Scarleteen

I've had braces for a while now, and you've had them you'd know they get stuck or caught on absolutely everything. I've been talking to a lot of guys recently who I guess express interest in either receiving or giving blowjobs, and although I'm not at a point where I'm able/willing to have sex of any kind, including oral, it makes me wonder, is that even possible with braces? As another pointer, the orthodontist has put more hooks in my mouth, where normally there wouldn't be, and I mean, obviously you aren't supposed to use your teeth, but I just know how easily braces get caught on everything, and they shred it, they catch so easily too. Although yeah, it sounds interesting to do, I don't know how possible it is that the condom might catch or rip, or catch his skin and that scares me quite a bit. I don't think I need my mouth *attached* to him. I also don't want to hurt him, especially with the new hooks that got put in. Is there anything I should be wary about or is this just something I should avoid altogether, or possibly ask my ortho about? (I'd prefer not to ask him, but I can if I need to I guess) Is there anything I could do the help avoid complications? Although I don't plan on this for a while, it's something that does cross my mind a bit. Also, if things were to go further, should we change the condom just in case before moving to another activity? Also, I've read and heard that you can't use a flavoured condom for penetrative sex, I'd definitely use one for oral, because condoms otherwise taste so disgusting and that's not happening, but, do I need to also have a regular, non flavoured condom for other activities?

You know, I haven't ever personally noticed that condoms don't taste good. That said, if you're using lubricated condoms, a lot of lube doesn't taste good, for sure. And flavored condoms are absolutely one good option for safer oral sex! But yep, if you use them, they're for oral sex only.

To start this conversation, have you already worked out kissing with your braces yet? I ask because it really isn't much different than working it out for oral sex. Out lips and mouths, like our genitals, also are full of sensory nerve endings (so things that hurt can hurt more than other places), also have a lot of blood vessels (so cuts or abrasions can create more blood than seems warranted), and also are delicate.

If you haven't, what are you struggling with right now? How has communication gone with making out with people when it comes to talking about how to manage your braces?

Thank you for the response, Heather,

I meant lubricated condoms above, honestly never really seen ones that aren't and the ones my parents buy for my brother and I certainly are lubricated. I was curious and school doesn't show us much, so I opened one up and thought it would be funny to blow it up like a balloon and found out it tastes terrible. Good to know that flavoured ones are for oral only. I am curious, what's the reasoning behind not being able to use flavoured condoms for other activities? Is it partly because of the flavouring, I've read that sometimes it contains sugar or the pH value is something that affects is, is that something that causes problems?

I have little experience kissing with my braces, after my past it's something that scares me a little, especially after my ex who actually left me with multiple injuries after holding me down so he could kiss me and that was easy given he had at least 50 pounds on me, so It's not really something I enjoy anymore. When I do kiss someone I'm scared they're going to hurt me like what happened, which takes time to work through. What happened was before braces, but just the way everything felt has me feeling gross about it. That's a feeling that still makes me cringe, I have been able to be honest and say I *hate*, and I mean absolutely hate when someone kisses my neck, and thankfully any guys I talk to are chill about that piece now and respect that boundary.

Even knowing that like yeah, they have more blood vessels I'd prefer not to deal with the possibility of cutting my partner or hurting him whatsoever. That doesn't sound fun at all. Delicate skin and sharp metal don't really go hand in hand.

The braces when I did kiss someone didn't make a major difference, just something I had to be aware of, and honestly, I pulled away just because I wasn't comfortable, so it didn't really go on for that long. The person never mentioned my braces after we kissed, but especially now that I have stakes (I swear I don't get how they called them hooks, they are literal tiny stakes in my mouth and figures, they're on two of my more front teeth) it makes me worry a bit more. I could probably use a little more experience with kissing though, just to experiment with what my braces are like during that. I don't really even know how to bring it up with the other person just because it feels kind of embarrassing to say that I don't really know what I'm doing, especially with the braces. The guys I talk to don't care about the visual appeal of braces (also, I like them visually) but I don't know where to start with talking to them about managing that part. I don't think a lot of them even take the braces into account which could be because they don't think it would cause problems or it could be because they just haven't given it any thought.

