I'm a trans girl terrified of HRT

[transfemandgay]

Hi so I feel like this is like dumb but here we go.

I'm a 17 year old trans girl. I'm a junior and I've identified as a girl since freshman year. Everyone, students and teachers, call me by my name and use my pronouns and such. But, I haven't socially transitioned (clothes, hairstyle, etc) nor have I medically transitioned yet. I can't due to my situation with my parents. I still think about how I will transition when I move out, though.

The reason I'm trans is because of an early exposure to porn. Whenever I would watch it, I would always identify with the woman in the video. I wanted to be the woman, I wanted to feel what she was feeling, I wanted to be in that position. At the time, this made me very confused, and it gave me major dysphoria. I desperately wanted a vagina and wanted gender reassignemnt surgery asap, but I didn't know what being trans was until making some queer friends in middle school. At the time, I still didn't even think of myself as trans. But somewhere after finding the kink friendly and queer friendly sides of Tumblr and Twitter and Reddit, I came to love my dick. I felt my dick was a part of who I am femme wise and that, with my sex drive and sexual nature, is a very large part of what makes me feel female. I'm a sex-loving girl with a dick and there's nothing wrong with that. Dysphoria obviously hits hard every now and then, but I love having my dick and I don't think gender reassignment surgery is right for me anymore.

But I've known for a very long time that I want to go on HRT to develop tits. I wouldn't feel complete without them. Problem is, from what I've researched, HRT would lower my sex drive, sterilize me, and ruin my ability to get hard and cum. I know implants are an option but I want tits that are made from me and not just silicone. This leaves me with a really bad dilemma.

1. Going without HRT would leave me with top dysphoria for the rest of my life.
2. Going on HRT would fix my top dysphoria but then amplify my bottom dysphoria.

Are there any options I don't know about or haven't considered??? Anything I think is true but actually isn't??? This problem has plagued my mind for years and I think hearing it from someone directly would help me.

[Siân]

Of course this isn't dumb!

Making choices about if and how to transition is really personal, and there is no "right" way to go about it. Do you have a healthcare provider or therapist that you have been able to talk through these thoughts with?

It's great that you've found confidence in having girldick - your anatomy certainly doesn't define your gender! It sounds too like your sexuality is a big part of your identity overall, so I can understand why anything that might impact that could feel scary.

In terms of separating fact from fiction, you're right about some of the effects of hormone therapy: it is likely to decrease the frequency and hardness of your erections, decrease your sperm count to the point you may be sterile (many women will freeze their sperm before starting hormones), and change the amount/character of your ejaculate. I think that the thing that's missing here though, is that that doesn't mean no more sex! And it certainly doesn't mean no more orgasms.

Often, transwomen report that hormone therapy changes the kinds of sex that they're interested in, and opens up new avenues of sensation and enjoyment even as others become less central. Some also say that orgasm becomes less of a single intense peak, and more of a longer-lasting, whole-body experience. How does that sound to you?

You say you know you're trans from watching porn (I don't imagine it "made you" trans - but I get that that might have been what made you realise). Porn though, whilst it can be fun to watch, tends to misrepresent how most people, and particularly transwomen and femmes, actually have sex. Have you spent any time thinking about what your sexual experience might actually look like if you chose to have hormone therapy?

[transfemandgay]

I go to Planned Parenthood occasionally for STI/STD tests but the one I go to doesn’t do HRT. I also don’t have a therapist and likely won’t get one until I move out.

As for sex, I never??? Really understood what sex on HRT is actually like??? Masturbation and sex with a cis male body is generally very straight forward but I have no idea how to have sex when transitioned. I don’t understand what sex is for a trans woman if they can’t insert, stroke, or ejaculate.

The only thing that does make sense to me is anal play. I’ve tried anal play with my girlfriend and I don’t know how to make that work either? The vibrator or strap on just doesn’t feel good (but I suspect that’s due to a lack of experience).

I generally try to look for more queer friendly porn now that I’m more educated. This is almost 95% of the time art that’s drawn on Twitter and Reddit. Plus I’ve started reading fanfic to supplement for the fact that mainstream porn has like 0 emotion and cute fluff in it. But from my experience with porn, whether mainstream, drawn, queer friendly, written, etc., it seems like everyone thinks trans girls are just cis girls with a dick attached. That their bodies are absolutely perfect and matching to that of a cis girl except that they have a dick and can get hard and fuck and cum normally. So now I don’t know how to combat that thought in my head where I think I need to be like that, too. And I’m pretty sure being at the point where you’re looking up f*tanari and tr*p and s*ssy porn art because you’re so desperate to see girls with dicks isn’t healthy. And, a lot of my sexual fantasies require a dick that can get hard and cum.

Uh yeah plz help educate me on sex and porn as a trans girl.

