About to make a big step

[Aliceliddle]

January 2019, I started college and ran into a guy I hadn't seen in ten years. He was my first childhood crush. I found out that he had felt the same back then too. Within two weeks, we went on our first date. From the beginning, he told me he wanted to make me happy and was willing to do anything to achieve that. We said I love you quickly. The first time we were alone for an extended period of time, he went down on me and fingered me. I orgasmed from him fingering me, my first ever. I've never had a relationship before him and it's the same for him. I didn't react the same when he went down on me because he did that first and I was nervous. To this day, he still beats himself up a little that he didn't do a good job of making me happy. He's so selfless and will put my happiness above his at times. We had decided to have sex, the first time for us both, before the quarantine hit. Being away from each other just emphasized how important we are to each other. We're very educated on how to be safe. We've done the everything but for a year now. I know it's not common to orgasm from vaginal intercourse at all, let alone the first time. How would I tell him that he knows how to make me happy but we need to be realistic? That it's not a failure if he doesn't get the reaction of when he's stimulating the part of me that makes me come. We were both a little insecure early on and he doesn't like how thin he is. I just want him to be fully reassured.

[Siân]

Hi Aliceliddle,

Welcome to the boards

So when you say you've decided to have sex, I'm guessing you mean intercourse? It sounds like this is something you're both excited for - yay! - but also perhaps are putting a lot of pressure on yourselves to get "right". Thinking through what both of your hopes, fears and expectations are ahead of time, the way you are in this thread, is a great idea. Perhaps you can set some time aside to talk about those things together?

We have a couple of articles that are a good starting-point for talking about this stuff here:
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist

You're right that it's super uncommon for people to orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone, but that's not quite the same as not orgasming during vaginal intercourse; either of you can get your hands or a small toy involved too to add another layer of sensation that does help you to orgasm - you don't have to just stick to one thing. Running through that checklist together is a great way to look at the whole menu and figure out what you'd both like to do together. How does that sound?

[Sam W]

Hi Aliceliddle,

Siân offered some really great advice, but I just want to add that since it is not safe to be sexual with anyone you don't live with right now, you and he have ample time to have this conversation (not in person, of course), so those articles will be extra helpful.

[Aliceliddle]

Thank you for your advice. We have the realistic expectation as far as time duration but not being with someone experienced and working towards that in the future is actually exciting to us. Don't think a sex toy would be possible. I don't live with him, yes. We both live with our parents because we have medical conditions that we couldn't afford on our own. Ever since the quarantine, he's upped talking dirty and those things are actually promises, not something to tell me to get me off in the moment. I know that aspects of conversation about this will be uncomfortable but I don't know if it's best to say, Hey, I don't care what size your dick is. I just care I'm with you. I find you amazing at foreplay and you can do tons of shit to me during sex that can make me orgasm. If I don't, it's not a problem with you. I feel like I should tell him next time I see him before we start kissing and get into anything that could lead to sex. I'm going to see if I can talk about some of it today though. Thank you so much. He knows I only want him. He just still needs a little reassurance sometimes and we've never talked about this.

[Mo]

I think that's a great thing to tell him! Sometimes people have an idea of what their partners want, or want to hear, during sex that doesn't line up with what those desires actually are, so clarifying what's important to you will probably be helpful for both of you.
It may be helpful, as well, to talk with him about approaching any kind of future sexual activity you have together with the end goal of feeling pleasure and intimacy (or whatever sounds like a good goal to you) and not specifically of orgasm. Orgasms are great, but sometimes people can get so caught up in orgasm-related pressure, whether it's the pressure to have one or to help a partner have one, that it can make them less likely to happen (since stress and anxiety make orgasms more difficult to achieve) and can make sex a more stressful affair all around.

[Aliceliddle]

I did talk to him today. I asked him what he thought sex was like the first time realistically. He broke my hymen the first time he fingered me so any pain related to that would seem to not be an issue. He's always been gentle with me and I'm not worried about him hurting me on purpose. We really had a talk about it and I told him that nothing superficial matters to me or will change the way I see him. Our goal has always been to do everything to give each other pleasure and he's never asked for me to do anything demeaning. Sweetest guy I could ever find. I think we both feel better about things now. I told him I know the morning after pill to take on the off chance we're not prepared. Thank you for the advice and guidance. I love him. I've had some trust issues with men and he's helped me actually live my life. I honestly think I could have found the right person for me on the first try.

[Heather]

So, just to be clear, with the exception of an injury, the hymen doesn't "break" like some people think.

About the time puberty starts, it -- which is a ring of tissue around the vaginal opening by then, not some kind of seal to be punctured -- starts to slowly wear away, something it'll very gradually do for most of life. Some kinds of sex can speed that process, and sometimes sex, or things like not using enough lube will create an injury where there are micro-tears (and with assault or a consensual partner just being really rough, those tears can be bigger), but if you had pain or bleeding from manual sex, that's not as it should have been, and was not likely about "breaking" hymens.

