Lacklustre orgasms?

[roxfoxreal]

I know the title seems contradictory but I can’t think of a better way to phrase it. I am horny and want that release so I’ll masturbate but even when I orgasm it’s almost as if it’s a letdown? I used to feel amazing after having an orgasm and now I feel like it’s just not doing it for me. It’s almost as if I didn’t climax because it’s disappointing, but I have the telltale signs like the muscles clenching. It will only last a few seconds whereas before it could go on for longer and feel more intense. I want to feel that pleasure again but I don’t want to sleep with anyone until I feel comfortable and trust them again. I lost my virginity to this guy who made it seem like he wanted to date me and then changed his mind as soon as he got the sex. I won’t lie that’s really messed with my mind about having sexual partners. I want to have mindblowing orgasms again and I’m afraid I need someone else to get there but I’m just not ready to trust people again.

[Heather]

Hey there, roxfoxreal.

It's pretty common for orgasm to be something that changes and shifts a lot as we go through life. We'll have times they tend to feel more intense and times they will feel less so, and we also may need to mix things up now and then in a couple ways: in terms of what we're physically doing, but also (and I'd say even more so) in terms of our headspace.

The good news is, this probably isn't about you needing to have a sexual partner when you don't want one now (or needing to have one, period).

For instance, you talk about being in a headspace where you aren't having your expectations met and where there's a pattern of feeling let down: that headspace is probably part of the issue. If you can put some effort into changing it up -- and I can talk more about that with you if you like to help you sort out how to do that -- it will probably help. Changing up whatever you're doing in your mind to get yourself turned on before you get started, like what you're fantasizing about, can also likely help. Same goes with doing what you can to get the yucky taste out of your mouth about your last sexual relationship.

It may also be that it's time to start experimenting with *doing* new things, physically, as well. One thing we know about human sexuality is that it often thrives on novelty -- on things that are new -- and tends to lose its spark when we get in habits where we are doing and thinking the same things over and over again. To keep things sparky, we just usually have to mix them up now and then.

But I do also want to add that I think it's important to accept that orgasm, or any other part of our sex lives, just isn't always going to be intense and awesome: like everything else in life, sometimes it will be and sometimes it won't. We just can't expect it to be fireworks every time or all the time, and adjusting any expectation it should be or must be is also important, you know?

[roxfoxreal]

Hi Heather! Thank you so much for your kind reply, I would really appreciate if you could help me get out of this negative headspace. I was actually going to make another post because it’s gotten so bad that even interacting with boys will physically make me sick. I tried going on a date with someone and spent the first 20 minutes throwing up in the bathroom. Even being in their presence or them trying to talk to me makes me really nauseous. Do you think this is anxiety or something? I think it’s definitely linked with my headspace about relationships because it only happens when a boy is involved.

[Sam W]

Hi roxfoxreal,

That sounds like a really stressful pattern to have cropping up! We can definitely help you brainstorm some ways to address it. One of them may be that it's time to check in with a healthcare provider about this, to see if they can help you identify an underlying cause. You mention that it seems to be linked to your relationship history, so did it only start happening after that partner broke up with you? Too, is there a certain train of thought that seems to accompany getting sick (e.g you get nervous about a specific thing happening)?

[Heather]

Can I also check in with you about why you're going on dates with people who make you feel this way right now? What are you looking for from dating at the moment? Do you actually *want* to be dating? (And, if you do, is it men you want to be dating?)

[roxfoxreal]

Hi Sam & Heather! Yes it’s only been happening after the breakup. I used to get the regular nerves/butterflies but this is a lot worse. Honestly the thought of doing anything intimate or remotely sexual always triggers this response but sometimes even if someone tries to talk to me I’ll get that sick feeling. I think I may just be scared to let someone in again and giving them the opportunity to do that is what’s causing the sickness?
To answer your question Heather, my friends really encouraged me to go on dating apps to meet new people after the breakup. I’ve had really good talks with some people I’ve met on there but the thought of actually meeting them really turns me off? I know I should probably be alone right now to heal but I had made some really good progress (or so I thought) with moving on from my ex and I guess I thought I was ready.
Ultimately I want a loving relationship but I’m doubtful I’ll find it so young so I’m not sure what I’m actually looking for since I’m trying to be realistic. I have definitely been questioning my sexuality a lot lately but I’m not sure how I should go about this. I know that for LGBTQ+ people it can be very annoying and almost disrespectful when a straight girl crashes into a gay club and tries to make out with girls so I’m wary of that.
I’m scared to try a dating app with preferences towards women because I’m only just figuring out my sexuality, I don’t want to give them the wrong impression that I’m fully out you know? Thank you all for being so nice and supportive as always. I really appreciate it.

