Scarleteen

I think it's important there's a little backstory so this all doesn't come off as rude so here we go.

I've known I was at least different since I was pretty young and was always teased for it or treated differently, or just downright told off for it. In 5th grade I went to my teacher in tears asking what I could do if I didn't want to develop a chest like all the other girls, that I was really scared for those changes and I wanted to look like a boy, she (at a public school, by the way) told me that god wanted me to be a girl and that I would always be a girl, so I'd just have to live with it. I had my hair cut short and started wearing button downs more, I looked like some of the other boys and I would get asked if I was a girl or boy a lot, I finally chose to say I was a boy in like because I wanted to and I didn't think it was a big deal, someone knew me, ripped my shirt open and shoved me to the ground calling yelling at me that I was a girl, and that I was acting like a freak. I was always singled out for being a little different, which sucked.

I realized I was trans quite young and was bullied for that, whenever I told people or just because I didn't look like the other girls. In sixth grade, I changed schools and went to my new school as a boy and came out to my parents that year, I had short hair and was already dressing fairly masculine. I wrote a note to my parents, who didn't talk to me for two days and I don't even know why but eventually my mom said we had to talk about the note I left her and she told me she didn't care if I was a fruit loop. I had tried to tell them earlier starting in about fourth grade just saying that I didn't want to be a girl but my mom would say that I was talking about something serious and I'd get scared. She still took a long time to come around even with saying that, it's getting closer to a year since she started using my pronouns and everything because a counsellor was able to help me out there.

Even now though, I pass as male and don't tell people I'm trans usually, but sadly, I've been outed by a few different people who knew, one of them posted pretransition photos and sent them around to everyone, the others just told people without my permission, one of them even decided to yell in front of the guys change room that I was and then asked me how "big" some of the guys were, I asked one of my friends to get my stuff from the locker room after that one. It takes so much just to be seen as more than being trans when people find out and I've always just wanted to be treated like any other guy, but people don't see you as that when you're trans. I cut off people who would introduce me to their friends and family as their "gay friend" or their "trans friend" and so often when that would happen I would just stand there so awkwardly because it's just weird. Finally some of the guys just treat me as a normal dude.

This is the part where I'm hoping it doesn't seem rude. Quite honestly, I distance myself from being trans or any art of my LGBT identity, I don't go to my QSA at school, and I don't hang out with other queer kids in fear of being seen as that. When you are grouped into that area, people only see you as being trans or gay, and it's just not who I am. My friend group used to consist of one other guy, and two girls (there used to be three but she wouldn't stop making sexual comments about my body constantly, and outing me as trans, she's the one who outed me in front of the locker rooms. She would also make one of my friends feel really poorly about her body, which we all couldn't stand for because her self esteem was dropping and it wasn't okay, my friend is absolutely gorgeous but can't see it in herself which sucks. This person did a lot more as well and we just decided it wasn't the best for our group.) Now, the friend group has grown a little, and there's someone else who identifies as trans who I don't really click with because they decided they wanted to become friends and date my abuser after I warned them about what they did to me, and then they got hurt, thankfully not to the same extent.

This person talks about being trans and how they really want to further transition a lot, which is exactly what I try my best to distance myself from. But I don't really know what to do, I absolutely hate when they constantly bring up trans topics and discuss that because it's not something I talk about a lot. They are also misinformed on a lot which is frustrating. I'm fine with answering questions about being trans as long as it's in an appropriate place for that discussion, and my friends know that, I've answered a lot of their questions and they know they are free to ask anything, and if they aren't sure on how to word it I just say go for it and I'll show them the right language to use. It's just constantly and very openly this person talks about being trans, and I find that I'm going back down the road of no being treated as just a normal dude because of it. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to be trans, it's just not something I enjoy.

