Lost with my anatomy

[Colombine]

Hello everybody,
First of all, I would like to say how happy I am to have found this website ! And I would like to thank people who have created it. It is not alaways easy to talk about sexuality especially when you haven't friends or family with whom it's possible to tackle these issues. Online solidarity is really salutary !

To briefly introduce myself, I'm French and Italian, so I'm sorry if my English isn't that good by the way !
I'm 26 years old, I suffered a long time from depression but it's now over. Because of this problem, I was rather isolated and had very few social relationships, except some friends at university. ( And I'll soon sit an exam to become French teacher.)

Unfortunately, I have a lot of troubles with my anatomy. The problem I face is regarding my vaginal opening.
I've never had sexual intercourse (no penetration) and I've never used tampons. I went to the gynaecologist once when I was a teenager, but It was a very negative experience for me because the doctor wanted to examine me with a big speculum (even without asking me first if I was ok), when I see her with this instrument I was afraid by that, and as I refused to go through this examination she got angry and it finished like this. At the end, she just coldly told me that everything seemed to be ok. But this experience was rather "traumatic" as I went there alone, and the doctor was not really kindly. As a consequence, as I was not having a sexually active life, I decided not to go again to the gynaecologist.

But things are now slowly changing as I have a boyfriend who I love so much. I begin thinking about having sexual intercourse but I just don't know and don't understant my anatomy : to put it in a nutshell, I don't know if my hymen opening is normal or not.

I've read a lot of literature about the subject (very reliable sources, essentielly scientific ones) and I've looked several diagrams displaying hymens of different shapes (crescentic, annular, microperforate, and so on...) but despite the variety of their shapes, they are always situated in the middle or center of the membrane. To better know my body, I've examined my own vulva using a mirror and light, I've opened the labia minora (and I did such examination several times) but what I find is always a small opening at the very bottom of the vulva and nothing below (while the hymen ring is supposed to be present at that place). Furthermore, I find my hymen (or vaginal) opening very small, its diameter is less than 1 cm (I'd say 0,5 cm or let's say like a pencil eraser) and when I look at that, I wonder how a penis could enter ; even entering a pinky worries me.

I can precise that I've already had some foreplays (kissing of breast and once a very soft dry humping with our street clothes on). I've felt aroused several times, and I've even experienced kinds of orgasm by breast kissing. I think I'm quite sentitive as simply thinkink of my beloved can make me aroused sometimes.
So I'm quite sure I'm "normal" if I can say so. But I'm afraid to go further because of my ignorance.

So here are my questions :
- is my hymen opening normal ? Not to small ?
- Do I have a Hymen as there is nothing below the opening, just the begining of the fourchette ?
- Have my hymen been torn ? (despite the presence of a very small opening)

Sorry for this very long post, and thank you for helping me.

[Redskies]

Welcome to the boards, Colombine.

I want to make sure that we're understanding each other correctly with the words we're using - your English is fine, by the way, it's just that these are specific, anatomical words, which are sometimes even used wrongly by reference guides. I'm not quite sure what you mean by "hymen opening", because from what you're describing, it sounds like you might mean your vaginal opening. The hymen is a thin, stretchy membrane that's just inside the vaginal opening. For most people, the hymen does naturally wear away over time. Certainly by the mid-20s, and very often by the mid-teens, most people's hymen will have mostly or completely worn away, even if they've never had any kind of insertion. If there's no membrane just inside your vaginal opening, then you'll be one of the may people whose hymen has mostly or completely worn away.

Have you seen our page on the details of your anatomy? It might help to make sure we're talking about the same parts with the same words, and also answer some of the questions you're asking here. Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More

The vagina and the vaginal opening doesn't have one set size. The vaginal walls are muscle, and they can relax, expand and contract like other muscles, according to signals from the body. In ordinary, daily life, the vaginal walls rest against each other, and the vaginal opening is very small. When someone becomes aroused and relaxed, the vaginal walls move apart and make the vaginal canal and vaginal opening much larger. If someone's tense and anxious, the muscles tense up and make the opening smaller.

Does that fill in some of what was missing for you?

[Colombine]

Thank you for your answer Redskies.
I'm glad to learn that my English is good !

In fact, there is a lot of fuss about what is a hymen, because it is sometimes said that it is a membrane just within the vagin (1 or 2 cm inside) and sometimes it is also said that it surronds the vaginal opening. Furthermore, I've also heard and read (in articles on forensic medecine) that a doctor can see its shape through simple examination, just simply opening the labia minor. So I've concluded that it was somehow visible externally.

A lot of things are said about this membrane, one can become confused, and I am ! You know....when I went to the gyneacologist and I didn't let her introduce the speculum in my vagina because I found it too big, she told me not to be afraid because the hymen is quite far, not just within the opening....and it was a gyneacologist !
Besides, the hymen is shown on diagrams to displays its different shapes and as such, it seems to coincides with the vaginal opening. In case of microperforate hymen, it is also visible just on the vulva. Soo It is really confusing.

