Scarleteen

My boyfriends dad I think is emotionally abusive
His dad also drinks a lot , he is drunk a lot and usually thats when it's the worst , when I started dating my boyfriend he really felt worthless and angry.. He tells my boyfriend he's not good enough and that he doesn't deserve me... He also yells at my boyfriend when he asks any questions .. We are pretty young so we can't really speak up or at least I cant really say anything and he's scared to say something , he is scared he'll get hurt or that his dad will scream at him or something... We live in South Africa , And we speak afrikaans his dad once called him a p**s and thats like a womens private area but its an insult in the Afrikaans culture and he calls him other insults and bad words too, My boyfriend was also taught not to cry nor show emotion his dad always taunted him for that , but now that we're together he has recently started to open up and cry a bit now and then and let me in , I think he feels overwhelmed and frustrated and sometimes he takes it out on me and I dont really get angry or blame him... I know it must me difficult ... I just really don't know what to do , he doesn't want to talk to ANYBODY else and doesn't want me telling anybody , he doesn't want to call anybody for help and I'm not sure what to do.

Hi flower134,

Welcome to the Scarleteen boards, and thanks for being here.

From what you've said, it does sound like your boyfriend's father is emotionally abusive. Telling someone they aren't good enough, that they don't deserve love and affection, and calling someone names are all examples of abuse. You can read more abuse here: Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault

There are a couple of things you said that I want to address. I hear you saying that you're concerned and worried about your boyfriend, and I can see why. When someone is abusing you, especially when that person is a parent, it's important to get outside help and support; neither you or your boyfriend should feel as if they have to try and address this alone. If he doesn't want to talk to other people, there may be someone he could speak to anonymously in order to get help. I found these two South African organizations:

FAMSA has offices nationwide and gives counselling to the abused and their families. To find your nearest FAMSA branch, call 011 975 7101, email national@famsa.org.za or visit their website http://www.famsa.org.za.

Lifeline provides 24-hour counselling services (including help for victims of abuse). Call the SA National Counselling Line on 0861 322 322.

Another step that your boyfriend could take is to develop a safety plan. Being in an abusive situation is not safe. Sometimes emotional abuse can turn into physical abuse, especially if alcohol is involved. Your boyfriend could come up with a safety plan so that if things become even more serious, he has a plan for what to do. There's more information on safety plans here: The Scarleteen Safety Plan

The other thing I want to address is that you said sometimes your boyfriend takes his feelings out on you. When another person is experiencing abuse, that doesn't make it okay for them to take it out on their partner. You also need and deserve to feel safe, supported, and loved at all times - even when your boyfriend is having a hard time. Your own safety is just as important as his. Can you tell me a little bit more about what it looks like when he takes his feelings out on you?