We disagree on a number of other topics and it kind of feels like playing whack-a-mole because they are really misinformed on a lot, including drugs which frustrates me. The biggest piece though is I just don't know what to do about the whole trans topics. Especially when they talk about medical transition a lot, being trans isn't something I like to think about and they talk about it in detail, all the time. He brings up his opinion on medical transition a lot and I don't really feel like I can even say anything, he asks about my experience a lot but I transitioned a bit younger and also, my experience just isn't something I talk about, even with my therapist.

This person brings along queer friends a lot and I feel like I'm just getting closer and closer to being seen as nothing more than being trans again, which is something I work so hard to not be seen as. Is it wrong that I feel this way? What can I do about this? My whole life I've been grouped, is it so bad I just want to be just me for a while? Not my trans identity, not the person everyone goes to for questions in numerous subjects, but just me.

If I bring this up with that person am I just being rude? Can I even ask them about maybe not bringing it up constantly or at least not asking me or bringing me into the discussion of being trans? Am I wrong for not wanting to be grouped or seen as trans at all? Or idk, what can I do?

Also, like with my mom wanting me to talk to other people who are trans, do I have to just because I am? Is there a reason that would actually benefit me? She's told me I should at least look into facebook groups but honestly, I left all the ones I was in because I just don't enjoy it quite a while ago. The trans community is full of a lot of criticism and arguments and it's just drama I don't need.

Thanks for all the background, 0PT1M15T1C! It helps really understand where you're coming from. No need to apologize for having your own relationship to your own identity. <3

In no particular order, here are some thoughts scrambling around my brain in response to your questions that I'm having trouble bringing together in a very coherent manner right this instant:

- It makes sense that after feeling outcasted and being bullied for being trans, you would not want to be very loud or Proud (with a capital P) about being trans. Not everyone is going to have the same relationship with their marginalized identities as other people, and that's okay! As long as we can respect our differences. Some people are loudly proud, some are quietly proud, some are still coming to terms with, for some it's a big deal, for others it's barely a deal, some are ashamed, some embrace stereotypes, others purposefully defy them, etc., etc., etc.

- You're allowed to have your own boundaries about when and to who and how much you talk about being trans even to other trans people. It's fine to tell this person who's been asking you questions that you're just not comfortable/don't want to talk about it and if they're interested in talking more, perhaps they should look into the school's QSA because you're not available for the subject.

- I'm not as sure as you are that you've successfully separated yourself from queer/trans people and are being seen as "just" 0PT1M15T1C instead of trans!0PT1M15T1C. People know you're trans. They have purposefully outed you (and in what sounds like a particularly malicious why - I'm so sorry you went through that!). Your friends know they can ask you questions about being trans. You seem to have attracted a new acquaintance specifically because you are trans. I'm not so sure that you've successfully distanced yourself from being seen as The Trans Person Around School as... people are getting more used to you being trans while still fully knowing that you're trans. This is really hard. It's something a lot of people struggle with - feeling like the token queer/trans person of their group/area/family/friends. People who don't have a lot of exposure to people like us tend to take their time adjusting to who we are and our everyday reality, and that's tough for us to experience and watch.

- I know this seems self-contradictory, but... connecting with more trans/queer people might actually help you feel less othered than simply trying to cut yourself off from being seen as trans is accomplishing, in part linked to what I was getting at in my previous point. The more trans people you're around, the more people you'll have who actually understand or can better sympathize with your experiences. The more people you'll have around who understand being uncomfortable with certain questions. The more people you'll have around who are just comfortable getting to be themselves. Not everyone is like this one person who's following you around and asking questions. People will be at different stages in their life and how long they've been out and what transition they've gone through, and more and more, the community can be a place to connect with people who understand you but aren't always going to be grilling you on what it's like to be trans. They'll just want a place to talk about regular, everyday things with people they know inherently better understand and accept them. It's not always about being Proud or being Trans (with a capital T) - it's about just getting to be. And yeah, there will be venting about transphobia and celebrating positive milestones like coming out or transitioning, but you won't feel like you're on display like you maybe have been feeling. You'll more just get to feel like you're belonging.