Rather, that was probably about he or you being too hasty, not using enough lube, not saying things if something hurt. I tell you that because those things will matter with any kind of vaginal sex moving forward, too. For more on the hymen and how it works (it is, with poor timing now, obviously, also called the corona): My Corona: The Anatomy Formerly Known as the Hymen & the Myths That Surround It[/b]. <3

[Aliceliddle]

Wow. Can't believe I didn't know that before. My mom has never explained that to me. I had the impression that my mom was pretty open with me about sex but considering if she ever told me what to expect, I'm drawing a blank. There's some things outside of the standard 'Use protection.' but I've been looking to reliable sources online because she just has not told me. My dad has made comments ever since I met the guy I'm with like, "Still a virgin?" or "You touched his wiener yet?" Even though they're said in a joking way, they're entirely inappropriate. I used to tell both of my parents just little updates like that I talked to him today about everyday things or mundane events that happened while he was over at my house. My dad always turned it into one of those 'jokes.' I stopped informing him about the guy in my life.
So, I have a question: If we do foreplay (his specialty) beforehand and use lubricated condoms (waterbased with latex to prevent the condom being compromised), should that be enough on its own to where I don't have a painful experience? The time I had spotting after he fingered me, it didn't hurt while he was doing it and I was only slightly sore for a day after.

[Heather]

Well, your Mom might not have known! Unless people's parents themselves work in sex ed/health, OB/GYN or other related fields, they just might not know about that or a lot of things. Sex education has sucked for just about everyone just about every place, after all.

I'm sorry your father talked to you that way: you deserve the people around you to have better boundaries than that. Sounds like you don't want those kinds of comments: have you told him you don't?

So, "foreplay" is a term some people use for every kind of sex that isn't genital intercourse, but really, all that foreplay usually is -- when you mean things like oral sex or kissing, rather than say, making dinner together or having a long talk -- is just more kinds of sex. I say that because I think thinking about all kinds of sex in a similar way when it comes to pleasure and pain is a good idea. Around all this, every and any kind of sex you have -- whether you call it foreplay or not -- should feel *good* to you, not just not-hurt.

If you just keep going with what feels good and make any alterations you need with what doesn't -- whether that's about taking longer to get to one kind of sex, doing a given thing a given way, changing angles, taking a break -- then it's all good. With intercourse specifically, you will often need to add a lubricant by itself (the amount on lube on a condom is so not enough most of the time) for things to feel good, especially when you're also using condoms.

You'll also want to be sure to vocalize not just what doesn't hurt, but what feels good. So, if fingering (just for instance) doesn't hurt, but also isn't feeling amazing, do what you can to give your partner more information. After all, that's the only way any of us can ever know what to do and how to do it with each other in ways that really feel great and are what we want. We're all so different, so we all have to learn from scratch every time with a new partner in a lot of ways.

Lastly, though, ideally, if and when pain happens -- as it can in any kind of sex, for everything from getting someone's elbow in the eye to a pinched labia -- it won't be a big deal, because we'll just stop what we're doing and do whatever we need to to stop the pain and have things not hurt moving forward. And our partners will be fine with all of that because we're just someone with a body, and this is how bodies are, you know? Is there a reason you're worried about pain?

[Aliceliddle]

I think it's really just how popularized that idea is. I also have chronic pain. It's very sweet how he is with me. I bruise easily and none of them have been from him. I would understand if he had accidentally. He's in no way abusive but he never has.
Living with our parents because we both have medical conditions (not life threatening or affecting our relationship) has made it slightly awkward. We don't know how we would keep it from our parents that we have lube in our possession. Condoms are doable but I don't think lube is. We've actually talked about our parents, who we're close to and love but are sometimes overly involved, freaking out. He needs to buy the condoms obviously. I could buy the lube. It's keeping it from our parents, which is crazy when we're in our 20s that's challenging. It's none of their business. We can't buy these things right now but I may be comfortable telling my mom that I need to get lube in order to not get hurt and be safe when it's not like the apocalypse anymore. She'd rather I tell her and not get hurt and my man would hate it if he accidentally hurt me. Things usually don't hurt me except when I tried to get an IUD. He is gentle and takes his time. I think it's just very much hyped that it's going to hurt the first time a girl has sex.

[Aliceliddle]

I've been lucky and I've never felt anything but good with him.

[Heather]

Thanks for sharing all of this with me. I certainly recognize how both chronic pain and illness and living with parents with those can make this more complicated. <3

Can you say why it is condoms are doable to have but not lube?

Also, it sounds like you might not know that it's safe to say that most people who have actually had sexual lives they enjoy will use lube or have used it. It's not something special only a few people use: it's something people have literally found a way to make and use since the dawn of (human) time.

I do think a lot of people think and say there will be pain because a lot of people experience it: but that's because of not doing the things we need to (lube, being very turned on, partners talking to each other and being responsive and careful), not because pain is automatic or a given.

[Aliceliddle]

Condoms would be easier to hide from our parents. It's a ridiculous situation at times. I just looked up lubricant on Walgreens and I saw that there are small amounts you can buy. I do think I'll ask my mom though. She's supportive of my relationship with him. I just need to tell him that we actually need it.

[Karyn]

For sure, lube mostly comes in quite small containers - sometimes you can even get single use packets to try that are about the same size as condoms. If you have a small space to put condoms, then you will likely have space for a bottle of lube as well.

When it comes to talking to your partner, there are a couple of articles you maybe could pass on to him as a starting point:
How do I ask for Lube?
Lubricant (Not Diamonds) Is A Girl's Best Friend