Any tips?

[sky]

Hi guys,

Me again sorry.

Awhile ago you said masturbation is normal and so I started doing it like a lot but I’m not comfortable with penetration because it hurts when I try and I’m also not comfortable with it for some reason. But my clit isn’t doing it for me anymore. I’ve tried like close to everything to stimulate it and it’s like nice but I’m not orgasming and I just end up getting mad because it’s not ending how I want it too.

I realize nothing will be like the first one but I’m so in love with that feeling I feel like maybe engaging in sex or like masturbation with a partner will be able to give me one since i don’t really know how to fantasize about stuff while I’m doing it.

[Heather]

Hey there! So, if you haven't read this yet, I'd highly suggest it: Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation.

It might also help to remember that how masturbation feels is just as much (and sometimes more!) about how we are feeling in our minds, including our emotions, and how we are feeling in terms of how turned on we are, as what parts we're touching on our bodies or how we're touching them.

You've been dealing with a lot of stress and hard feelings lately, for instance, including a lot of sexual shame. So, it'd hardly be surprising if masturbation or any other kind of sex wasn't feeling all that for you right now. Too, putting pressure on yourself to reach orgasm and a lot of focus on it -- in sexology, it's called "spectatoring" -- is one of the surest ways to NOT get there. Instead, just focusing on what feels good and on what you enjoy with or without orgasm is usually the way to go.

[Amanda F]

Hey sky,

This is a general note in response to all the questions you've been asking and things that you've been bringing up.

I hope it's okay that I say that I'm really proud of you for asking all these things, reflecting on yourself, how your experience with life and your sexuality has been, where you want it to go, confronting some negative feelings...All of that is really important, and often hard, work to do. I hope you are also feeling proud of yourself for doing this work! Figuring ourselves out does take time, and there often isn't a shortcut. But this IS how you get there, and you're doing it. So major props to you, and keep it up!

<3 Amanda

[sky]

Heather- half the time I’m not even turned on I just want to do it so I do it maybe that’s why as well. I hear you

Amanda- that is okay! Thank you!! I know I can’t say this here, sorry, but I’ve not been okay and tonight I was gonna try and attempt something because I’m just not proud of anything I am and I’m not doing enough so thank you very very much for making me smile and making me feel like I’m not a shit person <3

[Amanda F]

Hi sky,

Thank you for respecting our boundaries and limits. We always want to do our best, but as you know, we do have to draw the line at discussing suicide. However, I want to remind you that there ARE other resources that you can contact for help and support when it comes to causing self-harm. Please consider getting in touch with a volunteer through one of those organizations who can help you work through some of these feelings.

You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
You can visit: https://www.imalive.org/ to chat with someone online.
The Trevor Project also has phone, text, and chat resources specifically related to difficult feelings around your sexuality: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

You deserve to smile! You can always re-read any of our posts that we've written to you that bring you any good feelings.
Amanda

[sky]

Yeah I’ve been reaching out to people on those things, thank you.

You just made me feel like I can hold on for longer so thank you again. You really did save me.

[sky]

I didn’t mean to like break any rules or trigger anything or anyone I just wanted to let you know that your words, all of you guys’ words mean a lot to me and possibly others.

[Heather]

It's okay, Sky.

[sky]

How do you guys know your pronouns and sexuality?

[al]

Hi sky!

Just wanted to add in that I'm glad that you're still here. We're always around to talk about good things that make life worth living, big and small. <3

As for the pronoun/sexuality thing, I can only speak to my own experience:
I didn't really settle on my current definition of my sexuality (queer) until I had been dating women for a few years, and using it more and more openly around other people. To me, queerness feels like not just not being straight, but being someone that defies society's expectations in many ways.

As for pronouns, that's something that's a much more recent development for me, and the only way that I found out that I liked it was by trying it out! At first I was only using she/her, then I tried out using either she or they, and it felt okay, and then I shared with certain trusted people that I like they/them the best, and now I'm using they/them pretty much all the time! So I think just like any other aspect of your presentation/expression to the world, people try it out in safe spaces (or even in their minds) and see how it makes them feel.

[sky]

This might be stupid (I don’t mean to be rude if it comes across that way) but does using they/them mean you don’t assign with a gender? Does that make sense what I’m trying to ask?

