Scarleteen

I was just wondering, because when I(M18) mastrubate, I feel almost nothing when I ejaculate. The whole journey to ejaculation feels good, but I always thought an orgasm is sort of the peak of sexual pleasure. However, for me, it is not. Before I ejaculate there is this kind of build up you would expect ends in a wonderful sensation, but when it happens, it all just disappears. The weird thing is, it kinda hurts afterwards, probably because of the stimulation, which makes the whole thing even weirder. I am pretty mad about it, since I feel like I’m missing out those amazing tingles and stuff like that, everybody is always talking about. It almost feels like, a sexual activity isn‘t worth it, when I am not satisfied with what my body is giving me. Just a nice feeling before ejaculation is just not what I would describe as a really good feeling. Why can only women get this much pleasure out of a sexual activity?

Hi there 90Hello09,

I'm sorry to hear that this is feeling frustrating for you. I can totally understand that disappointment of building up that arousal and pleasure only to have a fizzle rather than fireworks at the end. Is this the type of thing that happens every single time that you masturbate, or only on certain occasions? How often is this happening?

Based on your last post, I'm also wondering how your mind and heart are feeling during these moments as well. By far our most effective sexual organ is our brain, so if you're feeling tired or stressed out (especially if it's about the masturbation itself), that could potentially be getting in the way of feeling good. With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body talks about this in more detail - the different parts of the sexual/reproductive system are responsible for physical responses like blood flow and muscle tension, but our brains' pleasure centers are often the ones calling the shots. I have a feeling that this building frustration that you mention with your body might be affecting the process a bit.

You also mentioned things hurting a little bit afterwards, probably because of the stimulation. That's pretty normal - after a lot of stimulation and arousal, genitals can feel pretty sensitive, and might be prone to feeling uncomfortable if they're overstimulated. (More about this in Sexual Response and Orgasm: A User's Guide.) Do you often try to keep going after ejaculation?

As for your question about women, I don't think that's necessarily true. Just because you haven't been able to feel that amazing explosive orgasm that you're looking for so far doesn't mean that it'll always be like that (or that men in general can't get pleasure out of masturbation/orgasm). It may just mean that right now, what you've been trying has been giving you a different result that what you wanted.

First of all, thanks for the advice. It happens every time I mastrubate. I always wondered if it really has something to do with my mental state, but it always sounded weird, that what I think really influences what happens within my body. I am wondering if the PTSD I had a couple of years ago and because I, from time to time, just feel miserable about a couple of things, including by body, has something to do with it.

Hi 90Hello09,

PTSD, and trauma in general, can definitely be a factor in struggles with arousal or pleasure. And feeling low, especially about your body can have a similar effect. Our brains really are our biggest sexual organ in many ways, so if our thoughts and feelings aren't aroused or excited, masturbating is unlikely to feel like much. So, it sounds like you've actually identified a few different factors that could be contributing to this.

Would it be helpful for us to talk about ways you could try connecting with your body that take those feelings into account? And do you generally feel pretty positive about your body, or is it often a thing that makes you feel insecure or miserable?

Yes, any advice is appreciated. I feel pretty positive about my body, because I do a lot of fitness. However, I struggle with what other people might think about me, when they see me, and how my face looks, because I don’t really have a jawline and stuff like that, even though I am pretty lean. This insecurity probably formed while I was bullied and people laughed about my body, when I had more weight on. But I think this part is a little bit off topic. I often feel miserable because I have no friends and absolutely zero contact to the female gender, because of the above mentioned insecurity. I always think people think of me in a disgusted way when they see me. (I am not ugly btw.)

It can definitely be hard to feel really great about your body when you're having a lot of thoughts or worries about how other people are viewing or thinking about it. One thing that might be helpful is to approach masturbation as something that can be entirely about you, your pleasure, and your experiences with your body, without having to take anyone else's opinions into account. I know it can be tough to drop those worries about what other people might be thinking, but I think it's worth a try, to try and make masturbation something that is just for and about yourself and your own enjoyment.

Have you been able to access any sort of therapy or other treatment for your PTSD? Are there any coping mechanisms you've picked up that have been helpful to you?

I went to therapy some years ago, and it really helped me. But I don’t remember any mechanisms.

Is therapy something you feel you'd like to explore again, given that it was helpful the previous time and it sounds like there are still things that it could help you address?

