Scarleteen

So I have a problem. I'm 19 years old and I've never masturbated. However, it is not for lack of trying. I've looked at every advice article imaginable. I've looked at diagrams so that I know exactly where everything is. I've looked in a mirror so I know where everything is on me specifically. I've tried touching things by looking up instructions. I've tried thinking about something that turns me on and then trying to touch and just see what feel good. I've tried direct stimulation of the clit (too sensitive). I've tried indirect stimulation (doesn't feel good, or like anything really). I've tried playing around and "exploring myself." I've tried using a pillow. Now, I can't emphasize this enough:

Nothing. Has. Worked.

Nothing feels good, or even remotely sexy. I know that I'm not asexual. I have plenty of sexual fantasies, and there are lots of things/people/scenarios that turn me on. But I've never had sex, and the farthest I've gone with someone is just making out. I've never had an orgasm either.

The problem is that since I am 19 years old and a healthy functioning person, it's making me extremely sexually frustrated. My hormones are going insane--I have all this pent up sexual energy and no way to release it since I can't masturbate. (And no, I don't have anyone that I can try things with.) I'm so confused and jealous of the people that just masturbate no problem. I don't get it.

Does anyone else have this problem? What do I do? I'm so frustrated. This sucks.

Hi Kezzie,

That sounds like it's been really frustrating for you. If it helps at all, even just a quick tour around the boards will show you that you're far from the first person to struggle with this kind of situation.

There are a few different things you could try, depending on what option sounds best to you. The first is to take a break from trying to masturbate, period. That might sound counterintuitive, but something that happens when someone really wants to orgasm or masturbate and just can't get it to happen is they get frustrated and put pressure on themselves (sometimes without noticing it). Bot those emotions are arousal killers. So taking a break from trying may help you reset from that situation.

Another thing to try, since it sounds like you maybe haven't done so, is to experiment with sex toys. They can introduce novel or unique sensations that some people find really pleasurable. Is that something you're interested in exploring?

Hi, Kezzie!

I completely second everything Sam W has said. I just wanted to quickly pop by. I know you've read a lot and might be tired of reading and might have even already come across the book I'm about to mention, but some folk I trust have recommended Sex for One as a great resources for destigmatizing and breaking down shame around masturbation and learning to celebrate your body. I think at this point, it's possible you've gotten in your own head and your feelings are putting too much pressure on you, so such a book might be a different way to look at your body and your feelings? As well as taking a break and perhaps finding other ways to connect to your body right now. Like, maybe you could do some stretching and/or pilates every day to explore how your body feels and how far you can move it? You could also try hiking, swimming, climbing, dancing, kickboxing, etc. - just something new that can also make you feel good about your body in a different way.

Hi guys!

Thanks for your thoughtful replies.

@Sam W Haha yeah I'm glad I'm not alone! I don't try to masturbate that often, I've just tried a lot of different things over several years, so I'm not sure taking a break will help. I know I probably do need to get out of my head a bit though, I'll try not to overthink things.

I haven't tried sex toys, but I would be interested in trying some. However at the moment I'm not sure I could buy any online without my parents noticing (I'm home for a gap year atm), and unfortunately I'm not sure I feel comfortable going in person.

@horriblegoose Thanks for the recommendation, I'll check it out! I'm generally pretty comfortable with my body and my outlook on masturbation is basically just that it's a healthy, normal thing for girls to do. It is possible that I've internalized some stigma though, so maybe trying to change the types of associations I have with it could help. And exercise of some sort sounds like a good idea. Perhaps I'll start swimming regularly.

Hi Kezzie,

Getting out of your head could help quite a bit. Something that can also help is to do things prior to masturbating that get you into a sort of relaxed and pleasured space emotionally and mentally. Baths are a common one, but it can be anything that helps you connect to your body in a way that's pleasurable.

If you're curious about sex toys, there are actually ways to experiment with them that don't require buying something from a sex shop. If you check out this article, you might find some options that work for you and your current living situation: D.I.Y. Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition