Incompatibility, but a sexual one

[Usernamehere]

Hey,

so I’m a 18 yr old trans guy (pre-T) talking to another similarly aged guy (not entirely relevant but yeah) and though we haven’t had what is traditionally considered sex, we have done sexual things. In fact we have done so almost every single time we have seen each other. It’s starting to feel obligatory to me and I feel icky about it. I do like him, when we do non sexual things I enjoy it, and I think he can be the cutest person ever sometimes. I am sexually attracted to him too because I do find him physically attractive, but along with this sense of obligation that’s making me feel icky is a sense of dissatisfaction in a way. Also I’m not trying to bash him or his preferences at all! He is not a bad guy, I’m just prefacing this because it might sound like I’m trying to bash him, but I’m not I swear, he’s so nice we just have different preferences which I’ll get to.

But let’s go back to talking about the feeling of obligation first, I can’t 100% put my finger on it but my best theories are as is: first of all as I mentioned we end up doing sexual stuff every single time we see each other, but to me it never feels like that’s just the mood. What I mean is he’s a horny person and I would say I can be too a bit but I can fluctuate and we can never be around each other for more than an hour before he starts complaining about how horny he is, which he is mostly doing in a jokey way, but what I’m saying is I never really get to ease into it because I go and hangout with him with the thought in my head that I’m gonna have to do sexual things even if it’s not what I’m into at the moment because it’s a status quo. He never forces me into anything btw but as a people pleaser I feel the pressure. I feel bad about randomly telling him I wanna stop doing these things too because then he’ll just start to feel like I’m avoiding him. Again, I’m still attracted to him, I guess I’d just say I’m not as attracted to the things we end up doing. My last point for the obligatory feeling would be that whenever we see each other we either 1. Cuddle/sleep or 2.do sexual stuff, yes we have done other things beside that but usually that is most of/all that happens when we see each other for 4-6+ hours, 1-3 times a week but the past couple weeks it has just been once a week so the longer I go without seeing him the more the sexual stuff comes up. Anyways, the point of this, is if all we’re doing is sleeping or being sexual then there is no real opportunity to talk/get to know each other and I want more of that because I need to just be silly and cute sometimes and it’s nice to have a balance, plus without it I start to feel upset and get feelings akin to being used even though I know consciously I’m not being used, the lack of balance just messes with my head/ makes me feel shitty. Obviously in the cuddling portion we can talk before we fall asleep and I do try, I’ll start tickling him, ask to paint his nails/ask him to do mine, or do his eyeliner/ask him to do mine but usually he’ll seem as interested in my ploys which I get can seem annoying if you think abt it, like you’re just trying to chill and you have this little gremlin next to you that can’t just sit and lay with you for five seconds. Also I love kissing but we never really just do that or focus on it. It’s never a highlight as much as a side scene within the context of things turning sexual.

Another reason is tied into my feelings of dissatisfaction. I would personally call myself a switch and he is strictly a submissive bottom, now at first glance these wouldn’t cancel each other out so I was willing to try at first but I’m starting to learn that being a switch means that I am neither a top, a bottom, submissive, or dominant (though of course people have preferences) and that I enjoy the act of switching itself and I enjoy the feeling of doing whatever is consensual and available to get pleasure. I just am not satisfied currently with the idea of always being on top and being dominant nor am I comfortable with it but he has made it clear (I haven’t straight up brought up my concerns but I have asked some questions when the topic comes up) that he is non flexibly a submissive bottom. This dynamic carries to the point where’s he’s only interested in being the little spoon when we cuddle too, and sometimes I wanna be the little spoon. The part about being uncomfortable with domming I’d say doesn’t just come from being a switch, but is because I’m not used to domming 100% of the time and making sure I’m in the mindset that what I’m doing has to be dominant 100% of the time. I’m a thinker when it comes to doing sexual stuff, my brain does not turn off sadly, so I’m already thinking throughout the whole process and it makes it worse when I have to think about how what I’m doing has to be dominant. Also since I’m not used to being dom 100% of the time, though I’d say I’m into the non-vanilla, I’d also say that our subconscious can work beneath our conscious’ and in my brain makeup, the novelty of having to be aggressive with a person is definitely difficult for me.