I'm sorry to have brought up something that was traumatic for you. Thanks for filling me in, and my apologies to have opened that up.

You know, in the last paragraph, you say it would feel embarrassing to...well, communicate about the kinds of things we often need to with people during any kind of sex. Talking about logistical things like this -- anything physical or emotional we need top manage, what feels good, what doesn't, what we're worried might hurt someone in some way, our STI status, etc. -- is part of being sexual with other people. If you don't feel comfortable doing that with anyone you're talking to yet, then I'd say that either those people aren't people you're comfortable enough with yet to make any kind of sex with them a great idea, or maybe you're just not comfortable enough yet with any of this in general to be sexual with other people in these ways yet, you know?

Can I ask how you and the guys you're talking to have connected, and how you've gotten to talking about potentially being sexual together? And if you're talking about things like oral sex (or they are), is this where you're starting, or have you ben able to more gradually build the kind of trust to go with that level of intimacy, as well as gradually building up to something like oral sex -- like if you're considering oral sex with that person, have you two at least been physical together in other, less high-stakes ways first?

The issue with the flavoring is the sugars or other additives, yep. That's generally a much bigger issue with vulvovaginal health, but I'd personally stick to the unflavored types for any anal use, as well. Too, because teeth are part of the equation, and teeth by themselves -- braces or no! -- can create tiny tears or abrasions in the condom, I'd use a new condom for other kinds of sex regardless.

Honestly what happened isn't something I hide anymore, I'm fine talking about it, I just know other people possibly reading it, might not want to hear about what happened. You don't have to apologise, it's something that's a part of my life, and part of that is working on trusting now. It's just something that kind of just is at this point.

As far as being embarrassed, I'm pretty open to them about what happened to me and how I need them to pay attention and also go slow. I'm also pretty honest in the fact that I haven't done anything that wasn't wrapped in trauma, so I don't have experience, and they're honest in what they've done sexually (usually a lot). For most of what you mentioned, we do actually talk a little bit about, it's just feels strange to say "Yeah, so, I've never done this before and I'm scared my braces will cut you. Also, no idea what I'm doing." I don't know that just seems so strange to me. Possibly asking him at the time what he wants done? (Yes, there's asking before but I mean so I can visually see what he means.) Also, when we talk about it, I find the easiest way to do so is I ask him to send me a few examples of what he finds really attractive and I do the same. As well as when he brings up what he might want to do, I'll pick out the things I'm not interested or not willing to try, he does the same usually, but for what I mention, it seems pretty straight forward. What I'm trying to get at is that there is a lot of communication whether it be while we're turned on or if we're not, I think both is important so nothing is missed. I've never been judged by any of the guys for not having done anything yet. It's only the braces piece that has me embarrassed.

So there's a few different ways I've met and talked to these guys, there's an app similar to tinder, most people just use it to connect with others near them whether it be to talk, be friends, hook up, any of that. A lot of times we start messaging for a little while to see if there's any point in continuing to talk, like seeing if we click at all, at this point I tell them I'm trans and make it very clear that it's up to them if that is okay for them or not. (Idk, I've heard some trans people say it's transphobic, but if you're gay, you might not want a trans guy, who doesn't have a penis, and that's fine), sometimes they say they aren't into it and other times they don't care. After what happened with my ex, I was stealth and he had no idea I was trans which when he chose to hurt me, put me in even more of a dangerous place, so I'm honest about it now, and do it over text for safety. Going from there it's typically seeing if the other person is up for going to a movie, going to the mall, maybe grabbing a bite to eat, all in public places and depending on the person, bringing friends from both sides to act as buffers. While we're texting both of us talk about what exactly we're looking for, and sometimes this turns into more of a fun sexual convo, if we're both turned on. That's been a good way for me to start reconnecting with my body a little bit after some of the things that have happened, whether it be with my ex, or sexual abuse that I went through, to being trans and not feeling comfortable all the time with my body. It's also helpful to find what sounds fun and interesting to me and what doesn't.

Either that or they go to my school, but I'm thinking talking to the guy that threatened to beat me up with a group of friends, probably isn't the safest guy to be around... even if he's cute..

For me, I plan to do this in the future, it's not something I'm planning for like this weekend, just down the road when I'm at a place where I feel comfortable and ready. The steps I mentioned above are pretty standard for what most people do where I live. Both of us get the chance to meet, do what we want, see where we want things to go, and then we can make the decision together from there, whether it be doing nothing or something else. Also just looking for signs at all times that things may be headed in the wrong direction is important, when I'm talking to these guys, I'm taking everything into account, including height and weight, tone of voice, what they are interested in (for example, one person wanted to tie me up, and while experimenting for the first time), that is not what I need, I also don't need to be constrained while I'm in a possibly triggering situation.

A big piece is just that I really don't want to continue being scared when I know and I hear that this can be fun. My cousin and I talk pretty openly about sex, and oh my, the amount she's willing to talk about being safe (She took an STI course and has no one else to tell it to, so now I get to listen.) Even though it's frustrating I still know I need to take the time, the thought just came up that I'm going to have braces for quite a while, and it got me thinking about how that would even work. These things suck sometimes. Going slow, and trusting the person I'm with is going to be extremely important, I also want to mention that I talk about what it looks like when hard feelings are coming up or I'm feeling triggered but something so that they are aware of that.

And cool, so if things happen, I'll definitely make sure to have a few with me, and typically they have them as well.

It certainly sounds like you're doing a lot of communication with guys you might be intimate with, and that's great! When it comes to your braces, I don't think there's anything additional you need to add beyond something like "if you feel the braces and it's uncomfortable, let me know so I can adjust." Do you have a sense of why navigating your braces feels more embarrassing than discussing other details about where you may or may not be sexually compatible, or what you think you'll enjoy?

I think the main thing is like I've seen photos of the aftermath of what happens when braces get caught, and I just think if something did happen it would be so embarrassing on my part to have done that I think I'll to bring it up a little more, especially phrasing it a little differently, I like the way you put it being viewed as uncomfortable rather than worst case scenario. Talking about what we might want to do comes from more of a place of experimentation and fun, or at least that's what I'm working on and typically talking about it, we're both "in the mood" to be honest. I just don't want him to be hurt in any way because of what we're doing, talk about a bad first time. Especially if we're trying to be discrete about what we're doing. It's also just not something that I can easily discuss with a lot of people. It's also just partly a safety thing, like I really don't want the condom to break or something, I know how to put them on, that's honestly pretty straightforward but ripping one would be another story. Then there's the fact of just really talking about that I don't have any idea how to do to do this, and in the moment, I hope that it'll make sense, but I don't want him to be frustrated if I get nervous or anything like that. It just feels strange, because at the same time, the way it's been explained to me, those stakes I mentioned are going right into my lip, which isn't fun, if I put dental wax over my brackets would that do any harm? I completely forgot I even had that (I don't use it, ever because I'm fine with dealing with a little pain here and there from being stabbed, I only use it when I get hit in the head in soccer and it shreds my lips and leaves my bracket and lip joined together.)

You know, I don't know if this helps to know, but as an almost-50-year-old person with a pretty varied and rich sexual life over several decades, I have more than my fair share of awkward or embarrassing (or what seem like they should be embarrassing, anyway) or silly or weird or even painful (in the trip-to-the-ER kind of way) sexual memories. Like, a lot of them, honestly, and I think that's mostly just because it's really common to have all of those kinds of things happen with sex.

A lot of people seem to have the idea -- especially when younger, but not only -- that sex is like it is in movies, where it's all perfectly choreographed and timed and balanced and lit in flattering ways and without weird noises and edited perfectly. But honestly, that's just not my experience of how sex in real life often works, and I think what people also don't realize is all that awkward or weird or goofy or even trip-to-the-ER stuff is also where a lot of intimacy comes in: it's where we're really real with each other and human with each other. It is, IMHO, actually some of the good parts of sex, rather than something to be avoided.

