Scarleteen

I’be been in a relationship with the most wonderful woman for nearly 5 years. In the earlier days, we would make out/have sex quite often, nearly every time we saw each other. For the last year/2, my partner has had a low sex drive (possibly caused by medication), I have quite a high desire for sex, I’m afraid to keep brining it up because I’m rejected 90% of the time. I don’t know how to deal with not being intimate, it’s an important aspect for me in a relationship. We aren’t compatible sexually but everything else is bloody amazing.

Hi ZacW23,

You're certainly not the first couple to deal with this scenario, and part of what you're describing sounds like a totally normal pattern. In relationships, what usually happens is there's a burst of sexual activity in the early days, and then as time goes on, sex becomes less frequent. That's not to say people in long term relationships can't or don't have satisfying sex lives, but that some of what's going on here is a common progression.

Beyond that, can you give me a sense of how much you and your partner have talked about this mismatch? I don't mean just in terms of you trying to initiate sex and her saying "no." Have you talked about what's going on, and how you're each feeling about it? If you haven't, this article has some great advice about approaching that conversation: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... o_more_sex

Too, when you say you miss being intimate, have things like more general physical touch (kissing, cuddling, etc) gone away as well? Or is it mainly sex?

Hiya ZacW23,

I want to echo what Sam is saying and add a thing or two. I REALLY believe it's important to talk about intimacy and sex when you're not having sex, and when there's no implicit pressure to be intimate. Don't frame the mismatch as one person's PROBLEM (e.g. "you never want to have sex anymore"), but as something you want to explore as a pair (e.g. "How do you feel about how much/what we do when we're being sexual?")

As someone who's pretty much ALWAYS the partner with a higher sex drive, talking openly about sex throughout a romantic/sexual relationship not only makes me feel closer to my partner, but also helps me acknowledge and manage my own sex drive without putting pressure on my partner. Depending on the situation, things like more cuddling, focusing on different sex acts, mutual masturbation, watching my partner masturbate (or vice versa), and solo masturbation (of course) have helped me and my partner find things that work for us.

Hi ZacW23,
I just wanted to add a different perspective. Personally, I would say I'm in the same situation, but opposite spectrum's. My libido has practically vanished over the past couple years, and my partner has expressed his dissatisfaction with that. The issue though is when he tells me he's unhappy, or wants more sex in general, I immediately feel bad for not providing that for him. Basically, I'm just trying to say HOW you talk about it, has a massive effect on the overall end product of the issue, you know?
I'm sorry that wasn't more helpful, but I wanted to give you a different stand point.
Good luck