Tinder Match part 2

[shysinger21]

So, I matched with this guy on Tinder on Wednesday, and he wanted to talk on whatsapp. This guy called be beautiful, and he told me twice how he wanted to date me. He also kept on saying how he wants to lick me, and he said he is a sexual person. So, yesterday he told me if we were to date I had to be sexual, but he didn't mean having sex. Then I accused him of wanted to have sex right away, which was not the case at all. So, after that I unmatched him, and blocked him.He also want to get to know me, and when we were talking he kept on saying some dirty things that was creepy because I was not expecting it. Now I am getting some crazy idea that I want to talk in person/be with him to clear things up, but I don't know if that is a good idea. I don't know what to do.

P.S-He also sent me an animation video of a man part if you know what I mean, after I accused him of wanting to have sex right away.

[Sam W]

Hi Shysinger,

Since it sounds like this guy was pushing things in a super-sexual direction before you were ready for it to go that way (and sending you an animation of a penis when you voiced that worry), unmatching and blocking seems like the sound call in terms of holding your own boundaries. I'd suggest sticking with that initial instinct and not reopening contact with him. Does that feel doable?

[Gone.Sorry.]

It's unclear what your own goals and interests are for being on Tinder (since you didn't say), but I think when you unmatch and block someone, that's your gut telling you that you feel somehow unsafe with this person, and you should trust that feeling.

Think about where this feeling of regret for blocking him and possible desire to be with him is coming from. Do you feel guilty for creating a boundary for yourself and upholding it? (Practice advocating for yourself more! Boundaries are good to have and uphold!) Are you afraid you might not match with anybody else and panicking over the thought? (Pshaw, says I. You'll have plenty more matches.) Are you thinking maybe you didn't give him enough benefit of the doubt? (This is someone who JUST started talking to over an app. This is not a long-term relationship that's been otherwise happy and stable that you're just 'tossing' aside. Besides, if you created a boundary where you didn't want to have sex right away, implying the conversation needed to stop and take a different turn, and his response was to send you a nsfw video... It doesn't seem like he's interested in talking or getting to know you or respecting your boundaries. In general, it doesn't seem like the two of you had clear communication, which is definitely something you want to be able to have with any partner.)

Remind yourself of what made you uncomfortable and why you decided to block him. Trust your gut. Wait for other matches. And in the meantime, perhaps decide on some boundaries you want to uphold while navigating Tinder so you can feel more confident in your interactions so you can say "[this] is what I'm looking for; if you're not willing to do this/want to jump straight into sex, then let's go ahead and unmatch because what we want just isn't aligned right now".

And if you're looking for a different form of connection than hooking up rather quickly, maybe explore some different apps? (Not saying people don't use other apps to instigate one night stands and such, but tinder has a bit of a reputation for being used for that express purpose, so people can tend to be rather forward and jump straight to it on Tinder.)