Well....If I understand, I cannot see my hymen by myself without an internal examination.

So, the tiny hole I was speaking about is my vaginal opening. I was worried because, once again I've heard the experience of women who had medical surgery to widen their opening because it was too small for a penis to enter. Seeing my vaginal opening so tiny (about 0,5cm), I thought I was concerned by the same problem.

Thank you very Redskies for the link, I've read it....I think I have yet a lot of articles to read to become less ignorant !

[Colombine]

Edit : sorry, it was a bad manipulation

[Redskies]

You're right, there's a lot of misinformation about this, and even sometimes from places and people you'd expect to have correct information. Even within the biological and medical communities, people without specialist knowledge sometimes have a very limited picture or incorrect beliefs about the reproductive anatomy and health of people with vulvas, not least because of the history of sexism around it, and those old, incorrect ideas and assumptions were repeated and spread as if they were factual. I don't know why that gynaecologist said what they said, but there's no membrane or barrier of any kind deeper in the vagina. Have you yet seen our piece about this? Maybe it can settle for good some of the contradictary or confusing things you've heard and seen elsewhere.
My Corona: The Anatomy Formerly Known as the Hymen & the Myths That Surround It

[Colombine]

Thank you once again Redskies,
Yes, It is clearer. The article is complete. However, some points can lead to discussion (the last chapter) and I completely agree with you when you say that you don't systematically get the right information from people you expect they would make everything clear : forensic scientists, for example, explain that after sexual assaults, some damages can be observed on the hymen (or corona) especially on its posterior part (from 3 oclock to 9 oclock position). But it is contradictory because they also maintain that the aspect of the corona can say nothing and a lot of things : after a sexual assault, a hymen can also present an intact form (althought it is much rarer).

(to talk about my sources, I can, just as an example, cite doctor Julie Lejeune's thesis on "caracteristics of normal gynecologic examination compared to that of victims of sexual assaults. An important part is dedicated to the hymen. As you can see, I've read a lot about this corona, and information happen to be so contradictory !)

I must say that your article makes it clearer.

If I can go back to my "problem" taking into account these new elements, I can finally say that I think my vaginal opening is very small and when I look inside, (which is quite difficult) I only see a pink mucous tissue that is the same color of my entire vulva and nothing more, no shape of any kind, just a king of fleshy wall.
Probably, if my vaginal opening was bigger I could see much more in it !
I understand when you explain that it mustn't have a set size and on the contrary, its size changes according to tension ...etc. But the vaginal opening should be large enough (even when it's at "rest") to allow a tampon (or a finger) to penetrate, shouldn't it ? In my case, I consider it quite difficult even if I get relaxed, I think I'd have to force so that it could enter.

Unfortunately, I don't feel ready to explore it inside. I think I will stupidly wait for my first sexual intercourse to occur and then, I'll "see" what happens.

[Redskies]

I think that discussing possible effects of sexual assault is unlikely to help you gain any clarity here, and is only likely to be a complex diversion. However, I think it's important to be clear about some of the things you've said: in reality, there are no physical results that can prove or disprove an assault. As with any part of the body, physical injury to any part of the vagina or genitals shows that there was some physical trauma done to the body. An examination in the days after an assault may reveal physical injury, or there may be evidence of some kind of sexual contact, for example, someone else's semen or DNA. However, some sexual assaults don't cause physical injury. It is also not possible to tell someone's sexual history - whether or not they have ever had sex, or any kind of entry, or been assaulted - from an examination.

I did find the source you mentioned (I understand French). In its earliest section about the hymen, it says: "L'hymen se déchire le plus souvent au premier rapport sexuel complet et entraîne une légère perte sanguine." That means "Most often, the hymen tears during first intercourse and causes light bleeding." That's simply wrong, as you will have seen in our information about it. It's not a reasonable use of my time here to read the whole paper, but given that it is wrong about a fairly basic thing, I cannot consider it a reliable source for anything else it says about the hymen/corona.

The vagina changes size to fit the thing that you want to put inside it, whether that's your finger, a tampon, or a partner's penis. Particularly when you're not aroused, the opening probably won't look big enough to put anything inside, because the walls are against each other. If and when someone puts something in their vagina, the walls open enough to allow entry and then hold the object inside. Heather's described it before as acting a little like a sock: without anything inside, it's flat and closed, but it stretches around a thing you want to put inside it and becomes the size of the thing inside.

If you have tried entry with a finger or tampon before, did you also use lubrication? If you didn't, that may be why it was difficult. Often, without lubrication, there's far too much friction, which hurts the sensitive vaginal tissues. We would never suggest trying to force anything inside yourself, as that can cause small tears and injuries, and is likely to make you associate entry with pain, which is obviously not what you want.

