Scarleteen

Something happened to me recently. And It's ridiculous to not call it what it is, but I just don't want to acknowledge that it ever happened. A guy pressured me into having sex with him even though he knew I didn't want to. I've only talked to a few friends about it as it's pretty recent (All but one has brushed me off) and all of them have said the same thing: "It was r*pe, you know that right?"

I can't tell if it was. My abuser said this before it happened: "Just lie to me for 15 minutes, 15 minutes of lying and say yes." He wouldn't let me leave, or stop demanding this of me so I caved and said yes though I didn't mean it. So one thing I keep doing is saying "This was my fault, I said yes so he got the wrong impression." But realistically he knew I didn't want it and he didn't respect my choice to just want to leave.

I've been having issues talking about it. Every day I wake up, and I pretend like it never happened even though it's affecting me and I know it is because I've been having intrusive thoughts. Even though I desperately don't want to think about it, It's like I can feel everywhere he touched me and my body feels so violated and invaded because of that. It's been making me feel conflicted, I've had issues like this before- because of a past physical abuse involving my bio dad. Lots of one night stands I didn't enjoy because I just wanted company but most of those guys just liked using me but it's not quite the same as this. I just wanted to feel like I was truly loved by someone and for some reason my brain decided that sex is the only way anyone was ever gonna do that.

So now I'm stuck with it really bothering me but I don't know how to get it off my chest or out of my mind? How am I supposed to come to terms with it if every time I think about what he did to me I disassociate and go numb? I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. From this incident and the past physical abuse mentioned, which makes a lot of sense but a lot of the coping strategies aren't helping me and I just feel very dirty, and alone, and unwanted, and just gross.

Can anyone help? -KC

KC, I'm so, so sorry that this is something you're having to deal with, and that the fall-out from someone choosing to hurt and pressure you is leaving you feeling so rough. And I want to give you massive applause for reaching out to us; given what you've said, thinking about or discussing this event is really hard for you, so I don't want to lose site of what a huge step you've taken in coming here to talk.

It sucks that your friends have brushed you off around this, but I do agree with them that what happened was sexual assault. If someone is saying B.S like "just lie to me" then they a) know that you don't actually want to be sexual with them and b)have decided that doesn't matter, because they want it anyway. I "yes" given under that kind of coercion doesn't give the wrong impression, because that person knew exactly what he was doing. What happened wasn't your fault. It was his.

You mention a PTSD diagnosis and some coping mechanisms, so I want to ask: are you currently working with a mental health professional of any kind?

I also want to check, was this guy a one-time partner? Or is he someone you might see after social distancing rules relax?

I had been seeing a therapist, but it was before this and more related to my depression and social anxiety. I've stopped seeing her because my mom can't afford it anymore. The diagnosis was during an appointment with a psychiatrist.

As for if I'll see him again: I might run into him because he lives in my neighborhood, I've blocked his number and socials but he always seems to find a way to hit me up and I keep telling him to go away. So, honestly not too sure.

KC, I echo everything that Sam said. I'm so sorry this happened to you. This was absolutely not your fault, and a "yes" that you were pressured heavily to give isn't a real "yes." He knew that he was coercing you to have sex. That's rape, plain and simple.

Thank you for coming to the boards to ask for support. That's super brave of you.

If it's possible, going back to see a mental health professional could be really helpful. Here are a couple ideas:
1. You mentioned the psychiatrist was too expensive. In an urgent situation, they may be willing to see you at a lower rate. If not, you could ask them for a referral to another therapist that charges less.
2. I looked up resources for sexual assault survivors in Alberta and found the Association of Alberta Sexual Assault Services. They appear to have a support number you can call for advice, and they may be able to link you to a support group if that is something that might help.

Can I ask if this is something you could talk to your mom or another trusted adult about?

I love what Amanda is saying here, I know you don’t want to report this assault so I would be sure to ask that if you call, or talk to anyone - ask for their confidentiality rules first before disclosing any information.

There are a few other places you can talk about this with - for example because I know this person is also underage you can talk to someone at the Pride Centre. They’re really great people there!

If you disclose this to the Sexual Assault Centre of [City name] they do have to make a report, just because of your age though I do believe. Which sucks in certain cases but I think they do have to.

As for them continuing to contact you, I’m really sorry about that. That really sucks and I hope they leave you alone.

Also, I’m sure if you were to contact your school counsellor as long as you don’t disclose too much information they’ll have some really helpful supports for that and know some more about how you can handle this.

I hope you are looking after yourself as much as possible <3

I really hope you can try to remember that it really isn’t your fault and that this is always a space you can talk about things.

Can't talk to an adult, It's to due with complicated family things. But thank you all for the resources, I'll try my best.

Hi KC. We totally understand how family relations can be complicated. I hope you're able to reach out to one of the other resources we linked. Please let us know if you need further support doing that.