Intimate First Interactions: The Idea of just "Knowing"

[BuddyBoi21]

Alright, I've had a whole amazing and emotional train wreck of a weekend.

I met someone and while we hooked up in a way that wouldn't seem like much to others (making out and dry humping one another) there was something about this experience and this person that was different.

In between, making out we would just talk and cuddle. When they wanted me they WANTED me, and it not only came from words but they also showed it. They pulled me in, they would be so obvious with "signals" that even I (a dense autistic who personally struggles with nonverbal signals) would catch. They actually cared and asked about my wants in the event.

They were interesting, we had similar fields of study. Overall I'm simply baffled.

I ask about "knowing" because regardless of if you thnk there's the "one" or many "ones" the vast majority has this concept of "knowing". Like the person you want to be with, your possible partner, someone you might end up dating. We're always told we just "know" and to an extent that's what I think I have here.

What happened before, during and after this interaction (not all details are included) started to edge away from a hookuo and more toward romantic/more intimate interest. The things we did, the way we held each other, the way they spoke to me.

Whatever social rules I have picked up on these actions weren't the same as any standard hookup I've had in the past. They remind me of what I've experienced or have wanted to experience in my past relationships.

I guess the big difference now is, I'm not a little kid or a teenager anymore. I'm not hiding from homophobic and/or racist parents, I'm not limited by my lack of confidence and I know now I'm not a bad person for wanting a loving relationship AND sex.

I know this is all over the place but the basics is, this feels different than anything else and I'm incredibly drawn to this person because of this. Does anyone understand or has had a similar experience?

[Siân]

Hey Buddyboi,

Wow, this sounds super exciting!

I think I can relate. I've had a good time dating lot's of lovely people who were not quite the right fit for me, and then every now and again I am surprised by an "oh wow, I'd forgotten I could be this attracted to someone/feel this strongly about someone/that it could all be so EASY" kind of person and it kinda hits a reset button and my expectations are radically shifted.

Whatever happens next, it's wonderful to have those moments and know that they exist. It also sounds like you've come a long way in other parts of your life to be where you are now.

What are you hoping for from this?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Siân,

I'm hoping something comes of this interaction, that it leads to something more.
I recognize that this is not something that is guaranteed to happen even if "the stars align". But I would hope that I get to see this person again someday and be able to date them and eventually end up in a long term relationship.

I described this situation to one of my friends as being in a cliche fanfiction except we're adults and he joked that it's called a romcom. Honestly if the start to my "love story" was I saw this person in a workshop at a conference I attended with my campus out of state and nearly dropped my stuff to tell them I think they're attractive and end up in their hotel room the next day then I wouldn't have it any other way.

It, this way of thinking and desire, ties back to my original outlook on romance. Hopeless, almost ridiculously romantic. I say this because it feels and seems unrealistic to "click" with someone and everything manage to fall into place. It feels unrealistic to even hope everything falls into place with this specific person.

Regardless of my hopes, I know I'll be able to cope with whatever negative emotions I have in response to whatever this is not working out. I just know that whatever happened to me, between myself and that person in that hotel room, I want THAT.

That care, the intimacy, the desire, the sweet smiles, hugs and kisses, the same love language, similar passions. I'm simply enamoured and hope I get more of that, either from this person or from someone else like them.

[Mo]

What you're describing with this person sounds like a lot of what I'm thinking about when I describe having good "chemistry" with someone; it's a pretty vague term that probably has slightly different meanings based on who you ask, but I'd describe "good chemistry" as some mix of strong and clear attraction, compatible ways of noticing and expressing interest, and similar or overlapping desires when it comes to physical intimacy. It can be pretty intense and exciting to experience!
I think what's good to keep in mind, and I think this circles back to your thoughts about something clicking into place so easily being unrealistic, is that even in relationships where there's a lot of chemistry and a lot of it might feel "easy" to navigate, being able to communicate well about expectations, desires, and boundaries is still going to be very important. I think sometimes in a situation where two people seem to be on the same page about so many things, it can be easy to assume that you'll feel that way about everything and not discuss something you would be more inclined to bring up to someone you didn't have that strong initial spark with.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Mo,

You make a lot of great points! I do keep in mind that in any relationship you need to properly and openly communicate with the partners involved.

