Abortion appointment on Saturday

[Justyne]

19 years old, and on Saturday i'll be 9 weeks 2 days pregnant. Had an appointment on 12/1 but did not go, my new appointment is this Saturday but I am again having tons of second thoughts! Have not told anybody about this. The guy I was with is just a good friend, have not told him either and don't plan on telling him. He would no doubt agree with me on doing this but I don't want to tell him anyway.
I am catholic and my family is catholic. Need I say more?

I just need some support on my decision. I am doing a surgical and I will be awake and I want to be awake. I am looking for info on hat to expect but I am not having much luck as everything on the web is either ugly s*** or after abortion care.

And why do they not go with conceive date? Why last period date? I should be 7 weeks not 9 weeks. I know I did not have sex 9 weeks ago.

[al]

Hi Justyne,

I'm not sure why they told you a different number of weeks - it's possible that they misunderstood the timing if you had shared when you were sexually active, or they could have misinterpreted an ultrasound/blood test. Did you ask them about the discrepancy? That's definitely the type of thing that your doctor/abortion provider should have the right info about.

As for your decision - I want you to know that there's nothing wrong with the choice that you're making. I know that strict religious values/upbringing can make it feel like there's a whole lot of judgement weighing down on you. Has it been helpful to think at all about your relationship to catholicism/spirituality, or is it mostly upsetting/confusing?

In general, I just wanted to say that you absolutely have the right to make this decision for yourself. You're the one who owns and operates your body, and so you get to decide what happens to it. Also, having a kid is a really big deal, and if someone chooses to do that, we want to make sure that they have as many resources as possible and make that choice in a way that is the most intentional and prepared. It seem like you don't think that's where you're at right now, and so you're making a really responsible choice by recognizing that. <3

How can we support you in this choice?

[Heather]

Hey there, Justyne. Just popping in to let you know I'm here for the day like I said I'd be in text last night, if you want to talk more.

I also just wanted to answer your dangling question up there first: LMP (last menstrual period) to determine gestational date is the convention across both abortion and pre-natal care for determining gestational date, that's why the clinic did that, because it's what everyone does. So, if and when someone is going from provider to provider in care, as pregnant people often are, especially if and when they don't choose abortion, that convention assures everyone will be working off the same information and you don't have to keep having unnecessary testing done (like ultrasounds or blood work) from provider to provider just to determine this.

There are a bunch of reasons for that convention, including that it's one date and tangible things everyone can know and verify, whereas, for instance, no one could actually ever say clearly when the date of conception was because it doesn't happen in the same timeframe every time, and you can't figure that out by the size of a fetus, either, because that also varies. In other words, two people could have intercourse on the same date but conceive on different days because that timeline can vary by as much as a week or so. Know that this convention by no means will interfere with you getting the right care at the right time: quite the opposite.

When you do come in, since it sounds like you're having some conflicted feelings, how about you fill me in on what those look like for you? What has you feeling like this is a good choice for you, and what -- if anything -- are you feeling that stands in contrast to that?

I do want to add that the history of Catholic belief on this hasn't always been like it is now. It'd be a stretch to say Catholicism has ever been pro-abortion exactly, but there have certainly been times -- as recently as around 100 years ago -- where some Catholic thinkers recognized that NOT choosing abortion meant things like children being unable to be fed or have shelter, and that that was not in their best interest, and abortion could prevent children suffering. Obviously that kind of thinking doesn't cover all the reasons any of us might choose to terminate a pregnancy, but it is to say that the strong anti- bent in all this that a lot of people state like it's always been that way very much has not been.

[Justyne]

Thanks to the both of you for such fast replies.

