hi again

[sky]

Okay this is probably is stupid but maybe you can reassure me. None of this is meant in a sexual way, I really don’t feel those feelings anymore and before they were extremely forced before so this isn’t that again. So, I’m homoromantic 100% but I’ve been seeing men and like woah they are attractive to me and I haven’t been seeing women lately. Also nb folks have had me SUPER heart eyes too. I guess I’m just confused, is it ‘normal’ to be visually attracted to people but not want any type of companionship with them?

[al]

Hey sky,

There are all sorts of ways that people can feel attraction to those around them, whether sexually, aesthetically, romantically, etc. Every person's experiences of attractions are different (and can vary from person to person or day to day!). What matters is what's "normal" for you.

[Heather]

I just want to add that I think it's helpful to remember that having attraction and wanting to do something about it are two different things. This, for instance, is a fairly common situation with many people in the ace community, plenty of whom may feel attraction but not the desire to do anything about it.

But there are many other scenarios in which we may find someone attractive but may not want to get involved with someone. Maybe we know they're bad for us in some way. Maybe we or they are already in an exclusive relationship. Maybe we're focusing on our own self-care exclusively right now, or on our platonic friendships, so we don't want to get involved with anyone. Maybe we find someone attractive aesthetically, but that doesn't = sexual desire for us with that person. Maybe we know that certain kinds of relationships or interactions with people of a given gender are just too rife for us at the moment, or just something we don't seem to do well in. Maybe we're just lazy and don't want to actively do anything, period.

[sky]

Thanks Al and Heather! That helps. The more I think about it and try to actually pay attention to what I’m feeling is the first guy I saw had amazing tattoos and beautiful smile and the other guy I saw had incredible hair and the first one was just so damn handsome lol. Finally learning and talking to people about asexuality has been so helpful.

It’s kinda hard to explain when I want romance though. You know what I mean? Like I’m okay with kissing here and there I think even though I hate it and hugs are okay and cuddling freaks me out but if I was comfortable enough I definitely could do that. I don’t understand the whole way to label myself and also labels suck and so I just say lesbian. It’s so nice to just not have to force myself to wanna do that anymore. The day after I found out and realized I’m somewhere on the ace spectrum I woke up so happy and then cried happy tears because I felt like I finally got the missing puzzle piece.

I met someone about 3 months ago and I told her I was ace and she was okay with it until like 3 weeks in she kept asking me to do things and I stated many times I didn’t want to be touched unless I said so and that I would be honest about it but no she kept saying how much she wanted to hug me and hold me and so I had to stop that interaction because I just added to my trauma. Kinda scared no one will respect or understand. Makes me feel like a selfish lover but I’m totally okay with the other person seeing someone else to get the fulfillment I can’t give them that they desire.

I don’t know why I just went on that rant but it felt good to say out loud well it wasn’t out loud but you get me haha

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

I'm glad that learning more about your own ace identity has been so positive for you, and that you're getting relief from realizing you don't have to engage in any physical things you don;t want to!

If you have questions about how romantic attraction fits into a an ace identity, I really like the breakdown in this article: Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer.