People on Testosterone: Is Erectile Dysfunction possible?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey y'all,

So this is a topic I've been curious about for some time now.

Is it possible for a transmasc person on T to develop erectile dysfunction?

In past posts I've had my concerns over what amount of masturbation is too much. Now I feel like I have a better idea because it's notably effecting my sex life (at least when I'm having one).

I typically limit my masturbation to once or twice a day depending on what's going on. Typically nowadays it's just once a day (usually at night before bed). The reason why is because I can and have masturbated out of compulsion or boredom if I don't stop myself. Not because it brings any sort of sexual pleasure or stimulation. I also find it extremely difficult to get off without porn and if I have a partner I don't get off at all now.

Even when attending 18+ events that featured burlesque shows and some of my past hookups since being single I don't feel or develop any erection at all.

When I stop masturbating my sex drive shoots up again but I find it frustrating since I don't have and struggle finding consistent sex partners. But then as mentioned when I do by chance I don't get off.

I have tried to switch up how I masturbate before. I do (or did) like anal penetration but it doesn't seem to work for my body anymore. I have developed enough growth to penetrate a stroker but because I didn't have the money nor the stimuli at the time, I defaulted back to dry humping my sheets (which is how I've always masturbated my whole life).

Any advice if it is and ED related problem?

[Sam W]

Hi BuddyBoi,

It definitely sounds like you're having difficulties with arousal, and that can be super frustrating. Does it seem to be that you have trouble getting an erection while other parts of your body are clearly aroused? Or is it more that you're having trouble with arousal in general, including erections? Since you mention you're curious if T could be a factor, did you notice that the issue started around the time you got on T?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Sam,

So yes, I feel like I can't get an erection. With arousal in general it varies. I can feel my face get hot and feel very flustered in response to any sort of stimuli in person but other than that I can't really tell.

With T being a factor it was much more the opposite! I was extremely horny and masturbated to points where I was raw. Once I was in my relationship started (which I was 4 months on T at the time), sex was something my ex girlfriend and I both had in common. We would do it A LOT if given the chance. So I stopped watching or using porn almost entirely during our relationship and hardly ever masturbated at all. However the only difference was on my personal low dose, I could not only get an erection but also still have more than one orgasm. So I was basically the Energizer bunny and could get off at least 3-5 times in a single session. Solo sessions would be about 3 and then I'm done.

Now on my current dose where I'm in a more "male" range. If I do decide to masturbate I take longer to get off and once I do it's the semi-intense big O sort of finish. However it's not nearly as intense as it once was when I first started T and I haven't gotten off with a partner (at least in a physiological sense) since I had broken up with my now ex-girlfriend.

I don't really know what to do exactly and regardless of whether or not it's a date or hooking up, I never have a partner consistent enough to help me become adapted to getting off without porn again. So I feel like I'm in this endless loop of not enjoying sex or masturbation until I find a consistent sexual partner (significant other or not).

[Heather]

I wonder if some of this isn't just getting back used to how this can all be now that the T has leveled out/you've gotten more used to it? (Am I also correct in remembering that you're also now on medication for bipolar?)

Can you say a little to me about how all of this was for you pre-T? Did it feel a lot like this does now, or was it different?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Heather,

My sex drive was pretty active before T but the feeling of being adapted to masturbating, doing so out of habit and not getting off with a partner were still apparent.

Pre-T I had no idea how to physically pleasure myself with a partner. I was happy to get them off and felt a sense of pride in being able to do so but after a while really wanted to have sex to also take part in that physical pleasure.

Now that I think of it, it explains why I loved dry humping and masturbation over penetrating sex using a toy with a partner when I first started having sex.
Again it wasn't until my ex girlfriend that I actually started to get off during sex.

After that I finally I understood the dumb decisions and the stereotypical aspects of wanting sex. Once I got my prosthetic everything was ten times better in that department.

Now with being medicated for bipolar disorder. After my relationship broke off I was exceedingly horny like I was when I first started T. Toss that in with hypomania and I ended up in a variety of sexually motivated stories.

If I remember correctly, I started to shift back to my masturbation habits but with a twist. Initially I had gotten to a point where I was in need of that penetration because of the significance of my growth. I also inadvertently had been using my genitals in a new way but unfortunately didn't have the money at the time to get a toy that would help me with this new method of masturbation.