- Being trans isn't who you are, but it is a part of why you are who you are. Our experiences do help to shape us.

- Online communities do tend to be breeding grounds for exclusionary gatekeepers and identity policers, unfortunately. You may have to do some work investigating to find the groups that are well-moderated and have defined rules about behavioral expectations if you connect mainly online. (It's quite possible, though - I've carved out some places for myself online that I feel very safe and comfortable and protected in.) However, I also want to note that offline communities experience problems like these far less and far less loudly. Partially because people seem particularly emboldened to be hateful behind a more anonymous screen than they do face-to-face and partially because of lack of suitable moderation available over social media considering the expansive size of the internet.

- As distanced as you may feel from it, cutting yourself off from other queer folk isn't going to make you any less trans and, at the end of the day, it's not going to make any cishet person treat you as any less trans as soon as they find out you are trans.

- I would encourage you to ask yourself something, though. Is it being trans specifically that has made things painful and difficult and hard - or is it transphobic reactions to you being trans and transphobic systems (like laws and healthcare accessibility) that make your life harder? This could be an important distinction for navigating your own identity.

- It's your life, and you're totally allowed to have whatever boundaries make you feel safest.

- You don't need to feel guilty for navigating your own identity and your relationships with other people as a part of your own journey. There's no one right way to be trans, no one "true" path you have to take. All you can do is the best for yourself. <3

I would personally give anything to not be trans, but like that's not possible. I don't really care about other peoples reactions to me being trans, it doesn't really matter, but I don't want to be treated different because of it. I just want to be able to be a normal guy. It's kind of hard to explain because that probably sounds quite similar, but like I don't really care about the opinions, like I've been told I have a disease of the mind for being trans, I could care less about that but being treated differently - that sucks. Like being treated as if I'm less than for being trans, just because I'm not cis, that's the part that gets to me.

As far as people knowing I'm trans, before this other person came in we never talked about me being trans, ever. And a lot of people who know me, still don't know I'm trans, I keep it that way. My friends, I think the last time they asked me a question about it was like September, so it's not something that comes up, someone mentioned something about bottom surgery and they were really confused so they asked me. My school is kind of known for being LGBT friendly and all that, so we have quite a high population, and a lot of times there's groups of those people, which I don't involve myself in. Or at least didn't for a long time until this person came into the group. In my friend group especially after the other girl left, I don't feel like the token trans person in any way, I was finally just a regular dude. They were shocked when I told them I was trans, and after a little explaining they never really cared, because it doesn't affect them.

For me, I have a pretty scientific view on gender, I come from a family where my sister is a physicist, my mom is an engineer, I plan for a future in forensics and my brother wants to do astrology, and then my dads an artist so that's a little different, but science and that way of understanding is just how I roll. I just don't really care what people do as long as it's not having a massive affect on my life. I like youtube for videos, when I want to watch trans things, I do typically watch people like Kalvin Garrah, which might tell you where I fall in that area. For me the biggest thing is being respectful though, I can have whatever views I want, but I need to be respectful towards others. I was able to explain it to my mom with the help of a counsellor using some science.

It's just annoying, I didn't ask for other people to know I'm trans. The few times I have talked to other trans people it's just all they make life about, whereas for me, yeah I guess being trans is a part of me, but I'd prefer to just leave that to be honest. It's not a big deal, granted I'm cis passing and don't have to deal with a lot of the oppression others might have to, mine comes from other areas so I guess I'm just more focused on that. I honestly don't mind a few questions here and there, I know a lot about it and especially in things like class discussions it's a good way to share my knowledge. Like with what you mention about talking to other people, it's just not what I'm looking for, because to be honest - I want to live like a cis male, and for the most part - I do. Being trans, I'll use my identity to advocate at things like marches and protests but other than that it's just kind of there, and that's how I like it.

Like for example, with this piece "The more people you'll have around who understand being uncomfortable with certain questions." I don't need someone to understand being uncomfortable with certain questions, it's just this one person constantly talking about being trans and all that. I don't like that, and I think that's what being in a group with lots of trans people would do.

