Scarleteen

hey! so im a female 19 yo. ive been out as bisexual since i was 15 with almost everyone in my life, school, immediate family, friends from uni or from any other place ive spend time. i was so sure even tho i had no previous experience. but lately ive been actually experimenting. just around the same time last year i had my first kiss with a male friend and it was nice but i felt like smt was missing. i pushed the thought away bc i guessed it was bc i had no romantic feelings for him. later that year i kissed a female friend but it was just a peak and i was really drunk (in my country is legal btw) i still remember it felt nice. maybe better than the other kiss.
the thing is that lately ive been making out with the same guy bc he apparently likes me and tbh i love the attention. so the thing is that i let him touch my boobs and my butt. it was nice, my body did like it. i mean i was making sounds but i really didnt want to touch him or kiss him? like it was nice but i still feel smt is missing. like i was more preoccupied with my kissing technic than enjoying the kissing.
Also ive dream about kissing girls before and i did feel smt then like idk i could melt? and ive only ever had wet dreams with girls. never with a boy. and i remember a dream where i kissed a boy when i was like 9 or 10 and it wasnt as overwhelming as that dream i had kissing a girl.
so idk does this means im a lesbian?

Hi notyourpumpkin,

So, there are a few things that jumped out at me in your question. The first is that many people assume that, in order to be bi, you have to experience and equal amount of attraction to all genders. But from what we know of how people's attraction works in the real world, it's actually very rare for someone who's bi to experience the exact same amount of attraction to each gender, or for that attraction to feel the same way every time. You can find a really great explanation of why that is here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... _and_women.

Another thing that may be going on is that it sounds like your experiences kissing men have been with guys you felt pretty "meh" about. Your brain is in many ways your biggest sexual organ, so if it's not into what's happening or who it's happening with, sexual interactions are unlikely to feel great. If you're not really attracted to them someone, then kissing them is unlikely to feel like much. So some of what you're experiencing may be more about the guys you've tried things with, and less about your attraction to men as a group. Too, I'd encourage you to only make out with people who you feel really attracted to going forward (after all, just because someone likes us doesn't mean we need to kiss them). If it helps, we can also talk about ways to find that attention or intimacy you're craving that don't involve being physical in ways you're not really into.

Now, it is entirely possible that as you go through life and learn more about yourself, your understanding of your sexual orientation will change. You mention being scared that you may be a lesbian. Can you tell me a little more about why that's a scary thought?

Hi, thanks for answering ♡
I guess I'm scared bc I've been telling everyone I'm bi and I might come of as a liar or fake. I'm known as someone who always has her ideas clear and is conscious about everything. And maybe bc I think I feel better having the possibility to come of as het in case I'm not in a safe environment. I've never encountered anyone in life who had smt serious against me bc of my sexuality. Like the majority in every group I've ever been was always very accepting so they only looked at me weird once and that was all. Even my mom like she's very careful about it but has been getting over it with time. Idk

Btw I know that to be bi you can experience different levels of attraction to the different genders. I've always known that I prefer girls over boys.

Hey there notyourpumpkin,

I just wanted to pop in here and validate your fears about other people judging you or calling you a liar - there's a lot that society needs to learn about the fluidity of sexuality, and especially giving young people a break when they're figuring out their sexuality. Just because you feel one way for a bit and then feel differently later on doesn't invalidate your original feeling - it just means that your thoughts about yourself and your life have shifted, which is a normal and healthy thing for human beings to do. People who can't understand that are often struggling themselves with labels and feeling like they have to strictly categorize things for them to make sense.

It's possible that you may need a bit more information/more experience to feel more sure about how you'd like to identify. It could be that you really don't feel all that much attraction/desire towards men, and the "lesbian" or "same-sex-only" label fits you best, or you could have just not been that thrilled about the men that you've been with, and be bisexual. Again, our sexualities and identities are fluid things, and are really dependent on the experiences that we've had with others. What matters is that you're checking in with yourself and that you have the support that you need from others.

Have you talked to anyone else about these fears, or mostly kept them to yourself?

Hii
I've talked to a couple of friends and one said kinda the same that is possible I just don't like the boy in question rather than the whole gender. That If don't like him just stop whatever we've been doing. The other said that if dont like him just stop and worry about my identity later.
So I think I'm gonna do that just stop that thing with that boy and figure out the rest later. Also I'm gonna stop saying I'm bi so I don't feel I might be lying.
Thank u so much for your help. U all are a blessing ♡

I just want to chime in and remind you that identifying differently at different times of life rarely is about lying.

A reporter was just talking to me about a similar issue the other day, and to her I likened it to how we're often asked, when we're little, what we want to be when we grow up. That's something we usually have answered a whole bunch of different ways, and we were probably telling the truth every time.

There are some things in life we just can't predict or expect to stay the same, and orientation -- which has so much to do with our life experiences, and often flexes, changes, shifts or refines itself in response to them and what they give us -- is totally one of them. Some people do know who they are in this regard very early in life and have it never change all that much, but those folks are more the exception than the rule. For most people, even if they don't say it out loud or name it, it's more common for it to take longer to get a real sense of this and for orientation not to stay exactly the same over a lifetime. <3

Also, don't forget that you always can identify as questioning at times of life when you are!