After a few awkward attempts of basically trying to stick my dick into homemade items I eventually adapted back to the way I masturbated pre-T. Once I was medicated the hypomania is now gone and I no longer go through phases of compulsive hypersexuality where I don't even get off.

That's right! Even in those sex stories during hypomania I still wasn't getting off, even with my prosthetic. Regardless of how attractive my partners were I didn't get off during sex.

I did mentioned having a boner or two from kissing a really cute girl I was hanging out with for a bit before I went back to school but other than that I was experiencing little to no arousal unless I stopped masturbating.

Because of my embarrassment and a slight underlying fear of my sexual attraction and arousal. I masturbate because I feel like it keeps my sexual desire under control. Like I'm less frustrated about not having sexual contact with people I'm attracted to if I'm desensitized to it.

If planned accordingly (which is not how sex of any kind really works) I can stop masturbating to "prepare" so I can actually be sensitive to any contact made to my body. But often, and I even did this with the convention, I masturbate when I feel like I'm not going to have sex or when I'm sad. Friday night, the first night of the convention, I was exhausted and felt there wasn't much of a point in going out when I "knew" I wouldn't meet anyone I was interested in that return that.

So I stayed home, let myself feel sad, masturbated A LOT and then went to bed. Which is why the next night I felt little to no arousal at the burlesque show or with the pretty person who kissed me and got close to me during the rave. I again did feel flushed in the face and a bit flustered but I didn't feel anything downstairs.

So I hope that gives more insight on what I've been experiencing in the past two years.

[Amanda F]

Hi BuddyBoi21,

I'll just add that it's normal for everyone, regardless of genitals or hormones, to go through different phases in their libido and activities. This might feel like a frustrating or confusing time, but I'm sure it won't last forever! You're doing a great job of keeping track of when things change and how that relates to your hormones/relationships/wants at those times.

It's also completely fine to feel sexual desire, no matter how much or how little you feel. I can see how having strong feelings might feel a bit scary. Maybe you could explore that - what is it about strong sexual desire that causes you to feel a bit of fear and embarrassment?

I also want to check in with you, so that I can try and help best: How would you like to feel in terms of sexuality and desire? What would you like your sex life (both solo and partnered) to look like? Are there activities, feelings, frequency of sex that you think you would be happy with?

[Heather]

That's a lot of information, thanks for sharing it with me.

You know, I generally try and steer people away from terms and frameworks like "erectile dysfunction" because they suggest that there are right ways to be sexual, and if we or our bodies don't match or fit those ways, something is wrong. I prefer, both personally and professionally, to consider that there really aren't right ways: no right ways for bodies to respond, no right things to want, no right feelings or desires, but instead, there is just how each of our sexualities is at any given moment, and then how we feel with them and however our bodies are....well, being bodies.

Taking all of this in, I'm wondering if you might benefit from seeing if you can't get yourself to a sort of blank slate when it comes to all of this: a blank slate in what you expect to or think you should feel, how you expect your body to or think it should respond, what you expect to or think you should want. I wonder if you can't get yourself to a zero-expectation state -- even if it feels a little false or manufactured at first -- and then figure that everything from there is discovery and you are just going to find out about things for a while and try and be patient with it.

So, for instance, if what you find out is that right now, you're not getting erections, and you're not reaching orgasm, then you find that out and try and just leave it there instead of assuming it means something is wrong. Maybe you also find out that cutting way back on or going without any masturbation for a bit seems to play a part in how much desire or physical reactivity you have with or around a partner or potential partner. Again, then, you observe that and just leave it there, without judgement or thinking you have to do anything about that. What if for right now, you just tried to collect a whole bunch of observations like that for a while and tried to be really accepting of any and all the things? (Maybe journal them, too?)

Then in a bit -- I'd think it's about when it feels like time for you, but let's just say in a month, as one possible place to start -- you just sit with all these observations and experiences and then try and see if they can help you figure out what you want right now that might also be in alignment with how your body has been behaving and how you have been feeling? I feel like if you could do that, it might be easier top hear more of what your body might be saying, but also to figure out how you might find what you want for yourself without it being attached to there being a "right" way?

Is any of that making sense? If so, how does that sound as something to try?

[Heather]

Btw, I was finishing this while Amanda was posting, but I hope you'll also scoop the things she saids into what I am here, because I think they actually are in strong alignment!

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Amanda,

While I thank for validating my experiences I feel like what's happening is more intentional than anything else.

