A predatory man targeted me at the grocery store

[Arasia]

I'm not a teenager--actually, I'm a 26 year old married woman. However, I was targeted by a sexual predator at the grocery store earlier today. I feel furious, anxious, and frustrated at how I responded to the situation. I have not told my husband about the experience yet, because I need time to process this. Also, I want resources on how to disengage from situations like this in the future. Here is what happened:

I went to the grocery store after running some errands, to buy doughnuts and ice cream to enjoy with my husband and in laws. I was alone.
After selecting my doughnuts, I noticed a scruffy little old man with a bushy mustache dyed bright yellow (in his 70s or 80s). I looked at him. He did not read like a predator at all--just an eccentric old guy with silly hair. He said something to me--I don't remember what, something funny. I thought he probably saw me staring at his hair as I walked by. So, while still walking, I said back, "I like your hair."
He followed after me, stopped me, and asked me what my name was. I told him my name. 'I'd rather not stand around talking to some guy at the store' I thought. However, I figured he was a harmless old man, maybe lonely, just looking to chat. I've been approached by eccentric old people in public before, and it's no big deal. They talk, maybe ramble a bit, then we go our separate ways. So I figured this was the exact same thing. I figured, 'I'll be nice, engage with this dude for a bit, maybe make his day'.

The conversation started out typical. He complemented my glasses and my hairdo, and said that he likes to compliment young people because our peers and society are hard on how we look. (So true, I thought, what a cool/nice old guy.) He talked about how young people look up to celebrities, but that the media focuses on looks and money, and how that isn't right. (Heck yeah, I thought). Then he went on a tangent about society and politics, talked about his life and service in WW2, and about how Christmas is about Jesus (Super stereotypical "old people" stuff, I thought--only this conversation is starting to drag and I want to leave...)

Well I couldn't figure out how to disengage with this guy, he was really intense. There were a couple other people shopping around, but the grocery store was pretty dead, so other than a few people coming past to grab their milk, nobody was there.
So eventually he asks a little about me, finds out that I'm married, going to school and working, and that I have a lot of stress. He says he likes to help people who are having a hard time, lectures me on the importance of having a savings fund, suggests some herbal remedy for stress, yada-yada. He writes down the supplement name on a note and hands me the note. I thank him, FINALLY see an opportunity to disengage, say I have to get home in time for dinner, and tell him (nice little me) that he's really kind to help people.

As I turn to go, he asks if I want a hug. I still don't sense any predatory intent or threat in this--I've gotten a lot of hugs from people lately because I AM stressed out (life is tough). I gladly accept his hug and even start to tear up a bit. I thank him, honestly, because hugs are nice. THAT is when things get fucking creepy.

I leave to walk to the ice cream section, and this dude follows me. He says that people don't hug and hold hands enough, and that physical touch releases endorphins in the brain. I agree, because yeah, that stuff is true. Then he extends his hand to hold my hand.

Now, if some dude had tried to hold my hand from the get go, I would've been like heck no. But this guy has just spent the past 30 minutes being cute and elderly and helpful. So while I think that is weird I'm not all that put-off because I've categorized this guy in my brain as being okay. So I hold his hand as we get to the ice cream aisle. By which point, the predator comes out.

The old fucker starts talking about how men don't get enough physical intimacy, and how he gives other men erotic massages. My mind starts spinning. (What the hell? Repressed gay man? Maybe senile? This is so awkward). Then he says that HE needs physical intimacy too, and that he gets it by giving and receiving oral sex from women. (WHAT. THE. FUCK?!!) Note that we are now ALONE TOGETHER in the ice cream aisle. I do NOT want to hold his hand anymore.

I take my hand away and pretend to be distracted choosing ice cream. My brain is freaking out. I just grab one--not the one I wanted--and start walking for the checkout lane. He follows closely behind me, and takes my hand again. I am frozen. I don't pull my hand away, just leave it limp in his and KEEP WALKING. Get to the checkout, get to people, get to the checkout, get to people.

Seconds later, I am at the checkout. I take my hand away again, and step into line. At this point, he retreats. He says goodbye, and that if I ever want to talk/want help, I can find him at X and Y stores in town. I mumble something in reply, I don't remember what, and crowd myself close to the other people in line. He leaves, and I stand there trying not to have a panic attack.

I think this guy... targeted me, groomed me, played the long game being a harmless old man until he could initiate physical contact without raising my alarms. It was fucking horrid. I never want something like that to happen again. How can I avoid people like this? It was so sneaky. I didn't see it coming, and that made it 100x more awful when he switched from harmless old man to fucking predator.