When I say it feels different or unrealistic it feels like so much more than "good chemistry" to me. For me good chemistry feels more surface level. Maybe it's a nice fling where we understand when and how to move forward. Or we just feel very sexually attracted to one another and follow each other seamlessly in the hookup.

With this I felt so much more like we weren't just messing around. With how they spoke to me and touched me it felt so much more like an intimate relationship than a hookup. I don't want to assume and didn't plan to which is why I added and emphasize hoping.

I really want whatever is going on with this person to "go well". For me this means being able to date them and hopefully this dating leading to a deeper, more intimate relationship.

But again I don't expect anything and if it doesn't happen I'll be fine. I'd like to see this work out despite the circumstances. They're currently studying abroad for 4 months, their college is several states away from mine AND their home state is far away from my own state.

So it's why it's jokingly described as a romcom by my friend. These odds of meeting an attractive stranger during a conference, almost having sex with them only to become more romantically interested in one another and eventually end up in a relationship together?

That's what sounds so unrealistic. That entire description. This whole "running into the one" in a comedic and completely by chance instance in which I was actually brave enough to approach them instead of running in the opposite direction.

And yet, I feel like this is different. Like maybe this person is THAT person (again I know this varies and that there can be multiple "people" but regardless of if it's one or many it instinctively feels like they're one of them!)

Does that make more sense?

Thanks for responding!

[Siân]

Hoping is a nice place to be!

You're right to keep this in perspective; not everything that is super promising ends up being all we think it could be and it sounds like it could logistically be a challenge to form or maintain a relationship, depending on how you both feel about long distance.

That said - go ahead and enjoy this feeling! It sounds like you have some ideas about what you're looking for following meeting this person. Have you spoken to them about what they're hoping for now?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Siân!

So considering my past with my long distance relationship and how that turned out, I would very strongly prefer a physical relationship. Unless I was with my partner for a long time prior to the distance or just a super special circumstance, I personally don't see myself having a romantic long distance relationship.

They are also in an already established open relationship. Their current partner is someone they've been with for two years but they weren't mentioned at all until I asked about them. I also still have no exact idea on my stance on polyamory. I feel like in theory it's still something that could be true for me but I have absolutely no application (no partners). I've had no issue hooking up with or very casually involving myself in established romantic relationships but I have no idea how I would feel about being in an established relationship and opening it up.

I think I may be more hesitant on exploring the concept of polyamory seriously now because:
1. I wasn't pursuing what I ACTUALLY wanted in a romantic relationship and found myself settling or just not caring about the person I was dating (focusing more on short term/hookups/giving up than a long term relationship).
2. My sex drive may have been higher or simply more active since I wasn't using porn and was just starting my new dosage of T.

That being said the bare minimum is that I asked about keeping in contact and getting to know them more. I didn't say whether or not it was romantic and don't expect it to be. I just genuinely want to talk to them and establish some form of contact and move from there.

They said after 4 months and if I was still interested that we could see. I let them know I that I don't think I'd lose interest in that (or them). I wouldn't count on this going anywhere but it would be both ridiculous and amazing if I ended up with this person for a long time, even for the rest of our time on Earth.


(Again this is a theory and extremely vague hope, not an expectation.)

[Amanda F]

Hi BuddyBoi21,

Just want to pop in and applaud you, because it sounds like you've really reflected on what it is you want, and are proceeding with bravery, openness, and kindness toward yourself as you navigate this exciting (and maybe frustrating) new situation.

How are you feeling about the four months timeline? What do you think you might do during those months, in terms of yourself and this other person?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Amanda,

Thank you for the encouragement!

