Talking to her

[kiiiimibela]

Is it okay to talk to my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend about how he was when they were together? My boyfriend and I have been fighting lately and his temper is making me scared at this point. I was thinking to maybe seek advice from her. I feel its quite ridiculous but some part of me feels like it'd be a bit helpful. My boyfriend wouldn’t realize his words are hurting me before its too late. He’d apologize when he does realize though. That one time he started to throw his phone and earphones too and raised his voice at me. He said he wouldn’t hit me no matter what and he hasn’t but how he’s been acting just scares me. I don’t know what to do anymore.

[Siân]

Hi kiiiimibela,

The things that you are describing your boyfriend doing - scaring you, losing his temper, saying hurtful things - are verbal and emotional abuse. Throwing things (even if he's not throwing them at you) also follows that pattern, and I am concerned that this will escalate into other forms of abuse over time.

I know that this is a difficult, scary place to be and I get that this can be a hard thing to hear. Right now though, I would suggest that your first priority is leaving this relationship and keeping yourself safe. Do you want to make a plan together for how to do that?

The way he is acting is not your fault - whether he was the same in his previous relationship or not - what are you hoping to get out of speaking to his ex?

[kiiiimibela]

I’ve thought about leaving him because of how he’s been acting. It’s just that I can’t get myself to. I really love him and whenever he realizes he’s wrong he always apologizes and he says he knows that his temper isn’t the best but he’s trying to change. I honestly feel dumb for not wanting to go even though I know I have to, but he’s a good person and I’m hoping to see the change he’s talking about one day. This is why I’m so confused on what to do.

I was gonna talk to her to see how she dealt with this if he’s been short-tempered before. I was thinking of getting some advice from her cause other than me, she knows him a lot as well.

[Heather]

I do just want to check in with you about what sounds like you using minimizing language top me.

A person can feel angry, but still choose to handle how they behave when it comes to that anger. Someone engaging in abuse of any kind isn't someone who is "short-tempered," but someone who is being abusive. Calling abuse things that sound nicer, or make it sound like someone doesn't have a choice about how they behave can enable abuse and also make it easier to get stuck in abusive relationships. Understand what I mean there?

You say he says he;'s trying to change: can you say how he's doing that? Is he in counseling or therapy, for instance? An anger management program? Is he taking space away from you while he learns how to better manage his anger? Or is he just *saying* he is trying to change?

Just FYI, do you think if you talk to his ex, she'll tell him about it? I ask that just to make sure it's actually safe for you to have this conversation with her. If you think she will share it with him and that he might be abusive in reaction, I'd suggest you don't talk with her. I'm honestly not sure what you're after in talking to her, period, but I'm not so concerned about it being useless: I'm concerned about it being safe for you.