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Whenever I attempt to masturbate (i tend to use a pillow) it always feels good at first but then it feels like...nothing. Like 20 seconds after. I only recently started so I’m not an expert at all. and I never climaxed. It’s also worth noting I’m on antidepressants (Paxil) and I am also asexual.

It may be due to the fact that I’m worried about getting my pillow dirty (I have OCD, and one of my obsessions is germs). I sometimes put a tissue in my pants but that always dulls the sensation. I’m worried I’ll get fluid on it or something

Welcome to Scarleteen!

Learning about what your body's sexual likes and dislikes is a process that takes time, just like it would with someone else! If you're just starting out, there's a fair amount of trial and error to figuring out what works best for you. You mentioned using a pillow most of the time - are there other methods that you've used that don't feel like they drop off at the 20-second mark? Or have you chosen the pillow method because it's what feels the most practical/pleasurable?
What you mentioned about worrying about the fluids/germs could definitely contribute to arousal/sexual feelings coming to an abrupt end. In our article With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body, we talk about how vital the brain and mental state are to arousal. Fear, anxiety, hunger, pain, sadness, and other distractions can definitely affect our ability to be present in our bodies and move through sexy feelings and pleasure.
In those situations, are you wearing pants and/or underwear? If so, the likelihood of sexual fluids soaking through and getting onto your pillow (or germs making their way from your pillow to your body) are pretty low. If it's more about how it feels rather than whether it's actually possible, what about putting something that you know is clean (like a clean T shirt, towel, or another pillowcase) between yourself and your pillow?
Just for fun, you might find Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation helpful as well!

al wrote:Welcome to Scarleteen!

Learning about what your body's sexual likes and dislikes is a process that takes time, just like it would with someone else! If you're just starting out, there's a fair amount of trial and error to figuring out what works best for you. You mentioned using a pillow most of the time - are there other methods that you've used that don't feel like they drop off at the 20-second mark? Or have you chosen the pillow method because it's what feels the most practical/pleasurable?
What you mentioned about worrying about the fluids/germs could definitely contribute to arousal/sexual feelings coming to an abrupt end. In our article With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body, we talk about how vital the brain and mental state are to arousal. Fear, anxiety, hunger, pain, sadness, and other distractions can definitely affect our ability to be present in our bodies and move through sexy feelings and pleasure.
In those situations, are you wearing pants and/or underwear? If so, the likelihood of sexual fluids soaking through and getting onto your pillow (or germs making their way from your pillow to your body) are pretty low. If it's more about how it feels rather than whether it's actually possible, what about putting something that you know is clean (like a clean T shirt, towel, or another pillowcase) between yourself and your pillow?
Just for fun, you might find Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation helpful as well!

I wear pants and underwear but sometimes it goes through my pants.

I wanna try using a towel but I don’t want my parents to get suspicious that I’m grabbing a towel for no reason (the closet we keep em in is kind of loud) or ask why I have them in the wash

Also I get super paranoid that I’m not covering it completely.

Are you currently getting any qualified help with your OCD? If so, have you been able to talk to your healthcare provider about dealing with it when it comes to your sexuality? It's very common for sexuality and OCD not to play nice like this, from concerns/triggers about germs or other phobias that can come into play, to shame that often is a part of people's feelings about sexuality, and a bunch of other things. Therapists who work with people with OCD can often help with this, and will usually be very familiar with sexual triggers.

I am. I haven’t had a session in a while but I’m planning to. But I don’t feel comfortable with bringing that stuff up especially when they’ve known me for years. I am planning to bring up I’m asexual but... yeah.

You're certainly not the first person to feel discomfort at the idea of bringing up sexual topics with a therapist, and it's totally understandable that if you already have worries related to a topic, you feel less willing to discuss it with someone. But, as Heather mentioned above, most therapists working around OCD know about the ways it interact with someone's sexuality, so they know how to navigate those conversations to make them as comfortable as possible. Too, we can also help you brainstorm ways to broach this topic that feel the least awkward to you. Is that something you'd like help with?

Talking with your therapist about your asexuality also sounds like an excellent first step, because it gives you a chance to see how discussing things related to your sexuality goes with them.

(oops, Sam and I wrote at the same time - but I think we have similar suggestions!)

Maybe bringing up your asexuality could be a good starting point, to open the door with your therapist to talking about sexuality in general. You could gauge how they respond to talking about sexuality (hopefully they are positive and open!) and decide later whether you feel comfortable bringing up masturbation.

I know masturbation can feel like a very private topic - after all, it's something just for you! But it might help to know that masturbation is extremely common, and a normal part of life for many, many people. Your therapist would not be surprised at all to hear that you were interested in trying to make masturbation a part of your life, and could then talk a bit more with you about how to do that in a way that isn't triggering your OCD so much. Like Heather said, therapists who work with people who have OCD are often experienced and understanding about how sexuality and OCD can interact.

And the fact that they've known you for years, although that might feel strange, can actually be really helpful - because they've been working with you for a while already, so it might be easy to come up with a solution together. Your sessions are also confidential, and they ARE there to help you with anything you need assistance with, so you can rest assured that this would stay private between the two of you.

One other potential solution is to put something disposable, like a paper towel, between you and the pillow. That way your parents wouldn't wonder where the towels were going. Is that something you might try? Also, did the "Solo Sex" article give you any ideas for other stuff you are interested in trying, to see if it could feel good past the first 20 seconds?

I wanna try touching myself but I’m a bit worried about the germs down there. Especially if someone interrupts me and I gotta act natural. My parents barge into my room a lot.

throwaway456 wrote:I wanna try touching myself but I’m a bit worried about the germs down there. Especially if someone interrupts me and I gotta act natural. My parents barge into my room a lot.

Do you think you could ask your parents to knock first? You don't have to say "because I wanna masturbate" but I think it's good for everyone to feel like they can ask that. It can be just as much about privacy and feeling calm in your space as anything else.

Also germs aren't really an issue! Our genitals, especially when there's lots of moisture around are a body part that looks after themselves... just how your mouth isn't dirty because saliva has anti-bacterial properties, the same can be true for our genitals! You probably touch things with more harmful bacteria every day... so really it's our hands that need washing and likely to spread germs, not the other way round.