Why is love so hard???

[l1ttlesp0on]

I've been dating this guy for almost a year now. We started pretty rocky, he used to drink a lot and we'd get on fights and we broke up on 3 different occasions without him remembering. It's been pretty good for a while and we've traded I love yous and the such but there's a part of me that's got a little nagging voice

I am a pretty emotional person and on birth control which only makes it worse. I cry a lot and little things tend to hurt my feelings. Sometimes I feel like it's more around him

My bf can get pretty emotional and angry sometimes and tends to run off when he does... Literally runs away from me. Sometimes he won't respond to my texts and I won't know where he is, where I am, or if/when he's coming back. It can be pretty upsetting but I understand he needs some space. But if I am anything but positive and happy with absolutely no tears he gets mad again. It's like this anytime I'm upset. He gets frustrated if I get upset at him and will pout like a child until I put my emotions away and apologize.

He can be kinda harsh with his words and regularly calls me a b***h or a c***. Most of the time he's joking. But teasing is just part of how he shows love I think.

When he's sweet and we're vibing well together it's amazing and he's one of my best friends. He'll love on me and cuddle me (he's not a big toucher) and even occasionally will let me show him affection in public (like super rarely I can rub his back a little) but other wise he pulls away at any little contact. I've stopped touching him in public altogether and just process my emotions when we're not together.

I want to talk to him about it but EVERYTIME I try he shuts down and pouts until I apologize and offer to do something to make up for it. Any suggestions?

[Sam W]

Hi l1ttlesp0on,

Unfortunately, the main suggestion when it comes to addressing relationship issues is to communicate about them, something he's made it abundantly clear he's not willing to do, and even makes you apologize for trying to talk about (what kinds of things does he have you do to "make up" for talking about these issues?) And when that happens, it's a sign that the relationship probably isn't stable long term. After all, how are things supposed to get better if one half of the people involved isn't willing to talk about the issues?

But more than that, this isn't sounding like a great relationship for you, period. This is someone who doesn't show or receive affection in the way you do, and who you're not able to share any negative emotions around. And someone who calls you slurs on a regular basis. Now, if you were both on the same page that those were teasing words, or words that you'd reclaimed for yourself, the situation might be a bit different. But as it stands, he's calling you names when he's upset, something that a respectful partner takes care to avoid, even when they're angry.

Something that might be helpful is to take a look at this article: Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For. As you're reading about the different issues, also take a look at the side bar that has the recommendations for how to make a relationship better. Do you think he'd be willing to do any of those?

[Heather]

I want to also just poke my nose in to answer what you asked in your topic title, too.

The long-story-short is that usually, love is *NOT* so hard. Love, when it's healthy, and in the context of a healthy relationship, *isn't* hard like this has been.

What makes this -- how this has been for you -- so hard isn't love. What makes it hard is either a lack of love -- and all the things that are part of love, like someone also having real care and respect for you and your feelings, for instance -- or one or more people in a love relationship being unwilling or unable to love each other in a healthy way.

I'm so sorry this has all been so hard and that you've been through some of this. Just like Sam said, you deserve much better treatment like this, especially from someone you love. <3

[Gone.Sorry.]

Hi, l1ttlesp0on; I'm so sorry you've been going through this and having to feel so frustrated and sad! I agree with Sam W and Heather that love absolutely doesn't have to be this hard - and that it shouldn't be this hard. I think when you get to the point of asking yourself "why is this so hard? what is making it worth it?" that's a really important feeling to explore.

ScarleTeen has a great relationship walkthrough similar to the Potholes & Dead Ends article linked by Sam W, Does Your Relationship Need A Checkup?, that helps you check in with your relationship and how you're feeling and what to aim for in a healthy, happy relationship. It might be a good read through for you to think more in depth about various aspects of your relationship and if they are really working for you.

I also have some links on how to recognize a healthy relationship that I pulled up for another thread. When you're feeling ready, I think they'd be good to look through so you can get an idea of what love looks like when it's not as hard.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationship Models
10 Tenants of a Healthy Relationship
14 Signs of a Healthy Relationship Regarding Partnership
10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship Regarding Individuality
Specific Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Reading through one of those might help you not only dream about and define what you want in your relationship but figure out how to face the aspects of your relationship now that are not working for you.

Please let us know if you have any more questions or if there's a specific way we can help support you. <3

[l1ttlesp0on]

Thank you all much for taking the time to help me out. This has been on my mind for a while and getting another opinion really helps me to realize that I'm not blowing things out of proportion even though I convince myself daily that I am.

To answer your question Sam, usually I offer to make him some food, give him a back rub and/or turn on one of his favorite shows among other things. He never pressures me to do anything sexual and respects when I say I'm not in the mood.

I will definitely give all of those links a read. It's really helpful for me to have something of a basis when thinking about my situation. I do genuinely love him and I think that's part of why this is so hard for me.

[Sam W]

I'm glad getting responses here has been helpful! And you're definitely not blowing things out of proportion; the relationship you're describing sounds really draining and unhappy. It sounds like you're putting a lot of energy into looking after him, when he's not doing you the same courtesy. And, when you try to address those issues with him, he gets upset and demands even MORE energy from you.

One of the hardest things about unhealthy relationships is that often times, they are with someone you love or feel deep affection for. If unkind or toxic people were that way 24/7, it would be much easier to end relationships with them. But in most cases, there are still tings you like about them, or moments you remember fondly. You can love someone and still recognize that being with them isn't a healthy or caring situation for you. Does that make sense?