Whether you're the one who is doing or has done the breaking up, or someone else has broken up with you, breakups can be seriously tough sometimes.
So, feel free to vent, sniffle, growl, sob, be bitter as anything or share some virtual sappy movies and ice cream here.
You may also find this piece handy rightabout now: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking.
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Breakups
Forum rules
We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.
Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.
Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.
Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.
Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 9736
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
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- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for over 25 years!
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- Location: Chicago
Breakups
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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suburban_witch
- not a newbie
- Posts: 30
- Joined: Wed Jul 30, 2014 6:33 pm
- Age: 35
- Awesomeness Quotient: Pretty good
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- Location: Scheming in my coven
Re: Breakups
I really appreciated reading the piece, Heather, even though there were some parts I wasn't ready to read or integrate into my life or practice yet. I think for me, it's still taking some time. The most important thing for me to remember during this time has been that healing isn't linear, and just when I think I'm over it, I might remember something painful about it that takes me back to the feelings in the weeks immediately afterwards, and feeling unlovable.
I feel like a lot of my pain around my breakup with the feminist guy from my original thread has caused my wound to take a particular shape, and at this part in my life, I don't think I can afford to trust men, especially men who claim to be feminist, or feel like someone who's integrated those politics and is a cis man could ever love me. But I think I have enough perspective now to realize that that isn't the end of the world, I can configure my attraction in other ways, and maybe I can take time later for my wounds to heal in a different shape, but all that will take time and that is okay.
But mostly, I feel a lot of closure around it that I didn't think was possible, and a lot of that has come with therapy, realizing I don't have that much life experience and casting this small experience in a negative light and prognosticating what it means *~for my future~* is maybe it's not something I should do because I presumably have other life experiences ahead of me, and my friends affirming that it's okay for me to feel what I'm feeling, and telling me the guy that dumped me is an idiot, etc. Even just pretending to be cocky about it has helped because it counters those negative messages I've told myself about my self-worth. Sometimes it will come back and it will hurt, and I've been noticing that's been happening a little more recently, but it doesn't occupy as much mental space as it used to, and for that, I'm glad at least.
I feel like a lot of my pain around my breakup with the feminist guy from my original thread has caused my wound to take a particular shape, and at this part in my life, I don't think I can afford to trust men, especially men who claim to be feminist, or feel like someone who's integrated those politics and is a cis man could ever love me. But I think I have enough perspective now to realize that that isn't the end of the world, I can configure my attraction in other ways, and maybe I can take time later for my wounds to heal in a different shape, but all that will take time and that is okay.
But mostly, I feel a lot of closure around it that I didn't think was possible, and a lot of that has come with therapy, realizing I don't have that much life experience and casting this small experience in a negative light and prognosticating what it means *~for my future~* is maybe it's not something I should do because I presumably have other life experiences ahead of me, and my friends affirming that it's okay for me to feel what I'm feeling, and telling me the guy that dumped me is an idiot, etc. Even just pretending to be cocky about it has helped because it counters those negative messages I've told myself about my self-worth. Sometimes it will come back and it will hurt, and I've been noticing that's been happening a little more recently, but it doesn't occupy as much mental space as it used to, and for that, I'm glad at least.
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SilentDragon
- not a newbie
- Posts: 22
- Joined: Wed Aug 06, 2014 12:14 pm
- Age: 32
- Awesomeness Quotient: I embrace my weirdness.
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: She/her
- Sexual identity: Bisexual, Queer, Questioning
- Location: Middle-of-Nowhere, Ohio
Re: Breakups
I think here is probably the best place to put this...
As of yesterday, I am officially out of the relationship with my sexually abusive (now ex) boyfriend! I didn't get the counseling I had wanted because of a telecommunication issue (and I'm going to try again). And well, I'm not too upset about the break-up so far. I had already sort of mentally broken up with him a few weeks ago. I think the things I miss are less connected to him specifically than to things I liked about being in a relationship in general. These are things like cuddling, having someone to go to family gatherings with (because I hate those things) or to places where going alone is usually considered weird, and having someone (non-family) I talk to every day who cares to know about the little things that happened in my day. However, I did learn about my limits with sex and people from this relationship, and hopefully I can bring this knowledge to other relationships.
I think my biggest concern is that I'll sink back into the depressive loneliness I was in before this relationship which was taking a toll on my schoolwork and life-plans. I guess what I really want is one or two really close relationships, with people who have positive attitudes, where I can always be honest with them, and who aren't manipulative in any way. I've had problems finding such people for a while now. While I'm close with my current two friends, one of them is probably not the best person to be friends with, and I'm not sure how much I can lean on the other. So I plan on trying to find a club or two at school to join to try to make more connections with people. And it's really going to be a challenge for me because I'm pretty much terrified of talking to people I don't really know, and I have major problems with carrying on such conversations, but I know I have to try!
As of yesterday, I am officially out of the relationship with my sexually abusive (now ex) boyfriend! I didn't get the counseling I had wanted because of a telecommunication issue (and I'm going to try again). And well, I'm not too upset about the break-up so far. I had already sort of mentally broken up with him a few weeks ago. I think the things I miss are less connected to him specifically than to things I liked about being in a relationship in general. These are things like cuddling, having someone to go to family gatherings with (because I hate those things) or to places where going alone is usually considered weird, and having someone (non-family) I talk to every day who cares to know about the little things that happened in my day. However, I did learn about my limits with sex and people from this relationship, and hopefully I can bring this knowledge to other relationships.
I think my biggest concern is that I'll sink back into the depressive loneliness I was in before this relationship which was taking a toll on my schoolwork and life-plans. I guess what I really want is one or two really close relationships, with people who have positive attitudes, where I can always be honest with them, and who aren't manipulative in any way. I've had problems finding such people for a while now. While I'm close with my current two friends, one of them is probably not the best person to be friends with, and I'm not sure how much I can lean on the other. So I plan on trying to find a club or two at school to join to try to make more connections with people. And it's really going to be a challenge for me because I'm pretty much terrified of talking to people I don't really know, and I have major problems with carrying on such conversations, but I know I have to try!
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Redskies
- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 1281
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 11:33 am
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: they/them or she/her
- Sexual identity: bisexual/queer/pansexual
- Location: Europe
Re: Breakups
SilentDragon, I'm so very pleased to hear this, and that you're doing ok with it. That's a big, big thing to do for yourself, and a big thing to brave the challenging parts of not being in a relationship.
I really do hear you about the fear of loneliness and difficulties finding people. I think the plans you have start you on a really good track for taking care of yourself: getting counselling will likely help a lot with talking to people and with finding, identifying and nurturing connections that don't involve any of the yuck, and getting involved with interest-based groups is a good way of meeting people and giving you some obvious starting topic or purpose for a conversation.
I really do hear you about the fear of loneliness and difficulties finding people. I think the plans you have start you on a really good track for taking care of yourself: getting counselling will likely help a lot with talking to people and with finding, identifying and nurturing connections that don't involve any of the yuck, and getting involved with interest-based groups is a good way of meeting people and giving you some obvious starting topic or purpose for a conversation.
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.
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Redskies
- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 1281
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 11:33 am
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: they/them or she/her
- Sexual identity: bisexual/queer/pansexual
- Location: Europe
Re: Breakups
)The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.