Female, 16, wants to masturbate constantly but barely any pleasure, no orgasm?

[RAYTRAC3R]

I've been masturbating ever since I started to have a noticable sex drive at around age 15. Before then, I had little to no interest in my body, other people's bodies, or even just simple nonsexual romance. Then when libido first kicked in, I would either masturbate or investigate my genitals constantly every time I was alone and unlikely to be walked in on. It calmed down after a month or two. After that I still did it very often, but not as much.

But I've never had an orgasm as far as I know. I get the urge to stimulate my genitals, then the urge to do sexual things gets stronger as I stimulate, but can never get any release, and I also don't really very many special things physically besides a very small feeling of arousal from time to time in my crotch. It's mainly just an urge that just gets worse the more I act on it. I have a few theories, but no idea which one is most likely.

• I have ADHD, anxiety and depression, so I take several meds. One of those meds is Sertraline, which I read can have effects on sexual health. However, when I brought it up to my mom, she said that usually only happens to boys, so IDK if medication actually has anything to do with it.

• Another reason could be that I tend to get either bored or physically tired of masturbating fairly fast. Many of my 'sessions' aren't really long enough to actually be considered sessions, they're more so me just attempting to stimulate myself for 30 seconds to a minute or two, then stopping. When I try stroking my clitoris, I get impatient and tend to give up and decide to try again later. When I try pillow humping, I start getting weary before I start to feel anything major. On the occasions where I do make an effort to do things for more than a little while, not much happens.

• Lastly, I've also done research, and a lot of sources online say that unless you're already watching something sexual while masturbating, like porn, it's important to come up with some sort of fantasy while doing it. I've always struggled with this ever since I first started having sexual thoughts for a specific reason. Long story short, I have a pretty odd kink. I don't feel 100% comfortable saying what my kink is, but it's somewhat bizarre and a bit more obscure than the classic BDSM kinks. Whenever I try to come up with a fantasy for myself while masturbating, it tends to end up involving my kink, which embarrasses me and snaps me out of the immersion. So I tend to either masturbate while avoiding forming a fantasy, or masturbate while embarrassed and self doubting due to feeling like a weird person.

So what's most likely? One of these things? A combination of these things? Something else entirely?

And Is there a term when you feel the urge to do sexual acts, but it feels kinda empty and unfulfilling when you do it, and the urge just gets worse as you try to satisfy it?

[Siân]

Hi RAYTRAC3R,

Any of the things you've highlighted could be limiting the pleasure you get from masturbation. Yes, some medications inhibit sexual response - in people of all genders. Plus, most people with a vulva take a lot more than a few minutes to really get aroused and even more to reach orgasm.

I think your last point bears some looking at though - a lot of sexual pleasure is about what's going on in our head at the time. This is why sexual media like porn, or sexual fantasy can add to many people's experience of masturbation; they assist in reaching that headspace where you feel aroused. Feeling guilty/embarrassed for the your fantasies, or actively trying to avoid them definitely don't help with that immersion!

So what can you do to reach that headspace (if masturbating is something you want to do)? Well, for one thing, you don't have to share whatever your kink is here for me to know that there is no shame in it. Plenty of people have really specific or niche fantasies and that's one of the things that makes sexuality so endlessly creative and fascinating! The fact that many of these fantasies can never be realised is also what has spawned such an array of diverse sexual media - and I'm sure that whatever it is, you're not alone.

If you don't want to fantasise about that particular thing when you're masturbating, taking the time to get yourself into a relaxed, curious state of mind and paying attention to your bodies sensations can make it more about the physical than the mental too. What do you think?

If you're experiencing constant urges, being left feeling worse and more empty AND this is getting in the way of your daily activities like work, socialising, school then you might be describing some kind of compulsive behaviour. From the rest of your description though, I think that it's more likely that you're just experiencing plain-old sexual feelings and not having much of an outlet for them. Is it that you WANT to masturbate but just haven't yet figured out how to make it work? Or something else?

[RAYTRAC3R]

It's not really getting in the way of my daily activities, and I might have exaggerated a bit when I said constantly. I have very little gauge of how much masturbation is considered "average", so I just assumed my habits were way above normal. I'd say I get thoughts of it about every day or every other day, I act on it 3 times a week, but I only have proper sessions that last more than 2 minutes about once every 2 weeks.

