I Think I was Raped, Now I'm Suicidal

[straightlines]

My memory of the event is foggy. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I think I was raped multiple times. I'm not even sure I remember who was there or where I was.

At night I wake up in a pool of sweat to me screaming from some nightmare where I was being attacked. I hate showering and seeing my body naked, so to avoid body odor I just wear perfume. I got rid of my shorts and t-shirts to avoid standing out. I wish I was invisible. My body disgusts me. Worst thing is that I feel as if I deserved it. No one has ever been interested in me, and maybe this is the only way someone will.

My parents haven't said anything, so they might not notice.

I can't keep living like this. I want to end my life. There is no one for me to talk to and I don't think anyone will listen to me.

[Sam W]

Hi Straightlines,

No matter what happened, the one thing I can say for certain is that you did not deserve it. Rape is caused by the people who choose to violate the boundaries of others, not by you, what you wear, or anything else like that. I'm so sorry you're in such a low place and feel so alone. We're here, and we're more than ready to listen to you and support you however we can.

Before I say anything else, if you're having thoughts of ending your life, then getting connected to a crisis resource is the best thing you can do to take care of yourself right now. This is one if you prefer texting: https://www.crisistextline.org/ and you can also call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) if you'd prefer to talk in-person. If you really feel that you might hurt yourself, then it'd be sound to ask someone you trust to help you get to an emergency room. Can you take a look at those resources, or at least add them to your phone so you have them as needed?

[straightlines]

I can try. I just don't want my parents to find out.

[Heather]

Your parents won't find out if you use those resources unless you tell them. Can you start with trying one of them? You can use that textline by texting CONNECT to 741741.

Unfortunately, as I've just told another user, we simply lack the resources to help users who are actively feeling suicidal. When I'm one of the only staff around that gets extra dicey because I am both a suicidal person myself (though not actively so for decades) and I have lost people I loved to suicide, so on top of us lacking the safety resources we need to help with that, it just cues too much trauma for me. Separate even from us not having all the things orgs/services work with this need to do so safely, I personally simply can't usually help with this well because it's much too close to home for me. <3

[Heather]

That all said, though, if you want to talk some about how to literally survive as an assault survivor, I can certainly do that, and while that's also personal for me, that's a way of talking about this I *can* do.

[straightlines]

I'm not sure what to do after I talk to someone. I'll still be alone with my suicidal thoughts.

If you can, I would like some advice on how to do that. Thank you.

[Heather]

That's something you can absolutely ask anyone at a hotline about, and they'll usually work to make a plan with you on that.

Per talking about survival, I'd generally start by asking if you're open to seeking out some kind of counselor, ideally someone who has experience/background in working with sexual abuse or assault survivors. Often, local rape crisis centers can offer that to survivors for free, so if you'd like help finding some local options, I'm glad to look into that for you. Speaking for myself, I know once I connected with a good counselor, it got a lot easier for me.

Another thing that I think was critical to my survival was connecting with other survivors and talking to them on the regular. Not so much about the details of our assaults (those we can remember anyway), but more about our feelings and our struggles: just getting connected so I didn't feel so alone. It's such an isolating experience, living after assault, and IMHO, that isolation is often the hardest part. Besides myself, there are a lot of other survivors here if just talking to others over time is a thing you're willing to try.

Journaling and other creative work -- outlets that let me release my feelings, even in all their scary ugliness -- also have always helped me out a lot.

One more thing that helped me the most, I think, is that I figured that if I let those who have done me harm and tired to take my power have it by not surviving, then they'd win -- then they would have, in fact, taken my power. Surviving has always been my biggest way of refusing to let those who harmed me actually disempower me in a long term way, if that makes sense?

We can keep talking, those are just some places I'd start.

[straightlines]

I talked to someone on the lifeline chat. They were able to help me deal with the suicidal thoughts. I think I may have to go to a hospital if things get worse. Thank you for your help.

I would like to talk about the crisis center if that's okay.

[Heather]

I'm so glad you did that. It's brave to ask for this kind of help. Good job, truly. If it helps, please know that if you need hospital care, it is totally okay to seek it out. (I've been there myself.)

And sure, per the crisis center. Do you mind giving me a zip code so we can help find you something nearby?

Just FYI, I do have to step out soon for the day -- I'm out of town right now doing some work at a college -- but I can for sure keep our conversation going a little tomorrow and/or afterwards as you'd like. Even if it just helps to figure you have one survivor you can stop in here and talk to when you need that connection, be that this week, next, next month or next year, know that's a thing I'm glad to do and be here for.

[straightlines]

My zip code is 32601

[straightlines]

I would like to continue our conversation tomorrow if I don't go to a hospital. Thank you

[Heather]

You got it. I’ll check in in the morning, and will do a search for local help for you then, too. Hang in there tonight.

[Gone.Sorry.]

straightlines, I just wanted to say thank you for speaking up and asking for help. You are so brave, and you've done such a big and wonderful thing by fighting for yourself. We are rooting for you.

[Heather]

Morning, straightlines. I hope this finds you doing as okay as you can be.

I found you a couple likely options. They're a little outside your area, but not by much, I don't think, and they also may be able to help you find something even closer to you if you need to.

Both of these look good to me, but the one that looks like it offers the most comprehensive services and approach is here: https://www.raperesponse.com/ It's crisis line numbers are: (770) 503-7273 or toll-free, (800) 721-1999.

The other is here: https://alachuacounty.us/Depts/CSS/Vict ... vices.aspx and its hotline numbers are: 352-264-6760 or, toll-free, 866-252-5439.

You can call either of both of those places and tell them what you've told us here, and ask about their counseling options. <3

[straightlines]

Thank you, horrible goose. And thank you, Heather, for all of the support and information.

I decided to admit myself into a hospital. After 2 nights the doctor evaluated me and decided that it was okay for me to return home. The staff was amazing and the other patients were all dealing with similar things. Finally, I was able to talk to someone and have them listen, even cry with me at times. It was nice to know that I'm not alone. It also made me realize how fortunate I am. I'll try to live each day with gratitude.

The doctor set me up with a few local centers for follow-ups. And I hope to get a little better each day.

Again, thank you so much!

[Siân]

Hi straightlines,

Well done for taking yourself to get care when you needed it. I'm so glad that the staff were able to support you and that you could connect with other people who understood what you're going through. I've been following this thread and know that things are really hard right now; it's wonderful to hear that you are moving in a positive direction.

How are you feeling about your follow-ups with the local centres?

It's great to hear that this space has been helpful for you. We're still here to offer support as you need it - is there anything we can do to help right now? That could be more information and answering questions, or it could be listening if you need to vent or process, or just being here if you need to talk in a week or a month or a year, whatever is helpful for you.

[straightlines]

The doctor scheduled me to see a few different specialists. One office actually specializes in sexual trauma. Also, Heather gave me a few resources that the hospital didn't have. With that I think I'll be able to receive the help I need.

I may need to ask a lot of questions over the next few weeks as I begin treatment. So I'll probably be creating posts in this forum and others.

Thank you for checking on me

[Siân]

That all sounds really positive, great to hear.

We'll be here if and when you come in again, and in the meantime I hope your treatment goes well.

You're welcome!

[Heather]

I'm so glad to see you were able to get the kind of care you needed and to feel so benefitted by it. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did, straightlines. You're my hero.

[straightlines]

Thank you Heather!