I do think it's fine for you to use dental wax, for sure. But I also think that just having the kinds of conversations about this Mo and I have brought up is also a way to go. Something else that hasn't been brought up yet is that if and when you engage in oral sex, learning to keep your teeth -- all by themselves, and I'm talking about the parts braces don't cover in the first place -- from hurting a partner is also just part of this kind of sex, and a lot of that just has to do with everyone involved being careful and not getting too quick or aggressive, and also with finding angles, by experimenting, that make it easiest to keep your teeth behind your lips or covered with your tongue. The good news is that the parts of your teeth where the hardware really is with braces are already usually covered, too.

Although it definitely makes me feel a bit better hearing that sex can be quite awkward, and that it can be quite common, honestly, I’d prefer to stay out of the ER. I don’t even know how that would happen and I definitely don’t want to explain something, like that, to my parents. Its also really nice to hear, that in your experience, the possibly embarrassing parts, can be some of the really good parts of sex.

I think the dental wax piece is just to make me feel a little more comfortable knowing that even if I mess up, it puts a barrier in place. Also, if it’s being pressed against my lips, that could cause pain for me, so just a barrier in case. I don’t plan to use my teeth for oral, obviously. I think I was placing a lot more on what could happen with the braces than what’s realistic. I also talked to my friend who has done some of these things with braces without problems.

I think being able to talk about it like this makes me a lot more comfortable in bringing up with a possible parter, especially framing it more in the way that Mo did. I think being able to communicate with my partner and asking him whether he enjoys what I’m doing, or asking him what I can do to adjust it so it’s a little better. Same goes when he wants to do things to me (which I’m kind of excited for that part as well) is being able to say what we both want/need.

May I ask, was this something in your experience, that just took time to get better at? Like obviously, things the first time are going to be a little more awkward than maybe the 100th time. Was it just something that in time you got more used to and comfortable around? I also know that you yourself has experience trauma, was there anything that helped you?

This all sounds good to me!

In your last paragraph there, are you asking about sex in general, or communication, or something specific...? Just not totally clear, but if you can get me clear, I'm happy to answer those questions.

Mainly I meant with sex in general, and actually having/doing it. I’m struggling to phrase it in a way that isn’t weird but also one that makes sense.
With actually experimenting with with sex, and in my case right now this would be oral, was that something that took time to in a way get better at doing? The communication piece I think is pretty straightforward at least now that I know a good way to frame part of it (words aren’t always my thing.) The main thing is right now, I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing, which I’m guessing is partly where communication will be important but knowing how to do things, is that something that just gets easier or better with time? Does that make sense?

And with the last piece, before I actually made an account I really dove into some of the topics on here and learned a bit from that, both about people’s experiences and also about other parts. Doing so I found you’ve been through trauma, but also seem to maintain a healthy sex life now, so I guess what I’m asking with that is there anything that helped you in recovering from that trauma? The only experience I have were not good ones and things that still really affect me. But I also know that this is something I want to do, so I’m curious apart from communication and being open with my partner about what happened, what was helpful for you? I think one problem for me is the fact that one of the people who hurt me, has been stalking me and had their boyfriend send me death threats, so they continue to be an ass, and I still have to deal with it every day. I think that might play a bit into that I still struggle with working on moving past it, because it’s still ongoing. All my time in therapy is spent addressing what’s still happening and we can’t focus on healing.

I’m hoping this all makes a little more sense or is more clear.

That helps, thanks!

The place I want to start is by saying that with a new partner, we will rarely "know what we are doing," and that'll often be the case for a good deal of the start of our sex life. And even once we get more familiar and learn each other's unique sexualities, bodies and responses, we *still* will not often know what we're doing. The idea we should, or even worse, that we must is, I think a false idea about what sex is and what it means to be a good partner and comfortable with sex: in a word, it suggests we should or must be "experts."

But really, not only can we not be, because we're all just way, way too diverse, I think some of the whole point of sex with people, really, is that we are sharing an experience that is an adventure, not one or more people directing a pre-written script. I've always been comfortable not knowing things.

