Kink fail :(

[sky]

Okay you guys can completely ignore this, I don’t mind. But I really just need to talk to someone who is like knowledgeable and won’t judge me. I hope this is okay to talk about here. So, this might be long and I thought I was over It but I’m not and ugh. Okay so I don’t know why I did this, but last week I got on tinder. I matched with a cute girl and she was 9 years older than me, we talked for a couple hours and she said she was married but they were poly/open and she hopes it doesn’t scare me.

I told her that’s okay and then I told her that I’m looking for a domme and that I’m asexual and that I hope that didn’t scare her away. She said I found the right couple and then she asked what I mean by looking for a domme but being ace, I told her my kinks and that she could go down on me but that’s the most I would do and that I wouldn’t be okay with any insertion.

She said she would do that. I asked multiple times and she ended up finally responding that she’s married to a male and I told her I don’t think I can do that because I have traumas and stuff. She said he can just watch. I was hesitant but I said okay. She also said I could just watch her. She started calling me her slut because I asked and I loved it. We talked and I ended up getting very wet (I hate that feeling it’s one of the worst things my body does and I wish it would NEVER happen)

I felt off about the whole thing and I told her many times. I told her I needed to stop talking for awhile so I could go back to work (I was on break) and not be turned on at work. I asked to get to know them before we did anything. She said yes and then that I’m gonna go over and strip and put on a collar and get into ready positions. Yes I might think I’m into bondage and wanna try it but I have high anxiety, I can’t even wear a turtleneck because I can’t breathe in it, how am I supposed to wear a collar?!

I told her I’m not comfortable with it and her response was she’s gonna make me her slut and I’m gonna love it. I asked to get to know her and she wouldn’t unless I told her I’m her slut and she owns me. I said it. I ended up telling her I couldn’t do this and I apologized and she told me I was playing games because my body wants it and then I said no. I unmatched her and then deleted the account.

I keep feeling crappy about it. Why did I even do that, why was she so pushy, how can I get rid of these kinks, I was so into the attention I just gave in. Yeah, I wanna do these certain things, but not naked and with someone who knows me and that I trust and with only one person. I was in a Facebook group for aces with kinks and another ace group and I ended up just having a breakdown and deleted myself from both of them.

Everyone in there said it’s not my fault and that it’s okay to have kinks and that she was pushy and that she’s not a real domme. I feel so stupid! I’m 22, I should be over this kinda stuff but I really just wanna play with someone. I hate that terming but I really do. I don’t know how to find people who are actually nice and respectful. But none of it is really sexual. I wanna be dominated by a partner in my daily life. I don’t know how that happens but I want it.

I’ve never really talked about things this openly before. I really hope it’s okay. What could I have done differently because it ended up leaving me feeling like I did something wrong and I can’t figure out what I did.

[Mo]

I'm sorry this turned out to be such a negative experience for you. It sounds like the woman you matched with wasn't willing to listen when you said no to something, or that you weren't comfortable, and focused on trying to push you into agreeing to or saying things you didn't want to. That's really not okay in any situation, but when you're talking about d/s dynamics, it's fundamental for people to pay attention to a potential partner's stated limits.

I don't think this is about you doing something wrong (although given the atmosphere in your workplace I don't think any kind of sexual conversation or interaction with someone, even on your break, is going to be a good idea), but about someone being really pushy and you not being sure how best to respond in the moment. What I'd suggest is that any time in the future that someone you're talking to on a dating app or elsewhere ignores you when you set a boundary or say you aren't comfortable with something, and try to convince you to say yes, say they know better than you or that they know what "your body" wants, you end the conversation and disconnect from that person.
It sounds like part of what took you a while to take that step this time was that you were enjoying the attention and interest you were getting from this person. I can certainly understand the appeal of that, here, but ultimately I think it's best to reject attention from people who aren't hearing you when you explain where your comfort levels are.

It sounds like the facebook group for asexuals with kinks could be a helpful resource or community for you; is that a space you'd be willing to return to?

[sky]

This might be stupid but, when my body is aroused does that mean I want it? Does that make sense?

Thank you for all that. As far as the groups, I sometimes don’t feel ace and as far as the other one, kinks are weird and I don’t want to be in a place that makes me comfortable with them and makes me want to act on them because I shouldn’t act on them and it’s weird and I’m weird and I don’t deserve to be comfortable with it because I can’t do that kinda stuff even though it’s not bad.

