Getting a guy to like me

[Liltimmyt]

Hello! So I’ve been snapping a lot of guys during this quarantine that I’ve met over bumble and tinder. But I have a couple favorites and I really want something more serious. One of the guys I really like I’ve been sending nudes because he really likes that and thinks I’m hot. The other one doesn’t ask for nudes at all and just sends pics of his face but doesn’t create conversation much (but we’ve snapping for over a month). I’m just lonely and I hate thinking about them snapping other girls. I wish I could have an actual boyfriend I just don’t know what I should do. I wouldn’t want to scare them away but it makes me feel bad to think about them with other girls.

[Sam W]

Hi Liltimmyt ,

This sounds like one of those situations where an awkward or uncomfortable conversation is going to go a long way in preventing bigger awkwardness or unhappiness down the road. If there's someone you'd like to get to know better or move towards a more exclusive relationship (or see in person once social distancing guidelines change), the only way for him to know that (and for you to find out if that's something he's interested in) is to tell him. If you want, we can help you brainstorm some ways to have that conversation.

It may also help to take some time to think about why you're uncomfortable with these guys potentially talking to other girls on these apps when you're using the apps to talk with more than one guy. Too, are these more casual interactions things you enjoy in general? Or do they sort of feel like something you've resigned yourself to until you find a more serious relationship?

[Liltimmyt]

Yes, I’d like some ideas as to how to approach the conversation. I think I’m uncomfortable even though I’m being hypocritical is because ideally I would be in a serious relationship. I think it helps to talk to multiple people at once since I feel less hurt knowing they’re talking to other people too. Also since I haven’t gotten to meet them in person I wouldn’t know who I’d get along with well yet. I don’t love the casual aspect because there are so many unknowns but yes I’ve resigned myself to it because it seems to be the only option right now.

[Heather]

Hi there.

So, I think the first step towards this is to figure out for yourself what you're looking -- and then will be asking -- for. What do you mean when you say you want something more serious? What, specifically, do you think you'd like to ask this guy (or guys) for right now when it comes to that? What would you like the next step towards what you think of as serious to be?

[Liltimmyt]

I’m looking for a boyfriend. I want to have an exclusive relationship and him to support and appreciate me. I feel like I’d have to ask where he sees this going in the future and if he thinks it could ever lead to something more. I’d like to be able to have an open conversation with him and figure out if he could like me for more than my body.

[Heather]

Might you be able to get a little more specific? After all, "boyfriend" can mean about a million things. Exclusivity is also something where you'll need to be specific, especially in these times where -- hopefully, anyway -- no one following the guidelines is doing anything sexual in person with anyone else, or doing any in-person dating, in the first place.

Too, if what you mean by exclusive is that you're asking someone using Tinder or other similar apps to only talk to you and not to anyone else, I feel like your chance of a yes (or an honest yes) to that is slim to none. I say that because the whole point of using those apps is usually the ability to consider and talk to a wide range of people, and usually, if and when someone is moving to exclusivity with someone they met through them, it's because they have met in personal and then often progressed over time to an in-person relationship. By all means, you still get to ask whatever you want to ask someone, but I'm trying to manage your expectations a bit. It might also be worth talking about if, given what it sounds like you're looking for, dating/hookup apps + pandemic is even a sound way for you to go right now.

I do feel like if you're already not sure someone likes you for more than your body that asking for any kind of exclusivity might be putting the cart before the horse. Don't you want to know that *before* you make any kind of commitment with someone, rather than after?