Sure I understand I won't always be in the mood for sex but whatever I know arouses me is presented I hardly or never respond to it in the same way. I've always hated how strongly I've been curious about or desired sex and sexual pleasure, especially with women/femme nonbinary people I'm attracted to.

I feel fearful of my desires and how strong they actually are because of my early sexual experiences with sex exploration. Most of then I thought the normal ways to pursue sex and affection with partners was to jokingly push boundaries with them. My "love language" is also physical touch so I know that I'm more inclined to show physical affection and sexual interest in people I like a lot.

I remember how if I initiated physical contact with a girl I dated very briefly in high school it escalated to dry humping and making out. When we had a movie date I wanted her to sit in my lap and she declined because she didn't want to get kicked out of the theatre. I kept playfully joking and saying that we wouldn't get caught.

Later she broke up with me and I found out she did so because she was afraid I would rape her. I also thought trying to be helpful to her and attempt to be someone she could count on would be a good idea before finding this out. I'd want to see her and I knew where her classes were so I would try to sneak glimpses of her before going to my own classes. I even left a Valentine for her because I wanted to show her I cared.

These behaviors labeled me as a stalker (which I now better understand). At the time I was ridden with guilt and fell into depression which eventually turned to rage because she never told me the truth or communicated with me. She felt unsafe and didn't vocalize why. Eventually I went back to crying almost everyday after this.

Then comes the partner I mentioned in so many posts before where I start to really close myself off from being vulnerable with romantic partners. It was once again an issue of miscommunication and my own issues with understanding nonverbal communication.

In the beginning of our relationship we were both very interested in sex and also long distance. I loved cuddling and kissing her but I also was deeply interested in sexual contact. We would dry hump a lot and that's where I was able to sort of get a taste of sexual pleasure with a partner. Similarly I had this experience with the girl from high school.

After a while my partner at the time, would express that they aren't always interested in sexual contact. I would feel unattractive and unwanted because of how often they didn't want sex as our relationship progressed. To the point I would make passive aggressive jokes about not having sexual contact. We would be mad about one another and she contemplated leaving me quite a few times because she would tell her friends and they saw me as manipulative and felt they should dump me.

Eventually they grew more and more distant. They made jokes about us not being together long term, sort of like "lol don't get your hopes up" sort of manner when I went to their birthday party. I mentally spiralled and drove off trying so hard to keep from harming myself. I called a hotline many times during the tail end of our relationship and months after because of how guilty I felt.

They always tried to reassure me everything was fine, that they had gotten over my unintentional coersive behaviors. But I felt they were lying. The distanced themselves to the point where I would spend days and weeks on end doing nothing but waiting on the phone for them to video call or text me. They kept saying they needed space and my pain and guilt grew to the point where I broke up with them because I wasn't getting any connection.

I felt they just didn't have the bravery to just say they wanted to leave because of how hurt I would be. That's why with my most recent ex girlfriend I just ripped it off. I went to her in person and I said it because although it was hard I knew I would've wanted the same thing. Now she has a new girlfriend who has so much more in common with her and I'm still by myself in a romantic and a sexual sense (at least most of the time).

I try to stave off the loneliness as mentioned before by filling my life with hobbies and relying on my friends.

Overall, I felt my strong desires for sex and an equally horny sexual partner were disgusting forms of lust and should be hidden away so I don't scare anyone off. I now view my hidden desires as Pandora's Box. Once it's opened everything comes flooding out. Even with my ex girlfriend, I would want to keep having sex but she would be too sore continue. I respected her feelings and understood since anal was painful but felt sexually dissatisfied in response.

I never expressed it to her openly all the time and never harshly like I would've before. But I still felt it was the best sexual experience I had ever had.

Now I'm aware I crave that but because dates and people I take to the best seem to not be interested in me as I am with them or just as interested in sex, I've defaulted to "Why bother" and "Keep your sex drive under control".

My idea of under control is being able to never expect sex or even focus on it because everything is numb. This has led to any recent sexual partners asking if I came. I went back to focusing on their pleasure even though now I feel frustrated when I don't get off.

I consume porn a lot and it makes me feel less lonely. I feel like I only do to make sure I feel in control of my sex drive and sexual desires and because I can just think of sex in a comfortable judgement free place without having to awkwardly and anxiously navigated social norms and dead ends with people who are incompatible.

The embarrassment stems from my sexual shame which I've stated in previous posts. Also that I become nervous when I'm unsure my partner wants sex or wants me to take charge. So I just let them do everything and focus on them so at least someone is having fun.

