Scarleteen

I’m 19 years old and I’ve recently came out as gay and I’m physically and emotionally attracted to women but even when I was in the closet with guys I didn’t really get an orgasm but with women I feel what I think is the build up but I’ve never Gotten there. I’ve tried practicing by myself and when I’m thinking about it I feel a tingling but then it’s just gone I tried masturbation but it’s but awkward and uncomfortable and and I’m scared my first legit girlfriend is going to think I’m not attracted to her bc I prefer just to pleasure her. What’s wrong with me?

Hi Isa,

I want to start by saying that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. In fact, if you look around the message boards, you'll see you're far from the first person to struggle with something like this.

Can you give me a sense of how turned on and relaxed you are when you try masturbating? Too, when you say you've tried practicing on your own, is that the same thing as masturbating, or are you referring to trying something else?

With those fears about your future relationships, that's the kind of situation where communicating can be key. If you're still not orgasming often, you can talk with her about that and explain that it's just a way your body is. Any respectful partner will be understanding and not take it personally. There's also a big range of options between "orgasm" and "only focus on partner's pleasure." Even if it doesn't lead to orgasm, there are lots of ways sex can be pleasurable for everyone involved.

Can I also ask if the girlfriend you're talking about is actually someone you know and are involved with, and so also know you only want to engage in sex that's mostly about her body/pleasure (that's a complex framing even, since it's not like we can't experience pleasure when focusing on making a partner feel good, but we can get back to that later)? Or are you talking about an abstract girlfriend you haven't met or gotten involved with yet?