Is virginity attractive?

[wolfcub]

I know it can be an attractive quality for girls to have, but what about for guys? I know everyone has their own preferences but how likely is it for a girl to be turned on by my inexperience?

[Sam W]

Hi wolfcub,

So, you already know the main answer to this, which is that what people find attractive is super variable and personal. Some people find the idea of an inexperienced partner appealing, some get kind of worried about, and some (I'd argue most) people see it as just one piece of many that comes with being sexual with that particular person. Too, since virginity is a concept rather than a physical state of being, what one potential partner sees as virginity may not match what another potential partner sees it as (I will add that in the situation of men finding women who are virgins to be attractive usually has a lot to do with some crummy ideas about women's bodies and value: 20 Questions About Virginity: Scarleteen Interviews Hanne Blank).

It may also help to think of this in terms of looking for a partner who views inexperience as a chance to explore and learn about each other's bodies, rather than one who simply thinks inexperience is hot. After all, sexual experiences tend to be more satisfying and healthy if they're not with a partner who's attraction to you hinges on one trait.

[wolfcub]

Is that really what men see about virginity? Just being able to own them?! That's fucked up. I was under the impression that they got off on the idea of "wanting to taint a pure, innocent soul. The value of being wanted by someone who wouldn't give themselves away to just anyone. Watching them tremble in nervousness and excitement, as they slowly give in to their inner demons and fall from grace" or something like that.

I mean that's just the impression I got from a few forms of media. Because virginity is often associated with personality traits that are considered "innocent" and "shy and nervous when it comes to romance"

[Heather]

Well, that's really fucked up, too. As are most of the ways this is seen and treated.

[Amanda F]

Hi wolfcub,

The media you're consuming that says things like that sounds like it doesn't have a very favorable view of women (or virgins in general). It suggests that people who aren't virgins are *not* innocent or pure.

"The value of being wanted by someone who wouldn't give themselves away to just anyone." - That right there: It's literally assigning "value" to people who don't have sex with others. What are your thoughts on this? I know what the media is saying, but I'm curious to hear what you think. Do someone's inherent value as a person change when they have sex with one or more people? Whatever your answer, where do you think that thought comes from?

[wolfcub]

Well, no, of course not. Everyone has their own level of sexual boundaries, I understand that. Now that I think about it, I guess I'm probably not asking the right question here. I guess it's just that I often imagine myself getting and acting flustered in front of someone I like. I often hear that girls often expect guys to be the ones to make the first move, so I'm always worried that my sweet and goofy yet timid nature might be a turn-off to most girls.

I'm not asking for a "the one for you will accept you for who you are" kind of thing. I just want to know what the general attitude to someone like me is

[Sam W]

Part of why our advice often boils down to "a good partner for you is someone who doesn't judge you for your sexual history" is because it's a far truer statement than trying to make some generalization about what women think about--or how they'll react to--a given thing. Are there women who expect all guys to be confident and "take the lead" in sexual situations? Yes. But that tells you very little about how a given partner is going to react or what they want, you know?

That can be frustrating if you're trying to figure out what your odds of getting a certain reaction are, but the truth is how any given person reacts to something is really variable. So it ends up being much more productive to talk about finding partners who aren't running around with unhelpful ideas about virginity or gender in their heads, or learning how to bring that subject up with partners.