Ideally, I would want to feel sexually satisfied with a partner (or partners) who also are on the same wavelength in terms of the interest in sex. I mean we don't have to have sex 24/7 but I would like consistently.

I would like for some care in a sexual relationship regardless of if we're dating or if we're causal partners. I also want toys or prosthetics that allow me to penetrate using my bottom growth because I found that the most enjoyable.

The frequency would be at least once every time I see the person if we didn't see each other often or simply scheduled days when we had sex. Ideally scheduling would be nice but again I feel like that's not how it works at least from what I've gathered.

I think all of this wrapped up in my relapse of sexual shame is why I just rely on porn. I feel it's consistent, I can just worry about myself and there's no anxiety or awkward exchanges involved. Also I think no one can feel threatened by me if I don't do anything or wait for the other person to make the first move.

So this was definitely loaded but for more context feel free to check my other posts for more context!

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Heather,

I guess what I'm hearing to do a series of observations without attaching any positive or negative meaning to it and seeing how I feel about it without feeling like there's a correct way to get off or function in regards to sex.

I guess I may have worded it weirdly but overall I don't really view anything as objectively "good" or "bad". I feel it's subjectively bad because I would like to get off during sex and enjoy sexual contact by myself or with a partner.

I overall feel frustrated and it just makes me feel even more upset on top of my struggles navigating romantic/dating situations without sex.

Like I don't think my body or genitals are broken, just that what's happening currently is an inconvenience because the pleasure I want to experience is not being met anymore.
Does this make more sense?

[Sam W]

Hi Buddyboi,

You're right, that is a lot of context, but a lot of it is was helpful in terms of seeing how your relationship with your own desires has developed over time.

Yes, my sense is that Heather is suggesting observing and maybe even documenting your feelings and desires around sex from a zero-expectation state and as neutrally as possible.

I do want to make one quick aside before diving into the other stuff in your post. While some people find "scheduling" sex with a partner isn't for them, there are also plenty of people who do actually approach it that way (with the understanding that the schedule does not trump things like consent). Some people find it helps establish a frequency that works for both partners, and some people like that it introduces a fun degree of anticipation. So, that is something you could bring up with a future partner.

Something I'm noticing in this conversation is that it's been hard for you to find a way of feeling balanced in your sexual desires; it's either they're raging, or you're trying to keep them tamped down for fear of scaring people off. I wonder, besides a partner who's sexual desires were compatible with yours, what things do you think would help you get you to a place where you're comfortable with your desires being at the level that they are (whatever that level may be on a given day)?

Too, do you feel like you have the tools you need to discuss things like how often you want sex with a partner respectfully and openly? Or does it feel like those conversations have always gone wonky in the past?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Sam,

Initially, when I read the statement about some people wanting to schedule sex too I'll admit my first thoughts were "Yeah, I'm sure they are", "Yeah but not with me" or "Maybe, but it's not gonna happen"/"Yeah but I'll never find them".

These intrusive thoughts aside, I guess even if I do find a person like that I have this fear I'll be "consumed with lust" and relapse back to my behaviors of feeling unattractive, unwanted and even becoming passive-aggressive in response to my partner(s) at the time not wanting sex.

I also forgot to mention along with coercion that I have a HUGE fear of people failing to tell me no and only engaging in any sexual contact or affection out of obligation, not because they genuinely want to.

I feel like this all or nothing approach with my sex drive is a terrible cycle deeply rooted in sexual shame. I notice I feel embarrassed when I see pretty girls or am aroused by any woman I find attractive. I become afraid of my sex drive when I'm closely interacting with said person (maybe it's a date or a casual setting that allows for flirting and more).

I had therapy today and was told I still carry a lot of what my partners told me about sex. "Only a man and a woman.", "Only when you're married." And by society at large I feel like women or any feminine person is never as horny as men or masculine people. I know none of this is true but it's easier said then done to say stop believing in it.

It's the same with internalizing the sexual relationship I had with my most recent girlfriend. I spent years having experiences in which the women I'm most attracted to are not nearly as interested in sex as I am, they felt obligated to have sex or be affectionate with me or simply deemed me threatening to the point of any interest being nonexistent.

After years of this with the lovely soil of my shame and guilt over sexual attraction of any kind, it's hard for me to remember that for the first time I felt I was allowed to have sex, enjoy it and be sexually attracted to my partner without being/feeling gross.