I'm not sure if this is making any sense.

I think my mom is trying to get me to talk about being trans more, idk. It's just not me, I don't care about it, I would much prefer to be cis. With your question, honestly, I don't get many negative reactions, it was just when I was little I did. So honestly the answer although you're probably thinking it's "transphobic reactions to you being trans and transphobic systems" when really it's this "Is it being trans specifically that has made things painful and difficult and hard." It's not something I can just stop being, I'm a guy, just wish my freaking body matched that because it really would save me a lot of pain and discomfort. I know there's nothing really wrong with me for being trans though.

I'm just going to let them know I'd prefer we not talk about trans things, and tell them to stop asking me questions, they can find those answers online or they can ask someone else. I'm not that person.
It might sound weird but I do actually enjoy like class discussions about trans topics, that's interesting, but it's during class time and that is what comes up, rather than at a space where I can relax and not have to think about that, I think it's because of that distinction. ALSO, every day, they bring it up. Like damnnnnn, I don't know how they talk about it that much.
I have one trans friend and we sometimes, very rarely talk about being trans. Idk, I just wish I could leave it. Like I don't want to be seen as trans, and I don't want to be trans.

Hi 0PT1M15T1C,

I think setting that boundary with them is a sound next step to take. As horriblegoose pointed out, you get to have what limits and boundaries you need to in friendships, even when it comes to shared experiences or identities. Too, setting that limit may also help you develop a different kind of friendship with that person, since you won't feel like every conversation is focused around this one shared identity.

The way you're describing your feelings does make sense. In fact, those feelings you describe around your own transness actually remind me of someone I know who also came out fairly young and dealt with some serious BS as a result. Something both you and horriblegoose have kind of touched on is that there's no one "right" way to be a trans person. We usually hear that phrasing around things like gender presentation or choosing whether or not to transition in certain ways, but it also applies to how you feel about being trans. Some trans people bring that to the front of their identity, and like talking about and thinking about it. Others would prefer to never have to think about it, and if they could snap their fingers and become cis they would. And lots of people are somewhere in the middle. As with any part of your identity, you get to decide how you want to feel about it.

Okay, yeah with the boundaries that makes sense, there's other ones that need to be places as well that I'm kind of feeling the whole group wants brought up. The three topics they really like are being trans, suicide and sex - and not everyone wants to talk about that all the time, especially when we all know and recognize this person is in a toxic relationship and isn't being safe. So I think I'll be bringing a few things up with them. Oh yeah, in the past the reason we stopped being friends is because they dated my abuser, after I had warned them. I'm kind of the only one in the group that like is willing to set those boundaries even if having the conversation is scary, other people might get scared but Idk, I really like that about myself that I'm willing to step in and voice my concerns. It's important to me that I know what I need to be working on and others know if there's something they need to be working on - once my friend group (core people, myself and two others) started communicating more, we all got a lot closer, so that might need to extend. I'm tired of explaining safe sex, drugs, relationships, etc. to them repeatedly. My biggest kind of pet peave is the consent laws, because this person tried to challenge me on that when I talked to the constable about it to make sure I was clear in my understanding. My friend when they start talking about those things just looks at me and waits to see whether or not I hold in what I want to say or not, it's become a joke between us at this point.

That's good to hear that I'm not weird for not really wanting to show that part of my identity. I'm loud about it when it comes to things like marches and protests but that's it, and even then - it really just helps my mom learn. I don't really know anyone that doesn't talk about it like me, everyone I know that's trans fits into the other places, they talk about it fairly often. I'm the only person I know that doesn't talk about it, doesn't hang out with other queer people or go to groups. Idk, lately I think having this person in the group kind of made me question myself for that, it's just kind of new to me I guess. But it helps to know I'm okay feeling how I am about it, I have a pretty different experience than so many of these people. For them, they came out at a supportive school and were able to transition freely with support, I got beaten up and teased. I definitely would rather never have to think about being trans, it's something that isn't fun.

