Scarleteen

i have recently come out as non binary to my family and they are really accepting but my twin brother keeps calling me my deadname and using she/her pronouns my mom says that while it can be annoying with my brother not trying she says that i shouldn't be suprised if one day my whole family is using my dead name because they are family and it can be hard. Am i asking to much of them to use my prefered name?

Hi River,

The short answer is no, you are not asking for too much by asking your family to use the correct pronouns and not deadname you, and I'm sorry your mom is being kind of dismissive of of your concerns.

It's true that, if someone has known you for a long time, they may slip up on a pronoun or name if you've recently come out. But, that's not an excuse for them a) not to try at all and b)make excuses rather than apologize when they slip up. Using the right name and pronouns is a really basic way of supporting someone when they come out.

Given all that, what would be the most helpful thing we could do for you right now? Do you want to talk about ways to bring this up with them? Or resources that are designed to help them with this (rather than putting it on you to educate them about everything)? Something else?

I just want to know the right thing to say to my brother because he keeps wanting to be the exception and barely even trying and gets mad at me when he realizes he said the wrong name

Hi River2005,

We have a fantastic guide called Trans Summer School: Let's Bust Out of This Closet! which I think will provide some answers to your questions.

In the article are: a guide you can give to your parents, suggestions on how to talk to family members and questions you might hear from them, suggestions for helping you plan going forward, and importantly: help for how to set boundaries. You have the right to set boundaries for the type of language that people use around you, and for how you want to be addressed.

I'd check out the guide to talking to your parents, and see if you can leverage their support here. "Mom, Dad, I know this is a change for you too. I appreciate you trying to be accepting of me. [It's unclear to me how accepting they are being, because they've dismissed your concerns, but if they're using your name/pronouns you could mention that you appreciate that so they see that this is important to you]. I'm struggling because TwinBrother seems to be purposely using the wrong name and pronouns for me. Every time he does this, I feel really uncomfortable. He won't listen to me. Being called the name and pronouns that feel right to me is super important for my mental health. Can you please help me out? I need your support here."

For your brother, you could say something along the same lines: "Hey, I know this is a change for you too, but it's definitely a much bigger change for me. When you deadname me, I feel deeply uncomfortable. Being called the name and pronouns that feel right to me is super important for my mental health. I know mistakes happen sometimes, but I'd feel really loved and supported by you if you would make a sincere effort to try."

What do you think? Could saying either of those things help?