I always say I’m queer and when I people say “what the fuck is queer” and then I explain kinda and they said “so you’re bi?” And I just say yes because I don’t know how to say how I feel. But I mean I also just tell people I’m straight because it’s easier and then I’ll talk about girls and then they get confused so then I’m like yeah I’m lesbian but then sometimes I talk about boys and then they are confused too I’m like listen it’s my life.

I’ve read articles about all this but actually talking to people makes me understand more and I don’t want to talk to people in my real life about it because it’s hard and I don’t want to be judged

[sky]

I’m sorry I ask and talk a lot

[Sam W]

Hi sky,

Those are both totally valid questions! I'm going to set aside the they/them one for someone who uses them, since I think it might make more sense to hear it from someone who went through the process of "ah, okay, these pronouns feel right" (with the big caveat that everyone's reasons for using they/them are a little different).

I've had that exact same experience when I tell people I'm queer, although people in my life are usually chill enough that I can explain it and they'll actually listen. I say that it means I'm attracted to people of all genders, and that's good enough for some people. For others, I have to dig into why I user that term instead of bisexual or pansexual. My personal reasons for that are that I want to link myself to the history of the movement ("queer" was a term used by many early activists), that I like how broad the term is, and that I like the way that queerness seems to tie to weirdness or non-conformity. Your reasons for liking the term may be totally different, but part of the beauty of queer as a label is that it has a ton of room for those different reasons. Does that make sense?

[Heather]

No need to be!

Just like there are a lot of ways to use he/she pronouns, and people identities vary a lot with those, the same is true about they pronouns.

By all means, some people who are/identify as things like neutrois or agender, where either no gender they know of feels like a thing for them, or gender, period, doesn't feel like a thing, use they/them to express that. Others use them for other reasons or from a different place of gender identity or expression.

I've mentioned this before, but I think it might be worth talking about how to decide who to talk to. To be frank, if when I told someone I was queer they responded with "What the fuck is queer?" I would probably respond with, "We can talk about that after we talk about what the fuck your problem is that has you responding like such a jerk," or some such. Point is, I'd probably elect not to engage with that person about something so personal and loaded because a response like that seems to me to be demonstrating they're probably not someone safe for me to talk with about things like this.

It's not something wrong with YOU that people are assholes. It's right not to feel safe with people who are showing us they are not, right not to want to talk about sensitive things with people showing us they lack sensitivity.

[sky]

Sam, that makes total sense. Although I don’t really have a way to explain it. I do like both but at the end of the day, I see myself being with a woman. And Heather once said that a lesbian sleeping with a man doesn’t make her less of a lesbian.

I think I’m a lesbian but I think I’m a genderfluid woman? But would I even say I’m a woman or would I just say I’m genderfluid?

In all honesty, I’m bipolar and not medicated currently for a few reasons BUT I have noticed the gender thing comes when I’m manic or depressed and it switches as my moods switch.

Which I feel doesn’t make me valid in the sense of being genderfluid.

I hope I make some sense to you all. Also, I don’t mean to offend if I ever do, it’s not my intention

[Heather]

So, when people say genderfluid, what they most often mean is that their sense of gender isn't static, but changes. That's it: there's not any one "why" of that attached, and it isn't the first time I have heard someone say that their sense of gender changes when their mental health or mood changes, so it's not a big shocker to me that you find yours changes with manic or depressive phases. And it certainly doesn't somehow disqualify you from being or identifying as genderfluid.

(I don't think anyone has been offended by you, but I also think that your intentions have been pretty clear here. )

[sky]

That makes me happy that others have said that. Because I feel like it’s not a real thing for me and it’s all in my head and sometimes I don’t know what to believe but I know what I know. You know?

[Heather]

Our heads (our brains) and our neurochemicals -- which also have quite a lot to do with our brains -- are what create our emotional feelings and have a great deal to do with our sexualities. People think of sexuality as genital, but it really isn't: we experience it in our whole bodies, but like everything else that's to do with our feelings and sensory experiences and the line, it's really mostly about our brains. So, in a very real way, for all of us our identities are primarily "in our heads," not just you, I promise!