Thank you, I'll definitely keep everything in mind, probably plan out what I need to say so I can stay respectful during the conversation. I'll ask a few other people in the group as well to see if this has been on their minds at all.

You're welcome! And it can definitely be hard to be the one in the friend group who's willing to have those conversations. But, it can also have a positive effect over time, both in that you're setting needed boundaries for yourself, but also because you can kind of shift the norms of the group so more people start having those conversations.

I want to add that, at least for the person I mentioned, getting older and getting out of the school system where people knew him and his history kind of changed how he related to his transness (he knows I'm sharing this here, since I asked him if I could). When it was no longer this known thing, the label that a lot of people automatically attached to him, he felt like he had way more control over how or when to share that information. That made it a little easier for him to think about it in some ways, because it wasn't being brought up by outside sources and blindsiding him. That may not be the case for you as you get older, but it's just an example of how circumstances can definitely influence how a person feels about their own status as a trans person.

That's really good to know actually, it makes sense because now I feel like I'm playing this not so fun game of dodgeball with the labels and preconceived ideas people have about being trans. Maybe some people find power in those labels, but it's not for me. I much prefer being known as an athlete, as a loud kid, even with the smarts - I like being labelled as that because I put in work for it, but the trans one, people think you're nothing more. So I do hope that once I'm out of school and my circumstances have changed maybe I will be a little more open about it. In my life I'm constantly on the move, you kind of have to be when you have a stalker who really likes labelling you as well. I think adults just care less about that sort of thing. Like there's times I love talking about it, in class discussions are my favourite thing in the world, because different people have different understanding and you just get to learn so much and it's incredibly fun to do - but that's in a space where I'm not being singled out for being trans I guess - even on those topics I'm seen more as the brainiac who retains a weird amount of information, not the trans kid. When you're trans in school, people ask you thinking you have all the answers, so I share my opinion, but I have to remind them that trans people have different opinions, and although I may feel my opinion is correct, others may not.

May I ask - I mean, you're an adult - do adults just care less about that sort of thing? Or is it just that you're now in a bigger population with more people who don't know and haven't grown up with you, therefor making it so there's less labels? I'm hoping that makes sense? People always say if I can just make it through highschool, nobody really cares after, is that true?

I think it may have less to do with adults not caring as much about that sort of thing (although, given that kids in high school now have way more exposure to trans stuff than they did ten years ago, I really hope we're heading towards a future where fewer adults get hung up about trans things), and more to do with how high school is this weird, insular ecosystem. Your history, and certain labels, stick to you in high school. Once you're out in college, or the workforce, or wherever you go once you graduate, those things have a much harder time following you because you're no longer surrounded by people who've known you for, at minimum, four years. Too, fewer people knowing also cuts down on how many times you feel yourself cornered into offering someone a Trans 101 crash course.

With trans identities, passing also plays a role in that; part of why my friend didn't have to come out as much in college was because he'd changed his paperwork and started T. So everyone just looked at him and went "oh, that's a cis dude" unless he told them otherwise. But even then, this was a huge school. If someone knew he was trans, that info could only spread so far before someone went, "um, I have never seen that person and have no idea who that is."

Okay, that makes sense, yeah... My school is a k-12 and I've been there since grade 6, I'm now in grade 9. So yeah, some people will know, but it kind of helps that I don't talk about it. The people that talk about it all the time, those are moreso the people seen solely for their trans identity, and especially with being a smart kid, I get grouped more into that I find which helps. And yeah, the crash course is a pretty boring one to give.
Yeah, passing does wonders, thankfully I pass extremely well, a lot of people don't know and actually, when people talk about me being trans or tell others it just kind of slips their mind because they can't see it with me. I look quite cis and I get the "Wait, you're trans? Like for real? Like hold on, seriously, you don't look like you are at all" thing a lot which is always funny. I still so wish I could start T before 18, it terrifies me that I might lose my privilege of passing as a cis, white, straight male (I'm trans, the white part won't change and gay). I'm terrified that as I get older I won't pass as well, but I guess time will have to tell.

