Boundaries?

[Donnwannago]

Hi everyone,

I'm not good with boundaries. And I don't want to overstep or put others on the spot. Last Summer I worked for my mother's boyfriend. "Boyfriend" is probably an understatement. We lived with him for four years and he asked her to marry him a couple of times. He's the closest thing I've ever had to a father. He treated us really well. She's an (unkind word deleted by me) for not accepting his proposal. (She just doesn't trust anyone. I think because she was abused for a prolonged time as a child.)

I've spoken to him a few times since my mom took off. He has a business and always needs extra help in the Summer. I stayed over for a few weeks at the end of the season last year, AFTER my mom took off. (Then school started, and she demanded that I come "home". What a joke, his house was "home". She's lived in five places over the past nine months, and I rarely attended school.)

I've heard from others that I'm close to that he has a "new" girlfriend who doesn't act like a (another unkind term). I'm quite sure that he's better off without my mom. And my mom is full of (excrement) saying that she broke up with him because I'm "becoming a young woman" and I "shouldn't be alone with him". (I mean, that's EXACTLY what she did: Just leave me at his house with him when she ran off.)

He's talked about his business, said he's hiring, but he hasn't specifically asked me. I don't know if he's just giving me an update or dropping a hint that I could ask. I mean, I could just ask anyway. But the worst thing would not be for him to say "no".

I'd be so happy to see my old friends and work for him this season. But I wonder how fair that would be to him. For a reason I can't figure out he must have loved my mother. Would my being around just bring back memories. (Or maybe a feeling that he dodged a runaway train.)

Mary

[Heather]

Hi there, Mary.

You know, I don't think it is out of bounds to ask about working for him again, and I also don't think it's out of bounds if you want to try and continue to build the relationship you were with him. After all, you two had your own relationship that may have been because of him dating your mother, but that also existed separate of that.

In terms of what he wants, who knows. Seems to me the only way to find out would be to talk to him about it. Maybe you're right, and the proximity to his history with your Mom would be painful, but maybe not? People move on, and it sounds like he has.

Two things I would just keep an eye on, or check into for yourself, are: 1) if you think you can interact with him and not bring your hard feelings about your mother to him and 2) if you can keep from talking about or taking part in whatever relationship -- be it work, or more like a supportive adult family figure -- you're in with him in a way that punishes your mother for the choice she made about this relationship for herself. Kn ow what I mean by that?

[RocketGrrl]

Hi Heather,

Yes, I know what you mean. I'm 40 or so years ahead of my peers dealing with my mother. I'm not sure exactly when it actually happened, but when she took off I realized that we had switched places and that I was the stable and responsible one in the relationship.

I love my mom, even though I often don't like her. What's done is done. He won't take her back. And that is without a question in my mind the best outcome for him. I don't really talk about my mom when I'm not with her.

I feel sorry for what she experienced growing up. I feel sorry for the way that when given a choice she constantly makes the "wrong" decision. I feel sorry that I am sympathising rather than empathising. But, while I think that at some time, at least by the age of 30, you have to stop making excuses, I am really glad that I haven't lived her life.

I probably should just ask him.

Thanks

Mary