Scarleteen

So before I start, let me just say, I am not interested in doing BDSM until I’m 18. So please don’t freak out in the replies.

So, I’m 15, I want a girlfriend but I only want someone with a dominating personality. The problem is, those girls are the most difficult to approach.

I want someone who is dominant, not because I want to do femdom, but for the simplest reason in the book. I’m only attracted to dominant girls.

Any tips for how to find someone that I’d be compatible with?

Hi SubmissiveDude1,

A helpful starting place would be to think about what, exactly, a dominant partner looks like to you. Does it mean someone who always takes charge? Someone who has a strong sense of their wants and boundaries? Something else? We sometimes think of terms like dominant and submissive as having very clear cut meanings that everyone agrees on, but actually those meanings can vary from person to person. Knowing what "dominant" means to you can help you figure out what traits you're looking for in a potential partner. Too, once you're old enough to use things like dating apps, there will be places you can go or platforms you can use that are designed to help people interested in dom/sub dynamics find potential partners.

Another thing to do would be to think about what other traits you want in a partner. Are there certain values or beliefs you hope to have in common with them? Is it important to you that a partner have a sense of humor, or be outgoing, or be reliable? Thinking about those other traits will help you identify people you'd want to date more easily.

You may already know this, but it would also be helpful to start managing your expectations around this sooner rather than later. Even someone who enjoys being dominant, or is pretty take charge in their daily life, is going to have days where they don't want to be the one making all the decisions, or days where they need support and comfort. Having that in mind will make it easier to remember that dominance is not the only part of a potential partners personality; it's one part of many that goes into the person you'd be building a relationship with.

I guess what I would mean by dominant is someone who would be assertive, outgoing and wouldn’t hesitate to make fun of me, also wouldn’t hesitate on getting me to do stuff for them, or someone who would call me out on my shit. I have a pretty clear idea about what I’m looking for, and I understand that everyone is human and needs support and whatnot. The thing is, I’m not good with girls in the first place and the type of girl that I’m looking for is even harder to approach

So perhaps the place to start - as it so often is when we're looking for a partner - is to start building up your confidence in social situations in general? There's this idea that being "good with girls" is it's own particular skill - which I actually think just makes it scarier when trying to talk to someone you find attractive!

In reality, being "good with girls" is not much different to being "good with people". Getting comfortable with talking to people you don't know too well, being genuinely interested in them and the things they have to say, and helping a conversation flow is probably the most important skill when it comes to dating of any kind. You don't have to approach someone and immediately ask them to date you, or set out the kind of relationship you're interested in; relationships build out of low-key social interactions, and the more people you engage with, the more chances there are of getting to know someone you're really interested in.

What if, instead of "I am going to try to start a relationship with a dominant girl" your goal for the day was "I'm going to start short conversations with two people I don't know well"?