Scared that I’ve been living a lie

[CommonMan]

Cis gender Male here. I’m worried that I might have been gay but not realised it. I’ve been with a fair amount of women but almost always had a problem getting/keeping an erection which has been very unfulfilling. I always enjoyed being ‘kinky’ when masturbating and trying new things and that got me to watching gay porn, using toys on myself and now I’ve started fantasising about one of my close friends..a lot. I don’t watch straight porn at all because it doesn’t arouse me any more. The weird thing is I don’t really look at guys when I’m walking around, I tend to notice women more. Did I turn myself gay? I didn’t think this was possible. Any info or direction would help at this point.

[Jacob]

Hi Common!

Given all the efforts various people (under threat of countless dangers) have put into trying to redirect their sexual orientation, I'd say it's pretty much impossible to turn oneself gay!

It's best, I think, to imagine that your orientatoin isn't just one thing... that it isn't just one position on a straight-to-gay line.

Instead for most people it's closer to what you describe. The people we are attracted to in passing might not always be the same people we click with for further intimacy, they might not bear a huge resemblance to the folks we witness in porn, or imagine in our fantasies.

All of these are different aspects of your sexuality, and as time goes on you'll likely notice that there are plenty of other elements too that feel increasingly or decreasingly important to you and your identity.

Hope this helps!