Too, are there things that you've tried that have helped you feel better about your body? If not, that's something we can help you brainstorm if you'd like. It sounds like it may also be helpful to talk about ways to help you be a little less isolated, since that seems to be adding to those negative feelings about yourself.

To be honest, I thought about going back to therapy because of my negative thoughts, but I don’t know if I can really do it, because I parents have to pay for it and it is a big thing for me to tell them, since I feel very vulnerable talking about it.
Speaking of negative thoughts, I noticed something. I recently had a wet dream, where I experienced no pleasure when I woke up and came. And if I really think about it, every time I have an orgasm or mastrubate, I always feel bad afterwards, because I feel like It was a stupid thing to do, which will result in me thinking I will lose my sensitivity in my private parts, and will never experience real pleasure, like pleasureable orgasms and stuff. So I seem really really stressed about it, even though I know that these thoughts are only half true. But the other „half“ of my brain still tells me, I am lost now. It’s like saying:“There is no going back now. You are doomed!“.
Again, any advice on how I can feel more comfortable in my own body is gladly appreciated.
When it comes to isolation, is is very difficult to get over that, since as I already mentioned, I always think people laugh about me or are disgusted, when they see me (Probably the result of heavy bullying). I always think, people think stuff like:“Ew, look at this guy, he looks so weird. What does he want from me? What an idiot. I hope he goes away“ (This is one of those things, people said and thought about me, in 6th grade. Fun times.)

I hear you on that feeling of vulnerability when opening up to your parents about your mental health. There are a few ways we could approach that situation. Given your age, you should be able to seek care without your parents knowing, and there might be counseling options that are inexpensive or free that you could access. We could also talk about how to have that conversation with your parents.

It sounds like at least some of the negative feelings about your body or your experience of sexuality are tied up in shame, including shame-based messages that you kind of already know are nonsense. Can you give me a sense of what, if any, kind of messages you received about masturbation or sex in general growing up?

Given that it sounds like you dealt with a bunch of cruel commentary around your appearance when you were younger, one of the most helpful things right now is to acknowledge that you'll need to be patient with yourself when it comes to changing how you feel about your body. Unlearning negative messages about our bodies is tricky at the best of times, but when our appearance was a target of cruelty, that process can take longer than we want it to. It's also okay if you don't go straight from "agh, I hate my body" to "OMG I love my body." Learning to accept your body as it is can be a huge step all on it's own. It can also help to think in terms of what certain body parts can do, rather than how they look. For instance, is there a part of your body you can look at today and appreciate what it does for you?

When it comes to isolation, a wonder if a possible first step might be connecting with people in online spaces. That might perform a run-around on the pattern of fears about being judged for your appearance leading you to not interact with people. Does that sound like something you could try?

I grew up in a family that isn’t really strict and stuff like that, but we still never really talked much about sex etc., and not one time about mastrubation. However, my dad once saw that I watched porn when I was around 14, which ended in an absolute drama. I still cringe about it today, and sex was a topic that was definitely present, but we never really talked about it.
When it come to my body, the thing is, through middle school people laughed at me because of my body. But today, I am going to the gym 5 times a week since 2 years and I look like how the upper 5% of People look like. But still, the thoughts from back then are still there.
I always feel like I behave too pushy, when I talk to people, I never talked to before, even though I know that I behave totally normal. I still see myself as the extrem shy, awkward 6th grader when I approach a person. It doesn’t matter if men or women.
I still don’t know if therapy would be the solution, because it is really embarrassing to talk about it. And if I would tell a person about sexual problems, that may be the result of „small“ mental problems, it would probably be the end of the world for me. I always think to myself that I don’t deserve the help, because I shouldn’t take part in anything sexual. No one ever, except my family (my family is amazing btw),gave me any type of affection (probably also my fault) and this really creates a feeling of being unwanted in me. This results in the feeling I shouldn’t do anything sexual and don’t deserve any kind of help. I know this is bullshit, but something really really deep in my mind still believes it. It creates a feeling of discomfort.

90Hello90,

You absolutely DO deserve help. I get that it's hard to feel that way but clearly, deep down you know that you do. If someone in your life you care about - a friend or your family - was struggling with such overwhelming negative thoughts you wouldn't tell them that they didn't deserve help - would you?

I hear you on the discomfort of asking for help, especially when you start asking if your problems are "big enough" to be worth it, but it does sound like that might be the best thing for you right now.