[edited with breaks for readability! -al]

[0PT1M15T1C]

I just want to chime in here a little, in your post you mentioned this "I know that for LGBTQ+ people it can be very annoying and almost disrespectful when a straight girl crashes into a gay club and tries to make out with girls so I’m wary of that." and I just want to say, typically, people experimenting with their sexuality are completely welcome in gay bars and clubs. I know my mom has some LGBT friends and has been involved in the community especially since my coming out. My mom is cisgender and heterosexual, but that didn't stop people from inviting her to go have a good time at the club, and she did, with no judgement attached. I would think a gay club would be a good place to meet new people, and experiment a little even. I don't think it would be seen as disrespectful or even annoying to be honest with you. Each and every one of those people had to go through the process of finding their sexuality didn't they? And there are so many different ways to do that! The only time I can imagine people would be offended by your presence is if you were making a scene or are homophobic/transphobic and looking for trouble. Other than that, I know plenty of people that going to clubs was extremely helpful for them in exploring their sexuality. I wonder if maybe going with a friend would make you feel more comfortable? Or bringing up the idea with the people you meet that you are exploring your sexuality or questioning it? I know you mentioned giving them the wrong idea, and bringing up this idea that you are exploring is a good way to keep communication open. It also gives them the opportunity to decide whether that is what they want and maybe give them a better idea of what the best ways are to communicate with you. The communication as always, is a huge part of all of this. They put on similar youth events and parties (not the same as clubs because well, we're kind of minors) and a lot of people go to explore and connect with others. It's just a fun time for sure. Adding onto that even, my city puts on a queer prom and a lot of people bring their straight friends, who are never seen as intruding, just there to support others and have a good time.
I also know you may not be looking for a relationship and might need some time to heal, and that makes COMPLETE sense, there's no need to jump into it (exploring or dating), you have your whole life for that.
I know this wasn't the main point of your post but I don't really feel as though I have enough information to comment on the rest, so I'll stick to what I do know.
Hope this post finds you in a good place, and I wish you the best <3

[0PT1M15T1C]

I’m so sorry because I just realized this was in the ask us and didn’t even clue in, can’t delete my post really, I apologize. It didn’t really come up as being in this section or maybe I just didn’t realize until I looked at my laptop. I really didn’t even know you could post in sections such as this and so just didn’t make the connection, again, sorry.

[Heather]

No worries, 0PT1M15T1C, it happens. Thanks for being aware!

[Heather]

Roxfoxreal,

I'm hearing a couple things in your last response.

For one, it sounds like you have the idea that people in a healthy emotional space date. And that your friends have also given you the idea it's something you should or have ton be doing so long as you're over a past relationship.

But the thing is, I think the only people who should be dating are people who WANT to be dating, and not everyone wants to -- either period, or at any given point in time -- for about a million reasons. This idea that people *have* to be dating, *have* to be seeking out sexual, romantic or other kinds of intimate relationships just isn't right. No one has to, and I very much hope anyone who is is only doing so because they want to, not because their friends or anyone else thinks they should.

I hear you saying what sounds to me like you don't really want to be dating right now. Not guys anyway. I hear you voicing a lot of negative feelings about that right now, I hear you saying you only are because you think you should be "ready." I'd suggest you stop doing anything that you don't feel really good about, and also ask your friends to back off. Dating isn't some kind of healing panacea for all the things (including previous heartbreak), and it also isn't required of any of us.

In the event that you do want to date, but it's just guys you don't want to date, then go with that! It is okay, whatever your orientation, to explore dating with people of any gender you want to. You don't have to go to clubs and start making out with people, and I wouldn't say that's probably the best route for anyone who is seeking out an ongoing intimate relationship instead of a hookup, anyway. You also don't have to use apps dishonestly. Want to talk about some ways you can do this?

[roxfoxreal]

Thank you so much for your kind and reassuring words 0PT1M15T1C! You’re completely right Heather. I honestly don’t think I want to date anyone right now. I have a date scheduled for Saturday but I’ve been dreading it so I am just going to cancel it. I would love to hear more about the ways you suggest when it comes to eventually dating & finding people to explore my sexuality with. I think I want to rest for right now but I would still love to hear all your advice for when I’m ready!

[Heather]

Roxfoxreal: I don't see us going anywhere anytime soon, so how about you just let yourself have that not-dating-now place for as long as you want, and you pop back here if and when you want that advice?