If we're talking about me and my comfort with that, in particular, I'm afraid I had some generational help. By and large, a lot of people my age grew up totally taking care of ourselves -- so often had to constantly be doing things we were not experts at -- but we also were left to our own devices a lot including our own curiosities. I'd say we all felt a lot more comfortable with open-ended adventure vs. known expertise than most, if you get me. That said, I really do think it can be as simple as just working on letting go of that idea and trying on that new one: that sex isn't about knowing all the things to do and how to do them, it's about the process of experimenting and experiencing something that's pretty unique every time (especially if we all stay interested in it). I also generally am a person, and always have been, who appreciates new experiences and likes not knowing what to do and getting the opportunity to learn.

I think one tricky thing, though, with that view -- and with being comfortable doing things you don't feel like you're an expert at -- and trauma is that that means less control. The idea we can know all of what we're doing in a sexual interaction also suggests we can have the control that would give us, over our own bodies and selves, but also with other people. I do think, thinking back, that my way of feeling some of that control (so I could feel safe) probably involved thinking I knew more than other people by virtue of having more experience. In some ways that would have been true, but that also doesn't strike me as mostly true, nor as the best way to get that feeling of safety. I mean, the best feeling of safety is when it's actually real, you know?

So, if you think some of this is about control/safety in terms of past trauma, I'd think more about some sounder, more real ways to get that that also don't put pressure on you to be a sex expert, things like only choosing partners you have built some trust with over time, for instance, or making sure to communicate clear limits and boundaries, or negotiating some things in advance?

You don't have to know how to do anything except in the moment, and we only can do that by communicating with our partner, not just at first, but all the time. Over time, a lot of that communication will often shift from verbal to non-verbal, but when we're doing it right, it's all still there, even when it's subtle. So, maybe you can let go some of the idea you have to know what you're doing, and instead focus on that you just have to be communicating and experimenting/exploring in ways right for you and whoever else you're with?

In terms of the bigger issue of recovering from trauma, for sure, getting space away from those who have done me harm was a big one. You're right, it's much harder to try and recover when in any way it's still ongoing or you're still reminded of it. (Do you want any help taking action with that person you mentioned, btw?) Therapy was a big help for me. I think that one thing for me, sexually, was often being the person to initiate sexual interactions or relationships: that was something for me that I think made me feel safer and in more control, like those other things I brought up up there.

I think in my case too, though, my trauma was mostly violent loss, sexual assault from strangers (and not in any situation that resembled dating or even hooking up) and family abuse, rather than the kind of abuse you have suffered within a dating relationship. I do think that usually is going to be harder to deal with in sexual life, for all the obvious reasons. One thing you should be sure you're doing, if you're not already, is giving yourself all the time and space you need. If and when you aren't ready for anything sexual or it just does not work with your trauma, be sure you're letting yourself have that instead of trying to force it or giving yourself grief to "get past it."

If I have it right, it sounds like you're doing a lot of sexual communication right now with people where you don't or aren't (yet or period) seeing them in person, and that actually sounds like a really great practice to me to get more comfortable, including with communicating as you need to about your trauma, and be sexual in a way that probably feels really safe.

I know that was all a little scattered, but hopefully it gives some good places to start, at least!

Hey there! I wanted to chime in briefly, just because my trauma *does* come from a past, long-term dating experience, so I thought that could be helpful.

It sounds like you're already setting yourself up for success, as Heather and Mo pointed out, by communicating with potential partners ahead of time. That's really impressive. In my own experience, just practicing communicating my needs like that helped me to take back my power little by little over time and heal.

I would also say that affirming new partnerships are *everything.* A partner who listens to you and affirms your trauma, wants to actively aide in your healing, etc. does a world of good for your feeling of safety in a relationship. You just have to use your survivor-senses to filter through people and find the ones whose presence makes you feel safe. It should get easier with time.