I know I am not ready to be a mother. I'm still in college, I don't even have a boyfriend, and I'm just not ready. My ultimate biggest worry is what I will think when I get the procedure done and what I will think after the procedure is done. I have all of these crazy thoughts in my head on what it's going to be like and what it's going to feel like and what it's going to look like. I know I have the option of being asleep during the procedure but that scares me even more. It doesn't help that I haven't told anybody about this, I want to keep it to myself, I don't want anybody to try to manipulate me and changing my mind.
But yes I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago. And I waited a week to think about it and then I made an appointment and then I did not show up and then I made another appointment that will be coming up and three more days. I already met the doctor, she seems really nice yeah and somewhat cheerful but very calm and relaxed at the same time.
But at 9 weeks I just have second thoughts because I am at LMP 9 weeks pregnant. On the edge of 10 weeks and I am personally making 10 weeks my cut off time meaning I'm either going to get it done or I'm not.
What I want to know, and what I sort of understand but really do not know, is what is this going to be like? I have already read two horror stories online and I would like to hear some stories on how everything will be okay.
My other question because I cannot find an answer is how much stretching of the cervix do they have to do for a 9 week pregnancy?

[Heather]

I'm sorry that you've found horror stories online. I can't speak to the validity of them, but I can say that a) there is a lot of fiction about abortion online, and b) with abortion, just like with some many things, there are often more "bad reviews" than good, because when people feel good or neutral about things, they're less likely to say something about it publicly.

I'm sorry you haven't felt able to tell or talk to anyone else about this yet. I'm glad you feel able to talk to us. Abortion doesn't have to be a big deal -- sometimes it is for people, other times it isn't -- so it isn't always something people feel they need support for, but going without it or having to keep it all a secret usually makes it harder to go through. Know that if and when you go to your next appointment, you also should be given more people to talk to if you want them. Most clinics also offer options counseling on site, so if you go this time and still feel conflicted, you can ask to talk to someone there who will be supportive of all your choices, but can help you figure out what's best for you if you want that help.

In terms of what actually happens and what it might be like, have you been able to read this yet: All About Abortion? I wrote this so people could have those basics. I'm happy to talk more with you about it, or in more detail if you want, but since you are talking tome right now and that is me giving all of that info, I figured it was probably a good place to start.

Per the cervix, it doesn't need to be dilated much because the contents of the uterus at this point are so minimal: it's mostly just about being able to get the (very slim) tube for the aspirator into the opening. It also isn't something you really feel in any specific way: the local anesthetic used makes it all just feel like kind of a vague, general pressure for most folks.

It's really impossible to say how you might feel afterwards emotionally, but something we know from studies, and from working in the field is that people who come to any reproductive choice -- very much including abortion -- and feel that a given choice is the best choice for them, even in situations where none of the choices feel great or ideal, tend to feel good about those choices afterwards and as time goes on. It's when people feel like they don't really have a choice, are forced or coerced into a given choice, or aren't able to choose what they'd really rather than rough feelings tend to show up and stick around.

But too, in the event you make a choice with this you don't feel good about later -- whatever the choice -- that also doesn't mean you have to feel bad your whole life. We can get good help working through and letting go of feelings that are painful for us, we don't have to be stuck with them forever.

I hear you saying that you do not want to be a parent and that you do not feel able and ready to be a parent right now. I hear you expressing that you don't have any real help or support in any of this right now, and would not if you remained pregnant and became a parent. I hear you saying you don't want to involve the guy that is how you became pregnant. I hear you saying that you have decided on abortion and just need some support with it from someone. By all means, you have that support from me, as best as I can give it in this way. I certainly think that all of your feelings and wants with this are valid.

Can I ask you what you feel like you need in order to feel more confident about your choices with this?

[Heather]

Just in case it's easier for you to see it in one place, here's the info on how to procedure goes from that link I gave you:

Surgical abortions -- which are nearly always 100% effective -- can be performed from the time a pregnancy is confirmed until around the end of the second trimester, but second trimester abortions only account for less than around 10% of all abortions, and it is obviously ideal, for someone who wants to terminate, to do so earlier rather than later, physically and emotionally. What type of surgical abortion -- manual vacuum aspiration (MVA), dilation and curettage (D&C) or, more commonly now, dilation and evacuation (D&E) -- depends on the length of the pregnancy and the specific situation. All are currently legal in the U.S. and Canada.

