confused about this

[sky]

so i’m talking with one of my best friends and she’s telling me that she had sex with this guy and she didn’t use protection (she has her tubes tied) and she said that he’s the one person that she never feels bad about not using condoms with and that with him it’s different?? i’m confused? a few months ago me and her went to a concert and then to a bar and we met one of her friends there and she told me to not let them have sex? then she went to the car and had sex with him unprotected!! she said sex just happened with them, is it supposed to just happen? am i supposed to talk about it or plan it? i’m confused on how sex with someone and not using a condom is different?? most people say that sex does feel better without a condom but like is that what the hell she means? i asked her and she said she didn’t know. i thought sex had to be consensual, it just happening isn’t consensual right?

[Mo]

We have a really good article about this idea of sex "just happening" and the sorts of factors that can contribute to someone having that sort of feeling about their sex life: When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead). We can't speak to why your friend's making this choice or what it means to her, specifically, when she says this, but reading this article might give you some ideas about the kinds of dynamics that can lead to that feeling.

[sky]

so it is supposed to be talked about!! my friends make me feel weird about it. they tell me to not even think about sex or bring it up and it’ll just happen. i’m confused still but the article did help

[sky]

i’m having a full on breakdown about this right now. what the f do i identify as????? i like girls and nb people and anyone who has a vagina. i would date a trans person no matter how they identify, as long as they had a vagina. am i wrong? is that transphobic because i don’t want to be. i literally am having an anxiety attack over this i don’t understand why. it’s not that difficult but i feel like i’m being rude. people don’t know queer and so i say gay but then i don’t like gay because i don’t fully identify as female but then if i say homoromantic that’s still me being female you know what i mean? idk.. my stomach hurts over this

[sky]

so tonight i went on a date i guess. with a guy. i’ve kissed guys and didn’t really like it so i’ve thought i was lesbian. i have had a crush on this guy emotionally for awhile. he’s extremely respectful, we went and watched a movie at his place and i sat on the bed and he sat in the chair which made me feel so much more comfortable. the longer we watched and talked i started to feel things and i usually don’t for men. i’m very confused. am i bi? am i even ace? why am i upset that he didn’t try anything? why do i feel like a whore for slightly being open to the topic of sex. we didn’t like talk about sex but we kinda did and why do i feel horrible. i wanted to just like stay with him all night and just talk and hang out. i think i really like him and he only likes me as a friend because obviously something is wrong with me. i’m hurt and confused all because i did this to myself.

how do i even try to see if he wants to do something? i was biting my lip and like biting my finger trying to look seductive??? i don’t know what i’m doing. obviously it needs to be consensual but i don’t know how to say anything because i’m not good with words. i don’t know how to even be seductive.

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

So, first things first: you'll need to hold of on any more in person dates until the recommendations around COVID-19 and safety change. Being around people you do not live with, even if it's just one on one, is still increasing your chances of exposure or transmission.

With that out of the way, it may be easier to focus first on the situation with this specific person, rather than what it means for your identity as a whole, because that's a slightly less daunting thing to tackle. Did you and he talk about whether your time together was a date, or did he think you were hanging out as friends? Or was that never discussed?

[sky]

i know i know i feel so bad for hanging out. we get exposed all day at work and i’ve been working so much and i wanted to do something which i haven’t because i always self isolate on my days off and yes, we stayed apart the whole time. i was mindful of it the whole time.

and no, we didn’t discuss it but he’s been talking about asking me out for awhile. definitely won’t ever date or anything and he’s seriously one of my best friends. i just actually felt aroused and that hasn’t really ever happened before. i didn’t even want to have sex, i just like wanted to touch it that’s all i wanted to do and manual sex of course if he was okay with it but we’re 22 and he’s definitely not a virgin and he probably wouldn’t have manual sex because he wants the real thing.

i’m sorry i didn’t social distance/self isolate i just needed human interaction outside of work and my grandparents i was losing my mind

[sky]

i’m stupid. i’m not gonna do that.

[Mo]

I get that it's tough to stick to social distancing right now, but coming into contact with as few people as possible for the time being really is the safest thing you can do for the health of everyone.

I don't think it's safe to assume what kinds of sex or physical contact any person will be interested in without talking with them first; this guy may have had other sexual partners but that doesn't mean he's only interested in one kind of sex or that he wants sex with you right now. (Keep in mind, too, that manual sex is real sex.)
This is something you could discuss with him, if you want; because now's a time when we can't recommend spending time with friends or dates in person, it is a great time to have conversations about sex and sexuality when you know there's no chance of in-person distractions.

[sky]

i know it was stupid of me. and oh i didn’t think manual sex was real. i definitely am not ready to have penis in vagina sex. i don’t even like men but i like him. i almost had to take care of myself in his bathroom and it all makes me feel awful.