[Mo]

I don't think that's a stupid question, but the answer isn't always going to be straightforward. People often feel aroused thinking about something sexual that the actually want to do or experience in real life, but just the physical response of arousal doesn't mean you want to do something, or that you want to do it at the very moment you're feeling aroused. Plenty of people have sexual interests that they get aroused thinking about but that they have little to no interest experiencing anywhere but in their mind, and it's also common to be aroused by the thought of something you might be interested in some day, or in certain circumstances, that you wouldn't otherwise want.

In general I'd say a feeling of arousal is one piece of data you could be aware of when trying to figure out if you are interested in something sexual, but that feeling alone can't tell you if you truly want it or not--and if someone's telling you that they know you want something because of a physical response you're having, even (and especially) if you're telling them you don't want it, or you aren't comfortable with it right now, that's not going to be a safe or healthy person to be sexual with.

It sounds like your kink interests are causing you a lot of distress and conflicted feelings. Is that something you'd like to talk about more?

[sky]

Thank you so much Mo

Another question I have that stemmed from something that you said, my kinks aren’t sexual. It’s things that I guess could get someone aroused but It’s not things I want in sex, do all kinks have to be sexual? Does that make sense?

Also, yes it is causing me distress, I think it’s weird. As someone whose so emotional and sensitive why do I want to be called names and dominated. It’s just weird and it makes me uncomfortable. Is this something I can talk to a therapist about or is there boundaries on this kinda stuff?

[Heather]

You know, I'm not a big fan, honestly, of "kink" as a framework, just because I don't think it's a great one. One person's kink is another person's normal, so I just find much of it needlessly vague and confusing for everyone.

But I think you misunderstood Mo, who I don't believe said your kinks -- whatever that means to you -- were not sexual. Rather, what he said was that being sexually excited by something doesn't mean a person wants to DO that thing. What's sexual isn't just about what we put into action: our sexuality is also about things like our fantasies, thoughts and ideas. For more on that, check out: Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?

However I feel about the framework of kink, yes, it's about sexuality (not necessarily sex, but certainly sexuality). Things we're interested in in other areas of our life that might be unusual (though tbh, top/bottom power stuff is one of the most common things on earth, and is part and parcel of a whole lot of people's heterosexuality as well as the entire kyarichy we're all living in, so the idea that's weird or "kinky" has always especially struck me as off) are just....well, things we're interested in that might be, if they even are, unusual.

You can certainly talk to your therapist about this if you want. Personally, I'm not feeling concerned you have an interest in topping/bottoming, and again, I'd hardly say that's unusual. But what I do think might be worth investigating is why you keep seeking out sexual situations/relationships in the first place when you seem pretty clear once you get talking here that they're not actually something you want. That certainly doesn't excuse this person's really shitty behavior, nor does that make how they behaved your responsibility. But I do think it sets up a really messy and confusing dynamic from the front, probably for you most of all, you know?

Also, just in case you don't know, couples on personals platforms are NOTORIOUSLY problematic and pretty frequently awful, particularly to hose of us who are queer. Most of us who use them have long learned to steer freaking clear, even if and when we might want or be open to getting involved with a couple. One of the biggest red flags, too, is someone who posts as an individual, but then tells you they're looking for you to be involved in some way with their partner, too. That's shady af and usually people pulling that game know it and don't care. Moving forward if you do keep using those platforms, my best advice once someone tells you they're part of a couple and gives you even the slightest suggestion -- though in this case sounds like she was very overt about it once she said something -- they are looking for you to be with them *and* their partner is to disconnect and not talk to them anymore. And if and when you get matched with someone who, in their photos or text, shows you they're a couple looking, swipe left.

[sky]

Also, top/bottom is just one of the things. I have a lot of others that I just don’t speak of. That’s just the one I said

[Jacob]

Hi sky!

I wonder if part of what Heather is saying about 'Kink' not being the best framework for talking about sexuality and desire, could be a helpful thing for you to dig into more!

So instead of a our desires being described as kinks... like a fixed continuous thing we 'have', or a condition which other people don't have, or which we have on top of a 'normal' sexuality (hint, there isn't one).

Experiencing a wide range of desires and enjoying a creative and sometimes dramatic fantasy around activities that aren't usually presented as being exciting, is part of most people's experience at least at some point.

Do you have any thoughts about this when you read Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway? which Heather shared?