Hi Sam, thank you for your kindness. I wouldn't say that my perception or real feelings towards N have changed. I think I have become a little more sensitive to him, though. Frankly, I think the cause of the change is that S is now gone, so I don't feel like I need to be disparaging towards N just t...

I'm beginning undergrad in September. I've had a fairly good summer, and have learned a lot. Professionally, I'm doing okay. I had sex with N two weeks ago, have been really busy since then so haven't thought a lot about it. Not thinking has been nice. I don't know what love is. Actually, my accusat...

I feel like the biggest red flag is that N sometimes physically touches me even though I've asked him not to.

Well, there you go... I'm not going to let him or him-via-my mom guilt trip me anymore.

Being around N doesn't even make me feel good. It makes me feel anxious. S on the other hand... I love talking to him. I love just spending time with him; it's so comforting. It's exciting, it feels like there's actual motion, direction, like it might go somewhere. It's hopeful. It's something that'...

Hi Jacob, Thanks again for your support. This website has been invaluable to me. I cannot stress that enough. A few months ago I was nearly suicidal. I've figured out what "the panic" is, it's residual guilt... It's thinking about how I feel about S (the whole ugly story) instead of litera...

Yeah, I guess it's that whatever I'm doing to try to change/fulfill my emotions, it's not going to work. All I can do is just feel, and also go about my life.

Hey hey hey! I figured out what my whole issue is! It's basically that I've been trying to figure things out... this dates way back from the first moment anything came up in our relationship, back when I was worried he was ignoring me and I spent a ludicrously long time thinking up how I would talk ...

I think I'm not okay with having things be not okay.

Even when I go back and picture my real-life relationship with S right now, I feel like everything's fine and I'm okay and I can trust him and I don't need anything more than I have. But then all my months of agonizing and fear creep back out of the recesses of my mind, and all of a sudden my chest ...

Oh Faust, that's not how it works. Why, every morning, when I wake up, does the dilemma with S in all its gruesome terribleness pop into my head? And why do I spend so many hours of every day fighting it off? I feel like things are never going to get better. Maybe they will when I move across the co...

I guess it feels good to finally be able to accept my relationship with S as it is—to not be frustrated by the ever-looming possibility of losing it. In reality, I can't lose it, because 96% of is in the past, and I will always have had those experiences. I will always have gotten to hear him play B...

Hey, I'm back. First of all, thank you for letting me vomit words and anger and anxieties on this website in Dec.-Jan. I appreciate your support, all of you, but special thanks to Heather for her unparalleled understanding and compassion. I do not know what I would have done without this website. Ne...

*I must say, after having written my rant, I make it sound as if N is solely responsible for my feelings regarding S. Of course that's not true, there was a problem with S to start with. I'm just so angry. I feel so free for the first time, realizing that I don't need N, I don't have to love N, I do...

I must claim my responsibility now: This whole problem which is the subject of this thread was caused by my inability to accept that I could not possess S. With that, ladies, gentlemen, and all-other gendered and non-gendered folks, I take leave of this sad sad comedy.

The whole thing regarding how I became *so* upset with S makes sense now. Before I just thought I was crazy and needy, and for some immature reason couldn't get over him. Now I realize that of course I really wanted S; I was in effect being taken from a real emotionally intimate relationship, being ...

On a less happy note I just realized it tonight, and this is going to sound crazy after everything I've written. Now I understand truly what "victim-blaming" is. It sounds like I'm obsessive and I blame all my problems on other people. It sounds like I think everyone is out to get me. I re...

Thanks Onionpie. I understand that I don't need to change my needs—of course I can't change my needs. Needs can only repressed, not changed, and that makes everyone unhappy. I was referring to the fact that my relationship with S will continue to exist in some form, since we're in the same tight-kni...

Wow. I finally get what "Love is an action, not a feeling" means. To repair my relationship with S, I need to be strong. I realize now that it was a misstep to look for emotional support from him—of course he won't give more than he typically does, he's unable to, that's not who he is. Whi...

I guess to see how beautiful S is for a second first-time, through the perspective of someone who has even less of a chance with him than I do, is devastating. And coming from the boy who told me he loves me "more than he will ever anyone else" and 'will follow me into the dark'. How am I ...

Oh also then there's this girl F, who's a very good cellist and most of all, one of the most physically beautiful people I know. She's S's new friend since I disappeared. I'm trying not to be jealous. I'm trying not to write off myself and my entire friendship with S just because there's this new gi...

It's weird because I can trust my feelings (know that it's okay to like S, I don't have to force myself to feel differently) but at the same time I can't (it would be foolish for me to pretend that S is as good of a partner as N). Trust your feelings, don't trust your feelings. In situations like th...

Hi Heather, thanks for providing this safe space as usual. I guess one of the really complicated things is that N provides me more emotional support than I could ever want, while I have to be honest about S: He isn't a good match for me. If I want to spend time with him, I have to take most of the i...

Is it inappropriate to use this forum as a place to vent? Probably. I have such an unfortunate complex with feeling like I'm not good enough for S, even though I know that's not the case. First of all, in terms of sheer authority, no student in our community has as much social status as he does, and...

I think it might help if you don't see it as a choice? In other words, what if neither of these people are your partner right now, or someone you are romantic with? Thanks Heather. I guess that is the thing—it's just tough to justify it to N, and to my mom right now. But no, I don't really have a c...

I love hiking, kayaking, trees, moss, temperate rainforests, snow, glaciers, mountains. I love Bach's Brandenburg Concertos, and playing them with my friends. I love Brahms symphonies, and playing them in big concert halls. I love my grandma's cooking, and playing cards with her and my grandpa. I lo...