So do I have the tools to discuss this? Probably??

I just want to hide everything away though. It feels easier or more comfortable. I feel less anxious by avoiding it, even if this makes me feel this upset and dissatisfied. I know how to dig myself out of the hole but that requires a sexual partner, patience and practice probably?

Even then I could just spend weeks or months internalizing affirming thoughts about my sexuality while not pursuing anyone sexually for a bit.

To put it simply yes to the first question but I'm not sure I entirely understand your last question.

I feel like all of my past experiences except for the most recent one went terribly and that until I come across another person where there's mutual attraction and they open up the conversation first, I'm basically going to pretend my sex drive isn't even real and end up forgetting I experience arousal until that person touches me a certain way.

[Siân]

You know, I am wondering if ideas about what sex "should" be and those feelings of shame and being out of control are a major factor in the frustrations you're experiencing right now? I think Heather's point about trying to just notice the ways you're feeling for a little while is a good one.

You've talked about some of the ideas and feelings you're carrying around in earlier posts, and it's come through even more clearly in this one that you seem to be feeling a whole lot of conflict here - wanting to experience sexual desire and fulfilment, wanting to share those things with a partner, but also concerns about hurting other people with those desires or feeling rejected.

I'd like to come back to Sam's question then:

what things do you think would help you get you to a place where you're comfortable with your desires being at the level that they are (whatever that level may be on a given day)?

You've done a bunch of introspection, and come up with some sound ideas. Yes, patience is probably a part of it, though I think there are things you can practice without a partner too.

To me, it seems like some of those conflicts might resolve if you felt more comfortable simply recognising that you were feeling a lot of/very little desire and not needing to do anything about it. Yeah, it's great when you're feeling desire and you're with someone who is feeling that back and you get to be sexual together, but I think that one of the things that's most important for people to be comfortable around us is being able to own our desire without acting on it. It may also be good for your relationship with yourself if you can be unpartnered and accept that if you're going to have sex today it's going to be with yourself. Same with when you're kissing a cute person and not super horny, when you can just enjoy the kissing and not be berating your body for not wanting more then guess what - you get to enjoy kissing this super cute person!

One thing that I think can be super fun and works for both these situations, is to agree a boundary with yourself (and your partner!) and stick to it. Like, "let's not kiss with tongues" or "we're keeping our tops on and not touching eachothers genitals" or "no orgasms" can make everyone feel safe and relaxed and take away a lot of that pressure so you can just enjoy being turned on if you are, or this nice intimacy if you're not.

Of course, this is just one little action you can take. It sounds like this is something that you might want to work on with your therapist too - is that something you'd be comfortable with?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Siân,

This does make more sense. I guess being single I often approach my sexual desire as something that needs to go away. Like there's something dirty or bad about finding people (or at least women and more femme people) attractive. My first reactions are don't look or stare, don't focus on them or whatever you find attractive about them. I keep my head down, focus on my task or zone out and look straight ahead and walk faster away from them.

I guess what I don't like about not feeling anything is that it doesn't make sense to me. If I've reacted to something the same way my whole life for as long as I can remember and then I either build habits to change my reactions or everything just does a completely 180 out of nowhere it feels concerning and frustrating.

I find it extremely frustrating when things change or I feel like I can't control certain things that I feel or perceive as negative. It's part of why I feel bad or uncomfortable with experiencing arousal possibly "too much" or just not experiencing it at all.

It also feels like my body is out of sync with me. I'm physically horny when I don't want to be and not horny when I would like to be. That mismatch also makes me frustrated, I guess it goes back to not feeling in control of myself or the situation.

I like the idea of setting boundaries beforehand but I have two problems (or fears about that idea):
1. What if things deviant from the plan an escalate?
2. What if I feel aroused and they don't and my shame basically comes back full force? I feel gross or have felt gross in the past from being aroused when my partner isn't and the arousal not going away as we continue.
I feel frustrated and being on T I feel comparable to a horny teenaged boy that wants to hump and fuck everything. It's embarrassing
3. I feel like while this is nice in theory most people in may age group and people in general seem to prefer spontaneity and in the moment communication rather than a discussion beforehand. Like they feel it's weird or scripted if there's an agreement in place before going out together. This is even worse in causal hookup situations and flings.