It might seem like we're getting a little off topic talking about the ways you feel about yourself when you came to ask about masturnbation, but masturbation is really about pleasure, and so it's generally easier to enjoy it when you believe that it's okay to want pleasure, and that you deserve to feel good - does that make sense?

You say you feel like you shouldn't take part in anything sexual...can you explain a bit more why that is?

I mostly think that way, because no one ever expressed stuff like feeling towards me (probably also my fault) and because I just don’t get the pleasure out of mastrubation, and anything sexual in general, the I am expecting. I sometimes think that maybe it is meant to be this way. That anything sexual is just not for me, when I am not satisfied. After mastrubation, I always think I wasted time, because it didn’t turn out how I wanted it to.
The thing with „big enough“ problems is, those overwhelming negative thought only come in irregular, short time spans. Maybe lasting around 2 hours. They often result from a small negative thought, that has a big impact on me, which then gets worse and worse over the time span of around 2 minutes. Then it stays that way for a longer time span and it feel like I am dislocated and only 70% of my mind is really present. It gives me headache. The rest of the time, like 96%-ish, everything is normal, but the sexual stuff still pressures me a little. However, gets worse when I already feel bad. That’s why I am not sure, since it doesn’t happen every day.

The tricky thing about depression or other things that lead to a lot of negative self-talk is that they often don't happen during 100% of our lives. We have days where nothing feels wrong, days when everything feels awful, and lots of days in-between. Just because it's not a constant stream of bad thoughts doesn't mean it shouldn't be addressed by a professional.

But I feel you big time on the worrying that a problem isn't "big enough" to seek help for (and I'm definitely guilty of putting off seeking help for just that reason). In fact, that kind of thinking is really common, because most of us can easily imagine someone who has bigger problems and is more "deserving" of help than we are. But the fact of the matter is that seeking help is about how much distress or unhappiness something is causing you, not how your unhappiness compares to the hypothetical unhappiness of someone else. Does that make sense?

With masturbation, there are a few different things you could try. One is just to take a break from masturbating, period. Sometimes, when masturbation isn't resulting in what we want it to, it starts to build of this expectation of frustration that just saps any remaining pleasure from the activity. So taking a break can be like hitting a reset button on your brain. Another thing to try would be to set aside a time where you can really relax and get in touch with your body without putting pressure on yourself to orgasm or otherwise achieving a specific result from masturbating. Instead, you can focus on what things feel good to your brain and body and explore them. Do either of those sound like things you could try?

Sam W wrote:Another thing to try would be to set aside a time where you can really relax and get in touch with your body without putting pressure on yourself to orgasm or otherwise achieving a specific result from masturbating. Instead, you can focus on what things feel good to your brain and body and explore them.

I want to expand on this one more for you, 90Hello09, because I feel like I've been pushing this in a couple of threads around here. ^^

I think when you have shame associated with your body and simultaneous shame around sex in addition to that, it can be very hard trying to overcome both at once. It might be easier for you to break these things down when you approach them separately.

It sounds like you've worked a lot on getting in touch with and feeling better about your body with the working out you've been doing. How about some specific activities that get you in touch with your body beyond just pushing it to its limits - but specifically built to help you understand and appreciate your body?

This could look like exercise in the form of "slower" exercise types like yoga, pilates, and/or tai chi, which are exercises built around balance and movement. As athletic as you are, I'm sure you're aware of your body's abilities and limitations. But how often do you slow down and really feel the movement of your body when doing things like this? Something that specifically forces you to think about the specific positioning of your body and feel the movement you're holding.

In a similar vein as above but in a slightly different direction, this could look like stretching and deep stretching. Settle into your body and feel how it's doing by performing some stretching.

Ways other than exercise can include meditation and just plain exploration. I prefer guided meditation, which leads me through specific ways of connecting with my body and being aware of it and practicing visualization exercises to help me relax my body. I use the free app Insight Timer, which has thousands of free meditation sessions from music to guided to talks, with tons of different topics from mindfulness to anxiety reduction to sleep help to intention setting and more. ASMR videos have become big recently as a way to relax and improve the mind-body connection. Finally, you can explore your body without even masturbating. A shower in the dark can be a good way to start doing this, especially if this feels weird or awkward to begin. Let the water help keep you grounded. The dark will help you feel your body rather than just see it (which can sometimes make us more judgemental, tbh). Then use your hands to explore and learn your body, as if you're learning someone else's body. You can soap up while doing this but try to use your bare hands or just a washcloth. Feel your shape. Find your scars and dips and moles. Find where you're soft and where you're more muscular. Experiment with different pressures and find where you like soft touch and where you prefer some tension. You can also do self-massage instead of a shower (which is probably good to do if you're working out a lot). Look up pressure points and work on massaging those areas. When you're doing any of this, focus on the sensations you're feeling and how they make you feel.