[sky]

well i don’t know what i did but now he’s not talking to me. and he’s ignoring me when i try to communicate with him.

[sky]

so today my mom told me i’m ignorant and i embarrass her. i came home after that and she preceded to text me saying awful things and ended it with “go fuc* yourself”. i absolutely love my life. i love everything that’s happening in it and i love that i can’t control thousands of people dying and i love that i have to work through all this and i love being yelled at by customers all day long. i love being a human being and being hated by the one person whose supposed to love me. i’ve felt love from my mom once in my whole life and it was when i was admitted into the psych ward. it took me having a plan to kill myself to get my mom to actually love me and care for me. she makes me sick. what makes me even more sick is the fact that i have to keep living as this shitty person who has nothing. i have no one or nothing. i wish i was one of the people this thing was killing and not these innocent people who don’t deserve it

[Heather]

Sky.

Before anything else, I want to say that I am so sorry you are still having to be working right now, from the sounds of things at great risk to your own physical health, let alone your mental health. I am also sorry that it sounds like your workplace remains one where management is terrible, not just with sexual harassment, but with what sounds like not protecting employees right now when they should be most. This is unacceptable.

As we've talked about before when you frame things like this -- like saying you love things that hurt you -- I personally think that's a barrier to actually letting yourself feel your feelings and being able to process them. I'm going to try a thing with what you have posted than can hopefully give you a shortcut to that.

I hear you that it is deeply painful to you when your mother continues to verbally and emotionally abuse you. I am so sorry that she does, and sorry that because her home is where you live right now, you can't get away from it much (not even when you go to your room, apparently).

I am so sorry that you are feeling the impact of people dying and becoming ill. It is a terrible burden for us all to have to bear, all the more so when you're only getting the shitty parts of social isolation -- abuse, people putting their frustration on you -- without the good parts -- time away from abusive people, and a safer environment for your health.

I'm so sorry you feel that in order to get your mother's love you have to be actively suicidal. That is a horrible feeling.

I am so sorry you feel like a shitty person. That is a horrible feeling, too.

I am also sorry that it sounds like you might be feeling suicidal again now. That, too, is a horrible feeling. As you know, I can't engage with that, but I do hope that you'll utilize the tools you have to get in touch with people who that is safe for, like the Trevor hotline. <3

I am so sorry that you do *not* love your life right now, that so much of it is such a constant source of pain and struggle.

[sky]

hey heather, thanks. i thankfully don’t live with her anymore, i moved out which is nice my sister and sister in law aren’t taking to me because of this too one of my best friends isn’t talking to me as well and i don’t know why. also, i’m not suicidal at all, i’m just depressed.

haha yeah my job is saying to wash your hands every 30 minutes if you can and use hand sanitizer. they just started to allow gloves but i can’t handle the gloves they make my freak out because i feel like i can’t move my hands (it’s just a mental thing that makes no sense) so i do end up washing my hands and cleaning my surfaces and using hand sanitizer a lot but i’m still touching literally millions of things a day and then i have to worry about bringing it home to my grandparents so i just scrub down and change when i get home and i feel like if they get it, it’s my fault. my other family has been insinuating that thought process as well. i had severe ocd as a child that i would make my hands bleed because i would wash them so much and this is just not the best thing to be happening, i feel myself being extremely triggered and just freaking out every second.

i just want someone to love me. i want someone to tell me it’s going to be okay and i want them to hold me. i don’t want to feel hated anymore it hurts so bad. all i’ve done is exist and it feels like everyone hates me for it. the other day i had a breakdown about work and i decided i can’t not go to therapy so i found a girl who will see me every other week and i start on tuesday. i’m very anxious but it’s on video so i can be comfortable in my own setting while i get to know her which i think will be helpful for me, since i get anxiety just leaving my house and then leaving to go to work when everything is happening is just splendid. one nice thing is they are giving us a bonus. i'd prefer if i didn’t have to work but since we do, a bonus is nice.

to be completely honest, i called out today because i was sad about my mom and i didn’t want to have to work and be full of anxiety. when i’m there i feel like i can’t breathe plus my personal life makes me feel like i’m suffocating. i managed to get myself in the shower and eat and tidy up the house some. i think i’m gonna sleep most of the day. my friend from online and i are gonna have a facetime date and do makeup with each other lol, i’m hoping that’ll help me feel like i’m able to breathe since the one friend who is my breath of fresh air isn’t talking to me right now. i’m sorry this was a lot.

