Scarleteen

Hi there!

First of all, I just want to say how great I think Scarleteen is. I have been using these message boards on and off since I was fifteen and I am now almost twenty three. I have had multiple accounts over the years however I do not remember the usernames/passwords for them so I have made this new (final!) account! Heather, I think you do such an amazing job running this site and I feel like you are truly a hero! Thank you to you and the rest of the team for all you do! You guys are definitely pioneers in my eyes for how you talk so openly and non-judgementally about sexuality! You give some great, straightforward advice!

Alright so...I’m in a bit of a situation and I really don’t know if it is even a situation so I just thought I would see if you guys had any input on it.

Approximately five (six?) weeks ago, I was not been taking the contraceptive pill regularly due to a change in my sleeping patterns and forgetting to take it. I had sex with my boyfriend in this time and we used condoms since I had not been taking the pill regularly. The condom kept slipping off a little bit but did not come off completely. We had sex without a condom a week after I had been taking the pill regularly for seven days. We continued to have sex up until the 23rd of March with me being on the pill as our only form of contraceptive.

In the last two weeks or so, I’ve had the urge to vomit several times and have felt constantly nauseous (from lunchtime on wards generally). I feel nauseous right now as I am writing this and it is not a very good feeling at all. I also have been needing to urinate a lot more. I’ve had a few other things happen such as being very sensitive emotionally and very tired. I also have had a sore back. I do not get a period on the pill (just occasional bleeding a few times a year) however I had some bleeding last week and it has been on and off since then. It would stop for a day or so and then come back very light as spotting. I am fairly sure I am not pregnant (I’m trying not to be paranoid about it!) however I am unable to seek a medical opinion right now due to the country currently being in lockdown due to COVID-19 and I do not drive. I am unsure if there is any real concern here and I just wanted to see if I should perhaps be concerned about the possibility of being pregnant. I was going to order a pregnancy test online however the thought of doing that makes me feel a bit anxious and paranoid especially if there is no real chance of me being pregnant. Another concern is my boyfriend is going to be staying with me for an extended period of time starting next week so I will be unable to get enough privacy to actually do the test without somehow stressing out about it in front of him. He is an amazing and very supportive guy however I have not seen him since 23rd March so I am feeling very emotional due to being away from him and the thought of possibly being pregnant doesn’t help. I do not want him to know about my concerns because I feel like right now they are not valid at all and don’t want to make him worry.

I know that the advice I will probably be getting from you guys is to take a test, even if it just to ease my mind. However, I can’t do that as I have explained. Do you think there is any real valid reason for me to be concerned? If there is actually valid concern that I may be pregnant, I would speak to my boyfriend when he is here next week and go get a test with him. But I really do not want to do that unless there is a real possibility I could be pregnant. I would greatly appreciate any advice/feedback from you guys because I haven’t talked to anybody else about this and I am getting a bit paranoid due to my nausea and how moody I have been lately.

I’m sorry this is so long and I hope you are all keeping safe in this scary times! Thank you so much for taking the time to read all of this!

Hi kpopisthebest,

Thanks for all those kind words! We have a general pregnancy fear and anxiety policy on the boards, which you can read about here: https://www.scarleteen.com/pregnancy_fe ... ety_policy.

Can you say a little more about what forgetting the pill looked like? Was that you'd miss pills entirely, as in went twenty four hours without taking them and then didn't make them up? Or was it more that you'd take them later than you meant to?

With the condoms, as long as they didn't come off all the way or break, you can assume they did their job. That being said, if condoms do that often for your partner, he should look into a different size or brand, since it suggests the one's he's using aren't a good fit.

Hi Sam!

No problem! You guys do a great job. I had already checked out the pregnancy and anxiety policy before positing however I still wasn’t sure if my concerns were valid enough so sorry if I broke the rules! When I forgot to take the pill, I would completely forget it. I’m not sure how many days exactly I forgot it but it was quite a few...maybe five (six?) days not including the ones where I remembered and took it that night instead of that morning.

We only used condoms a few times when I hadn’t been taking the pill properly. This was about the 15th March.

Do you think there is any real concern? I’m swaying between telling my boyfriend my concern but I really don’t want to do that and make him stressed if there is no real cause for concern. He’s a very anxious person and the last thing I want to do is add to his anxiety about being away from me.

Thanks for that clarification! I wanted to be sure I was understanding the situation correctly.

So, my recommendation would be to call the pharmacy where you usually get your pills and describe the timeline to them, because they can give you the best sense of whether the last lapse in pills was long enough that you needed a full month of taking them regularly, rather than just a week, before you'd have full protection. That can give you a more accurate sense of the risk.