Also! When someone is attracted to you and you're considering/having sex together, whether you can feel it wholely or not, you *are* in your sexual power. You are wanting and wanted. For me, that transcends my feelings of awkwardness when I'm with a new person or feel like I'm unfamiliar with having a type of sex. It also restores some of my sense of control. You are entering this interaction from a place of strength and desire -- try your best to channel that, even when things are unfamiliar.

Thank you both for responding.
Just for organizations sake I’m going to respond to each in order as best I can.


Heather,
I think what you said here really helps a lot, “ with a new partner, we will rarely "know what we are doing," and that'll often be the case for a good deal of the start of our sex life. And even once we get more familiar and learn each other's unique sexualities, bodies and responses, we *still* will not often know what we're doing”. I think a big part of the concern I had is that I’d be new to this and he wouldn’t, but from what I’m understanding is that that isn’t the case. With every person will be different and it’ll take time to learn what the other person likes and dislikes. I think it makes me feel a lot more comfortable that they will most like be as unsure as I am in what we are doing, and that it’s not going to be one sided. That being said I still want to have a bit of background, and I think I have that with being safe in my decisions.


I also want to clarify this piece a little, my ex did one piece, he held me down and I’d prefer not to get into the rest as it’s long and complicated. The other person was a friend who abused me for two years, told me if I didn’t have sex they’d kill themselves as well as other things.

Thanks for your offer and concern, but I’m already doing everything in my power to make the issue actually be seen, as what they have and continue to do isn’t okay. I’m not even sure what you could really do about this, hopefully my mom gets around to sending the letter to my school.

I’ll definitely keep this piece in mind “ You don't have to know how to do anything except in the moment, and we only can do that by communicating with our partner, not just at first, but all the time”

And yeah, there’s just a tiny age difference and time difference between us, I’m 15... so it’s a little different but thank you. I mean, how cool is the internet lol.

I think yeah, being able to trust the person that I might be intimate with bit to hurt me is a big thing, because I do think part of it was control, I’ve always lived if a kind of basis that if I’m educated then I can’t be hurt. I don’t know if that makes a whole lot of sense, but healing for me has always involved fully understanding the situation.

I think really “scoping out” the guy is important looking for warning signs, I still do that with friends. I didn’t realize a friend could be the one to hurt me (looking back it was truly just an abusive friendship all around) and my ex boyfriend holding me down, I probably could’ve been a little more careful in what I was doing, maybe hanging out alone that soon wasn’t the greatest idea. (Not to say it was my fault, he had no right to do what he use to, I just mean that maybe it’s something to be cautious of.

I’m working on telling my therapist the other pieces that happened to me, but that’ll take time and I’ll get there when I’m comfortable enough.

I’ve definitely been working on giving myself the time first and understanding my triggers, which I used to just avoid rather than recognize them. I’m starting to explore masturbation more and want to get a lot more comfortable in that before adding another person into the mix.

It definitely helps to talk online to see what comes up when we’re exploring it through texting, also, that’s fun I’m not going to lie. It helps to take my mind off of exactly what happened and instead notice how the person I’m talking to is turned on and respecting me while we are talking. Too, it’s fun to know that I’m turned on by them and vice versa, that it’s us, not some other person from the past who decided my consent was less important than their desires.
There’s no way I kept that in order, so I hope it all makes sense.

And thank you so much, that really does help a lot in so many ways. Even if it’s not the same experience I’ve had.

Alexa,

I definitely find that communicating with them and having that barrier before we do anything in person helps me, it gives me a sense of how they react when I say I’m not interested and it’s helpful to find out *before*. I don’t fully understand how communication isn’t hot, because I love when it’s not made to stop everything but rather, “I want to do this, is that cool” it’s quick and easy to respond to.

There’s definitely that in having an affirming partner, I typically stop communication when all they want to do to accommodate is “well I’m not them, I won’t hurt you” it’s more than that, it’s the triggers and making sure I’m (and they are) comfortable enough to continue. And watching out for when non-verbal signs come up that something isn’t right.