[Heather]

You don't have to be sorry. EVERYTHING is a lot right now, and it's all the more for anyone who was already really struggling. I also get how a whole bunch of parts of this are cuing up other trauma and OCD for you. I'm so sorry. I think it's really something that in all of this you are still working hard to try and take care of yourself, to get therapy, and yo ask for what you need. No one hates you here, Mel. Our whole team cares about you a great deal. I know that doesn't stand in for in-person care or relationships, but I just want you to know that even though I can certainly understand you feeling unilaterally/universally dislikes or not cared for, that isn't actually unilateral.

Do you want to talk about strategies with your job or household? By all means, it is NOT your fault if your family members become ill, but it certainly would be much safer for them -- and you -- if you were staying home and not going to work. What options has your workplace offered employees?

[sky]

thank you, that made me tear up idk why. but they haven’t offered anything. i mean, you can take your sick time and vacation time and for me that’s only 9 days. which, is 9 days but this is gonna last longer then 9 days so why even bother. people were asking about masks and they said no (i wouldn’t wear one anyways because it’s not helpful and i’m not high risk, but the fact they said no to people who it would help mentally and physically, really pisses me off)

[Heather]

Ugh. That's just unacceptable, and I certainly understand why you would see taking that time off that way. Since it looks like AZ is being hit a little later than some other places, I can also see saving that time for when the risk is highest, strategically.

This might be a stupid question, but given how much your workplace just sucks on the whole, is this a time or an opportunity where you might be able to consider letting this job go and waiting out the virus and then seeking out another?

[sky]

yeah when it first started i was like there’s no need to worry. then we had like 20 and i was like uhh and now we have way more and i’m like UHHHHHHHHH and then i went into panic. there’s no way to do it. i also do like my job most of the time and i don’t wanna lose the pay

[Heather]

Do you need it? (Again, may be foolish question, but I don't know what the scoop is with your living situation, and it is advised that everyone stay home and socially distance instead of being in a workplace interacting with people all day.)

[sky]

i do need it. and as horrible as it sounds and as much as i hate being there i think it’s good? being home all day is NOT good for me mentally but working isn’t either so idk what to think. besides the slip up with the boy, i haven’t done anything besides work and stay home/hang out by myself outside

[sky]

it’s just like, everything hurts. i already couldn’t control my brain and now everything is in overdrive. i want my dad to be here where it’s safer (he lives in the city where the first person got it in washington) he’s working from home now and he’s safely inside with food and stuff. my aunt is just talking mad shit about me on the phone right now for an array of things. i’m at my breaking point of everything lol.

[Heather]

I don't imagine it will make you feel any better, but my Dad is currently in that area of WA in a precarious situation, too. My Dad is pretty much always in a precarious situation, and it's been extra so the last few months, but now with this it's even more so and, like you, I can't get him anywhere else or get there to help him out.

It's a crappy way to be simpatico, but at least you can rest assured someone understands.

I also, too, have been feeling very on the edge of things myself: I get it. <3

[Heather]

I think the thing with the job is that it's physically dangerous to be working in contact -- to be in any kind of physical contact -- with other people we don't live with right now.

I certainly get having to work in unsafe situations if there isn't any other alternative, or if not working means that things get even more unsafe (for instance, if leaving your job meant having to live on street right now, that would obviously up your lack of safety even further). But if this is just about needing somewhere to go besides home, I'd strongly encourage you to consider a safer situation than working in physical contact with other people.

[sky]

i’m sorry about your dad. mine and me aren’t close by any means but i still love him and want him to be with me when things are how they are. my online friend blew me off for our face time date. she’ll come back with an excuse later. so i’m just gonna listen to lil peep all day and daydream about this being over and doing loads of drugs and escaping all my problems.

my grandma keeps telling me to stop working too and she won’t charge me rent. but i need to leave the house, i can’t be stuck in my room with no one to talk to. literally no one. no ones talking to me besides you! there must be a national fuck melissa thing out to make everyone hate me

[Heather]

Thanks. I'm sorry about your friend. Of course everything that is happening is happening to everyone: this isn't about anyone or anything being out to get you personally. Some of what is likely going on is just that people are all in crisis, and can tend to be more self-involved in all the ways, as well as often struggling to be able to talk to everyone they want to or who needs them.

I understand, though, that this is not meshing well with how you are feeling: it's not for a lot of people who feel isolated and who are struggling with some extra demons (on that note per one of your comments in here, if you need it, NA does offer virtual meetings: https://virtual-na.org/). We're one option to talk to, and we're here, but this might also be a good time to use some other hotlines, too, if you tend to feel better talking to more than just one or two people.

I do think you can leave the house without being in close physical contact to other people. Many of us are doing that by taking walks or bike rides and just keeping our distance. I think it would be a good idea to consider your grandmother's offer: we can certainly help you make a plan so that that can be as emotionally safe for you as possible.