Scarleteen

Hi I'm new here but I have some questions that If I don't get the answer to I WILL GO CRAZY literally.

1)I'm fairly young(almost 15) and I've had a fantasy, or you can say a kink of bdsm for as long as I can remember, as I was watching porn at probably 11. However, I have newly heard that the majority of people who have a bdsm kink have past trauma(I've been sadly assaulted, not raped, when I was 6 years old, and I've recently came to my mother about it however, and after I told my mom I forgot about it after years of thinking about it on the daily, and now I keep thinking that my kink originates from my trauma and to be honest I'm scared as shit). So is it true?

2)I've been recently thinking about my sexual identity, and it's something I struggle with. I like both guys and girls(I'm female) and I literally can't choose between them. However I'm scared to tell people that as my country is close minded. I have told someone I go to school with that I never talked to before about my sexual identity AND I TOLD HER IM A LESBIAN BUT I MEANT TO SAY BISEXUAL and now I feel pressured to be a lesbian(I know its dumb)and this girl was bisexual herself so I felt most comfortable talking to her as she was a stranger and she couldn't judge me. I also told my friend however, I was extremely extremely disappointed in her because I had to specify that I'm not attracted to her and that makes me so sad truly, it even makes me just wanna be alone without any friends. So does anyone have any advice to help with my sexual identity??

3)I have read so much about this however I never get an approximate answer, what age shall someone lose their virginity? Should it be when someone is as young as me, or someone who is mature? But what if someone who is as young as me is mentally mature?

I'm sorry if I sound a bit confusing it's just that IM CONFUSED MYSELF

Hey there Soeleo,

I'm glad you came to us with your questions! You're in the right place. I'll try to approach them in the order you listed them.

1) BDSM is definitely not *only* an interest of people who have been assaulted or abused. Many people are kinky, for a variety of reasons. It's normal and okay! However, I know that it can be scary to explore kink for the first time as an abuse survivor. I highly recommend our article 50 Shades of BS: How to tell the Difference Between Kink and Abuse. It can be really helpful and reassuring. Why don't you take a look at it and let us know what questions remain for you afterwards?

2) People are on a path of sexual discovery their entire lives. Which means you can change your answer to the question "what is your sexual orientation?" as often as you want to! And I totally get that when you're talking about that for the first time, it can trip you up. Just because you said you were a lesbian in one conversation doesn't invalidate your sexuality, and it wasn't a lie or a bad thing to tell her otherwise. You're in your process of self-discovery and seeing what/how/when you'd like to share things about your sexuality with others. It's a bumpy ride sometimes.

I'm sorry your friend had that response to you sharing your sexuality with her. It's not fair. My favorite response to that is always, "Are YOU attracted to every [insert gender] you ever meet?". It reminds people that this is an absurd question/assumption about queer people.

3) There isn't a "correct age" at which folks are expected to have sex. In my opinion, it's way more useful to ask yourself questions about your physical and emotional readiness than about what people your age are doing. Why don't you take a look at Ready or Not: The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist and let me know what you think?