As for unlearning purity culture/sexual shame, that could look like a lot of different things.

It might look like talking things through with a therapist. It could be journaling out your feelings to help yourself sort through them and start picking them apart. It will probably involve doing some sex positive educational reading. (Since you're already here, I would start with ScarleTeen's resources like Undoing Sexual Shame and, if religion plays into any of this for you, On Sexuality And Sin.) It could be exploring some personal erotic writing/drawing (if you do either of those) to find what you're interested in/comfortable with.

It sounds like, for you - and for a lot of us, really, a lot of the shame and weirdness you feel comes down to the silence you've been expected to keep on the subject, so anything that focuses on somehow vocalizing your thoughts about sex would be excellent to work up to, as that'll help break a lot of the shame that you feel. The silence really helps feed the shame. Opening up about it can help break down these barriers!

Sam W wrote:The tricky thing about depression or other things that lead to a lot of negative self-talk is that they often don't happen during 100% of our lives. We have days where nothing feels wrong, days when everything feels awful, and lots of days in-between. Just because it's not a constant stream of bad thoughts doesn't mean it shouldn't be addressed by a professional.

But I feel you big time on the worrying that a problem isn't "big enough" to seek help for (and I'm definitely guilty of putting off seeking help for just that reason). In fact, that kind of thinking is really common, because most of us can easily imagine someone who has bigger problems and is more "deserving" of help than we are. But the fact of the matter is that seeking help is about how much distress or unhappiness something is causing you, not how your unhappiness compares to the hypothetical unhappiness of someone else. Does that make sense?

With masturbation, there are a few different things you could try. One is just to take a break from masturbating, period. Sometimes, when masturbation isn't resulting in what we want it to, it starts to build of this expectation of frustration that just saps any remaining pleasure from the activity. So taking a break can be like hitting a reset button on your brain. Another thing to try would be to set aside a time where you can really relax and get in touch with your body without putting pressure on yourself to orgasm or otherwise achieving a specific result from masturbating. Instead, you can focus on what things feel good to your brain and body and explore them. Do either of those sound like things you could try?

Last month, I stopped mastrubating for about 3 weeks. When I did it again, it was stupid hot, I was alarmist shaking. But still, when I orgasmed, it still felt like nothing. Probably because on my way to orgasm, I almost hoped for an amazing orgasm.
But what if I, again, stop mastrubating, and get really horny, should I just suppress this urge? Because when I give in, the orgasm is always the same. The above mentioned thing might also be the reason for that.
When it comes to therapy, if I again get this phase of feeling like shit one more time, I will go to therapy.

horriblegoose wrote:

Sam W wrote:Another thing to try would be to set aside a time where you can really relax and get in touch with your body without putting pressure on yourself to orgasm or otherwise achieving a specific result from masturbating. Instead, you can focus on what things feel good to your brain and body and explore them.

I want to expand on this one more for you, 90Hello09, because I feel like I've been pushing this in a couple of threads around here. ^^

I think when you have shame associated with your body and simultaneous shame around sex in addition to that, it can be very hard trying to overcome both at once. It might be easier for you to break these things down when you approach them separately.

It sounds like you've worked a lot on getting in touch with and feeling better about your body with the working out you've been doing. How about some specific activities that get you in touch with your body beyond just pushing it to its limits - but specifically built to help you understand and appreciate your body?

This could look like exercise in the form of "slower" exercise types like yoga, pilates, and/or tai chi, which are exercises built around balance and movement. As athletic as you are, I'm sure you're aware of your body's abilities and limitations. But how often do you slow down and really feel the movement of your body when doing things like this? Something that specifically forces you to think about the specific positioning of your body and feel the movement you're holding.

In a similar vein as above but in a slightly different direction, this could look like stretching and deep stretching. Settle into your body and feel how it's doing by performing some stretching.