• Manual and/or vacuum aspiration (MVA) or electric vacuum aspiration (EVA) can be done within the first trimester, up to about 13 weeks of pregnancy. It is what is most often used for abortions now, and manual aspiration can be used as soon as four weeks from the last menstrual period. During an aspiration, an injection first numbs the cervix with a local anesthetic.

With some abortion providers, a person can elect to have conscious IV sedation -- to be awake, but very relaxed or groggy, and some IV sedatives also help reduce pain -- or a general anesthetic -- which will put them to sleep before and during the procedure -- if they like. Clinics will provide an oral analgesic and often a mild oral sedative in advance of the procedure for those who do not want conscious sedation or a general anesthetic.

Whether or not you want to be asleep, sedated or alert is usually a matter of availability and personal preference, based on what you want intellectually or emotionally (some people want to be fully present, others want the opposite), what type of procedure you're having, and/or if a doctor determines one or the other will be safer for you. For instance, people who feel very nervous or upset in medical or gynecological situations, or who are already dealing with more than one crisis (such as a rape, domestic violence or having to terminate a wanted pregnancy due to a maternal or fetal health problem) may feel and do best with conscious sedation or GA. People who feel like sedation doesn't allow them a wanted awareness or level of control, who want to be very alert soon after a procedure or who prefer to manage their pain or anxiety in alternative ways may prefer to go without. Some people may recover or feel back to normal more quickly without sedation and/or general anesthesia (while for others it makes no difference), just because those have their own set of side effects (including nausea, sore throat, vomiting or insomnia) and it can take some people longer than others to clear sedation medications from their bodies.

The cervix is dilated -- with slim rods designed to gradually widen the cervical opening -- and then a flexible tube is inserted through the cervix. That tube is either attached to an aspirating machine with a gentle vacuum, or, for very early abortions, a hand-held syringe may be used. The contents of the uterus are removed through the tube with gentle suction. The entire procedure takes around five minutes.

[Justyne]

48 more hours. Not getting any sleep at all but under the circumstances I think I am doing okay.
I am 9 weeks pregnant today. Yay me.
I think my biggest problem is that I'm going to college to become an elementary school teacher. I love kids! I volunteer at the library 3 days a week helping out children with reading and writing. I think my worry is that I will look at children in a difference way, at least for a while. I might even just stay away from volunteering for a few weeks and let my mind somehow get back to some kind of normalcy.
Saturday is a big day. My stupidity caused all of this it's only me that I can blame. Nobody knows that I'm even pregnant, and I plan on keeping it that way, but it's really strange walking through a Best Buy and wondering how many other women around me had an abortion.

[Heather]

Good to see you today, Justyne.

I love kids and other young people, too! This is now my 30th year teaching. I can't speak for how it will be for you, but when I've terminated (or had a miscarriage for that matter), it didn't change how I looked at or felt around other kids, be it at work or with kids in my life through friends. If anything, honestly, for me, it only made me feel more strongly about my choice to have an abortion, because I was reminded that I don't want to do anything that causes children to suffer. My choice, a lot like yours (including from what I gleaned in our text chat last night with Alice), was largely about what I could and couldn't do, and I knew I didn't have the means or the desire to parent at the time. So, making a choice that spared any kid suffering because of that made me feel good.

I want to make sure that you know that NO method of contraception is 100% effective, so even if you were using an effective method, this still could have happened. Biology is how you got pregnant, not stupidity. I'd suggest you try and focus on what you can do to take good care of yourself and hold yourself up rather than playing scripts that tear you down. This is a time to take extra good care of yourself, not to treat yourself poorly. If you know things now that will help you make choices so you can better avoid outcomes you don't want in the future, that's great. But maybe look at it -- and your commitment to make any changes you can in the interest of those different choices -- in that light, not a negative one, you know?

