Scarleteen

So my boyfriend and I have been together 3 almost 4 years. I am a virgin. He is not. When I met him I had never done anything sexual at all. Now he has fingered me and given me oral quite a few times. We have not had sex though. (Vaginal sex) I felt guilty about everything we did at first but I realized that I still consider myself a virgin. Anyway, the other night after he fingered me he grinded against me. He was fully clothed with pants on but I had no underwear on. Him grinding against my bare vagina made me feel really guilty afterward. In the moment I enjoyed it but now I’m terrified and guilty. Am I still a virgin after that?

Hi, Lolgal5566771. I see you also posted this thread in the "Ask Us" section, which is where only staff/volunteers can respond to your questions. Since this is an open section where any user can reply, I'm not sure if you changed your mind about posting here or were just trying to make sure your topic got seen. If you did change your mind and don't want to interact with non-staff about this topic, please go ahead and disregard this post!

.

Can you tell us more about what being a virgin means to you and why you feel guilty regarding sexual acts? What do you think it would mean if you were not a virgin? What does it mean to you to be a virgin? There seems to be a hierarchy you associate with being a virgin vs not being a virgin, particularly for yourself and not so much for your boyfriend. Do you have feelings about your boyfriend not being a virgin? Do you think there's a double standard in how you are treating yourself compared to him?

Have you consented to all the actions your boyfriend has performed (fingering, oral, humping over clothes) or do you feel pressured/coerced to partake in those actions? Does any guilt come from the fact that you didn't want to do these things but enjoyed them or does the guilt all come from the fact that these acts happened?

Did you see the thread The Virginity Scam in this section? It could be a good thread to widen your perspective on how subjective virginity is and how its core concepts are really rooted in misogyny.
In that thread, al also linked to the ScarleTeen article Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context, which is an incredibly in-depth look at what virginity is and what it means. I think it would be an excellent read for you. Can you read that and tell us what thoughts you have after reading it?

I know, that was a lot of questions! I'm sorry about that. I know that's a little overwhelming. I think there are some deeply rooted implications and associations in your post, though, and untangling those will take a little bit of time in doing some thinking, introspection, and reading on other perspectives. If you are still interacting in this post, feel free to take whatever time you need to reply. <3

I honestly don’t feel bad about the other things that we have done in the past. But the “Dry sex” where I wasn’t wearing underwear made me feel extremely guilty afterward. I feel dirty and I feel like yes, I’m still a virgin, but it feels like I was basically having sex except he was clothed and nothing was in me. Can I even call myself a virgin?

Did you read the thread and the article I linked in my previous post? What did you think about the things said in them?