I need advise

[artsandcrafts]

Hi
I am not really sure how to explain this, so I apologise if this is a bit all over the place.
The main question I have is, is it a bad thing if your first sexual experiences and losing your virginity are with a friend with benefits instead of a romantic partner?

Some of the context is that I have a chronic illness that means I have very limited amounts of energy and I don't have much independence in terms of being home alone or going out on my own. This really affects my ability to meet new people, so I have quite a small friend group. It also means that I am currently not healthy enough to pursue or sustain a romantic relationship. This is where I think my want to have as close to no strings attached sex as possible, whilst still being able to really trust the person, comes from.

I haven't had sex or even properly kissed someone yet, but I want to; I just feel held back by my need to know exactly what to do, how to do it right and how to do everything perfectly. I feel like that in a relationship/arrangement that was not romantic I would find it easier to let some of that go and that it would help my fear of being judged if I did something wrong. Thus, making it easier to be intimate in the future with somebody I am also romantically interested in.

I have recently been openly discussing sex and relationships as well as a mutual interest in exploring kink with one of my friends, let’s call him T, and mutually the idea of being friends with benefits was raised. I am interested but I did not either agree or disagree as I said I would have to think about it. On my part it would be a way to be able to relatively safely explore sex and potentially kinks with somebody that I feel comfortable with and able to be completely honest with and from what T has said a way for him to satisfy his want to have sex and intimacy with someone (again).

The main complications come from the fact that I don't want to upset any of my friends or ruin any of my few friendships. I was very briefly in a relationship with one of them, let’s call him K, but it never went further than very brief kisses and I broke it of after a few months, quite recently, due to the fact that I realised I really didn't like him in that way. I also have turned down another of my friends, let’s call him G, when they asked me out previously. Me T, K and G are all in the same friend group. So, whilst I recognise that I can't protect everyone's feelings I don't know if pursuing this relationship is a bad idea but also when do you get to the point when you prioritise your wants, needs and feelings over others.

Some of the hesitancy I have is that even though my parents are very open about most things including sex the impression I get from them is that sex especially your first time should be with somebody you are in a romantic relationship with and that you most importantly trust and whilst I do trust T I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him. I fear that my parents or my friends will find out and be disappointed in me or judge and develop an unsavoury opinion of me. As well as the fact I have a close relationship with my mum, partially due to being ill, that I would a feel uncomfortable about what would essentially be sneaking around as well as the fact I am not well enough to sneak around.

I think that is everything and sorry it is so long,
do you have any advice?

[Sam W]

Hi artsandcrafts,

To answer your main question: nope, it's not bad to choose a more casual sexual experience for your first one. You're right that many people, your parents included, tend to express the belief that one's first sexual experience should be with a romantic partner. But there's nothing inherently wrong with choosing a more casual relationship in which to explore your sexuality, assuming everyone is communicating and on the same page about the relationship. If that's what you're leaning towards for yourself, I really love this article on how to navigate casual relationships in a way that's safe and satisfying: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex. If you and T trust each other and are comfortable being open and honest in your discussions of sex, then T sounds like a pretty good casual partner. I will say that, with your fears about not knowing how to do things "right," choosing a partner you feel comfortable and able to communicate with is actually a bigger piece than whether the relationship is casual or not.

With your concerns about your friend group, are you worried that because K and G have both expressed interest in you in the past, they might get upset if they learn you and T have a casual, sexual relationship? Or is it more that if things don't go well with T, you're afraid that will mess up the ability of you all to be friends?

With those worries about being judged, would it be helpful to use this space to talk about how to push back against judgment if a friend or family member expresses it? We could also talk a bit more about those feelings about "sneaking around," since it sounds like those are stressing you a little bit.

I also want to toss this series your way, in case you haven't seen it: Disabled Sex Yes!. We also have some other resources on navigating sex when you have parent caregivers, and if that's something that you think would be relevant to you situation, I can get you the link to that as well.

[artsandcrafts]

Hi

Slight change of circumstances since my previous post, I ended up discussing this with my mum because I am terrible at keeping secrets. Her immediate reaction was no but upon further discussion her main problems with it were that she feels it is a stupid risk to take as it could ruin the very few friendships I do have. Her stance on most things is that if it doesn’t hurt you or anyone else then it is probably all right, her opinion of this is that I would be playing with others feelings and stupidly risking my own. She also isn’t super happy with the idea of me sleeping, especially for the first time, with someone I am not in a relationship with, but she does understand and respect the fact that ultimately it is my decision.

I know there were romantic feelings on Ts behalf about 3 years ago but we have talked about this both at the time and in the past few weeks and I have made it explicitly clear that we will never be romantically involved and he has said that he wouldn’t want that now anyway. Another thing that worries me is that T doesn’t have excellent mental health so I am worried that if he even slightly sees this as a way to potentially get in a relationship with me that it would really screw with his head, and ruin our friendship, when he realises that it isn’t. Even though I have made it clear that it never will be.

I am worried about K, G and the other 2 people in our friend group finding out especially as the brief thing with K was very recent. I am worried that pursuing this with T at both this current point in time or if ever could irreparably destroy my relationships with my only friends.