Per those numbers at the Best Buy and everywhere else? About one in every four people with a uterus have had or will have an abortion in their lifetime. And when you're looking around asking that, be sure to look at people in the store with their kids, too: about half of the people who have abortions also have children already. <3

[Justyne]

I was on birth control, in fact I was on Nuvaring since August as I wanted a second form of birth control. This was only the second time I had unprotected sex but I felt safe about it as the guy I was with was a good friend. t was when I had to take the NuvaRing out for my next period when I realized that it was no longer in me. I do not have any idea when it came out. It was an accident on what happened, but it still doesn't make it an easy decision.

I did read about the one in four women and I did read about half of all mothers. I am surprised it is that many. Hopefully Saturday will just be a normal day for me now that I know numbers.

[Heather]

Sure doesn't sound stupid to me. Just sounds like how things happen sometimes when it comes to birth control. I really hope that in time you can recognize that while you might want to manage things differently moving forward, like by backing up with a second method, that still doesn't mean you did anything wrong this time. I hope that you can, in time, let go of any hard feelings you have towards yourself around this.

I actually suspect those statistics are on the low side, honestly, especially now that medical abortion is available, and people are accessing that in ways that aren't so easy to track. I'm not surprised by those numbers myself: it's really hard to raise a family, and it's pretty easy for a lot of people to get pregnant. If everyone all had kids every time they became pregnant there would be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more people in the world than there are.

It might help to also remember that anti-choicers are VERY loud and very intimidating, so that is part of why people who do choose and have chosen abortion are often not as visible as we all could be. But their noise is not in alignment with everyone's reality -- not even their own. As anyone who has worked in abortion clinics can tell you, even people who have literally stood outside clinics harassing those going in have sometimes come in for abortions themselves. Abortion is both normal and common.

[Alice M]

Hi Justyne, it's nice to see you again.

I wanted to chime in and add that I also work with children as my primary job. I also have children at home, so my life sort of revolves around kiddos. Like Heather said, while we cannot know for sure how you will feel or react -- I'm one person who had an abortion and went home to parent, later added a child to my family and went on to receive education in ECE and currently work with toddlers and have plans for more education in this field.

I personally feel like I was able to choose:
- prioritize the child I already had (who is 13 years old now!)
- the education and career that I wanted, which impacts children and families
- ME, I got to choose me, I didn't want to be pregnant at the time

No one is infallible and these things happens. I have been able to avoid pregnancy ever since my abortion, and it's been about 12 years. I'm aware that birth control can fail, so I stay on top of that and stay aware of my risks. I would be unhappy to become pregnant again, and also, after having one biological child, one non-biological and one abortion -- I feel confident that I would choose abortion again.

Working with children, while rewarding, fun and impactful, can sometimes wear you down. It sounds like you can take a break for a bit after this procedure and focus on you? Which is helpful. Additionally, sometimes people just start to burn out a bit. As an example, I got physically injured at work once. It wasn't anybody's fault, but I felt like I didn't want to be around kids for awhile, and I considered changing my career. I was worn out and in pain from my injury. This can be common for people who work with children and other high-needs populations, which is why learning to put yourself first and practice solid self-care is crucial.

Anyway, I wanted to add my voice here as someone who loves kids, has them, works with them and still feels good about my abortion.

[Justyne]

Thank you Heather and thank you Alice. I greatly appreciate the support and the open talks we have had. My jitters have gone down immensely compared to what they were 24 hours ago. I will not be canceling my appointment this time. 9 weeks is enough!
I do have one question that's on my mind, I am sure one of you can answer this. I have had some breast tenderness over the last week or so and I am wondering if I might produce breast milk after the abortion because of it? I read somewhere that this could happen and that it is normal. Will my breasts enlarge a little bit for a couple days because of it? I am already at 34c, I really do not want a D.
43 more hours. Yes, I am counting it down

[Siân]

I'm so glad that talking to us has helped to reduce your jitters!

Breast tenderness can take a week or two to go away after an abortion, so if they are slightly larger than usual right now it may be a short while before they return to normal, but you're unlikely to experience a permanent change. Also, this early in a pregnancy you would not be expected to produce any milk, no.

How are you feeling?