It's why I feel so anxious when making the first move or even asking to make the first move to the point I feel like I can't. I feel even more awkward when the first move is made on me because I don't feel or expect the people I'm most attracted to want sex and sometimes I don't feel like they want sex with me, at least not in the same intensity a lot of the time.

It's why I default to masturbating before dates even if the person ends up stating they want to help me get off. I completely shut down and just keep them away and focus on them rather than myself.

I just feel scared of enjoying myself "too much" and losing control in any way. So masturbation feels safe even if it frustrates me that I can't get off with porn or get off with a partner in any way.

Does this make more sense?

My therapist feels like my shame and past experiences still play a huge part in how I view my own sexuality and encourages to internalize what was told to me by my ex girlfriend. Our sex life was great because she reassured me my attraction and sexual desire was normal. She also noted she personally was always eager to have sex which definitely made my anxiety go down in response.

I really liked having a partner who was more sexually compatible with me because it made me feel like "Pandora's box" wasn't or wouldn't be viewed negatively. It's also part of how I show my affections I guess. My ex even told me that it was normal to find her sexually attractive and that it wasn't sexually objectifiying her by want to have sex with her a lot over watching a ton of porn and masturbating.

With that, it's why I've gone back to "reeling it in" until I can have (a) consistent sexual partner(s). So that way my dates or potential interests aren't put off how eager I can be (which can come off as "thirsty" or entitled in the way that is similar to cis men).

I hope this a more detailed explanation of how I feel currently and how I'm trying to navigate this good news is I'm starting to relearn my body and take note of what I learned I liked from past experiences.

I was also able to get a stroker so I'm really excited!

Anyway thanks for reading!

[Mo]

What really jumped out at me in this response was when you wrote: "I find it extremely frustrating when things change or I feel like I can't control certain things that I feel or perceive as negative. It's part of why I feel bad or uncomfortable with experiencing arousal possibly "too much" or just not experiencing it at all."

There's a lot about sexual arousal that can feel completely out of our control, and it sounds like that aspect of arousal, the lack of control you have over it and the uncertainty about whether someone else will have arousal and desire that's compatible with your own, is really stressful for you. I like what your therapist said about trying to internalize the sexual messages you got from your ex: it isn't objectifying to have sexual thoughts about someone or want to have sex with them, and having sexual desire (both in general and for specific people) isn't wrong. I get that it can be much harder to internalize and truly believe things than it can be to say "well, sure, I guess that is true," but these are definitely things I hope you can embrace as truths at some point.

In terms of some of your questions about boundaries, if you talk to someone and set some boundaries or expectations, and then in the moment you find that you're wanting something different, then that's the moment to pull back and say so. You can say something like "we talked about x, is that still how you're feeling?" and see what the response is. My caveat here is that if someone has said they are not interested in doing something specific (removing a certain piece of clothing, having a certain kind of sex or touch, etc.) then I wouldn't bring that up at the time. If someone says they don't want to do something and then they initiate it during sexual activity, I'd ask about that, for sure.

I think you can adjust when and how you discuss boundaries and expectations, but I think that some conversation is going to be essential. If someone wants to be spontaneous to the extent that they aren't interested in discussing their desires and limits at all, and they want everything sexual to just "happen," I don't think that's going to be someone who will be a great match for you.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Mo,

I reread this a few times and every time my initial thoughts were "Many people don't like this and will either that it's weird or unattractive".
Then I saw the last line and reconsidered the statement.

I also notice with myself I have a great deal of anxiety, fear and embarrassment around communicating my own sexual needs and desires. Especially when I was having casual sexual partners/hookups and not getting off with them. It felt boring and I wasn't enjoying myself (like in a neutral way, not in a painful or boundary-crossing sort of way).

I think I only remember one person in the last few months who was genuinely concerned about me not getting off. He could genuinely tell I wasn't being honest about having an orgasm or even having any sort of sexual pleasure from what happened. It made me feel like he actually cared (and he did which was nice).

Being able to get people off was and still is fun. It definitely can help my ego about being good at sex and being able to get my sexual partners off usually. But soon after it got to a point where I just felt detached. Sex feels extremely mundane to me now and while I don't exactly see it as "something is wrong with me" I recognize I don't like it because I really do enjoy sexual pleasure with other people.

I feel like now my current practices are really just me self sabotaging my own sex life. It's part of why I'm also super nervous about dating this person. I feel like I'm not going to get very far if I tell her I have some sort of "problem" with arousal. Like people want to get off but when hooking up, especially at my age, they're concerned with sex and sexual pleasure not necessarily the steps it takes to get there.

