Scarleteen

When I have sex with my girlfriend, whenever I jerk her off I can tend to go a little too fast and rough and cause pain to her foreskin. I do my best to take her cues and I've been trying to slow down and be more gentle, but in general, what can I do to avoid this? I want to be able to pleasure her without also causing unwanted pain!

also she started HRT back in October and is starting to physically change in some ways now so that might affect things?
-also for context I'm circumcised, so I guess I'm still kinda used to my own penis? (We've done this a few times but it's few and far between because we're long distance and can't see each other often)

Let's just check in about a few things first.

• Are you using plenty of lubricant?
• Has she shown you how *she* masturbates herself so you can get a batter idea of what feels good *and* doesn't hurt her?
• Is she letting you know when things DO feel good and don't hurt so you can keep doing those things?

we try to use lube but we could always probably use more. I've seen but haven't really like explicitly paid attention looking for things like that. I could always ask her though. She does generally let me know and I regularly check in when we're doing these things, but it's tough to know exactly/specifically what's good/not good sometimes

Hey! More lube definitely might help. Switching up the *kind* of lube could help too -- if you're just performing manual sex (aka jerking her off), then silicone lubricant is perfectly safe and tends to last longer/be a bit thicker than water-based lubes, for example.

I also totally get your comment about being "used to your own body." It makes a lot of sense to just replicate the things that feel good to you. But everyone's needs are so unique, it turns out that doesn't usually work so well.

I love Heather's idea -- having her show you what makes her feel good herself. In general, I think it's great for couples to practice mutual masturbation at least a few times. You can see how each other's bodies work and take some of the pressure off of the learning process. Also, a lot of people think it's really enjoyable and arousing to masturbate next to/with their partner.

Porn -- watched together or separately -- can also help you brainstorm ways of touching each other that may feel better. If your girlfriend's body continues to change with HRT, that may help her see other women in her situation and how they feel good as well. While some mainstream porn has historically demanded that trans women go off of HRT to please their audiences, some artists -- like performer and director Chelsea Poe -- have been very vocal in starting a movement of showing genuine pleasure from bodies undergoing hormone replacement therapy.

Do y'all ever talk about sex when you're not having it? It can be hard to make adjustments in the moment. When orgasms are at play, sometimes we put this artificial time pressure on ourselves. Are you comfortable just casually discussing the ways that sex can feel better when you're not in the middle of it?

Another option, very similar to mutual masturbation, would be to ask your girlfriend to use your hand to simulate herself. You let your hand completely relax, she puts her hand over yours, and she uses her hand to control the pressure, speed, etc. Then not only are you seeing exactly what she likes, but you're feeling how to do it, as well, to give you a better idea of what sort of pressure and speed she prefers, when she likes to go faster or slower, and even specific places she likes to touch or give more attention to. It can definitely be a little awkward and clunky to get used to you keeping your hand relaxed and letting her guide you and for her to guide a hand that isn't her own, but you might both find it intimate and sexy (and don't be afraid to laugh when it is awkward) - and have it pay off in the longer run, too.

Also - and I know this can be hard in the heat of the moment - but practice having some mindfulness and extra awareness the next few times you're intimate with her so that you can practice more being slower and gentler than you're used to. With more practice, it'll come more naturally rather than being something you have to stop and specifically force yourself to do.

(And yeah, HRT can definitely impact sensitivity - and impact it in different ways depending on the dose and length of time she's been on it! Not only physically, but HRT can cause mental differences in how we perceive ourselves, too, and since the mind is very wrapped up in sex, how we perceive ourselves can also change how we prefer to be touched and what we enjoy.)