I think what you explained though definitely makes sense, so thank you! That helps a lot at least knowing that it won't forever be this way.

You certainly don't have to talk about it if you don't want to! I get that it's important to be recognised for the other parts of yourself, and in an ideal world being trans would just be one part of a much bigger picture. It sounds like that's the relationship you have with most of your friends, and hopefully after you've spoken to this new person in your friendship group your relationship with them can focus more on the parts of yourself that you're most interested in sharing.

With the experiences you've had, it's no wonder that passing feels like a relief and losing that safety feels really scary. I wish I could tell you that being completely out all the time will always be totally okay, but I can't. What I will say though, is it sounds like you've come a long way and are in a place that is much safer than before, so if for a while you don't quite pass things shouldn't be as bad as they were before - is that something you find comforting?

Yeah, for the most part. Like I know that school won't be too bad for that, it would just really suck to have to start explaining myself more if I'm not passing as well. Right now, if no one's told, people think I'm cis, and I love that. And the thing is, that goes outside of school to - washrooms are safe for me right now. If I don't pass well, at school people know I'm a guy, and although not passing wouldn't be fun because I feel like I'd get grouped a lot more, it wouldn't be a massive thing. At school, I can just let someone know my pronouns if they mess up, and although that would really suck because I haven't had to correct someone in SO long, it's better than before where I was being beaten up. I guess my fear more stems for outside of school.

Like as I get older, the guys are going to continue to go through puberty, they're taller, voices are dropping, and are looking more filled out and masculine... I won't have that.. And I'm just scared I'll stand out more. Especially outside of school... Like in public if I'm not passing idk what I'd do... When I was younger I went into a guys bathroom and I thought I was passing, apparently I wasn't because an older man grabbed me... Like if I'm not passing, public places aren't as safe as they were before. Bus terminals are included in that. Right now, I look like the other guys and can put on a more "don't mess with me" kind of appearance, but if I'm 17 looking like 13, and people recognize me - that's a problem and makes me a really good target. Looking younger is a pretty tell-tale sign for trans guys. Like not passing, could be the difference in whether or not I get beaten up or targeted. I just don't even know what to do, because not passing at school, it's just not as big of a deal as out of school. Although yeah, it's nice not to have to explain myself and I just get to be me, no questions (most of the time) like it's not the end of the world at school. I've passed really well for about two years, I can't even remember the last time I was misgendered, other than like family friends and family. Like I'm really lucky for that but I'm so scared I'm going to go backwards. Passing or not is the difference between how safe I am at a party, or if I can walk alone at night. Like it's not nothing for me, if I'm not passing that could put me in danger and I don't want to lose the fact that I pass.

I just really wish T was an option and I've kind of been nudging my mom more lately with videos and articles.

Also, with the friends, I brought it up with the core group and his behaviour is something we all have a serious problem with, so I got the go ahead to have the conversation, I know my talking points and we'll go from there. Our main problems are the suicide conversations and then them not being safe in his relationships. The trans thing though, apparently was on my cis friends radars too, so it's good to know I wasn't alone in that. We also brought up other issues, for example I need to work on talking more because with everything going on in my life I've gotten quiet, and that's weird for me, so I need to work on that. So all in all - glad I brought it up with them.

I'm glad that conversation with your friend group has been going well so far, and that it's helped you feel like you weren't the only one noticing certain things.

Those observations about passing and safety are all very sound. And it sucks, in such an immense way, that passing is still a huge component in how safe trans people are, or how vulnerable they feel just trying to go about their day.

I really, really hope your mom starts to come around on blockers or T. I do sort of wonder if having a healthcare provider on your side might help you, since she might be more willing to listen to someone who she views as an expert in how blockers or T work and what their benefits and risks are.