I also know that when I am doing a bit better, which I am at the moment, I often throw myself into life way too quickly and try to grab as many experiences as fast as I can. Some of this is because I feel very trapped by the fact that my body doesn’t always do what I want it to or what it should do if I wasn’t ill. So, when I feel better, I have to consciously make sure I don’t do too much and make myself worse again. So, I have said to T that if we did do this it would have to be very slow so I can make sure it is something I definitely want.

I am over all feeling confused about what I should do as I have overthought the whole thing an awful lot and it all just makes a bit of me feel that it was all a stupid idea and that I shouldn’t even consider it but then a part of me does still really does want to try it.

[Heather]

I've lived with chronic pain and illness myself, so I empathize with a lot of this.

I wonder, though, if at least for a minute, it might be helpful to take that out of the equation and look at the other parts of this as as a possibility.

For instance:
• Is T someone you are actually very interested in as a sexual partner? Do you feel a good deal of desire to be sexual with this particular person?
• Too, you mentioned something up here about this person being in a state of mental health that has you concerned they'd be a good fit for you as a partner. Is there anything about them, specifically, that you think would make them a good fit for you? What about anything else you think might make them a poor fit?
• How do *YOU* feel about starting your sexual life with partners in something that isn't a romantic relationship? I feel like I heard what others do or might think, but I'm not sure I know how you feel about it. This is about you, not other people, so setting aside your fears about judgment from others for a second, is this a kind of interpersonal environment that feels like what you want, for yourself? Does it feel like the right thing for you, or do you think you'd prefer something else?
• By all means, our ideals and real life don't always square, but do you feel like you have an idea for this? Like, if you could have your way, what do you envision as an ideal way for you to have first sexual interactions or a relationship with someone? What would that person be like? What might your relationship to them be?

[artsandcrafts]

Thanks for the advise it has been really helpful

I think if I wasn’t ill and this wasn’t potentially affecting my only friend group I would talk my through my concerns about his feelings with T and if he was agreeable I would slowly go for it.

However I am ill so I think I have come to the conclusion that I need to give myself some more time to think about it. Because whilst I am perfectly fine with having a non romantic relationship as my first time, I even think I might prefer it, I don’t know if choosing T is entirely because I want to and not partially because I feel comfortable with him and because he is there (I have very limited options due to being ill). This would also stall/stop the dilemma/fear I am having about how it would affect my friends.

I am just not really sure how to tell T this, is it fair to say to him I am not sure about it currently but I am not saying no never? Is it also worth while or even fair to bring up my concerns when I talk to him about holding off as they did affect my decision?

[al]

Hi there artsandcrafts,

I'm glad that you're taking your time to think about your feelings and not rushing into things. I totally know what you mean about taking on too much when things are good, because it feels like there won't be that many chances, or your body might turn on you at any moment. That's #chronicillnesslife for sure.

I think that waiting a bit and/or talking things over with T could provide the clarity that you're looking for. Changing things up in your relationship with him and potentially affecting both your relationship with your friends and your individual friendship with him as someone who you really like having around and feel comfortable with does come with a few risks. But at the same time, as someone who's thinking about doing this stuff for the first time, and as someone who feels like they have less options than other folks in terms of dating/sex/romance/social stuff, I could imagine that anytime you were considering hooking up with someone it might feel like you were taking some big risks.

In terms of communicating with T, would it help to talk through what you might say, and how you might think he'd react?

[Heather]

I also want to remind you, on top of Al's excellent advice that it is ALWAYS okay to say no to sex with someone, whatever the situation.

It's okay to say no when you have said yes months, days or even minutes earlier.
It's okay to say no because you need more time to think about it.
It's okay to say no because you're just not sure you're a good fit for each other.
It's okay to say no because you're not sure enough to say yes.
It's okay to say no when you aren't even sure why you don't want to say yes, but you don't.

You don't owe T anything because you two talked about maybe having sex. And if anyone doesn't make room for your no's, won't accept them, or gets angry or upset with you about them -- or they haven't done those things, but you think they might -- then they are telling you all you need to know about you being right to say no to sex with them, because that's not a safe interpersonal dynamic to have sex in. Make sense?

[artsandcrafts]

Thanks for all the advice.

I don’t think T would react angrily and i also think he would respect my decision. My fear is more around disappointing him or upsetting him and that is something that I worry a lot about in everything I do not just concerning him. So, I think I will talk to him and just be honest about how I am feeling and if he does end up taking it badly then it will reassure me that I made the right decision. If he takes it well then I will be able to think about it more and possibly change my mind in the future.

[Heather]

So, that's also a note, I think, to put in for your consideration when deciding about this. If you don't feel fully able to say no or advocate for yourself either with this potential partner, or with any partner, then that might be something you need to either work on before being sexual with someone else, or find an sexual opportunity where you feel very differently,

I think the plan you have in mind sounds good to me: how do you feel about it?

[artsandcrafts]

In regards to T I do feel able to say no. I think my fears of disappointing him come from the fact I have had a little while to get in my head about it, to overthink it and to panic.

I am happy with my plan. A bit of me still does what to say yes but I think given my conflicting feelings it is the best thing to do at the moment.

[Heather]

I also think "not yet," is a totally valid place to be if that's where you are. And that it's pretty much always best to wait until you're at a, "Yeah, *now* is the right time and situation," place when it comes to any kind of sexual situation, interaction or relationship.

I'm glad you feel good about where you're at with this!