[Justyne]

How am I feeling? Well, I'm having second thoughts feelings right now. I'm sure it's very normal. Just a tad more than 27 more hours before I head on over.
And right now I just wish that it wasn't so close to Christmas. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel after all of this but hopefully Christmas and being around family and being around my nieces and nephews and cousins won't be such a big deal for me.

[Sam W]

Hi Justyne,

Would it be helpful to you at all to talk about those second thoughts here? It sounds like, from the conversation here, you're making the choice that fits with where you are in your life right now. But even if you know deep down this is the best call to make for yourself, your brain may still generate reasons to be worried or second guess yourself. Giving you space to talk about them an offering support where we can is something we can gladly do.

Can you give me a sense of what reactions you're worried you might have when seeing your younger family members? Planning how to care for yourself after an abortion is a really helpful step, and it may be that there are some ways you can prepare to navigate whatever feelings pop up during family gatherings.

[Justyne]

It is the right choice for me but at the same time I am very conflicted on the choice that I am making. I am going to Planned Parenthood tomorrow for an abortion, something that I have never done before and something that I thought I'd never have to do. I will be walking through those doors pregnant and I will be walking out of those doors no longer pregnant. I know I will be grateful but I know I will be sad and confused just as much.
And call me dumb or brilliant on this idea but I just now booked a brazilian waxing, something that I have never done before. I am thinking that doing something new and something a little bit challenging and something very personal will mentally help me out with what I have coming up tomorrow. I also think that the brazilian waxing will be more painful than the abortion itself and maybe I can in some way calm down and relax because of it. Am I crazy or brilliant? Lol! I guess I'll know soon enough.
Christmas is always a special time and I just don't want tomorrow to somehow ruin it for me. I want to be happy and cheerful, I don't want to be grumpy and miserable. I have no idea what I will feel. Maybe both?
Thankfully I have no college for the next few weeks, other than some heavy studying for the next quarter.
The last few weeks have been really challenging. I have been doing a really good job at putting on an act on making everybody think that I am doing okay, friends and family alike. The guy who got me pregnant doesn't have any idea about this either, and part of me wants to tell him and part of me does not. Maybe I will tell him afterwards? Maybe I shouldn't? Maybe he should be paying 50% of the amount that I owe to Planned Parenthood?
Tomorrow is a big day for me. My hope is that I come out stronger for making the right decision.
My first brazilian waxing is in 1 hour. Right now it's nice to least be thinking about something else.

[Sam W]

Hey, if getting a wax feels a little bit like a practice run (it's new, a bit challenging, and might sting a bit), or just something that might help you focus on something else for awhile, then it sounds like a helpful idea!

It sounds like a big source of worry or second guessing for you is not being able to predict how you'll feel after the abortion. That's totally understandable, especially if you ran into horror stories in earlier searches for information about what to expect. I wonder, would it be helpful to maybe come up with some plans ahead of time for the more likely outcomes? For instance, you could plan out how you'll get support, and how you'll be kind and gentle with yourself, if you end up feeling depressed or sad after the appointment. And you could plan ways to care for yourself or move through your day if you end up feeling relieved or otherwise positive afterwards. That doesn't mean there won't be unexpected feelings or thoughts, but sometimes just having a plan in place can make you feel a bit more at ease with an unknown situation.

It's completely up to you if or how you share the fact you got an abortion with anyone. With your friend, it could help to think about what you'd hope to accomplish by telling him. That way, you can kind of weigh what you hope will happen with what you think is likely to happen, and make a choice based on what situation(s) you feel prepared to deal with. Does that make sense?

[Alice M]

Hi there. I want to add that I'm glad you found something to do to take your mind off of this impending appointment, and it sounds like getting waxed is a way that you're taking care of you, which is great. It's also another choice that you're able to make for your own body, which is empowering and valuable. Body autonomy is a powerful thing, which includes choosing to remove hair or to not remove hair (and all of the options in between).

important edit: Heather pointed out to us that waxing this close to your appointment time could result in the provider delaying your termination, due to concern about higher risk of infection with possible abrasions, swelling and such. While we'd advise no sooner than 72 hours pre-procedure for this, it also is a good idea to call the clinic beforehand if you're considering anything like this, and find out what they recommend and the risks, especially since the cost goes up with the weeks *and* you have a certain legal window.

