I blame myself but, like, it makes sense/forgiving pt. 2

[AphroditeLoves]

Okay, so I made a post a while ago about forgiving your abuser. Unfortunately, I made the post just before the Christmas break when staff wouldn't be available. There were some things said that were said in the replies that should probably be addressed, but I felt it would be more appropriate to make another post rather than respond in the replies because I have a lot to say.

So, blaming myself. I know y'all said that there was no way it was my fault but also... my reasoning makes sense? But it's weird because if the same thing happened to someone else than there is no way it could have been their fault, but. We are going to ignore that so I can explain why my reasoning makes sense again.

So, I was six, and he was eleven. Sounds bad, right? Well, yeah, but I was extremely hypersexual, and he was, well, an eleven-year-old boy. There were some things I did that I am too embarrassed to even share, but just take my word for it that I was very explicitly sexual. Maybe not erotic exactly, as I was a six-year-old who didn't understand those things much beyond it was a grownup thing and therefore cool to like, but certainly sexual. His being eleven I feel plays another big part in this. He was just emerging sexually, and he wasn't given the resources to understand what was bad or good (my parents didn't talk about that stuff much, always about strangers and/or adults if they did.) I was also very sexual towards him, and now that I think of it, I'm not sure if I would have said no or not (I say would have because I don't remember it.) Speaking of not remembering, I feel like other people would have known something had happened if I fought anything. I shared a room with my little sister, though I suppose since I don't remember it or when exactly it happened she might have not been in the room? It was a small house, I just feel like people should have known if I didn't - I'm not going to say wanted, but accepted it.

Okay, so this is sudden, but I just realized I don't even fucking know if it only happened once. I was thinking about what Heather said about something probably happening to me before to cause such hypersexuality, which, yeah, I think my parents being so open about sexual/erotic stuff when I was a kid probably fucked me up a bit because I was so young, but I actually can't figure out whether I was hypersexual before or after it happened because I only have the general year. Ughhhgdjdls this is so confusing I fucking hate you @ dissociative amnesia.

Okay, so I feel like blaming yourself has a sort of, like... implication? A bad one that doesn't fit me I don't think? It's not like I don't think my brother didn't do anything wrong, or I deserved it, but... I feel like it's just an explanation as to why it happened. It's not like things don't happen for a reason. I'm not saying I could have prevented it since I was freakin' six, but, realistically, without those factors, would it have happened? If my brother was just a bit older and understood more would it have happened? I don't know. But it's just an explanation. The implication of saying it's your fault is that I guess you're mad or disappointed in yourself, but I'm not. Or at least I don't think I am. It's just reality that if I or he or our environment was different it might not have happened.

Like. When I really think about it the reasoning why I blame myself doesn't make exact sense because I wouldn't blame someone else but. Other explanations don't make sense? It's so frustrating.

Also, something I don't think I addressed well enough is is it weird or unhealthy to separate the person who did this from my brother? Like, I have that connection in my brain that it's the same person, but there's also this sort of weird alternate reality version in my head where he's still like that sort of? Like, in a certain state of regression I have this alternate reality (I have two different states of regression but the main one doesn't matter right now,) so stuck in my brain. Like when I'm making vent art or something. And there's also this sort of weird Stockholm thing with regressed me and this au brother of mine and it makes me feel weird. Also glorification of him and what he did. So maybe in that regressed state, I am very self-loathing and the implications of blaming yourself fit. A pretty good example of this is something I scribbled on a drawing "Did I present myself to you like a good girl? Or did I shut my whore legs, desperate to keep your magnificence out?" (there's also a lot of misgendering...) But it's also slightly satyrical and way more loathing of him for what he did than I usually am. It's hard to describe. I guess that mindset isn't too healthy but is it uncommon?

Anyways I am DONE rambling.

[al]

Hi AphroditeLoves,

I'm sorry to hear that things are still feeling confusing, but I'm glad you're here following up and talking about how you feel.

I totally hear what you're saying about how self-blame feels like an explanation. That's a pretty common experience for people who have gone through difficult and traumatic things. They start questioning themselves, and focusing on what they could have/couldn't have done, because "things happen for a reason" feels better than sitting with feelings of hopelessness or despair. And in this case, it might feel easier to blame yourself than to think about how this affects your relationship with your brother.
I wanted to ask - how are your interactions with him as it stands right now? Do you feel safe in them? Does seeing him or talking to him (if you are) feel like it negatively affects you at all?

