Scarleteen

I'm thinking of buying it secretly and put it on when parents are sleeping and stare at the mirror all happy and take pictures..If my dad saw me wearing it,he'd yell how I'm not a dude.But just eye pencil,black. I wish there was a second world,where we could all be free to be who we are without people deciding If you are a guy or a girl.

Hi there IAmScared,

Ooof. Reading that last thing you said hit me right in the feels, because I feel that way too. It feels really frustrating sometimes to see these strict ideas about what "men do" and "women do", and subsequently, what we can do without provoking criticism or negative attention from others. I often have that thought - why can't we all just be people who talk and dress and watch and play and do different things??
I'm sorry to hear that your dad has that attitude - being a dude isn't defined by not wearing eye makeup. In fact, there are plenty of dudes (of all sexualities) who wear eye makeup (Alice Cooper, David Bowie, and Marilyn Manson are all coming to mind). In fact, over here in the US, it's becoming more and more acceptable for men (again, of all sexualities, not just bi or gay ones) to wear foundation, eyeliner, or mascara as part of their daily routine, not just as part of a costume or performance.

As for the eye pencil - I think trying it out at night might work! Do you feel like you'd have a relative amount of privacy? What about at school, or work, or at a friend's house? Are there any spaces/people that feel supportive of you trying it out?

Too, I kind of want to add in here, that oh yeah, it sucks big time to have to question what you do. I still have to do that a lot with my family just because after years, I’m finally making progress and don’t want anyone to second guess that. I like Al’s comment about wearing it at night, but also, if there’s times you want to go out wearing it and he’s not around, having a few makeup wipes helps.

For me, I’ve found time helps, also having friends that are girls. For example I had a sleepover over Christmas break and came back with my nails painted, no one questioned it and I thought it was cute. Being able to just be me has become a lot easier with that time element, but it doesn’t for everyone and I’m still sorry your dad acts that way.

I don't go to school nor work and I don't have irl friends,but at home it might work

Hi IAmScared,

How about, just to start out with, you try doing at home at night time? If you want to take photos and feel like they could be kept safely/privately on your phone or another device, you could have a fun photoshoot with yourself. If you don't feel like that would be safe, you could take the photos but ultimately delete them from your phone.

Do you have an idea of where you might get a black eye pencil from? Is that something you could buy in person (maybe saying it was for a girl in your life, if it felt unsafe to say it was for you) or online?