[al]

Hi Arasia,

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened. The way that he acted was totally inappropriate, and probably deliberate. And it's totally understandable that you were shocked and didn't quite know what to do; in fact, the fact that he did this in a public place where you might not expect to have a creepy sexualized interaction could have been a conscious choice. Not that there's anywhere where someone should expect to experience harassment or predatory behavior, but people (especially women, queer, and trans folks) tend to be a little more wary in environments like bars or nightclubs.
Have you thought about any steps that you'd like to take now to take care of yourself, or reach out to others?

[Arasia]

You're correct that I have my guard up in some places more than others. Bars, clubs, at night, ect--I am more reserved then. My guard was not up at all while grocery shopping in the middle of the day. I think that is part of why the interaction was so upsetting--because it happened somewhere I previously felt totally safe and secure. If it had occured in another setting, where I had been on guard, I think I would have been less disturbed. I am angry because the consequence is, I will now be on my guard even during mundane daytime errands and around people I did not view as a threat (the elderly). I've lost that sense of security.
Since my first post, I have processed this better and have talked to lots of people about it. I was really embarrassed at first, and just wanted to pretend it never happened. However, as I thought about it I got angrier at this man. I decided my revenge would be to tell EVERYONE about him--my husband, my parents, my friends, my family. My silence would only give him power--and I'd rather take every ounce of power he thinks he's got.
However, for the future, I want to be able to escape situations like that before they escalate. I did not want to stop and talk to that man in the first place--but I did to "be nice". I've always heard that women are socialized to be nice and put other people's interests before their own. This DEFINITELY applies to me. If people want to talk to me in public, I generally accommodate them whether I want to or not. Now, I want to break this habit.
Do you know any resources to help me practice with saying No when I don't want to talk to a stranger; or with stopping their ramble and taking control of the conversation so I can disengage? If I had stopped this guy 2-3 minutes in, and said I Have To Leave. Now. Then he would never have gotten so far. Thanks.

[Heather]

You're correct that I have my guard up in some places more than others. Bars, clubs, at night, ect--I am more reserved then. My guard was not up at all while grocery shopping in the middle of the day. I think that is part of why the interaction was so upsetting--because it happened somewhere I previously felt totally safe and secure. If it had occured in another setting, where I had been on guard, I think I would have been less disturbed. I am angry because the consequence is, I will now be on my guard even during mundane daytime errands and around people I did not view as a threat (the elderly). I've lost that sense of security.

I know I'm not at all alone in relating to this. I've suffered through assaults, abuses and lord knows how many incidents of harassment in my life, but I still remember very well that because my first assaults happened in the suburbs, not the city -- where I had always had to hear so many people saying I wasn't safe, but that people are in the suburbs -- feeling the way you're feeling. Having to be on guard full-time, everywhere we go is exhausting, infuriating, dehumanizing, disheartening. I'm so sorry that this is now the case for you.

My best advice for what you're asking in your last paragraph as both someone who has taught self-defense and also been a student of it is to see if you can't find a good self-defense class, ideally one meant for women and other vulnerable groups, but if you can't find that, probably any will do. Taking self-defense doesn't usually teach this skill on the nose, but I feel like so much of what you learn in it, and how it can change you, very organically helps with this. I recently was lecturing somewhere and met someone who teaches self-defense expressly pointing out how it works in a framework of self-empowerment: where the process of learning to defend yourself can change how you feel and approach all of this, rather than just, say, giving you the ability to ward off a physical attack.

Personally, I also have often found for myself and others that when you learn self-defense, it can subtly change things like how you carry yourself, even how your body language is when someone even starts to behave like this man did, and that can often seem to stop some people like this in their tracks before they even get started. predatory people generally like people they think are easy targets: if they think we'll be a pain in their arse, they will often not pick us or back off if they have.

If that sounds appealing to you, but you're not sure where to find it, the YWCA can often be a good starting place many people can access. If they don't have classes at a branch nearby, they at least will usually know where good local classes are.

P.S. I don't think that telling everyone what he did is revenge. Rather, that sounds like straight-up justice to me. It's not vindictive in any way to make someone have to take responsibility for their actions like this -- by simply refusing to hide what they did to you -- when they have harmed you: it's just. <3

[Arasia]

I have done some research for self-defense classes in my area. I've contacted a few places, so I know where to go in the future. For now, between juggling a job, a family, and being a couple months from getting a bachelor's degree, I'm going to have to put it on the backburner. In the mean time, I've given an account and description of the guy to the women I interact with, so they know not to interact with him if they encounter him. Thanks for your advise!

[Sam W]

Hi Arasia,

Both looking into classes and telling other women about what happened are awesome steps! And good luck with all the things you're juggling!