Scarleteen

/// please don't reply to this if you are a man it would make me uncomfortable ////

As a survivor of minor sexual trauma (i was groped without consent repeatedly for 6 months when I was 15/16) I've grown up thinking the worst in men. For the longest time I associated male sexual desire as a desire to hurt me.

It's only recently that I've begun to see sex as a thing that women can enjoy too, whereas before it just seemed like something that was done to them, and they had no agency over.

I know the title makes it seem as if I'm LGBT or Questioning but I'm definitely not, I've always had crushes on boys in books and tv shows and always wanted to fall in love with one.

This year I've been getting over my phobia of my own genitals, I started to realise sex is something /I/ can enjoy and I actually had my first crush on a real life boy. I would love for him to like me back and I feel Comfortable with that fact and have pictured us kissing or going on dates.

But the idea of other boys liking me kind of grosses me out, I feel kind of dirty and disgusting and I don't know how to make that feeling go away. I know it's just residual fear, and it's hard because so badly do I want to fall in love, but the idea of someone liking me that /I/ do not like makes me feel sick.

I went for coffee after class with a boy and I just got a vague sense he liked me and I felt so gross

Does anyone have any experience with this? Or Advice?

Hi Firefly,

This sounds like a really stressful pattern of feelings to be dealing with. You've mentioned that you think the source of this is residual fear, and that makes a lot of sense given that you're healing from sexual trauma. When someone has touched us without our consent, deciding that any unwanted attraction is something to be repulsed by and avoid at all costs is something our minds can settle on as a way to protect us.

I remember in a previous conversation we were talking about you linking up with some resources for sexual assault survivors in your area. Have you had a chance to do that? If so, are these feelings something you've discussed with people at that resource?

Too, would it be helpful to talk about what that fear or disgust specifically feels like? For instance, is it connected to a feeling that someone might assault you again? Or that if someone is attracted to you, that means they're less safe for you to be around? Something else?

Hi,

I have contacted someone for counselling but it's a 6 month waiting list so it'll be a while before I can talk these feelings out with a real person. And I also spoke to my GP today about getting put on a wait-list for CBT so hopefully that's a little shorter!

I think it does feel like if someone is attracted to me it feels as though they're less safe to be around?

I just feel kind of dirty, I think when someone has a crush on you it's supposed to feel Nice, but I just feel so Objectified like I haven't given them permission to look at me like that. I think I also find it hard to see men as having innocent crushes, the way /I/ would have an innocent crush, because growing up I was always taught men were hyper-sexual monsters (lol)

I just have this view that whenever men /like/ you it means they view you as a sex object and want to imagine you in sexual situations where you are void of agency. I /Know/ this isn't a good or accurate viewpoint but it's hard to think otherwise. I also have a few male friends but I HATE talking about sex to boys it makes me feel very on display so I can't ask them about it.

(By the way I don't want to imply that being Sexually Attracted to someone is bad, but the way I see male sexual attraction is inherently problematic. As I said before I recently had my first ever crush and it's wholly innocent and also very loving, like I love so much about /him/ as a person. When I think of men liking me it doesn't feel they like me as a person and I just feel on display a little bit.)

I also, weirdly, decided to write a list of how grossed out I would feel if different men asked me out and I realised that the men I wouldn't feel nausea about dating are ones that are people I can trust but are ultimately unavailable. I think I /am/ just afraid of being hurt and I don't like not being in control. If someone I knew I could trust asked me out I wouldn't feel sick because I would know they wouldn't think of me in that objectifying, void of agency way.

e.g the person I have a crush on is a very close childhood friend of my cousin. While I only knew my crush for a week, I could trust him because my cousin is so lovely and his childhood best friend must be too. I think this meant my brain allowed me to have a crush on him.

But I don't think, if I had met him in the street I would have feelings for him at all, because I would have been very afraid how he would think of me.

Ooof, that's quite a waiting list! I'm glad you're exploring multiple ways of getting support, since you deserve to have help around dealing with these feelings and the healing process in general.

It sounds like you've done a lot of thinking about where these fears are coming from, which is an awesome step in terms of addressing them. Too, it sounds like you're at the tricky place where you understand intellectually that the ideas are harmful and contributing to the stress you feel, but getting yourself to process that information on a gut emotional level is hard.

When it comes to crushes, I actually think it's okay to not automatically find someone having a crush on you nice or flattering. Young people, and young women especially, are taught that someone being attracted to you is this high form of praise. But that ignores the fact that a lot of us experience times when an unrequited crush makes things awkward, or when someone prioritized their desire to be around us or touch us over our consent.Something that might be helpful, especially once you're able to connect to a counselor, is to talk about how to balance the fact that you don't particularly like people having crushes on you with the fact that, at a certain point, we have to learn that we can't control how other people feel about us.

Addressing those internalized myths about men's sexuality can be tricky, and it's something survivors I've worked with in the past have definitely had a tough time navigating. Part of that is because the world is still rife with extremely visible examples of sexually abusive men, and a lot of people defending said men will fall back on the argument of "that's just how men are." It's kind of hard to get yourself to believe not all men are awful when the world is like "here, look at these awful men!" Honestly, one of the things that helps with that is time and coming into contact with men who are actively working to make themselves safe people to be around. Too, sometimes it can help to read or watch things where men are demonstrating those positive qualities, since it both counters the "all men are hyper-seuxal monsters" arguments and can help you feel like you're developing a sense of how men who are safe and respectful behave. Does that make sense?

Thank you so much for this! I think I replied but then got timed out so the reply didn't send, this was so helpful, and I'm feeling a little better! I also managed to talk to a friend a little about it cause i know she has a history of trauma and I wanted to see what she thought

It absolutely helps to know that this isn't something that only /I/ feel, and I do hope it gets better!

I actually have a /side/ question that I don't want to open up another topic for, but for the first time in my life I THINK I managed to touch the outside of my vagina ? (I'm actually unsure what I found because I'm Not An Expert) but I had this thought, and I wanted to reassurance, because my body suddenly became afraid that my finger would get /stuck/ up there, that wouldn't happen would it?

And if I'm just doing a bit of exploration (not in a sexual way) should I use lube?

I know it sounds super dumb but I'm SO proud of myself for being able to touch it without getting squeamish / crying !! It's not in a sexual way, but it feels great to feel like my vagina is /mine/ as opposed to something I'm distant from

I'm so glad talking here was helpful, and that you've been able to talk with a friend about this!

It's not silly at all to fell proud of yourself for being able to interact with a part of your body that's felt pretty charged. And it's awesome that you're taking time to get to know it. With your other question, your finger can't really get stuck in your vagina. Lube is definitely something that can be helpful, even if you're just getting to know your own body, because it can make touching things more comfortable.