I find talking to them, as I mentioned above can feel really empowering when I’m interested in what we’re doing. I like when a few of the guys I’ve told after me telling them what happened to me, they respond with “what would you be comfortable with” or that they respond by putting me in power of what happens. —with them feeling comfortable of course. And that’s fun, I’m not going to lie, because usually, they are on board, granted I feel like my ideas are pretty basic, at least for now. I’m hoping it will do the same in person as far as transcending that awkwardness, and hopefully if things get awkward we can just laugh about it.
And for sure, I’ll do my best to remember this “ You are entering this interaction from a place of strength and desire -- try your best to channel that, even when things are unfamiliar.”

Thank you to both of you this really just makes me feel so much more confident and less embarrassed about all of it.
Sex definitely doesn’t have to be perfect and my cousin lectured me on that one as far as some ways to make the first time easier. (We’re close and have great conversations about this sort of thing.)

I'm so glad what w've had to offer is useful to you! And how cool is the internet, indeed! Access to multi-generational perspectives we wouldn't have otherwise is totally one of the big bonuses of it, I agree.

Just a couple follow-ups while they're fresh in my mind!

It definitely helps to talk online to see what comes up when we’re exploring it through texting, also, that’s fun I’m not going to lie. It helps to take my mind off of exactly what happened and instead notice how the person I’m talking to is turned on and respecting me while we are talking. Too, it’s fun to know that I’m turned on by them and vice versa, that it’s us, not some other person from the past who decided my consent was less important than their desires.

What I hear you describing here is a safe, fun way to be sexual that also develops your sexual communication skills and confidence. Seriously, I think it's genius, and it sounds like you really are very good at being creative with all of this.

Also, when it comes to the bit about us being newbies to every new partner, I'm not sure everyone realizes that. I mean, for sure, I have -- and probably most people will in a lifetime, alas -- had partners who obviously thought sex was something they learn how to do in a very one-size-fits-all kind of way, and who have thought that good at sex = good at doing X activity in a way that worked for one partner rather than good at sex = being communicative, responsive and tailoring what we do together to the unique people we are. Those folks who come to sex thinking it's about learning how to do a thing, then come in with what they know from someone else and the idea that's The Way? Not great partners. And that's often putting it mildly. It can literally sometimes feel like someone is having sex with you...but they think you're someone else.

So, it might well be that sometime you encounter a partner who doesn't take this view. But in my experience, if you can be gentle about it and let them know that you're in to learn each other over time and that you know neither of you could possibly know what to do with the other, having just started to be together in that way, those folks are often relieved and pretty liberated by that info.

I'll definitely keep that in mind, the main thing I meant was it made me feel a little more comfortable saying I'm learning how to do this, and that I don't have much experience, but I'm willing to learn what suits him, as long as he's willing to do the same and both of us can be patient with that.

"It can literally sometimes feel like someone is having sex with you...but they think you're someone else." That certainly doesn't sound fun, at all. And what you've mentioned is something I keep in mind, with these guys I've been talking to, none of us are looking for relationships, more just causal sex, and I think that helps a little in certain aspects. I'll definitely bring it into the convo that neither of us truly know each other in the way out bodies are and that it'll take some exploring.

A few of the guys it's so funny to joke around with when we're talking about this and I'm realizing it'll probably be similar in person. A lot of the time they don't know how to ask questions about being trans because they don't want to offend me, which I'm going to be honest is hard to do. The way they phrase the questions sets me up for really good jokes, I love the "so I'm assuming no front" line because I can easily lead into explanation being funny and sexy at the same time, total win. It makes our conversations so much better when I can have a good time sexually and be able to joke and take any hard feelings off.

I honestly thought my self harm scars would be a bigger deal to guys, but usually they don't care about them (they care if I'm okay but don't care about the visual appeal, which shocks me so much of the time. My biggest insecurities, typically don't even cross their minds. The only thing they have a problem understanding is that the binder, stays on. I guess it doesn't make sense to a lot of people how I'm willing to be vulnerable in other ways but won't show them my chest. For me I can't even imagine them seeing me without a binder. Is that strange?

Thank you again.

A few of the guys it's so funny to joke around with when we're talking about this and I'm realizing it'll probably be similar in person.

