Forgiving a previous 'abuser': is it, like, allowed?

[AphroditeLoves]

So this might be a weird question to ask, and to some people the answer may be obvious, but I'm just really conflicted about it. Spending time on CSA tumblr does not help, there's only Hello Kitty with red text arial vents.

Getting right into it, I completely separate my brother from the person who did... That. May be problematic, whatever. People on this site keep claiming it's never about sex and always about power, but some part of me can't believe that it's always about power.

I was a very, very hypersexual child. I'm not one to like, blame myself for this, but I was very... How do I say this.... Promiscuous? Either way I was just completely obsessed with sex, and thought I was oh so mature. Towards my brother a lot, because I knew he didn't like it. Weird, I suppose, considering what he did. I can't help but wonder if I — I was just very hypersexual. I was six year old 'girl' flaunting 'herself' and my brother was a budding eleven year old. He said it himself he first started watching porn in sixth grade, it's not to far of a stretch to say he wanted to do some other shit too.

So, my brother was a dumbass. Okay. Now, flash forward eight years later, and we're hanging out on the couch. Don't worry, it's not going where you probably think it is. We were the only people in the house, and my brother gets all serious and grim out of nowhere. He starts talking about being so fucking sorry, like so sorry he's crying, about something that happened at our old house. I have no fucking clue what he's talking about. He says that it would have been so traumatic there's no way I couldn't remember it — but, alas, I have quite the dissociation habit.

Now, obviously, he could be talking about something else, but based on the fact that I've always related to csa victims in a way I couldn't explain, and when I watched the first episode of Unbelievable on Netflix oh god I swear I could feel it, I doubt it's anything else. Everyone I've told this story to agrees with me. But on the off chance that That wasn't what happened, there's nothing to forgive of course

Anyways, I have a habit of rambling and being unable to recognize it, so I've probably gotten off topic at least five times. My question, of course, is if it's okay to forgive him but not like, forgive the person who did That. It's obviously the same person but also... Eleven and nineteen are different as hell. And especially considering I was already flaunting myself everywhere, is it even like... Appropriate to blame him? It's so confusing. I've always heard everyone tell people it's okay to not forgive because they hurt them, but nobody tells me it's okay to forgive him.

Ramble ramble, some other low-key victim blaming and self hatred, but aside from all that it's still aight to kinda just brush past it when I think of him? He's so sorry, so very sorry, I can't imagine not forgiving him for that. I can hate him for other reasons, but hating him for That just seems bitter.

[Heather]

Hey there.

Unfortunately, we're about to close our direct services for the next two weeks, and I'm also not on the clock today save to take care of that, so I'm afraid we can't have the kind of in-depth conversation with you about this that it warrants. Not until we're on the other side of that break, anyway.

But in brief, what I will generally say to any survivor of abuse is that it gets to be us whether we want to forgive those who harmed us or not, as does what that even looks like. For some, for instance, that might mean doing whatever it is you do for yourself emotionally

I am not here for this idea that any victim of sexual abuse or assault has asked for it. I also am very familiar with children's sexual behaviour, and the idea you were "flaunting" yourself in some way your brother just couldn't resist just isn't how sexual abuse works. There are also common reasons if and when very young children are highly sexual in ways we think of as adult, and most of those usually stem from pre-existing abuse or other harms, so there's a lot to talk about in all of that, and I'm sorry that I don't have the ability to do that with you today. I hate to leave you thinking some of these things, because I know them not to be good for anyone, so I do hope you'll come back when we're back after the 3rd. I'd be glad to talk more about all of this with you then, and I do hope you take me up on that.

For now, though, you get to do what you need to do to survive -- including psychologically and emotionally -- first and foremost. So, if you need to just not think about this when it comes to your brother to cope right now, you get to. Same goes with forgiveness: you get to do that if you want and in whatever way that works for you. If you didn't want to, or just didn't feel that, that would also be okay. Abuse and assault take away our free choices and our right to our own bodies and selves. No one and nothing should do that. You are absolutely entitled to the whole range of your choices in how you feel about this and what you do to heal from it and live with it. I just hope that you can do that in a way that's mostly about what YOU need and what's right for you, not about what you think is or isn't fair to others. You deserve to center yourself in this, okay?

I also want to say that I'm sorry you've had to experience this. I'm not entirely sure what this is because you've been vague so far -- which is totally acceptable and also pretty fair to do in a space you don't really know is safe for you yet -- but we're clearly talking about sexual abuse that was done to you within your family, and I am sorry you have to experience that, and sorry that it sounds like you haven't yet had the chance to get a lot of help around it. I am glad you've survived it, though, and glad you found us. I look forward to talking more, if you want, when we're back in 2020. <3

[al]

Hi Aphroditeloves,

I want to second everything that Heather said and add something in particular about child sexuality. Even if you acted in certain ways, or initiated “sexual” behavior with anyone older than you, they should have had the ability to recognize that as it was and not engage (and ideally seek out some support for you). If a six year old started behaving in a “sexual” manner (and I put in quotes there, because those behaviors are more mimicry/exploration in adolescents who haven’t developed secondary sex characteristics yet), people who are older (and have gone through puberty) understand that it’s not appropriate to respond in the same way. Most people don’t put pre-pubescent expressions of sexuality in the same category as their own sexuality, and most young people are capable of understanding that. Eleven and nineteen are very different age-wise, but so are eleven and six.
That being said, getting this information and hearing that from your brother is a lot to take in. I can understand why you might be feeling conflicted and confused (especially since this involves someone you still have what seems to be a close relationship with). As Heather said, after the break, we would love to be a safe space to process how you’re feeling and what would be best for you.