I do think it'd be sound to order or otherwise get your hands on a pregnancy test (ideally two of them, in case you find having a way to confirm the results of the first one is important to you). You mentioned doing so would make you feel anxious, but it may help to think of it as the smaller anxiety you have to deal with in order to address a bigger source of anxiety. Ordering the test may be anxiety inducing, but it's the first step in getting an answer to the thing causing you to worry. Does that make sense?

With telling your boyfriend about this, do you think it'd be helpful to you to have his support at this time? Or are you thinking that he'd end up so anxious about this that you'd end up having to care for his anxiety on top of your own?

(Also, as an aside, are you two able to follow the guidelines about how much self-isolating/social distancing needs to happen before he moves to a new location by coming to see you?)

I’m not too keen on ringing my pharmacy however I did have a look at the information sheet that comes with my pill and my understanding is that I needed a full week of taking them regularly to be protected.

I almost ordered a three pack of tests earlier, however I panicked once I thought about how my sister would see them if she checked the mailbox and would be very nosy as to what it was. Plus, my boyfriend would ask what it was in the mail as he knows I like to shop online. One thing I did briefly think of was actually asking my sister to get me a test the next time she is at the supermarket. However, we are not at all close (despite just us two living together) as she is verbally abusive to me on a regular basis and will no doubt never let me live it down if I asked her to get me a test. (On a side note; living with her is very difficult and I do not live with her by choice. )

For the time being, I think I will wait a few weeks until I can get a test by myself either at the supermarket or online and make sure my sister does not see the mail. I feel like that’s perhaps not a very mature choice but I don’t want to add the anxiety of knowing there’s a test coming in the mail and having people query me what it is. But yes, what you said about decreasing anxiety by ordering a test and doing it does make a lot of sense. I just don’t want to put too much energy and time into worrying about something when it’s probably not even right. Unless something changes in how I’m feeling physically and emotionally, I feel OK not being 100% sure for at this present moment. I guess that’s probably got a bit to do with if it is actually positive then that’s a whole new issue!

It would be nice to talk to my boyfriend about how I’m feeling with what’s going on however it would make me feel like I was being dramatic (due to not actually being sure) and I know it would make him very anxious and probably paranoid about having sex in the future. He is generally very calm and contained but I can see this kind of thing scaring him as I am his first serious relationship. So yeah, basically I am worried I would end up having to care for his anxiety as well as mine and I’m not sure that’s something I could handle in this kind of situation.

In regards to the social distancing thing; I am in a country where we have been on strict lockdown for almost four weeks now. The households we have been living in for the last four weeks are called “bubbles.” Next week, the restrictions will be loosened slightly so we can have more people in our bubbles such as a partner or a sibling who does not live with us. He will be essentially joining my bubble as he is going to be staying with me. I hope that makes sense! We are very excited to see each other after four weeks apart and also are looking forward to being able to go to the beach and have fast food again! This lockdown/quarantine has been scary and hard for our country. I hope I explained it well enough!

I hope you are keeping safe! Thanks so much for taking the time to listen.

Hi kpopisthebest,

You said "I feel like that’s perhaps not a very mature choice but I don’t want to add the anxiety of knowing there’s a test coming in the mail and having people query me what it is." For what it is worth, this decision feels mature to me! I see you thinking through the different factors, weighing what you are and are not comfortable with, and coming up with a decision that is best for you. Given what you said about your sister being verbally abusive*, it sounds like a self-protective choice to try to not have her involved in this experience. Speaking of, are you wanting a space to talk more about your relationship with your sister and/or receive support? If so, Scarleteen can be that space, if you would like

In terms of sharing with your boyfriend, your concern that it would become more about his anxiety than your own is a very real one. What would it be like to share with him about the pregnancy risk and state what you're needing -- for ex. that given that this is going on with *your* body and some big feelings are coming up for you, you don't have the capacity for emotionally supporting him around this right now, so is there someone else he can get support from? It can be hard to set a boundary like that! But that kind of clear communication can also be very helpful, and even relieving, for everyone involved. What do you think?

You also said you are concerned that sharing with your boyfriend would result him being "paranoid about having sex in the future". That is possible, but that is also OK. That is a normal response for someone who is not wanting a pregnancy to have after worrying about a potential-pregnancy experience. Are you willing to share more about your concerns about his paranoia? Are you concerned that he will not want to have intercourse anymore? Or will want to change or slow down sexual activity in some way?

Lastly, glad to hear that you are taking your safety and the safety of others seriously! Thinking of you. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.