[sky]

Yes!!!!! Sexuality is so deep!! I ask my straight friends “not in a sexual way, but have you ever seen a couple and you’re jealous of him that he gets to wake up next to her everyday and know so much about her inside and out and her to just love her” and they are always like “uhhhh no” I’m like fuck I am gay.

Also, regarding the queer comment thing earlier. There’s been a lot of people who don’t understand or care or are rude about my sexuality but if I had to cut them out then I wouldn’t have like any friends and I want to have friends it’s ok if they aren’t supportive about it, I just need people on my side.

[Heather]

I'm heading out for a bit, but have you ever told any of them that you need them to be more supportive and less...well, whatever the nice word you can come up with for "acting like ignorant assholes" is? People don't have to understand someone's stuff to be supportive and not rude about it, and people who are actually our friends will usually make real effort to be more accepting and supportive when we tell them how they are behaving is hurtful and othering.

[sky]

Thank you for your help

Also, no I haven’t because I don’t want to lose anymore people in my life from my stupid self. I just need to not be open about it and do everything on my own and be silent with my decisions and choices

[Sam W]

I'd argue that if you lost them, that would have zero to do with who you are or there being anything wrong with you. Instead, it would have a lot to with, as Heather put it, them being ignorant assholes. That being said, I completely get the instinct to want to hold on to any relationships you have, if they've felt so tenuous in the past. Even if we know intellectually that having no relationship is better than being stuck in a toxic one, it can be hard to really believe it.

Do your friends or other people you try to talk to in your life react badly whenever you try to set a boundary or assert yourself? Or is it only when it comes to issues of gender or sexual orientation that they turn into jerks?

We may have touched on this before, but can you remind me if you have ways of meeting new friends who may be more supportive?

[sky]

They get mad at me when I set a boundary or talk about my sexuality.

Example: I told my best friend like a month ago that I was tired of pretending to like guys and it’s so hard for me to do it and she said in reply “so tony and Tyler was a lie? You still like guys even if it’s just a little bit” and I just said ok. Honestly it sent me into a spiral and I cried. BUT I did tell her I thought i was in love with tony because him and I were super close at one point like it was almost every night we would hang out together and it was nothing romantic it was just a best friend thing and I didn’t know how to like figure out how I felt about a boy so I thought I was in love with him.

I wasn’t. I loved him, like I love all my friends. I just got confused. And I talked a lot about sleeping with men because sex is highly talked about and I was horny but now I don’t even care about them in that form, I have myself and even if I don’t get off I still have a decent time with myself

[Heather]

I'm really sorry to hear this.

It sounds to me like your friends don't know how to be friends. In other words, I get that you have relationships with them, and I get that you want to hang out with them, but I'm not hearing what sounds like friendship. To me, if someone is my friend, they treat me with care, respect and kindness, they are thoughtful and sensitive, they support and accept me, and they put in effort to try and sympathize or empathize with me and to know and understand me as a person. And vice-versa, hopefully obviously.

It also sounds like your friends just.....well, aren't great friends for a queer person to have. Your friend in this exchange isn't even asking you questions to try and find out how you feel, she's accusing you of things and telling you how you feel. That's not how we support a friend.

Like Sam, I understand not wanting to lose people, so how about we talk some more about how to ADD people to your life who DO actually act like friends, and who also can actually be supportive of you as a queer person, whether or not they themselves are queer, too?

[sky]

Yes I will work on that.

Oh God. I need advice again with something else if it’s okay. I’m just gonna say it and no one has to reply I’m annoying I know.

I’ve liked this girl for like 6 months. We met on a dating site we both were labeled as bisexual and I felt feelings I’ve never really felt before and she liked me too, so we decided to meet but then I told her no because I shouldn’t like girls. And then we would fight, a lot, it ended up me blocking her on Instagram and being really hurt for like no reason???

Anyways, today after awhile she text me. I text her a couple weeks ago just saying I missed her and sorry. And she said it was okay. Today I told her that I will wait for her to heal from her last relationship because I really like her and I told her I’ve worked on myself a lot and that I won’t fuck it up this time.

She told me that right now she can only be friends. I asked if she’s not attracted to me anymore and she said that she’s not attracted to girls right now and that she can only check out guys right now, and now she’s begging me to not be mad at her. I’m not mad I’m just so confused???? I told her I’m okay with the friends thing it’s just going to be hard trying to lose feelings for her