If the other person can't get off and they don't really know how or the level of interest in sex is different or just something else, no one will care or even notice enough to try and help since it isn't their "problem". It took maybe around the 3rd or 4th time of any sexual activity (mostly heavy petting) for me to become comfortable enough with my ex to get off with her rather than porn.

When I actually think about it I have practiced the things you've mentioned before with my ex. I feel like I do know how to communicate but am extremely nervous with new partners, particularly if they're casual. Most of the people I come across are inconsistent in terms of even meeting up (I guess sex too but that's not something I should be concerned with at all). So I never do have enough "time" or "practice" to open up in a more sexual manner. It's why I feel so reliant on porn.

It might take the same amount of time or possibly more with any new partner but that'a assuming I get to that point and if they want to see me more and work with me consistently on that (which again hasn't been happening much at all). As mentioned earlier, I do know how to do the things you've mentioned but I feel like I won't ever have the partner(s) that will make me feel comfortable enough or will be interested enough to get me back to this point where I'm open and comfortable.

I think in actuality this post is more about sexual behavior than what's going on with my body and the huge disconnect between the two. I tend to "like" porn over sex because there's less work involved and I won't feel anxious if I don't have to speak to anyone. Even if the sacrifice is my sexual sensitivity, openness and even some different viewpoints on people and their bodies it just feels like my "only" option.

Does this make more sense?

[Sam W]

Hi BuddyBoi,

That explanation does make sense, especially if some oft he habits you've developed are to lessen your anxiety. Something you mentioned a few times in your answer to Mo is that there's a lot of nervousness for you when communicating with new partners, and that seems to make it harder for you to feel you can be open with them. Now, a little nervousness when dating or being sexual with a new person is totally understandable and okay. But it sounds like this is interfering with what you need to do in order to feel comfortable and satisfied in these encounters. Do you feel like the nerves are attached to something specific (like worries about your body, or partner's reaction to something, etc)? Or are they pretty general?

With this new person you're interested in, I wonder if it would help to re-frame how you talk about it to yourself before you talk about it with her. Rather than talking about what's happening with your arousal as a "problem," try talking about it as simply a reality of how your body is right now, with as little value judgement on it as possible. That doesn't mean you can't acknowledge, to yourself and to her, that it's frustrating. But by not ascribing a value judgement to it ("problem" versus "not a problem"), you're setting a tone for both of that's "this is how my body is right now, so we can work with that rather than seeing it as something that's in the way."

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Sam,

To answer your first question, I'm more nervous about their reaction to something. Like when and if I bring up the conversation of sex that they'll be very turned off by the way I try to approach it or that they're just uninterested in general.

There's also just the aspect of feeling embarrassed over how I get off at times. A person or two in the past have thought it was silly to only want dry humping before I had had sex because I wasn't comfortable with sex at the time. It was like "Why dry hump when you can do the 'real' thing?".

It made me feel embarrassed to the point I'm scared to admit to new partners with the exception of my ex that I actually really like that either before I'm comfortable enough to have sex or that I like it as foreplay.

Thankfully the conversation hasn't come up yet and thanks to all of everyone's advice in these threads I felt a lot less anxious about the situation and my body's reactions. The conversation about sex didn't come up at all and instead it progressed organically.

I kept in mind the aspect of it's okay to feel aroused from seemingly "simple" things and not really having to have sex or do anything about arousal if it comes up. Hopefully this will continue to progress well!

Thanks a lot!

[BuddyBoi21]

Alright so things I've noticed with my sexual responses and habits:
I have had a significant disinterest in porn/porn usage. I find that I don't get off as easily as I used to with masturbation and porn so I've almost stopped using it altogether.

I think my genitals function differently since being on testosterone for a while as mentioned before. So really I feel I should change the way I masturbate very soon.

I understand why it was advised to not to treat my sexual response or lack thereof as a "good" or "bad" thing. I guess my largest issue was that I liked sexual pleasure and the sensitivity my body regained when I started T alongside learning how my body worked well enough to enjoy sexual contact with a partner. I really like sex but now that I'm somewhat out of touch with my body, lack the tools to help with my desire for sexual pleasure and no longer have a consistent and trustworthy sexual partner I just felt frustrated and dissatisfied in that area.

I seem to not care as much and recognize arousal to certain stimuli occasionally from porn but more so from actual people.