I love this!! I think that especially if you've felt worried about awkwardness before, this is such a good and cute sign. To me, it means that you all are willing to laugh through what you don't understand and have fun figuring it out together.

My biggest insecurities, typically don't even cross their minds

I feel this so much. When I was first having sex, there were soooo many little things I worried about -- stretch marks, scars, fat deposits, who knows what -- and to be honest, they were never mentioned to me by my partners at all. Or at least, not in a negative way. Some of the things I was most worried about actually ended up being things my partners loved.

I hope seeing this pattern over time helps you to feel more more confident, within and outside the realm of sex.

Re: wearing your binder during sex, that's not strange at all! This article we have on dating while trans is great and might be useful to you. There's a section on navigating sex while trans that includes setting boundaries with partners about what parts of your body they can/can't interact with, navigating what you'd like your body parts to be called, etc. The long and short of it -- and really, for any person of any gender having sex -- is that you're fully entitled to have the sex you want to have, with boundaries firmly in place that allow you to enjoy yourself and be safe. If your binder does that for you, then that's okay! Speaking of which, do you feel like you've got the info on how to wear binders safely? If you'd like a resource, this article is great.

That's awesome to hear actually. Self harm scars don't have to be a sad thing, they're something I deal with for sure, but they don't define me. My stomach was also a big one for that, I was extremely self concious because my body isn't set up like a typical cis males, and it's nearly impossible for me to get the bottom two abs, for me being an athlete I always felt self concious but guys have only ever said that they like my stomach. Still suprises me every time they bring it up.

Thank you, the article did help, moreso the first one just because I just find there's a major difference between wearing a binder safely and knowing how to wear a binder safely. In so many cases the guidelines are just not realistic. 8 hours, that's less than my school day, not to mention getting there and back, or sports, or going out with family. The most you can do is aim for it and try your best sometimes, that being said, doctors usually aren't too happy with you if it causes problems. I did take it off after seeing this though, so there's that. As far as terms, I for sure use those to make things more comfortable and partner may mess up once or twice but it just takes a quick correction. For me it's kind of weird, outside of being sexual, I'm 100% okay with anatomical terms but never when things turn sexual. Also, good to know it's not strange to wear my binder for sex, I feel so disgusted by my chest and that's not something that's fixed with reassurance or being told "It's cute". Although it's helpful I have a really small chest, it's still not something I like at all. I'm thinking if they can't handle that I don't want them seeing my chest we probably shouldn't go any further, even if there's no way in hell he's getting my binder off without scissors, these things are tight yo. The person I'm with should be able to respect it, I don't understand the appeal of a chest anyways.

I didn't really realize how fun this could be, for so long I thought I was just broken, that I'd never be able to and I mean.. it feels good in more ways than one knowing I'm making progress with my body and that they don't have control over my body anymore. It's kind of crazy to me and I'm so happy with myself. I brought it up with my therapist (and I want to be clear she was not being judgemental and it was far more encouraging) it was kind of almost a "good luck feeling like you'll never be able to be sexual, we are all sexual beings (outside the realm of asexuality, we were talking about me in particular because I am SO not ace).

0PT1M15T1C wrote:
I didn't really realize how fun this could be, for so long I thought I was just broken, that I'd never be able to and I mean.. it feels good in more ways than one knowing I'm making progress with my body and that they don't have control over my body anymore. It's kind of crazy to me and I'm so happy with myself. I brought it up with my therapist (and I want to be clear she was not being judgemental and it was far more encouraging) it was kind of almost a "good luck feeling like you'll never be able to be sexual, we are all sexual beings (outside the realm of asexuality, we were talking about me in particular because I am SO not ace).

just wanted to say YAY! that is super exciting, 0PT1M15T1C Congrats on feeling the good feelings, the excitement, and the encouragement that comes along with discovering more and more about your sexuality.

I'm really glad that you're feeling like you're making progress, and that there's fun and enjoyment in your future when it comes to sex and intimacy. That's always a really wonderful thing to hear.