If you don't feel ready for any kind of entry, even by yourself, that's absolutely okay. You get to explore your own body at the pace and in the ways that are right for you. You using the word "stupid" about exploring only when you have intercourse suggests that that's not a choice you feel good about, though, either? If someone doesn't feel okay about exploring their own body, it's usually even harder for them to feel okay about someone else exploring. The solution to not feeling ready isn't to just try anyway, because that usually results in a fairly crummy experience. It's important to feel ready for any kind of entry before you do it, whether it's private exploration or being sexual with a partner. You not feeling ready now doesn't mean you won't in the future.

[Colombine]

I appreciate so much the fact that you took some of your time to check "my" source, thank you Redskies.

In fact, I didn't want to create a debate or to put under question Scarleteen's work and articles. I just wanted to underline the fact that very contradictory information are spread about the corona and not simply by "folks" but by doctors and even gyneacologists, so it is really really really disturbing. (the author you read for example IS a gyneacologist)

You're right, I used the word "stupid" because I know waiting for intercourse to better understand my body is objectively not a good or clever idea. But as you've well understood, I think I don't feel ready to explore it and I think "with someone I love, I could forget my "fears" and just go further without thinking of nothing".

To come to a conclusion, we can say that "to know what is inside, one has to look inside" Plain and Simple !

[Heather]

It might help to also know that our information isn't just ours.

It's the same information you'll find from other healthcare providers and sources who are up to date with their information, and also are not influenced by cultural ideas or constructs that support archaic ideas. You're right: unfortunately, there is still a lot of that out there.

Too, sometimes information isn't even out of date, so much as incomplete. And even then, it may only be so because of the context it is in. For instance, in forensic science, what you stated up there is indeed commonly said. It's also true...but usually only when we are talking about assaults to children or very young teens, or the rare person above that age who, before assault, had a fully intact or very resilient hymen. But too, the hymen is something that, again, wears away -- and usually very gradually -- over a lifetime, so at any time, changes to it can indeed be observed. Even when someone's hymen has worn away all it's basically going to, traces remain, so yep, some changes could still happen and be observed there, especially with injury.

I hope, personally, you can get to a point where you are comfortable enough with yourself by yourself to feel at home in your own body and its parts, and not feel afraid of looking at or interacting with any part of it without someone else present. After all, it is YOUR body, and you're the one who inhabits it. You're also going to be living alone in it, as it were, for most of your life, like most of us do, and hopefully you can learn to be that someone you love, in whatever time it takes you, by yourself, not just with a partner.

[Heather]

I realized there was one thing I forgot to add that's pretty important, and that's this: without all this talk about hymens? Most people have no personal experience knowing anything about theirs, or their partners. Most people will not ever even notice their own hymen/corona nor anyone else's.

That's one of the reasons why, I'd say, it's been so easy for so much misinformation and ignorance about the hymen to keep going around and get so cemented in places.

In other words, the hymen is so thin, and so flexible, and so...well, minor, that for most people most of the time it's not something anyone is even going to notice. It really tends to blend into the vaginal opening pretty seamlessly and is hard for the average person to even identify clearly separate from the rest of the vagina there.

Even when it hasn't worn away a good deal, what's there of it is usually very stretchy, and without it having any nerve endings of its own, again, it just isn't at all likely to get in the way of anything or change most sexual activities or experiences with them for anyone to notice.

So, I'd also suggest that unless you want to study gynecology or obstetrics for your living, or just as a geek you enjoy, you maybe back off the research and reading here and just have your experiences, seeing how sexual activities you want to explore alone or with a partner go. Chances are awfully good you'll find out that when you're aroused and relaxed, and wanting to do whatever you are doing, your genital anatomy will do just fine with whatever that is.

If it turns out you DO have any issues, then that's the time to start investigating more. And when it's time again for you to get sexual healthcare -- whether you wind up having any issues or not, that regular healthcare is important, especially once we start being sexual with others -- know we're happy to help you screen to find someone much better than the last time!

[Colombine]

Thank you very much Heather.

you maybe back off the research and reading here and just have your experiences

It is really what I am going to do. I may put too much attention for a part of my body which, as you've put it, is very minor ; even if it is a part which creates so much debate and is so badly known by most people.

know we're happy to help you screen to find someone much better than the last time!

Beyond its informative aspect, Scarleteen is also a very reassuring "space".

[Heather]

So glad to hear you feel that way! That's always our aim.

I'd add that it's really sexism that does now, and always has, created all this debate. In other words, that body part is really a scapegoat, and the treatment of it a sort of sneaky hiding place, for the sexism and misogyny that is at the heart of this. It my be helpful to keep that in the forefront of your mind in processing all of this.