Ways other than exercise can include meditation and just plain exploration. I prefer guided meditation, which leads me through specific ways of connecting with my body and being aware of it and practicing visualization exercises to help me relax my body. I use the free app Insight Timer, which has thousands of free meditation sessions from music to guided to talks, with tons of different topics from mindfulness to anxiety reduction to sleep help to intention setting and more. ASMR videos have become big recently as a way to relax and improve the mind-body connection. Finally, you can explore your body without even masturbating. A shower in the dark can be a good way to start doing this, especially if this feels weird or awkward to begin. Let the water help keep you grounded. The dark will help you feel your body rather than just see it (which can sometimes make us more judgemental, tbh). Then use your hands to explore and learn your body, as if you're learning someone else's body. You can soap up while doing this but try to use your bare hands or just a washcloth. Feel your shape. Find your scars and dips and moles. Find where you're soft and where you're more muscular. Experiment with different pressures and find where you like soft touch and where you prefer some tension. You can also do self-massage instead of a shower (which is probably good to do if you're working out a lot). Look up pressure points and work on massaging those areas. When you're doing any of this, focus on the sensations you're feeling and how they make you feel.

As for unlearning purity culture/sexual shame, that could look like a lot of different things.

It might look like talking things through with a therapist. It could be journaling out your feelings to help yourself sort through them and start picking them apart. It will probably involve doing some sex positive educational reading. (Since you're already here, I would start with ScarleTeen's resources like Undoing Sexual Shame and, if religion plays into any of this for you, On Sexuality And Sin.) It could be exploring some personal erotic writing/drawing (if you do either of those) to find what you're interested in/comfortable with.

It sounds like, for you - and for a lot of us, really, a lot of the shame and weirdness you feel comes down to the silence you've been expected to keep on the subject, so anything that focuses on somehow vocalizing your thoughts about sex would be excellent to work up to, as that'll help break a lot of the shame that you feel. The silence really helps feed the shame. Opening up about it can help break down these barriers!

Thanks for the advice! I already tried meditation a couple of times, but I never really got to the point where I really felt connected with my body. In this situation I often thought something like „this is pointless, I feel nothing“, because it never seemed to work. Maybe because I tried to force myself too hard. But I think I will try again.

How you long you want a break in masturbating to be, and how you want to handle the desire to masturbate when it comes up, is totally up to you. For instance, it sounds like having some time between masturbation attempts helped it be way more pleasurable, even if you didn't reach orgasm. But, if you think not reaching orgasm is still going to torpedo your enjoyment of the experience, then focusing on other things until the desire to masturbate goes away may be the way to go.

With that time you described where masturbation felt really good, can you say a little more about the orgasm feeling like nothing? For instance, did you feel basically no sensation at all? Or was it more that it felt underwhelming?

Do you have a good sense of how to access the mental health resources you need if you decide to pursue them?

It was like feeling no real pleasure. Everything I felt before just went away. I still felt the touch, but it wasn’t desirable.
Yes, I have good access to address my mental health problems.

Got it, thanks for clarifying. It sounds like, then, removing orgasm from your mind as a goal and focusing on what does feel good might be the most enjoyable option when you do choose to masturbate.

90Hello09 wrote:
Thanks for the advice! I already tried meditation a couple of times, but I never really got to the point where I really felt connected with my body. In this situation I often thought something like „this is pointless, I feel nothing“, because it never seemed to work. Maybe because I tried to force myself too hard. But I think I will try again.

Yep, you've hit the nail on the head here. Forcing yourself to do or feel anything related to sex is the #1 way for that thing to not work out. Several others have already mentioned taking your time, not TRYING to accomplish anything, just focusing on what feels good...all of that is great advice!

I'll add one more idea: consider putting yourself in a state of curiosity about your body, pleasure, feelings, etc. Do a little research on yourself, and be a neutral observer, asking yourself questions with zero judgement.

How does X feel? Do I like it better with or without a fantasy? Hmm, that's interesting. What happens if I bring myself closer to orgasm and stop for a while; what are those feelings like?

Experimenting with yourself with a neutral point of view can take the pressure of achieving anything off, and that might be the secret to feeling good in the long run. At the very least, you'll have a really good understanding of how you work!

You can even do this investigation without masturbating. All it takes is tuning in to how you're feeling at any time of day. Or you might try it when you're experiencing something pleasurable that isn't sexual - like taking a hot shower, giving yourself a massage, or eating something that tastes good. What does pleasure feel like in those ways?

Understanding how your body reacts to pleasure in any circumstance can help you process feelings and sensations of a sexual nature, too.