Moving on a little bit, though this term is meant for lesbians, he has said that he would identify with being a pillow princess but the problem here is that a matching competent to that would be a stone top, except I am no stone top. I am very into the idea of both giving and receiving and he has said that he’d be unwilling to be a giver, though he said he might be able to be convinced depending circumstances, but I don’t know if I wanna try because he doesn’t seem that into it first off and second off the way he talks about genitals are as if he’s disgusted by them and as a very body conscious person I wouldn’t want to receive from anyone who isn’t into it. He didn’t say anything about genitals in a bad way btw he was moreso just sharing how he feels abt things from his point of view but it still rubbed me the wrong way. Context for my next point: he is tall and I’m short and we’re talking about a 7 inch difference here, so as an afab person trying to top a cis guy it’s kinda difficult to figure out what to do so I usually just ride him. Ofc as a trans guy who looks pretty fem whatever I do is gonna be hard to fit into that dominant top category, but technically I am on top so it’s what we usually do. Problem is it exerts so much energy and it never gets either of us stimulated enough for anyone to complete so there is no real goal post either, so I just find it inherently annoying. I’ll get on top of him and I’ll feel him under me for like 5 seconds before I don’t feel him anymore and since vaginas are mostly internal it mostly just feels like rubbing my vulva on cloth. Also I’m black so he has given up on hickeys because they don’t show up (which is very sad bc I’m very into hickeys) and I’m not really getting touched by him a lot. He also likes being talked to through the whole process in a dominant way the whole time, a few words here and there sure, but again I’m a thinker so it inhibits more than it contributes to my psyche, I feel so I’m not really as big into that. Also again I like kissing so my preference would be to focus on that rather than talking through it. I say this so you can envision the whole process which is usually that I can’t feel stimulated and I’m so focused on doing “dominant” and “top” things, which are things that I can be into doing sometimes but not 100% of the time and even so I can’t rlly be 100% into because I’m overthinking about whether it’s dominant enough that I just can’t have fun.

I’m making this post because I’m wondering if anyone thinks it’s possible to have a relationship with someone who there are incompatibilities with sexually? Since he has a sexual role he will not deviate from and I have a different one that I want to be fulfilled. I don’t want to be vein about this and maybe there are some suggestions people have that might work. I feel silly about possibly telling him I might not want to be in a relationship just because he’s a bottom and I’m not a top, or sex related reasons but also maybe it’s important. Obviously communication is important, but I’d appreciate specific topics to bring up or opening lines. We’re not in a relationship yet but we’ve both expressed that we’re looking for one and we’re not talking to anyone else, not because it’s something we’ve talked about but we’re just not, and we’ve been talking for months at this point so I’m scared he’ll ask me out or want me to ask him out officially while I don’t have this resolved. Yes most of these problems are not super big and can be talked out without it necessarily being a sexual incompatibility, I just mentioned them because they’re sex related. The main problem is the sub+bottom and switch pairing because me personally, I don’t think I’m interested in being with someone who is only a bottom and sub and will only ever be that not necessarily because he’s a bottom and sub, but because it means he wants me to be a dom top all of the time which does not sexually satisfy or excite me at the current moment. I haven’t had sexual experiences with a lot of people so I don’t know all of my preferences nor do I have a lot of references, but I can definitely feel that I’m not into the strictly submissive bottom thing esp if I enjoy the bottom or submissive experience a bit more myself (which I’m not saying for a fact I do but that I might).

[Willa]

Hi Usernamehere,

Sexual incompatibility can be a very difficult hurtle in relationships of any kind, and I want to say that there is nothing wrong with wanting to make sure both parties are having pleasurable and positive experiences. To start I would say clear communication and advocating for one's self are key components in any healthy relationship. I can be nerve-wracking, especially when you anticipate it may be a source of conflict but you owe it to yourself and your partner to make sure you are setting boundaries that keeps everyone safe. You could start by reaffirming your attraction to this person, but stating that the expectation of sex for every time you see one another is not something that makes you comfortable. Another point could be the need for comfort and communication before, during, and after sexual activity- especially if now you are feeling things such as "upset" or "used".

It is also incredibly important that we feel supported and respected by our sexual partners, whether that be in conversations about our bodies or in honoring of preferences. Here it seems that one large incompatibility is his desire to receive but not give. This is a dynamic that works for some, but does not seem as though is preferable to you and that is ok! Especially if on top of that there is an expectation for you to act in a way that does not feel authentic or pleasurable to you, whether that is being the giver of pleasure or being dominant 100% of the time. That is the point in which it is appropriate to take stock on whether this is a sexual dynamic that is bringing you pleasure or satisfaction. It does not seem as though he is interested in really working with you to make sure you are experiencing pleasure as well as him, and that is a very strong reason to consider whether the relationship is worth engaging in.

These concerns are not silly at all, and you are right in wondering and beginning to think about if this is the right person to start a relationship with. One source that may be helpful for you to begin to think about conversations is https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... t_sex_with. This source touches on discussing sex in a relationship even when it feels awkward or "silly" to do so. Does this all make sense?