With T, something to keep in mind is that, once you're legally an adult, you'll be able to access that without your parents being involved. That might feel like it puts you lightyears behind other guys in terms of development, but in many ways it would only make you a "late bloomer" (I say this mostly so you don't feel like, if you don't get on T right this instant, you'll be stuck looking much younger or less developed than other guys forever).

We kind of only go to the doctor when we need to, which isn’t very often... although that might happen today because I’m on concussion watch from my game. But I’d be going for something other than being trans. I’ll definitely start talking to my therapist about being trans though because she might be able to help me out a bit. Or at least talk to my mom about it - she’s tried to get me to talk about puberty but I always push it off so maybe it’s time to actually discuss it. I’m not like embarrassed I just don’t like acknowledging that my body is choosing to screw me over.

It really helped when I saw a counsellor and the counsellor brought my mom in and that’s what we focused on. She kind of told my mom that to accept me she actually had to follow through on the things she was saying, and that it was basically she needed to treat me like a male, as her son or she’d lose me. So maybe having a psychologist continue to explain these things would help. The counsellor had me write a letter to my mom explaining how I felt and I wrote it and explained being trans as not hating my body but really just feeling disconnected and like something isn’t quite right. Before she was comparing it to like hating her nose, that over time she kind of realized it didn’t matter, so I was able to help her understand that it was nothing like that. Maybe just continuing to work and having her understand what dysphoria is like would help her.

That’s the other thing with this person, I found out that they started T, so like them complaining pisses me off even more, like you have parents letting you medically transition and you’re complaining to me. Like they just seem to have it so easy, they’ve been out for like a year and are on T this young, like I’ve known since I was like 8 and my parents, actually just my mom, is working on the pronouns just recently.

With the late bloomer piece, aren’t most guys pretty much done puberty by the time they’re 18? Like the main changes have all happened by then..?

Personally, I don’t want to start testosterone where I am right now, I want to wait at least a year and be at least 16, because hormones are a serious and irreversible thing, and while I pass right now, I’m okay without them - it’s just as I’m getting older, I’m scared that waiting until 18 will mean that I won’t pass after 16... that’s getting closer and closer and it’s just really scary for me... Idk like I want to be happy for the people I know who started them but it’s just kind of hard to be honest... My school counsellor and I have talked about that, hormones aren’t just a joke and if you’re wrong, that can be a serious issue. She agrees with me and thinks I’m mature on that point, but also recognizes it isn’t easy for me. She has no doubt in her mind whether or not I’m trans, it’s just the physical things can be serious, like from what I know, a lot of trans guys go into sepsis and if not caught, that can kill you.

I don’t want to move backwards, I don’t want to lose all that I have right now just because I’m trans...I don’t really talk about these things with anyone, my school counsellor has seen my cry because of it and so did the counsellor I saw earlier - my mom and I both cried we were a really emotional pair it was great we walked out just like “I want you to know I love you” and then “I love you too mom, thank you for trying, I know this isn’t easy for you.” It was great. I asked my friends when we talked about the other person, and they said that I never bring it up, and like put emphasis on never.. it was kind of weird because I knew I didn’t talk about it a lot but the way they both put it kind of caught me off guard. They let me know I also really avoid any topics that come up with that. Like it’s something that really kind of sucks for me, I just so wish I could be cis.. like that’s something I wish people understood is I would give anything just to be cis, this isn’t something I want. Maybe my therapist will be able to help with that though if I let her. She has no idea where I’m at in puberty or what changes I’ve really experienced or how I feel about any of that and it might be important for her to know. I bind my chest, I pack, I look really quite cis... I don’t want to lose that but I’m kind of thinking without testosterone thats what will happen...

Also, sorry if I don’t respond to this for a few days, typing and reading this kind of proved I’m a little worse off than I thought I was after my game today. With concussions, I’ve been through this all before and reading and trying to think a lot generally just makes things worse and prolongs the healing process, so I’m going to give myself some time. This certainly hurts though, wow.