[Sam W]

Hi transfemandgay,

Okay! The first place I want to direct you is to this section of our Trans Summer School: Trans Summer School: Dating While Trans, Yes You Can!. The title references dating, but the article itself covers both masturbation and partnered sex as a trans person. You might also get a lot of use out of "F*cking Trans Women," which is a guide for and by trans women about sex: https://payhip.com/b/hRtK. As you mentioned yourself, part of figuring out how to masturbate or have partnered sex while on HRT is going to be experimentation and practice.

When it comes to finding representation of trans women having sex that isn't just "a cis girl but with a dick" can I ask if the creators of the images and fic you've sought out have been trans women themselves?

Too, with seeking therapy, is there a reason you think you won't be able to access it until you move out?

[transfemandgay]

Yeah so a good chunk are queer or queer friendly but all of them, as far as I can tell, are not trans women. One person I like in particular is a cishet male who uses the term f*tanari when drawing trans women, so....... not ideal.

As for therapy, I know for a fact that I suffer with depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria but I’ll never get a diagnosis until I move out cause my parents, even three years after an incident that should’ve definitely gotten me therapy, havent/refuse to get me one. And I’ve given up trying to convince them so I’ll just wait it out.

Also I’m still incredibly confused on how to masturbate and have sex on HRT? I understand I’ll need to experiment and communicate with my partner but where do I even start if I can’t do the straight forward methods?

[Sam W]

One avenue then, would be when you're next exploring creators, looking specifically for trans women. That might narrow down the pool a bit, but the trade off could be smut that doesn't have those not-great bits in it.

I'm sorry your parents are basically refusing to help you get the care you need. That's a deeply sucky move on their part. Do you have a sense of what their objections are?

I've found a resource that might help with figuring out how to masturbate while on HRT. This article describes different ways the author and trans women she spoke to masturbate while on HRT, with enough details that it should give you a sense of the different things you could try: https://www.dailydot.com/irl/trans-sex-masturbation/

[transfemandgay]

Oooooh. So I gotta start treating my dick like a clit since it’ll be more sensitive. And, I should actually start stimulating my full body, too. I also didn’t know the perineum was that sensitive so that’s fun. I’m... actually starting to feel a little better about going on HRT now.

However, if I started taking Viagra simultaneously, would it work that I could have penetrative sex and would I cum? And if I stopped HRT after developing breasts, what would happen? Also, how does anal sex work at all. I can’t find my prostate at all with toys and I don’t know what to tell my gf when they try with a strap on.

Also the therapist thing is a little too long and complicated for a post.

[Sam W]

I'm glad that article helped and gave you some ideas! And I totally get on the complicated therapy thing. If you ever need to discuss it (or vent about it) in the future, you're welcome to do so here.

Breast development is actually the only side effect of estrogen that won't reverse if you stopped HRT. If someone is doing HRT and then stops, their body reverts to how it was prior to HRT. As far as Viagra goes, according to the Mayo Clinic, some trans women on HRT do use it to try and counteract the erection issues that can arise, so taking it could make it easier for you to stay erect or orgasm. So it'd be an option to talk to your healthcare provider about as you adjust to HRT.

When it comes to anal play, this is a solid guide to locating and getting to know your prostate: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/9k48 ... orgasm-sex. Some toys are designed specifically for that, but it's usually easiest to start locating it with your fingers (since you can feel around with them better). Beyond that, anal sex works best with a lot of time, lube, and communication. Some people find certain toys or positions work best, some people find it works best if their partner just uses their hand. When you've been trying to find your prostate with toys in the past, have you noticed any angles or motions that tend to feel really good?

[transfemandgay]

I’ve only ever tried on my back and with my gf. By myself was too hard. I haven’t done it enough to know what feels good, I just know you want to angle the toy towards your dick to find your prostate. But it’s very difficult to get over the feeling of having something in you when you’re not used to it, and sometimes it hurts. The first time we tried using the strap on, I douched and then they pressed it against me and I ended up in reeeeeeally bad pain. Other than that I’ve only used a bullet vibrator and a small stainless steel butt plug. So I think the first mistake is not first finding my prostate with a gloved finger.

I don’t really even know if I like anal but I also don’t know what I’m doing.


Also thanks Siân and Sam W for talking to me about HRT. I actually feel way more confident going on it now.

[Sam W]

Yeah, anal sex can feel very strange, and it's definitely an activity where it's best to start small and slow to avoid pain (And to use way more lube than you might initially assume you need). That's why most people have their partner start with fingers (or use their fingers themselves) during sex before moving on to anything bigger. And it may very well be that it turns out anal play isn't something you like, or that you only like certain types of it.

And I'm so, so glad talking about HRT here has helped you feel better!