I think part of why I feel so weird about my fantasy is that around the time I became interested in sexuality, my friends were becoming more open about their own sexual thoughts. Every once in a while, if we were in a fairly private place and someone brought up something sexual, it'd start a conversation where everyone talked about their urges and fantasies. No one else really mentioned having the same trouble with pleasure, and even though several of them had similar fantasies to each other, no one else had the same fantasy as me! It made me feel like an abnormal person both in terms of sexual performance and sexual thoughts. I want to try to practice staying calm while fantasizing to see if that helps.

I'm sure I do want to masturbate and enjoy myself while doing it, but I feel like I have to have my first orgasm as soon as possible or else I'll be weird compared to other people. Very often when I want to do it, instead of trying to enjoy myself along the way, I just try to speed straight through to trying to get myself to orgasm. Now that I'm typing this out, it doesn't really sound that healthy for myself at all.

[Sam W]

Thanks for that clarification! From what you're describing, it sounds like the amount you masturbate is pretty within the standard bell curve. One of the downsides to the fact that many people don't get good information about masturbation is that they don't learn just how common it is, and that many people do it regularly. I can see how you'd end up thinking you were masturbating more than most people (and hey, even if you were, as long as it wasn't interfering with other parts of your life, it still wouldn't be an issue).

While I'm glad you have friends who you feel comfortable talking with about sexual topics, I can see why that conversation left you feeling weird. It may help to remember that even among friends, sometimes people don't feel comfortable mentioning aspects of their sexuality that they think are strange. So, it may be that some of your friends do have more "out there" fantasies but just didn't share them. And even if they don't, there's nothing weird or bad about having fantasies that other people don't, or not being into fantasies that seem really common. Sexual desire is varied and every persons sexual fantasies will be a little bit (or a lot) different, and that's okay.

I will say that, even if your friends didn't mention having trouble with orgasm, if you poke around the boards here you'll see you're far from the first person to struggle with this kind of situation. And, I think you've identified something really important! If you're usually racing to get to an orgasm, you're probably bypassing a lot of the things that would make the experience more pleasurable and possibly contribute to orgasm. And, putting pressure on yourself to orgasm often makes it harder to do so, because you're basically stressing out rather than focusing on enjoying yourself.

So, what if the next time you try masturbating, you make it your goal to focus on pleasure, rather than on orgasm?

[em]

I just turned 17 and I've had the exact same problem for years, since I was around 12 or 13. I started to think something was wrong with my body because I couldn't orgasm. Every time I masturbated I would become frustrated and scared that I never would and started putting a lot of pressure on myself to have an orgasm. I would keep thing "OMG, why can't I do it?" Naturally, I became very impatient, because I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel. I thought about all my friends and the other people in the world who could do it...what was wrong with me? I just wasn't experiencing very much pleasure.

So yeah, you aren't alone and I know exactly what you're talking about. I remember I even searched the internet, looking for an article or something that might give me answers, but there wasn't much I found at the time. I, too, noticed how my friends never seemed to have that issue, and it made me feel extra worried.

I also once took antidepressants that I found decreased my sex drive. Yes, they can make it more difficult to orgasm, but the fact you have a sex drive and think about it regularly is a good sign practice is gonna help you get there.

Basically, what I learned to do (I finally figured it out at like 16 in my sophomore year of high school) was to relax my body and mind. Constantly WORRYING about it is what will stop you from experiencing pleasure more than anything! Find some relaxing, sexy music to listen to and just chillll. I like to play some soft r&b in the background. There's nothing wrong with you! You're capable of pleasure just like anyone else, you just need to practice.

Knowing out what to do with my hands was kind of difficult for me. It isn't as straightforward as if we were guys. Try different techniques. Honestly I think over time it kind of becomes muscle memory, so practice is important. You've gotta teach both your mind and body to experience pleasure. TMI, but I've set aside a make up brush...I use the handle, lmaoo. Doing that helped me achieve my first orgasm. But it's different for everyone of course.

Set aside a time every day and just relax. Try your best to consistently find time. Get a good fantasy going or zone out and think about nothing, just focussing your energy entirely on your genitals. Sometimes I feel like doing that helps me achieve a better orgasm.

Patience, lots of patience, and practice are the most important things. There's nothing wrong with you! You got this.