I think I was being watched

[M-Wiser]

On Saturday night I was with a guy, his parents were gone and we got in his bedroom and had sex. Maybe 10 minutes later and I had this gut feeling that a camera was watching us. Lights were on in the room, his movements with me always had me facing away from the headboard, and when I was on top I was again facing towards the room itself. It felt like he was manipulating my actions, it felt off and weird and not right. 5 minutes later and we were done and he did his best on leaving the room quickly acting like his parents could be home any moment. Room had items all over the place, I did a quick scan but anything can be a camera.
I really believe that he recorded me. It's a gut feeling. I am 15, he is 17, but nothing would stop him from posting me online and nobody would know I was underage. I am seriously freaked out right now. I could call the cops and report my gut feeling but I think I would do more harm towards myself, and I know my parents would be told.
Or maybe he didn't record me at all????
If anything I learned something BIG from this! All of us girls could be recorded without our knowledge, and how easy it would be. It's freakin scary! My big sister is in college right now, she has told me about a few guys she has been with, but what keeps any of those guys from recording her without her knowledge?
Any advice on this please post it.

[Heather]

M-Wiser, I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this.

I think that whether you were filmed or not, it's important to pay attention to the feelings you were having. You clearly didn't feel safe, you clearly didn't trust your sexual partner, and you clearly felt like he was acting shady.

I think that when you're asking about how to protect yourself, one of the biggies is to trust your instincts and not second-guess them. So, I'd say that anyone feeling like you did -- like you didn't trust someone or feel safe with them, like something was just off -- should listen to those feelings and, ideally, stop what they are doing (or never get sexual with someone, if they are having those feelings before they start with anything sexual) and get out of that situation. If there's ever a next time, that's what I'd suggest you do. <3 . Your instincts are valuable and trustworthy and always good to listen to.

Another is to take time to build trust with people over time before becoming their sexual partner. I don't know the whole situation here, but if this was casual sex or a sex on the first date situation, while it's certainly okay to have casual sex and sex as soon into knowing someone as you both want, there are some ways those ways of getting sexual can be more risky for us. One of the biggies is that that doesn't give us a lot of time, experience or information to find out if someone is actually safe or not, and if they're someone we can trust with things like our privacy, etc.

In terms of what to do about this, what would you like to do? It sounds like calling the police isn't what you want to do, and if it helps to hear this, I'm not sure how they could help you here, anyway. Unless you were reporting a sexual assault, or something you absolutely know happened (like the sex itself) was criminal in some way (like your partner and you being outside age of consent laws, which I believe you were *just* within, but we can talk about that more if you want), it seems unlikely they'd even investigate. They wouldn't and probably couldn't take a report about filming without you having anything concrete to give them to suggest that is what happened.

Obviously, neither you nor I can know what actually did or didn't happen here. I do think one option is to ask this person if they were filming you, if you feel open to that. Sure, they might not be honest if they were, but I bet their reaction to the question, all by itself, would probably tell you a lot. Another thing to do is ask around with anyone else you know he's slept with, or ask friends who also know him if anyone has ever heard anything sketchy about him.

I do think it is entirely possible he was NOT filming you, since it's clearly got you really scared. I can see there being lots of reasons for the situation as you described: a lot of people like to have sex with the lights on, a lot of cishet dudes give waaaaaaay too much direction about what their partners should be doing or have sex like it's a performance, a lot of people only like to have sex in very specific ways, etc. I do think that your gut can be trusted that this isn't a safe partner or situation for you, because you clearly did NOT feel safe. I wouldn't sleep with this guy again, just given those feelings alone. But I do think it's at least just as possible -- if not more -- that you don't have to worry about being filmed here as that you do.

[M-Wiser]

His charm and cuteness got the best of me and my stupidity allowed it. I didn't stop or cause a scene because he was my ride home. I have known him for a couple weeks, he is a student at a private school out here, and we texted and talked and hooked up. No sexual assault or anything criminal happened, it was all consensual, but 10 minutes in and I had a full blown belief that something was not right.
He as my 4th sexual partner, but without question the worst. He is a player, his charm allows it, his low-ride car allows it, and I am willing to bet that he has been with a dozen girls in that bed of his. Hindsight screams that he is a player, and he has this regular routine of how he wants it. Never ever did I expect it, but maybe some girls like it and deal with it, but I am not that.
I seriously hope that you are right that he did NOT film anything. I truly felt like somebody was watching, and I have never had that feeling before. It freaked me out! But I am done with him, and I'm not asking him anything about it, I am better off not knowing.
And before anybody comments on me having 4 partners let me just say that my mom has cancer and I was trying to find an outlet on feeling better. My first 3 partners are still good friends, but this 4th took control from me when I preferred keeping it. And maybe the only problem is him having complete control and me not having a say, but my gut still says he had a camera in that room.

[al]

Hi there M-Wiser,

I just wanted to pop in here and say that there's absolutely nothing wrong with having had 4 partners! Here at Scarleteen we really believe that there's nothing wrong with having lots of sex, or no sex at all, and everything in between, as long as you're doing it willingly and making decisions that you feel good about in the long run. We're all about banishing sexual shame (especially when it's a double standard- guys who have lots of partners are "players", while women and other folks who do it are considered "slutty").

Also, I just wanted to second what Heather said - feeling unsafe/feeling watched is such a horrible feeling. I'm really sorry you experienced it.

One other thing - whether he was filming or not, the way that your sexual interaction went down made you feel uncomfortable and like you were being controlled, and that's not okay. You deserve to feel like an equal partner in sexual experiences, and not ever like you're being manipulated or taken advantage of. In hearing you talk about your "stupidity", it sounds like you're blaming yourself a bit for not having recognized what was happening or speaking up. I want to encourage you to be kind to yourself about it - plenty of people have trouble communicating about their needs and wants even when they do feel comfortable and safe with a sexual partner. Have you ever read through Driver's Ed of the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent or Be A Blabbermouth: The Why's, What's, and How's of Talking About Sex With A Partner? If not, you might find some of the info helpful to reflect on what was good or not-so-good about your past experiences, as well as some language for how you might navigate things like this in the future.