Pro-Life Rally

[dark_sunshine]

I am 15 years old, and ALL my life my mom has brought me to this Pro-Life Rally that my City has had every year. Never have understood it, but now that I am older I understand all about it. I joined my mom at the rally on Sunday, but I did it unwillingly because now I don't agree with it. I wanted to talk with my mom about this, but I didn't. I love my mom, love everything about it, but I know she would choose abortion if I was pregnant. I have grown up over this past year, been with boys, had sex with two of them, used condoms, bought a Plan B packet for emergencies *that I don't plan on ever taking*, and made a CHOICE for ME and my sexual behaviors. If I get pregnant I should have a choice as well. Now why does my mom think Pro-life is a good thing? And how can I talk with her about how I did not like doing this rally? And how do I tell her that I don't want to do this next year or any year after? My mom thinks I am a nice little girl, full of flowers and sunshine, but if she knew that I have had sex I could see her explode! Not that I want that. I want to be honest with her and talk with her and tell her that I am okay with pro-life, but I should be able to choose what I do. Anybody on here agree with me?

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, dark_sunshine.

As a longtime (decades and decades now!) abortion activist and sometimes-worker, I've often wondered and worried about how situations like this go for the children of pro-life/antichoice activists. I can only imagine the level of conflict you must be feeling.

It's interesting you mention that if you had an unwanted pregnancy, you think your mother would want you to choose to terminate your pregnancy: that's actually pretty common, that people who rally against abortion would or do make very different choices in their own lives. Just about anyone who has worked at an abortion clinic will tell you that it's not uncommon to see someone outside protecting the clinic wind up inside of it seeking an abortion at another time, and then going right back to protest it (and likely without telling anyone they themselves were provided abortion care at the same clinic) weeks later.

By all means, as an organization and as a community, we're very strongly pro-choice around here, which for us means that we think everyone should be fully able and supported to make the whole range of choices one can make with a pregnancy: abortion, adoption, staying pregnant, delivering and then parenting, and the diversity in all of those three options.

I can't tell you why your Mom feels the way she feels: that's only something she can tell you. I wonder if your first step with all of this might be to see if you can start that conversation? In other words, maybe before you tell her you don't want to go anymore, that you don't like going, or that you're sexually active, you ask her this question, why she feels the way she does? Is that something you feel able to start with?

[dark_sunshine]

My dad doesn't have to show up because it's a "female thing" and my mom is okay with that, but I have to show up and my 9 year old sister also has to show up. I show up to keep the peace between us and if I don't my mom will be disappointed and her friends from church will be asking why I didn't show up and "march" with them and be pro-life.
If I was pregnant my mom would disapprove of it, her friends would disapprove of it, and I would disapprove of it. My mom could be pro-life but that is 1 day out of the year, and I know if I was pregnant she would say abortion would be the right choice because I have a wonderful life ahead of me.
My mom and I have had many talks about sex, we have a good mother/daughter relationship and I am lucky on having such a wonderful mother. BUT she believes in no sex before marriage and only my husband should have me and my body. I am not saying that is bad, but in true seriousness all her talks only made me more interested in what I was missing.
If I believe with what my mom says I know everything will be okay, but if I tell her pro-life is not for me and that sex before marriage is not for me and that this raly is not for me....
Why she feels the way she does? That is a good question. That is a good way on starting this.

[Heather]

I see and hear you. I really respect the fact that it sounds like you're managing a pretty gargantuan conflict with so much emotional maturity and thoughtfulness. I'm really sorry you're in this position, it sounds like one of those where you can't win no matter what you do, and it sounds very difficult.

I think what can be extra tricky in situations like these is age: I suspect it's possible that at 18, or 16 even, you might feel a little more empowered to speak up about how this isn't what you want because you might have some more agency in your family.

But it does sound like you might feel able to start at least laying some groundwork for this with some initial conversations that might be less risky for you than say, saying you don't want to go or disclosing your sexual life. If you're open to asking her to just start talking about why she believes what she does -- and maybe even seeing if you can move into asking her if she feels like you should have a right to your own beliefs with this, maybe? -- I do think that might be a good place to start.

With tough conversations, sometimes we have to lay a lot of groundwork before we feel ready to have them, or before we think that the conversation we'll have with someone will be productive.

[Gone.Sorry.]

Hi, dark_sunshine; I just want to validate the conflicting feelings you're feeling towards your mom right now. I keep seeing you repeat that she's a wonderful mom and you have an otherwise fantastic relationship, so I'm sensing a little bit of guilt in your posts regarding your views about reproductive choice/health not aligning 100% with hers. Disagreeing with your mom doesn't mean that you don't love her or appreciate her or respect her! It just means you don't agree with her in this instance.

Around your age is a really common age for the relationship between parent(s) and their children to be tested and very tense. You're getting older and have access to more sources of information and perspective and you're starting to really think critically about the world and the information you're presented with, so you're more strongly forming your own opinions based on the stuff you've learned and feel. It's tough when we start diverging from our parents. It's perfectly valid to struggle with this changing and evolving relationship, trying to find your own feet and strike a balance between being able to speak your mind and not feeling like you're being disrespectful by doing so.

It sounds like you've got a really good head on your shoulders. I would trust that and just keep doing what you find to be right. It's okay to want to speak up but to not be sure how to. It's a lot to juggle - your beliefs, your relationship with your mom, your relationship with your sister, your relationship with your mom and your sister together, etc. Like Heather is talking about, it's often easier to start slowly and test the waters, such as asking your mom to explain why it is she believes. Your relationship with your family is a long-term thing. You have the time to work to manage it and to explore this new aspect of it and slowly open up about it. It's not something you have to tackle all at once.

I also want to commend you for wanting to talk with your mom about this. I can tell your relationship with her is very important to you, just as your moral compass is. You're being very brave and thoughtful about this all. These are weird, new waters to swim, and it's perfectly fine if you're finding it awkward and/or nerve-wracking.

It's really hard sometimes, but I've always found that I'm most successful in talking about differences like this with older/authoritative family members if I ask questions that make them confront their own thinking rather than lecturing or arguing with them. Even in open discussions, they tend to have an attitude of "I'm older so I know better" towards me, so if I play the role of asking (kinda leading) questions, they may be more likely to hear what it is I actually want to say. (But it also feels really great to get to open up and just plainly explain how I feel without having to spend so much time thinking about how to phrase questions and stuff.)

I hope you and your mom are able to find a balance and that you find you're able to open up and be heard about how you feel (even if it takes a few more years than you expect to feel comfortable enough speaking up). <3