I don't feel bummed at all about the four months timeline and as a matter of fact I'm hoping to use the timeline to continue to build on myself and my passions.

I'm in school full time again, I'm starting a new job soon that'll hold me down until my rigorous job in the summer, I'm taking music lessons now (singing on Mondays and music theory/guitar on Wednesdays), still involved in a campus organization and I'm still trying to organize my life and keep up with self care (the gym, hair care, morning/night routines). So I'll definitely be busy for the next four months.

In relation to this person, I recognize that I may (and did briefly yesterday) relapse into the fear of them not liking me as much. Especially in discussion about spirituality with a very close and trusted person in my life, when they listened to the situation I was describing they felt pursuing this person at all would be a bad idea and that I may get hurt.

Once I heard that I just felt extremely frustrated in response. I started to feel like that these intense feelings were 100% one-sided. I expected and was ready to get hurt, that I wanted to enjoy whatever feelings I had while I could and be ready to cope with the impending heartbreak when it came.

I saw this situation at this span of time as a dead end or a destined pain filled experience that would bring me closer to whoever "that person"/"my person" is. It was so emotionally distressing that my first instinct was to shut myself off again emotionally and ONLY look for sex or just avoid having a partner of any kind altogether.

I was talking about personal goals I could hyper focus on (rather than drowning myself in school or work) as a way to channel this energy and distract myself from my desires for a romantic or sexual partner.

Now due to he fact that I am more interested sex thanks to self exploration and more enjoyment out of masturbating again. I find myself more realistically reframing my thinking about this situation and trying to also encourage myself to date other people. I'm currently in the mindset that this person, while the time and experience was enjoyable, is unattainable.

The way I can best cope currently is think of them as a fantasy, that they weren't real and that whatever happened was just another event in which I can keep into account how I want my other interactions to be if that's possible.

I don't intend to sound pessimistic, I want to be realistic about the situation at hand and if a person I trust greatly feels like it's a bad idea then I'm probably better off. Especially since this person lives very very far away from me, already has a primary partner and I am uncertain about being polyamorus or not, it's probably for the best I don't think about them unless they contact me first.

I hope this makes sense!

[Mo]

It sounds like you went through a pretty intense emotional process yesterday! Regardless of what happens with this person in the future, I think your plan to focus on personal goals and to stay busy with a bunch of personal projects as well as your school and work responsibilities is a good one. It sounds like you have a lot of positive things to focus on right now, and that's great.

[BuddyBoi21]

So after going back and forth on my reaction to my romantic feelings, I've realized something.

I like or feel drawn to this person because this is the first time(? Maybe the second time/first time in a long time) that I interacted intimately with someone where there were no strict gender roles involved.

Like the concepts of masculine/feminine, top/bottom were both skewed and thrown away all at once; we were two "switches" who fully embraced one another regardless of our gender expressions. I submitted to them without feeling as though my masculine aspects would be called into question or invalidated.

I felt they recognized that I didn't feel this need to have a "tough guise" with them and was happy to allow them to take the dominant role despite "presenting feminine".

I'm not sure if I'll ever see them again, the best way I can cope with that is fantasies and knowing this won't be the last time I have an experience like that, even if it's not anytime soon.

I don't have this feeling of missing them anymore and now allow myself to think of them when I feel distressed or upset.

I also find myself getting turned on at the thought of them which I was a bit surprised about but not full on shocked over.

They're someone that I don't mind thinking if anymore and after recent discussions with my therapist, I have to more consistently remind myself that it's both natural and okay to like someone or want to get to know them when it's highly unlikely you'll get the chance to do something about either of those things.

Thank you all so much for your help and support!

[Sam W]

You're welcome! It sounds like you've been making some solid progress in talking about this with your therapist, which is rad! And it's awesome that you've identified that part of what was important to you about all this was not feeling locked into strict gender roles during the encounter.