I'm so sorry that we missed this initially, Justyne, and I hope you're able to find more things to get you through this period of anticipation today. I'll be around throughout the day and am happy to brainstorm more ideas.

You also get to decide if you're comfortable telling the guy about what's happening with you. I do want to caution you, though, that he may have initial super-big-feelings that may be unsettling for you to process as you approach your appointment with less than 24 hours to go. In the end, you are the one who gets to decide to terminate or not, and it sounds like you haven't used him as a resource or support up to this point. Again, it's entirely up to you -- there is no right or wrong answer here. As you've expressed feeling like you're later than you'd like to be for the termination, I'm concerned that delaying it more would feel detrimental for you (just dragging this out longer, if you need time and space to process his reaction first). Additionally, it would be entirely reasonable to ask him to help you with the cost (whether you ask now or after the fact).

Keeping hanging in there, you got this.

[Justyne]

the abortion wasn't all that bad. Good doctor, good nurse, comfortable exam table and some comfortable stirrups as well!
For the procedure I did feel some sharp pain at first, some pressure after that, and some cramping after that but nothing to complain about. I did hear some suction sounds, something that bothered me, but the nurse kept me calm and I did keep my composure. I never did see the instruments and I never did see any of the pregnancy tissue. Part of me wanted to ask the doctor if I could look at the tissue but I never did ask.
It has been about 9 hours now since I had the procedure done. I am a little emotional but I am happy that I did it. It really wasn't an easy decision even though I knew it was the right decision. I would have been a mother if I didn't do this, and I would have had a baby just a few weeks after I turned 20!
I still wish I wasn't 9 weeks pregnant when I did this! I still wish I didn't look online and find out what a 9 week fetus looks like! Right now I am just doing my best on making myself think that it was just pregnancy tissue, that it was really nothing at all. And again it was either doing this or being a mother, and I am not ready to be a mother!
Today will be a day that I will never forget, but I am happy I did it. Now I am just wondering how I will feel over the next few days and what Christmas will be like.
The strangest part about all of this is that I feel normal. In fact I just got done watching a nice good comedy called Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

[Sam W]

Hi Justyne,

I'm so glad to hear the appointment went well and that the staff who were with you were caring and helpful! People really do feel all sorts of ways after having an abortion, including feeling pretty normal. If you'd ever find it helpful, we can link you to some resources and sites where people share their experiences with abortion, including the way(s) they felt afterwards.

Are there ways we could support you right now, or a direction we could take this thread that'd be useful to you?

[Justyne]

Thanks Sam
Coming up on 24-hours post-abortion and my body is definitely feeling different. Some cramping of course but my breasts are in pain right now and my nipples are really sore. My breasts definitely have swollen up a little bit. Planned Parenthood told me this is all normal, everybody is different so it is what it is.
I am not sure where I go from here. Part of me wants to forget about it and move on, and another part of me wants to talk with the guy who got me pregnant tell him what happened. I have known him since I was 13, he is a nice guy, but maybe I just want to put a little blame on in just because I can?
For the past couple hours now I've been thinking about maybe telling a family member. Maybe I should tell my auntie about it? I think my auntie would be a good choice. Maybe just have some kind of backup on Christmas.
I'm just glad I did it. And I really can't believe I did it. I'm surprised that I did it! But I feel good about it.

[Alexa]

Hi Justyne:

I'm so glad to hear you feel good about your procedure! I know it can be hard navigating the symptoms afterwards, but they will pass.

Who you choose to tell is completely up to you. If your Auntie is a trusted person, that seems like a good choice for you. As for telling the guy, that choice is completely up to you. I see that Alice recommended giving yourself time to process before your procedure -- I agree that that was a good idea! Now that you have time to heal, you can weigh the pros and cons. If you choose to share with your Auntie or other trusted friends, they also may be able to help you weigh that out if they know him or the situation more intimately. Seconding Sam -- let us know if we can support.