How do I start this conversation with my partner?
Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 5:27 pm
Nice to meet you! This is my first post, and it's a long one. Sorry! ^-^;;
So I'm going to school to be a sexologist therefore I try to be super sex positive and open minded about everything, especially sex related things. My boyfriend has always been really supportive of my career choice. I've been dating him for a year and a half, and I've been living with him for a bit longer than a year. We haven't had many big issues between us, and any issue we have had we've been able to communicate through fairly well.
But lately I've had a growing concern about some of his views on sex and sex positivity. He's very erotocentric (thinks that his sexuality should be the standard and judges others for having different sexual interests/fetishes/kinks) and is always "yucking" other people's "yums".
He's not intolerant of any sexual orientation or gender identity, just intolerant of other people's sexual interests if it's not what he's into. It's never to their face and it doesn't seem intentionally malicious, but it still feels like a problem.
I've brought it up to him a few times. Example: I was talking about a friend having an orgy for their birthday, and he said "There's something wrong with him." I said "Other people are into other things and there's nothing wrong with that and your thinking is what's really wrong". Another time we were talking about kinks and I mentioned a really taboo fantasy and violent roleplay that I like to engage in (that he already knew of) and he told me he was "concerned for my health", as if I was actually mentally unhealthy because of some of my kinks. I made sure he wasn't just joking (he wasn't). You can probably imagine how I felt about that.
We've never had a full heart-to-heart about it because it really seems like he's not willing to even TRY to unlearn or change his thinking. Hearing him say things like that always leaves me with a huge knot in my stomach. It makes me feel icky or like I'm condoning his intolerance and it makes me think "maybe I shouldn't be with someone like that" even though I absolutely adore him in every other way.
I don't know what I should do about this issue. I know I need to have an honest conversation with him about how it makes me feel and how being with someone who is so judgmental of others' sexual behaviors is probably not the best thing for a sexologist. I just don't know what to do if he still isn't willing to try to change his problematic thinking and beliefs. I love him very much and I hope to be with him for a long time, but this particular issue is causing a lot of doubt and uneasiness in me.
How do I talk to him about this and what can I do to convince him his thinking is problematic and needs to change?
So I'm going to school to be a sexologist therefore I try to be super sex positive and open minded about everything, especially sex related things. My boyfriend has always been really supportive of my career choice. I've been dating him for a year and a half, and I've been living with him for a bit longer than a year. We haven't had many big issues between us, and any issue we have had we've been able to communicate through fairly well.
But lately I've had a growing concern about some of his views on sex and sex positivity. He's very erotocentric (thinks that his sexuality should be the standard and judges others for having different sexual interests/fetishes/kinks) and is always "yucking" other people's "yums".
He's not intolerant of any sexual orientation or gender identity, just intolerant of other people's sexual interests if it's not what he's into. It's never to their face and it doesn't seem intentionally malicious, but it still feels like a problem.
I've brought it up to him a few times. Example: I was talking about a friend having an orgy for their birthday, and he said "There's something wrong with him." I said "Other people are into other things and there's nothing wrong with that and your thinking is what's really wrong". Another time we were talking about kinks and I mentioned a really taboo fantasy and violent roleplay that I like to engage in (that he already knew of) and he told me he was "concerned for my health", as if I was actually mentally unhealthy because of some of my kinks. I made sure he wasn't just joking (he wasn't). You can probably imagine how I felt about that.
We've never had a full heart-to-heart about it because it really seems like he's not willing to even TRY to unlearn or change his thinking. Hearing him say things like that always leaves me with a huge knot in my stomach. It makes me feel icky or like I'm condoning his intolerance and it makes me think "maybe I shouldn't be with someone like that" even though I absolutely adore him in every other way.
I don't know what I should do about this issue. I know I need to have an honest conversation with him about how it makes me feel and how being with someone who is so judgmental of others' sexual behaviors is probably not the best thing for a sexologist. I just don't know what to do if he still isn't willing to try to change his problematic thinking and beliefs. I love him very much and I hope to be with him for a long time, but this particular issue is causing a lot of doubt and uneasiness in me.
How do I talk to him about this and what can I do to convince him his thinking is problematic and needs to change?