So now instead of just needing someone to screw around with I crave some form of intimacy in the sense that the person seems to genuinely care rather than just being surface level (regardless of the label slapped on the relationship).

I also just don't care as much about sex as I used to because I've been consistent with going to the gym and I'm focusing in on nutrition and myself. I do have some potential sexual partners lined up but am not hyper-focused on sexual or romantic endeavors at all. If I find that focus shifting, I let it go for as long as it will need to and then forget it and go back to focusing on gym stuff and saving up for personal interests and hobbies.

I guess what I'm saying is there's nothing wrong with my genitals or me; I just need to switch up how I masturbate and I'm focusing on other aspects of my life aside from sex, (potential) sexual partners and romance as a whole. It honestly feels liberating and I like that I am more realistically managing my feelings and crushes. Hopefully I'll continue to develop in the meantime.

I'm also looking into a new packer! So overall, nothing new in this department except trying to be more mindful of how my body works.

Hope y'all had a good holiday and look forward to a response!

[Amanda F]

Hi BuddyBoi21 - sorry for the delay! Just wanted to let you know that we've seen your messages and someone will respond soon.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Amanda,

Thanks for letting me know!
I actually have a "great" breakthrough in my sexual exploration.

I got my new toy and finally got lubricant to try it out! I made sure to actually look at my genitals first to make sure the fit was correct. Once I got it in I thought it was too much but it turns out I was accidentally squeezing the head of my bits from the outside of the toy.

So once I readjusted it felt REALLY good. I noticed it seemed like it would take me longer to reach and orgasm (not the purpose I know but it still would've felt good too) so I stopped and looked at everything downstairs.

I was erect and I guess I consider this a "success" because I'm happy I'm learning more about my body and what I like sexually so the next step is definately looking into a new packer!

I hope this helps with this topic!

[Sam W]

Hi Buddyboi,

Just wanted to chime in to say it's awesome that you're continuing to learn more about your body, and that you've found something that feels really good to you!

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey y'all,

So looking at my new method of masturbation, I can mostly tell when I'm erect, I can tell when I'm responding to pleasure but I can't tell when I orgasm. There's also a possibility that I may not be orgasming. I guess these things are fine but I do miss that intense feeling of "getting off".

It felt extremely good and was part of why I truly started to enjoy sex. If this is something that's only achievable for my body with a partner, I'm going to feel a bit frustrated because I struggle so much in romantic contexts. I know I can push myself out there but the matter of everything being dumb luck shifts me back into the mindset of "why bother?".

I'm hoping to once again shift my focus away from dating and anything pertaining to sex outside of some masturbation to hobbies and other interests. Primarily it's been the gym, music theory and extracurricular activities.

I guess I feel this sort of relapse because I feel overwhelmed by having crushes and sexual desires toward specific people. Like I'm holding my breath and waiting for everything to "run it's course". The person(s) of interest will eventually get a partner or just label me as a close friend or something else. I just don't "see" a possibility of ending up in a long term relationship anytime soon. Maybe not on account that I'm bad or unattractive but because that timing and luck aren't on my side at all.

I know it sounds like a lot and it'll be definitely something to bring up in therapy but this is why I may be feeling a bit high strung without entirely noticing.

What do y'all think?

[Heather]

It's entirely possible that I am just not super-sharp this morning (sorry!), but I'm having a little bit of a hard time sorting out what you're wanting us to weigh in on from this last post. Can you narrow it down a bit for me? Thanks!

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Heather,

I guess to summarize my post I've been thinking heavily about 2 things recently.
1. Why don't I orgasm from this new method or orgasm as intensely? (I'm sure I can guess why, like bodies being different or something along those lines).
It's not coming from a point of judgement of my body but more so a point of frustration, if that makes more sense?

2. I have a lot of anxiety circulating around my crushes and am just waiting for it to go away regardless of what happens. I feel a bit obsessive more than usual lately and it's kind of frustrating too. With the mindset that no matter how hard I or someone else tries in hopes of getting to be in a romantic relationship it won't simply happen because of time and luck. I just feel like I'm relapsing or am still working through this weighing anxiety over my romantic feelings, sexual attraction etc.
I don't really know what to do with this aside from "let it pass", ignore it or just hold my breath and wait until my next therapy appointment.

Overall I just feel embarrassed and annoyed that I would like to be romantically and also sexually involved with someone (to the point where it feels distracting and frustrating).