Scarleteen

Hello!
I have been really struggling with my sexual orientation. Ever since middle school I have had crushes on teachers in their 40's/50's. I would repress these feelings, and made myself believe I was asexual because I wasn't sexually interested in anyone my age. Last September I realized that I wasn't asexual, and went to a play party(orgy) and realized I am sexually interested in women who are in their 40s/50s.
I now do not know what to do with this realization.
I have dated 3 people my age, as someone who identified with asexuality. I don't want to date someone my age again knowing that I am not sexually attracted to them and not ever planning on being physically intimate. I would love to try to find love with someone I'm sexually attracted to, but there are some problems with this.
1. I currently have a job as a caregiver to an elderly lady, and if for whatever reason it gets out that I'm looking for a sugar momma, I don't want her or her family to be uncomfortable and me to lose my job. She is like a grandma to me, and I really care about her.
2. If my parents find out I am in a relationship with a sugar momma, I will be disowned. For years I felt at risk of being kicked out for my queer identity and struggles with mental illness, and now especially that I am not a minor a relationship with a sugar momma would be the last straw. A possible solution is that I move out, but there are some issues with that: I have a lot of pets, and I am close with my brother, they are a big part of my support system. If I moved out I would be lonely and heartbroken to be away from them. Also, where I live it is incredibly expensive, and I would have to work a lot more hours. The stress of my situation could put me in a bad mental health space.
Also, it would really suck to be disowned. I really care about my parents, and I want to be able to have a relationship with them. I don't want my parents to think I'm looking for a sugar momma because of "mommy issues", as I've had a difficult relationship with my mom.
3. I'm not sure how I would find a sugar momma other than through the dating app Her, which is a public platform. I don't want to be out as looking for a sugar momma because of reasons 1 and 2.
I'm 19 and have never been in a relationship or had my first kiss. I'm tired of being single. The play party may be an only one time thing because they changed the location to much farther away, so I haven't been intimate with anyone in a long time. I don't know what to do, I want to find love, please give advice.

Hi Sistine!

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through so many difficult feelings, especially the fear of losing your parents and potentially your home!

I do want to address you using the term 'Sugar Momma' which is usually associated with some sort of financial arangement and/or sex work, rather than dating! From what you've written above it sounds like you don't mean that, and are talking about just dating women who are older than you, is that right?

It is actually not unusual for people to date accross fairly big age gaps. There are often significant power imbalances in financial position, and knowledge or experience, which people might be concerned about. However it's not ok to judge you for it and definitely not ok to react by making you even more vulnerable ahead of time.

Your home situation sounds like the most difficult part of this, especially if there is a feeling that you are close to being disowned. If there is a risk of homelessness or any other danger to you, it could be a good idea to hold off dating until you have more of a plan that makes things feel safer.

You mentioned the potential of moving out, that sounds difficult but perhaps a good step to work towards... not necessarily just so you can date but also if it can help you have a bit more stability.

You can start considering:

- where else you might live
- what support you might need
- how you could maintain a relationship with your brother,
- how you could find an established house-share with good people (and maybe pets)

Do you think you could start making plans in that way? Even if there are reasons you might not feel ready to carry out those plans right now?

If you are looking to do online dating and it feels like something you could do safely, I would say that you don't have to put all your preferences on your public profile if you that will put you at risk, it could just be a part of your decision making when you exchange messages with individuals.

Now, with working as a carer: You are no threat to your client at all as far as I can hear. And there's no reason to think your dating preferences would have any impact on your professional boundaries. I think this part will be ok!

Bringing this all back together, there are lots of things we could worry about... but I think putting your wellbeing, privacy and safety first, rather than dating right away, could be a really good way to approach things.

How does that sound?

Its going to be difficult to wait, but I suppose it is true that making plans now would help. Thank you so much for responding.

Hi Sistine,

It can definitely be difficult to table things you're curious about exploring (like dating) to prioritize things related to your more immediate safety or security. You mention you feel like your parents are looking for a reason to kick you out. Can I ask what your home life with them is like in general? For instance, your parents pretty hostile or unsupportive of you overall?

I hope it's okay for me to chime in here.

It can definitely be difficult to put yourself out there while having parents who don't fully support you. From the sounds of things you are still quite close with your family, adding on to Sam's question, what do you think the biggest reasoning for them reacting poorly would be?

As far as a "sugar momma" and even dating apps, I'd really recommend that you reach out to others who may have a little experience in that area, especially if you're considering to go down the route of a sugar momma (which it doesn't sound like you are at this point, because as Jacob mentioned, typically they are more for financial benefit.) Either way you go research in how to protect your safety is extremely important. For me, I know there a lot of different ways I have met people, (including actually, a sugar daddy) there are serious things to consider about meeting someone online, especially if they are older.

I also want to say although it is nice to have your parents support if they play a large part in your life, sometimes it is helpful just to do things on your own. Now for me, that can be viewed a few different ways as I am a minor, but from what I understand, you're an adult. My parents don't know about a lot of the guys I talk to and in my case, thankfully I don't think my parents mind, but it's still not something I discuss with them. For the most part, unless it's something you need help from them with, they don't always need to know. They also don't know about the sugar daddy, but that's my choice because I feel they'd react poorly to that. My friends all do very similar things, I have another friend with a sugar daddy and his parents don't know either. My point in saying this is, unless you share this information, people typically have no idea. Now this may be a little different in terms of a relationship because there's the idea of wanting to share with people the person you are seeing. That's your decision though.

With all of this being said, it does sound like a good idea to, as Sam said, table things such as this for a little while and that can definitely be difficult. I think really looking into and doing research about these things could be helpful, but that's just what I've done in my experience, and that's not for everyone.

I also want to say, if you do end up seeing older women, (and this goes for anyone really, but specifically for when dating older people) you'll want to determine their motives for wanting to go out with someone younger. For example, is it that like you just being interested in older people, are they the same way, is it just the chance that they thought "hey, let's give this a go, you seem cool" or is it possibly for a reason that could harm you in any way.

I wish you the best of luck.

Sam W wrote:Hi Sistine,

It can definitely be difficult to table things you're curious about exploring (like dating) to prioritize things related to your more immediate safety or security. You mention you feel like your parents are looking for a reason to kick you out. Can I ask what your home life with them is like in general? For instance, your parents pretty hostile or unsupportive of you overall?

In the past my home life has been really difficult, and I used to be desperate to move out, but both me and my mom are in a much better head space so it's not that bad nowadays. My plan is to move out in January.

0PT1M15T1C wrote:I hope it's okay for me to chime in here.

I also want to say although it is nice to have your parents support if they play a large part in your life, sometimes it is helpful just to do things on your own. Now for me, that can be viewed a few different ways as I am a minor, but from what I understand, you're an adult. My parents don't know about a lot of the guys I talk to and in my case, thankfully I don't think my parents mind, but it's still not something I discuss with them. For the most part, unless it's something you need help from them with, they don't always need to know. They also don't know about the sugar daddy, but that's my choice because I feel they'd react poorly to that. My friends all do very similar things, I have another friend with a sugar daddy and his parents don't know either. My point in saying this is, unless you share this information, people typically have no idea. Now this may be a little different in terms of a relationship because there's the idea of wanting to share with people the person you are seeing. That's your decision though.

I wish you the best of luck.

I did not want my mom to know I'm queer, but she found out a year before I was planning on telling her. I do have other things she hasn't found out about, but there is never a 100% garantee that anything anyone does will stay a secret, especially with lack of privacy on the internet.

Nice to hear from you Sistine! How are you doing?