In that vein, I think it makes sense that you've been thinking about the person that did this as a different version of your brother, because that might feel easier in times of distress than trying to reconcile the person that you're close with and the person that hurt you. I can't really say what's "healthy" or not - you're the person who can decide for yourself whether a particular way of thinking is and isn't helpful for you in this moment. But I will say as a survivor of trauma that there are a whole lot of strategies that our brains and hearts employ to keep us feeling safe and comfortable - things like daydreaming, dissociating, compartmentalizing, etc. Does being in that state, and making vent art, and allowing yourself to express those feelings of loathing in an unrestrained way feel helpful at all?

Is there anything that we can do to be supportive to you right now?

[Gone.Sorry.]

Hi, AphroditeLoves. I am so sorry for what you've been through and what you're working through right now. This is not at all easy stuff, and it makes sense that you've got a lot of confusing and even conflicting feelings, a lot of questions, a lot of anger, a lot of repressed anger, a lot of sadness - just a lot of feelings in general. That's all perfectly normal. <3 Healing from trauma is a lot like going through the stages of grief. It takes us a while to sort out and process our feelings so that we can accept them and figure out how to move on. If you're interested, here is a site that goes over what the general phases of recovery are when recovering from any trauma that also lists some healthy coping and recovery methods.

I want to repeat that none of what happened is your fault. Considering your brother's age and factors of how you were raised that you touched on, it could make sense to place part of the blame on the way your brother was raised and the lack of good supervision that allowed this experience to occur. But no matter how you slice it, the victim/survivor is absolutely never ever, ever at fault. It doesn't matter how you acted. It doesn't matter how you dressed. It doesn't matter. It doesn't. It was not your fault in any way, shape or form. It was not your fault in any capacity.

I understand the reaction to self-blame. As al said, this is a very common feeling for survivors to struggle with. I think a part of us finds it easier. It seems less vulnerable and stronger for us to take the blame for what happened to us. That puts responsibility of what happened on us. If we take responsibility, that gives us the impression that we have complete and utter control and if only we act/dress/think/behave in a certain way, we can protect ourselves from ever being hurt again.
As scary and as vulnerable as it is: this is simply not true. It's easier for us to hate ourselves and focus our criticism on ourselves than to accept someone we care about - even love - could have possibly hurt us in such a deep and profound manner. It's easier to believe in the weakness and badness of ourselves than to believe in the cruelty - even if it's ignorant child cruelty - of others, especially those we love and/or look up to.
But there is a power in recognizing how untrue all of this is. It takes an incredible strength to be able to say "it was NOT my fault!" It takes incredible courage to admit "you hurt me, and I'm angry and heartbroken about it". But if we can manage to do so, it is really good for us. It is empowering. It can increase our self-esteem and confidence. It can give us the insight to better navigate through our lives and our relationships. It can help give us the power to stand up for ourselves. It can help us stop living in the shadow of our trauma and/or our abusers and to go out and live our own lives.

It's hard to reach that point where you can really accept and know that it was not your fault, not one bit. Even after accepting it, there might be times where you struggle and temporarily forget that. But that won't change the fact that what happened wasn't your fault. It takes a lot of vulnerability and strength to recognize that. It takes time. It takes repeated effort of reminding yourself of that fact. None of the responsibility for what happened lies on your shoulders. I am so sorry for what you've been through.

As for separating what your brother did to you from your brother, this is actually something called "compartmentalization". Compartmentalization is incredibly common. Everyone, at some point in their life, is going to compartmentalize.
Compartmentalization is a defense mechanism and coping method humans use in order to deal with what is called "cognitive dissonance". Cognitive dissonance is basically a fancy word for "conflicted beliefs". Cognitive dissonance makes us feel anxious/guilty/negative. Compartmentalization is basically the reasoning we give ourselves to make ourselves feel bad about the cognitive dissonance. For example, here's some instances of cognitive dissonance and compartmentalizations:
- My father makes racist jokes (dissonance) but he's just from a different time and doesn't understand how hurtful these jokes are (compartmentalization), so he isn't really racist.
- Even though I take more oxy than prescribed and can't stop taking them (dissonance), I'm not addicted to oxy because I have a prescription (compartmentalization) and I'm supposed to be taking these pills.
- [Bully] (dissonance) isn't really a bully because they were a kid when they hurt me and kids don't understand what they're doing (compartmentalization). It was just kids being kids.
- I smoke (dissonance) mostly when I'm with other people, so I'm not addicted: I'm just a social smoker (compartmentalization).

What your brother did to you is causing you cognitive dissonance (you love him, but he hurt you and now you don't know how to feel), so you compartmentalize by reasoning that he was a kid, that it was your fault, and that what he did is different from who he is in order to cope with the negative feelings this revelation has brought up for you.

Compartmentalization can be unhealthy. For example, when associated with addiction/substance abuse, compartmentalization is a part of what keeps people from seeking help, and so it is unhealthy. Sometimes, we compartmentalize on a much smaller scale and it's not unhealthy; it just helps us manage our feelings. For example, if you spill a drink you wanted to drink but you soothe your feelings by reasoning that the drink was half empty, anyway, and not much got wasted. That can be a form of compartmentalization and it doesn't really hurt anything.

I'm not a trained therapist or psychologist in any way, but I have personally found compartmentalization a helpful technique in me being able to process the trauma I've been through on a timeframe that I can actually handle. I compartmentalize everything that is too overwhelming. I let these bits and pieces out in very, very small amounts at a time so that I'm processing what I went through in steps rather than all at once. Facing everything all at once can be very overwhelming! Breaking things down and dealing with them as you are ready to face them can be much more beneficial.

So, for example, you might process your feelings about how your parents raised you in being so open about sexual/erotic things while never providing you with a healthy model of how to explore and express your sexuality in age appropriate ways. When you start coming to terms with that and figuring out how you feel about it, then you might start processing what happened to you when you were six and working on accepting that it wasn't your fault. Finally, at that point then you might start processing your feelings towards your brother, accepting that it is okay to 1) be angry at him over what he did to you, and 2) understand that while he was at fault for his actions, there were other factors that impacted how he acted and that perhaps he was also a hurt kid acting out his hurt, and 3) forgive him, even if knowing what has happened changes your relationship with him. Life isn't always black or white. People who hurt others can often have more complicated reasons behind why other than "they wanted to". Perhaps they weren't taught better or they were looking for attention over their own hurts in their own life. But just because there is an understandable reason why someone acts out, that does not erase the hurt they caused or mean that they should not take accountability for their own actions.

This post turned out longer than I meant, and I went over some difficult and confusing concepts. I'm very sorry about that - I know it's a lot to take in on top of what you're already trying to deal with. Basically, I'm just trying to say: It's not your fault! And it's okay to have complicated and confusing feelings about what you've been through and what you're experiencing now.

I'd like to second al's question. Please let us know what we can do to help be supportive to you right now.

[AphroditeLoves]

To answer the first question, I have to say my relationship with him had taken a downfall since he said that he was sorry about that, though that could also be the fact that I also came out as trans on literally the same day and he's a transphobic piece of shit. And he's also in general conservative and I'm way more openly liberal since then. Talking with him is distressful, and the actual sexual assault thing bothered me for a while actively, but it doesn't much anymore in conversations. I don't like it when he touches me though, and I guess that's new. But it's either living with him or my dad, which literally makes me want to kill myself. And I have terrible impulse control, so, yeah. I shouldn't live with him (he's trying to get primary custody though and I am about to yeet some pills into my fucking mouth-)

The second question. I think that state does help me, in a weird way. Or at least I enjoy being in that state, though I also enjoy reading triggering content so who knows. If anything it makes me feel gross, but talking about it, in general, makes me feel gross. I just don't like how weirdly lovey it is. I feel like the housewife of an abusive asshole and I love him and refuse to leave him but I also poison his dinner a bit every night in hopes he dies but also I am six years old. I like just regressing as much I think. They're different, and I'm not sure how to explain why I like being in that state so much when it's so tragic and terrible. Oh my god, it's so Lana Del Rey.

How to support me? I don't know. I mostly post these for the initial responses. I like being comforted but I hate asking for it. I like hearing people explain this stuff to my personal situation because I feel like it could never be anyone else's fault, but I just make sense. I just do. It's so hard because I can't remember what, or when it happened. I just know it happened when I was six. I have no way of knowing the leading events to what happened. I don't even know exactly what he did, how far he got. I have zero explanation and I'm too scared to ask him for one.

Sorry for taking a while to respond. I've rewritten this like five times and I've had a friend over for the weekend.

[Sam W]

Hi AphroditeLoves,

It makes a lot of sense that between this and his reaction to your coming out your relationship has taken a nosedive. Since any physical contact with him makes you uncomfortable, do you feel able to tell him "nope" when he tries to touch you, even if it's very casual? I will say that it's also up to you whether you want to try to learn more about the events leading up to assault. A caution I'd offer with that is that if you get the explanation from him, you're likely getting the version were he tries to deflect blame from himself as much as possible, which may not be the healthiest thing for you to hear.

What you're describing, those conflicting feelings, regression, coping in ways that seem almost counterintuitive, are things that many survivors deal with. As Al mentioned above, in many ways you're going to be the best judge of what coping methods leave you feeling better at the end and which ones leave you feeling worse. That being said, it might be helpful to add some trained supports into the mix. Are you, or have you in the past, talked with a mental health care professional or a survivor support resource about everything you're dealing with?

In that same vein, since you're saying the custody battle is really stressful for you, and now you're dealing with all of this on top of it, I just want to check in about your safety. Have you been having serious thoughts about hurting yourself?