My confusion about bj's

[Minnie&Me]

Hello Scarleteen
I have been giving my boyfriend bj's, something new for me. I have some questions about it and I did look for some answers on here but had no luck.
Does he know when he is going to cum? I have asked him not to cum in my mouth but sometimes it happens and he apologizes.
He has told me a few times that if he does it deeper down my throat that I will not taste it. True or not?
Did try a flavored condom but he doesn't like it. Does the sensation change that much?
Anything I can drink after I'm done that would get rid of that cum taste?

[Heather]

Hey there, Minnie.

So, I do first want to check with you to make sure you know that oral sex can transit sexually transmitted infections, and that risk is usually higher with people who say they don't like using condoms, because they then often will have had partners whop went along with that and didn't use them. Have you and your boyfriend recently been tested to be sure it's safe for you to have oral sex unprotected? If not, and you want some help finding out how to get that healthcare, let us know and we'll be glad to help with that.

Your boyfriend likely does know when he's going to ejaculate, even though sometimes he may only feel that happening right at the moment it is about to. So, if you have asked him not to do this but he is doing it anyway, I'd say it's time to have another talk about that and set a hard limit with him about it. Personally, since you have asked him not to, I don't understand why he is trying to talk you into doing it anyway, like by saying you won't taste it in your throat. How do you feel about him not respecting your boundary about not wanting him to ejaculate in your mouth in that way? (And no, the idea you won't taste it that way isn't sound.)

No, the sensation is not that different with a condom, which is why if and when they slide off sometimes, it's not unusual for the person wearing them not to notice at first. But even if it is, and you want or need to use a condom, you get to have that as a limit. What goes on in your sex life shouldn't just be about what your sexual partners want or prefer: there needs to be a balance, but everyone's health and safety also needs to come first.

[Minnie&Me]

I already knew all the answers I just wanted to know if I was right about what I knew. I thought that maybe I was wrong about a few things but from what you just told me I was right all along.
I have been with him for a few months and it's only been the last few weeks we started doing things together. He wants to have sex with me but I'm not willing to do that and he is okay with that. He wants to do some other things with me but I told him no and he is okay with that. For blowjobs i am doing that so that he can get something from me since I said no for everything else. I have three close girlfriends who do that already and they always look at me wondering why I wasn't doing it.
And he doesn't have any sexually transmitted infections neither do I. Plus I know the girl that he was with previously she is okay also.
FYI I know he is pressuring me for things I don't want to do but I'll just keep on saying no. What I'm doing already is enough.

[Heather]

If this person is pressuring you -- at all -- why stay with them? I can't speak for you, but for me, anyone who pressures me is immediately out: I don't keep seeing them, because that makes clear to me that they lack some of the most basic qualities someone needs to be a safe partner I can be in a healthy relationship and have healthy sexual interactions with.

I think the least we all deserve in a partner is someone who doesn't ever pressure us and accepts our limits and boundaries gladly. I think that's what you deserve, too. <3

[Gone.Sorry.]

I completely second everything Heather is saying.

As well, Minnie&Me, I want to add: you do not owe anyone sex or any sexual acts, no matter what that person would prefer or what your friends are doing. Your do not pay some sort of relationship rent by providing sexual intimacy. There are many forms of intimacy besides sexually based ones (I can go over some, if you'd be interested in hearing them), and there is so much more to most types of relationships beyond sex. What you could be getting from a dating partner: closeness, understanding, support, joy, happiness, sense of safety, comfort, adventure, fun, etc. You do not have to pay for these things in sex. You do not owe anyone any physical act just because you're dating them. It does not actually hurt people to not have sex or partake in sexual acts. If they really want an orgasm, they can masturbate.

Do you want to give your boyfriend blowjobs or do you feel obligated? He's pressured you into giving unsafe blowjobs; was there perhaps also pressure on his end for you to give some sort of "compromise" because you don't want to have sex? Do you feel your boyfriend respects you and recognizes your worth as a person? As a friend? As a partner?

You have an inherent worth simply because you are. You are here. You are you. You don't have to provide anything that you are not 100% enthusiastic about partaking in with your boyfriend.

I am so glad you feel able to say no, but it sounds really exhausting to have to tell your boyfriend no all the time on your already well established boundaries. I'm tired just thinking about it. What is it that keeps you trying at this relationship? I agree with Heather that you deserve someone you feel respected and safe and heard with, and I promise you, people like that do exist!

[Heather]

Thanks for those additions, horriblegoose! I somehow managed to completely miss the spot where you said you give this guy blowjobs because you don't want to have other kinds of sex with him, which makes it sound like you don't actually want to be doing this, either, you just feel like you have to. Yipes!

I agree with everything horriblegoose has said here. Sexual activities should really only be things we do with people when WE also want to do them, for OUR own enjoyment as well as theirs, not things we do just for that other person because that's what they want and like for themselves and we feel like we have to do something sexual because they want us to. If you don't also want to be having oral sex because YOU like it and YOU want to, for your own enjoyment, by all means, I'd stop doing that.

[Minnie&Me]

I read everything the both of you said.
Every boy I know pressures girls for something. I have been pressured from a few guys for something sexual, and I have some girlfriends who have gone thru the same thing. Like I said in another post I was fingered by a guy back when I was in jr high, I was making out with him and he fingered me. He never asked, but I let it happen. Every guy is part creep!
What my bf is doing is playful. I do like that he is not going beyond my limit, even if the bj's can sometimes go beyond it. And i'll talk with him about this, but Winter Vacation is starting and I don't want to have him run off when all of us have this time off.
Horriblegoose, yes I guess you can say that the bj's are a compromise. I was curious about doing it, I don't have a problem with it, but yea I guess it could be a compromise. But I am not going beyond what i'm doing, and he knows that.
I'm not sure what else I should say. But again I am sticking with my limit.

[Heather]

I'm really sorry to hear some of this. It sucks to feel like you have to be sexual with anyone, ever, in a way you don't really, really want to.

The thing is, though, it's just not true that every guy is like this or is "part creep." They're not. If every guy you know is, I can certainly understand you thinking that way -- and if all the guys in your circles are like this, that suggests a cultural problem where you live, and I'm sorry it's like that! But it isn't everywhere or always, and more to the point, even IF every man on earth were a creep who pressured women for sex, that still wouldn't mean they had to have any kind of sex with them.

I think I hear you saying you feel like to keep your boyfriend spending time with you, you think you have to do something sexual, and that if you don't, he will "run off." have you talked to him about that? How do you feel about that, about feeling like you have to do sexual things to get someone to spend time with you?

I also don't hear you saying you actually like being sexual in this way, and that concerns me. It really can mess us up long-term in a bunch of ways when we have sex we are not actually into, on top of the ways it can mess us up while it's happening.

Can you say a little more about why this feels worth it to you? What does your relationship with your boyfriend give you that you wouldn't have without it?